|
The letter and the ambiguous meaning of "needing space"
I've...sigh...I was dating this great guy for almost 3 months. Things were great, he's great albeit sometimes a little distant. He's sort of introverted and is used to his independence. Maybe I pushed too hard on trying to find a label or I didn't know how to ask how he felt about me. We had had a conversation that he wasn't ready for a relationship, but being exclusive with me was the thing for him. Which is ohh I dunno...a relationship. Whatever. I know he likes me and I like him too, and miss him.
It was mutual I guess, I didn't want to trap anyone into a relationship they didn't want to be in and he wasn't ready to admit that IT was what he was in and liking it. Either way we broke it off and the next day I texted me and he asked me for time to think things over. We've been texting all week. Sometimes I won't text him at all, and he'll initiate communication, online or over text. We'll talk and ask about each others day...it's torture. It's been going on for about a week and there hasn't been a night were I haven't cried. I play it cool and never mention the issue at hand and he does the same. But the separation is really hurting me. I tend to be uncomplicated and like things to the point, so this waiting period is kinda painful. But I think he's worth it. I know we miss each other, and I've been waiting for him to just step up and say what he I know is in his heart...but he's so scared. I can tell.
This morning I wrote a letter to him explaining everything from my end. What I feel, how I'm willing to give him time, and if he'd just give me a high sign if he thinks we can get back together and get through this bump in the road together. I haven't made up my mind to send it or not. Help? Please?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You need to stop speaking to him.
What you are failing to recognize is that YOU are the one who needs space to mourn the relationship, and to let it truly end.
Just like you needed more relationship than he wanted, you now need more space than his wishy-washy definition of space entailed.
This is a guy who likes to live in the mushy-middle, and frankly, it’s abusive to your partner to always keep things in limbo like that. He’s being cruel, selfish, and self-absorbed (even if it’s unintentional) it’s still what he is doing.
And you need to tell him to stop. Stop contacting you. Stop texting. Stop speaking to you. Stop going through the motions of togetherness while not actually being together. It’s contradictory and hurtful, and he needs to stop. Since he doesn’t have the decency to figure that out on his own – you need to tell him to stop.
Stop playing it cool. It’s not cool. It’s wrong of him to behave this way. It’s great if you want to give him time, but he has to take that time away from you, in a space away from you were he isn’t victimizing you. Only then do every have a chance of reuniting without resentment and anger is by telling him to handle his own shit and give you a call when he is done.
Send your message – but tweak it. Instead of saying “This situation we are in is okay for a little while… if it’s leading somewhere…” which is not true. This situation isn’t okay – it’s killing you. Tell him the truth instead “What we are doing right now isn’t okay. It’s hurting me and causing me a lot of misery. I need to you decide if you want to be my friend, or if you want to work through this and try to be together again. Don’t contact me again until you know which path you’d like to walk down. Thank you.”
Don’t destroy yourself while he makes up his mind. No one has a right to abuse you in that way. Don’t jump on his wishy-washy emotional rollercoaster with him. Tell him to drop you a line when the ride is over.
]
You shouldnt keep torturing yourself. You should tell him it hurts to much to talk to him and tell him you cant do it. If you stop talking to him and he really does like you, he'll miss you so much that he'll realize what he wants. If you let him keep you around and youre always there anyways who wont feel he needs to change the situation as fast or at all. He doesnt know what he wants so show him. And if he doesnt do anything about you not talking to him then you should probably find another. Because thats like saying he doesnt care you left his life.
]
More Questions: |