|
Open Marriage
My husband and I have a girlfriend but he is into it more than I am. It was my idea to keep our relationship interesting and to be honest it kind of turns me on to think of him with another woman BUT at times I find myself getting somewhat jealous of this other woman. I don't know if it is a good idea to continue this if I get jealous when he kisses her or texts her. But at the same time I like watching them have sex especially if I am apart of it. I'm worried that my emotions are going to cause this relationship to cause problems with my husband and I. I know he is enjoying this and all I want is for him to be happy. I don't want him to get bored with me. But I don't know if it is wise to continue this if I am not 100% happy with this arrangement. I am also 9 months pregnant so that may have something to do with why my emotions are up and down about this. I'm torn...
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Your guys's relationship did not have a proper foundation to begin with. Tell him your not happy with this arrangement. If he cares about you at all he will deal with this.
]
I'm not sure you hormones are not playing a part in how your feeling at the moment. I am also not sure that a committed 3 way relationship is a true open marriage and one that avoids certain pit falls. To me a committed 3 way relationship faces some of the same pitfalls that marriages face or as we have seen in the shows like Sister Wives.
I do agree with the others that you may not have set a proper foundation for your open marriage. When I advise others on sex I tell them how wonder full sex can be between two consenting adults and that nothing is kinky if both partners are consenting.
At the moment you are not fully consenting to this relationship. You should put this relationship on hold until after the baby is born. During this time you and your husband need to revisit this idea. Something about this relationship is causing you concern that may be more than kissing or texting.
Jealousy can be a fatal disease to a marriage whether it is real or not. You need to find out what the real cause of your jealousy is. Look back and find out when it started; Was it there before you got pregnant or did it start when you could not fully participate in sex with your husband and girlfriend.
If after all this soul searching you come to the conclusion that you still enjoy an open marriage but need to make some adjustments; would partner swapping be agreeable. Finding another couple to swap with. Would group swapping be agreeable. This would be more anonymous style of partner swapping for which jealousy should b eliminated and 3somes can be had.
Most importantly you need to find the root cause of your feelings of jealousy. See if there is away to correct those feelings and build from there before it ruins your marriage.
]
As Rahzie said, you didn't set near a strong enough foundation with this.
My wife and I have discussed the idea. The first rule we agreed upon is that either of us have the right and privilege to terminate anything at any time just because we don't feel like it's working right. We haven't actually explored anything together, but probably will in the future.
I can say, that generally the whole "girlfriend" idea isn't a great one for a serious committed relationship, especially one that has kids.
You sound alot like me. The idea of sex is arousing, the idea of a relationship outside of sex is the exact opposite. My ideal situation involves another stable couple where the activities fit more in the description of "hobby" than relationship outside of a platonic friendship.
Continuing something like this because you're afraid he's going to get bored with you is not good. Especially at 9 months pregnant. I can't say that your hormones don't have alot to do with what you feel, but in this area you have a right to jealousy. He's your husband, and you don't feel right about it.
That said, because this is the status quo you need to approach it gently. When the baby comes you're both going to be under alot of stress, there isn't going to be a ton of room for a third in your lives.
Bring it up. Talk to him about what you're feeling. Let him know from the get go that these are your feelings because of you, not because he's doing something wrong within the context of your agreements together, but at the same time you need him as your husband to support you in what you need as his wife and the mother of his child right now.
Ask him to suspend the relationship for now, spend some time reconnecting and talking. Tell him that you need some time to figure out what's going on with you and better communicate it, and maybe you just need some time off from having a third person to worry about when you've got a kid coming you're worrying about as well.
]
I've had my share of threesomes in my day but never a relationship like yours. It may be time to sit down with your husband and discuss your concerns. Let this current girl go and if you decide you still want to continue this lifestyle, pick another woman and have a real sit down talk to lay out all the rules of the relationship, so that no one gets hurt. Make sure your husband knows that you need his heart and soul but he can have another woman for pure pleasure. I hope this helps and good luck.
]
Go to a bookstore, or order online, a book called "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino.
openingup.net/about/
You and your husband haven't laid a clear enough foundation for your open relationship if you don't have a way to address these concerns with him.
There are more questions that need to be asked, and answered, before you can both find out what kind of openness is right for your relationship. What you describe here isn't how open and polyamorous relationships are successful - this is how the get a bad rap.
It’s okay to be conflicted and confused, but you need to develop tools you can use, and tools you can use together, to deal with those emotions when they arise. You are rarely going to be 100% happy with anything in your life. Even your new baby, who you will 100% love, will make you want to hurl things at the wall sometimes.
But to make sure you are always open to happiness and on the path towards happiness, you need to start a real investigation into how these things function successfully. You might consider seeking couples therapy with a sex-positive relationship counsellor.
Don't under estimate yourself or undermine yourself, and don’t do something just to please others. Openness adds something to a couple’s shared life when it promotes the happiness of both individuals, not when one person’s needs or happiness are trumped for the others.
In short: You aren’t doing this right. You need to back up and start this from a better informed place. Read, at least one book, ideally more, and talk to a supportive therapist, perhaps join a social group or even online community for couples with open marriages. You need more information then you have if this is going to work for you all.
]
I have been thinking a lot about open relationships recently, especially with TV shows like Sister Wives and the True Life series.
On true life, they featured poly-amorous people. These people openly dated men and women but none were married.
What I noticed about them was jealousy was quite prevalent and caused a partnership of three men to break up. One constantly felt insecure because the two seemed to partner off more.
There was also a woman who dated another woman and a man. I noticed that she didn't seem to develop deep connections with either of them and jealousy was also there.
When you can't focus all your attention on that one special person, it creates conflict. You may feel neglected and hurt.
It is also impossible to have a deep, connected relationship with more than one partner. I don't care what anyone says. If you can't receive all of him, then he can't receive all of you either. The closeness is much stronger when it is only two people.
On Sister Wives, one man named Kody has four wives and MANY children. These people were much more structured than the poly-amorous people I saw and they make open relationships seem functional. What I did notice was all the wives at one point or another felt neglected. They wanted more time with their husband and there just isn't enough time in the day. They had to take care of all the children, handle the house, and share their husband. The relationship between the wives was stronger than it was between husband and wife.
Honestly, why should you have to share your partner? Shouldn't he be able to support you 24/7 and vice versa? Do you want to be put second at times for another woman?
Especially with a baby on the way! You need undivided attention and support from your husband. Of course it is rational for you to feel this way, you are pregnant and your husband is having sex with another woman.
The only way I would consider continuing this was if you also enjoy the relationship with the woman. Do you have a sexual and emotional relationship with her? Does she fulfill any of your needs? If it is only for your husbands fulfillment, then it isn't fair.
I think you and your husband should discuss it and possibly agree to put any side relationships on hold while you are preparing for the baby. What you two really should be doing is focusing on the baby at this time anyway.
Your feelings are completely justified, so go with your gut.
Good luck,
-Abby
]
More Questions: |