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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
So there is this girl that I started becoming friends with. A little into our friendship, I started talking about one of my guy friends, let's call him A, she searched him on facebook and said she wasn't even cute. Two days later, they have each other's numbers and text all the time. She started liking him. Then she came over to my house while my brother had some of his buddies over. She searched the cutest one facebook, he'll be B, chatted him and they exchanged numbers. She texts him all the time. Now, I started liking this boy. He will be C. She started liking him, too. She talks about him all the time, flirts with him all the time, tells me what he does around her and exaggerates some actions he takes toward her. Even though she knows I like him. So, I confronted her on all of these boys and she said she's only friends with A and B and doesn't like like C. B thinks her texting is annoying, A only talks to her because he likes the idea of knowing she wants to talk to him. I don't know what to do. I just want to tell her to make her own friends! But I just don't have the heart. How do I handle this?
The Answer
You get over it.
You can be her friend still - or you can decide this bothers you too much and cool down the friendship, but you also get over it. A, B and C can choose on thier own to speak to her or not speak to her and there is almost nothing at all you can do about it.
Although it feels like she is doing this deliberately, no one ever does it on purpose. She is trying to find her way through the world, and she is using you as her guide and her model, and you are the person she is seeking approval from. Approval for what people it's okay for her to like and be friends with. It's normal, and it's not even unhealthy.
If you keep on accusing her or confronting her, she will very honestly say “WTF! No!” and you’ll start a fight. She won’t be lying to you. She doesn’t see it the way you do. So there is no point in trying to argue with her. You’ll only be being a bully – and honestly – exaggerating your own position in her life, just the way she exaggerates hers with other people.
Let it go. If it upsets you, spend less time with her. You might remind her next time you feel she is flirting with C that she said she didn't like him... But still, she is young and flirtatious; she might not see what you see.
Rather than punishing her or confronting her, tell her gently when her behaviour doesn't line up with what she's told you is true. If your comments are taken badly, and you can’t put up with her behaviour, then you just aren’t cut out to be friends.
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The Question
If I had an abortion 5 months ago and realized it was the BIGGEST mistake EVER.. can i still get pregnant?
The Answer
If you had a legal, safe procedure by a licensed doctor, then there is no reason at all to think you wont get pregnant in the future. Current abortion practices are very safe, and don't cause damage to a woman's ability to conceive.
If you are concerned, talk to a doctor.
If you are unhappy and experiencing lots of guilt and challenges after your abortion, seek counselling to help you deal with these feelings.
Many women do experience shame and regret after their abortion - and woman many are simply happy and relieved. All that matters for you is being honest with how you feel and what you believe, and that you take care of yourself and get the support and medical care you need.
You made a choice, and sometimes we regret our choices, but not every choice we regret is the wrong choice to have made. Even if were wrong, making mistakes or being wrong, doesn't make you a bad person. You are only human.
Take care of yourself. You deserve the care of proffesionals and to have your questions answered by the proffesionals. Don't rely on the internet - there is a lot of lies and nonsense out there on both sides of the debate about abortion. See a doctor if you are concerned about your fertility and health. See a counsellor to help you care for your mental health.
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The Question
My boyfriend of 2 years has been accusing me of cheating since the beginning. I have more guy friends than girls because they back stab. He gets jealous if I talk or look at a guy that I help at work for their schooling in placement tests. It all started when a friend that I have known a year and a half before him was changed to a girls name in the phone because I noticed he was deleting guys off my phone. I completely forgot that I changed him to a girls name because I give my boyfriend the phone while I'm at work. The guy called 8 months later and asked me for money. He lives in another state and my boyfriend got angry over it. After that I deleted it. Now he won't let me use my own cell phone that I pay for. I can't drive to work, he has to drop me off from my own car. He calls me at work to make sure I'm not cheating at the college while working. He thinks our 1 yr old is not his and that I'm secretly having sex with the neighbors. I don't know wat to do anymore. Counseling is not working
The Answer
Your boyfriend of 2 years has been bullying you and abusing you with false accusations since the beginning in order to deal with his own insecurities and negativity.
He has invaded your privacy on your phone and behaved deceitfully.
He is isolating you from other people in your life who care for you.
He is withholding your property from you.
He is not just an asshole. This is abuse, and in some cases, illegal behaviour.
If you are seeing counselling together - that's great - but if you have given couples counselling a fair shake it's time to get some counselling and support by yourself to help sustain you and advise you as your remove this abusive man from your life. Lots of centers for abused women exist, with legal aid available as well as counselling, and you should visit one. Just because this man has never hit you doesn't mean he isn't abusing you. He is. And you and your child deserve to be free from him.
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The Question
19/f
I started university in September which meant living away from home for the first time. The lifestyle here makes it so easy to go out, get drunk and bring someone back with you and I've become really promiscuous. I'm starting to get a reputation and I've found myself lying to friends about whether or not I've had sex the night before because I'm scared of them judging me. Usually I use condoms and I'm on the contraceptive injection but there have been times when I've been too drunk to bother and have had to worry about STI's. I know it's stupid and I'm putting myself at risk but I can't seem to stop.
I really want to meet someone and have a proper relationship but guys never seem to want anything more than drunken sex with me. When it's happening I feel attractive and wanted but afterwards I just end up feeling worse.
How do I change?
The Answer
Three Months of No Booze for You.
I'm serious. That's my prescription. Three months of teatotalling is what you need.
I was twenty when I realized that I was falling into kind of shitty relationships with people I hooked up with while drunk. So sure, I was managing to turn my occasional drunken sex into ‘real relationships’ but they weren’t with people a sober me would select. So I stopped drinking, smoking weed and having sex for six months (I promised myself three, and at three was feeling better but still weak and compromised, so I made it six months.)
Best. Thing. I. Ever. Did.
Now, you might not want to go that far. Maybe it’s only the alcohol you want to remove, but honestly, that’s the approach I’d take. It’s really tough at first to go to bars with your friends and order a coke, and then after a little while, it becomes really easy, especially if you’ve got one or two friend in your corner who will support your choice. The trick is NOT to sit at home and moan about how you can’t go out sober with your drunken friends. The trick is to find out what sober you wants and likes, and keep going out and exposing yourself to situations, just without drinking.
A guy who wants drunken sex with you is unlikely to want anything else – that’s why they are having drunken sex.
That doesn't mean you can't met people drunk - meeting drunk people is a blast and yes, you could totally develop a crush or a great conversation from that - it's just that fucking them is not a good idea.
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The Question
I am a 24 year old pre-op transexual. I have been on hormones for almost three years now, look real good and live 24/7 as a woman. I always tell my dates up front my birth gender. I find that most of the men I date seem to think that transexuals are sex machines. Most of them ask for a BJ at the end of the date. Most of the time I will give them what they want and chalk it up to a bad date. Are there other girls having this same problem?
The Answer
Well, no. Because most girls, when a guy makes the mistake of thinking they is up for sex on the first date wont go down on him and think "Meh, it was a bad date." They tell him to go to hell and think "Meh, it was a bad date."
Honey, stop going down on people you don't like anyways. Blow jobs are for the good dates, not the bad ones. The best dates probably don't even ask for one.
It's a common, unfair idea that many straight people (especially straight men) have about anyone who is queer, bi or trans that their life must be all about sex. That they are sex-obsessed and game for anything.
If you are sex obsessed and game for anything, fine, go ahead and give blow jobs on the first date if you enjoy it. But if you are looking for a relationship, then you can't hook up with every date who expresses an interest in you. It will take some time to weed out the guys who just want you because you are exotic and different. There are lots of guys who'd be totally into you exactly as who you are - but the ones that want a blow job on the first date are more likely the ones who are only thinking of you as a transsexual, not as a possible partner.
If the date was only 'Meh' and you aren't really feeling the person, don't go down on them. At worst - they are using you. At best - you are giving them mixed signals about what is really going on in your mind.
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The Question
Since my job as a cashier doesnt pay enough , i started a small one-person cleaning business. So i get a request from some lady to clean her backyard. $240 is a pretty good price for her condo-sized Yard. So when im about to leave she invited me for coffee , and we sat and talked , but since i was wearing my orange skinnies and i kinda got hard she noticed it and she put her hand on it and said "your really big" and rubbed me harder and kissed me, I ran out .But shes really hot! why is this happening help!
The Answer
She didn't just try to seduce you hun. She sexually assaulted you.
Think of what would happen if it had been a man doing this to a younger girl? That's sexual assault. It's a crime. It's illegal to treat someone that way.
You should report her to the cops really, but I know that just like the guys who have answered this with their fake boys-don't-cry-machismo, you probably won’t and even if you did, unfortunately, the cops are likely not to take you as seriously as they should.
So stay the hell away from her. She is a predator who tried to pay you so you’d feel obligated to have sex with her. That is not good people. Avoid her at all costs.
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The Question
I sent my girlfriend a text message. In the text message, I asked "Are we
still boyfriend and girlfriend." A couple of minutes later, I didn't get a
response, so I sent another message saying "I would really appreciate a
response." She sent this reply " yes David..... I have to say its kind of
getting old having to tell you over and over again.. I m not sure why you
worry so much.. I have a class now..so I'll talk to you later "
Question: She used excessive periods after saying “yes david”. She used
five periods after that sentence. She only used two periods in her other
sentences. She put extra space between "yes david....." and the next
sentence. When I copy and pasted the exchange of texts into advicenators,
the extra space didn’t show up, but it was there in the original message.
You can’t see the extra space here, but it was in the original message.
She didn't use this extra space between her other sentences. What do the
five dots in "Yes David....." mean? I understand they mean she is annoyed,
but do they directly express annoyance or do they mean that something was
unwritten and it is up to the reader to assume what was supposed to be
written?
The Answer
Dear God boy. You are going to get yourself dumped by every sane woman out there unless you get a hold on your obesseive insecurities.
SHE TOLD YOU PERCIESELY WHAT SHE MEANT.
She didn't lie or mislead or imply or ask you to 'read between the lines.' Her punctuation wasn't the damn message. The girl was stunningly and respectfully clear to you about what she was feeling.
You are lucky enough to have a girl who didn't play games with you at all. She told you what she was feeling honestly and directly. That was really good of her and you should listen and respect someone when they are up front with you like that.
You don't need to assume anything. She told you exactly what she meant:
She is tired of reassuring you.
Frankly, she is probably also annoyed at the passive-aggressive way you badgered her for a response as well. This is the kind of “Love me! Pay attention to me!” behaviour that is only acceptable when a 3 year old feels this way about thier mommy. It is not acceptable in a rommantic relationship.
If you aren’t getting what you need from this relationship – end the relationship.
But stop being a whiny, needy bastard. No one wants a passive-aggressive partner who is always begging them for reassurance.
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The Question
my parents used to make me clean the entire house as my "chore" for living at home, all through high school. My sisters are apprx 12 years younger than me, and because my mom is perpetually sick and my dad is perpetually working, i have always been the one to take care of them. Recently i moved out, and over the last few months the house has absolutely gone to hell. the carpet is literally covered in clothes, food, and my sister's toys. my dad has left some plumbing projects undone which has resulted in mold. to make a long story short, they no longer care if the house is clean or not.
I have noticed since moving out that my sisters (4 and 6) are always ill. they go through pneumonia, colds, flu viruses more than any other kids i have seen, and i know it's because my family is living in their own filth. whenever my dad sits them down to eat, he brushes all the food crumbs (and objects) onto the floor to make room. he uses bath towels as pot holders.
Because i was hurt that it only mattered to them when they could force me to keep the house, i stopped coming home every weekend to clean up for them (even when my mom said she was going to pay me) but started once again when i went into the bathroom and stepped into a used baby wipe. (my dad won't allow us to flush them, we have to throw them in the trash, which was overflowing)
I think my parents might be hoarders as well. you cannot walk through the garage, even though we have cleaned it out 4 or 5 times; my dad refuses to get rid of anything. only recently could we even walk around downstairs.
the house being in constant disarray has resulted in my parents being on edge and also, constantly sick. i usually wake up to screaming. I can't talk to my parents about anything without being treated like i am younger than my sisters, then i am reprimanded for trying to correct them.
now here is the problem. I am going to move to another state soon, and i am afraid to leave my sisters in this environment; there is no way i could take them with me, i can barely support myself. if i mention anything about how to keep organzied, i get yelled at, and treated like i am too stupid to understand them. it's getting frustrating, and i don't know how long i can stand coming home and seeing everything BEYOND dirty. how do i tell my parents that i am worried about this environment, and that i want things to change? my mom is too sick to really help, and my dad has started habits that are actually making it harder to keep things clean (like putting trash in the sink when the can is full, then putting and industrial sized can in the living room because he doesn't want to walk 5 feet.) it looks awful and it's harming their health. furthermore, i am tired of being responsible for essentially, 4 children. i don't want my sisters to have the same emotional problems that i did from being seen as a cleaning tool... and i have no idea how to talk to my parents about it.
please, please help.
The Answer
Call Child Protective Services.
When I was 19, I had to make the very, very difficult to decision to let a brother sit in jail and NOT bail him out (so that I could do what he was supposed to be doing at the time and take care of my younger siblings until my parents returned from an overseas trip.) I know it's not quite the same thing, but I do grasp the very scary thing it is to leave a family member in the grip of the law and social services - where you don't know quite what will happen.
But this is sort of where you are at now. You know your younger sibling's health is at serious risk. I don't think you should try to speak to your parents anymore - you are their child, and you shouldn't have to fight with them or jeopardize your relationship with the whole family to change this horrible situation. They know your opinion, it's time they hear a social workers opinion.
So, put an anonymous call into CPS. A lone social worker will come by the house, they do a general walk around, look at the child, check the fridge for food, and make a recommendation on how to move forward. They rarely remove kids from a home (although, yes, this is a possible outcome). More often they give parents a chance to change, and mandate classes or support or follow up visits.
I know this is scary as hell, and it's all wrapped up in your totally justified anger and resentment of the way you've been treated, but for the sake of your family, call CPS.
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The Question
Can a girl get pregnant if sperm gets in her ass
The Answer
YES.
It leaks. It is possible. Must less likely than vaginal unprotected sex, but the risk definately exists.
Use protection. Always.
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The Question
I've been with my boyfriend for 15 months. I'm a senior in high school, 17, and he's a freshman in college, 19.
Its gotten to a point where I can't bear the sight of him. I don't even want to Skype him because I don't want to bother feigning interest.
I have no idea what sparked this. I don't think I necessarily grew tired of HIM, but I found out more about him as the relationship went on that I grew to hate. He's cocky, conceited, and we want different things in the long run - he has a lot of family baggage involving a special needs sibling and he wants to live in the house he grew up in for the rest of his life; I want to marry young, him older; I don't think I could ever bear children (due to med. problems) and he inconsiderately said that "he couldn't marry a woman who couldn't bear him a child". And our overall level of communication does not match up.
Now as I'm writing this, its plain to see where breaking up would, in fact, be the smart and obvious move. But there are so many things about our relationship which I feel I would miss so much. I've seen him once a week almost every week for over a year - I feel like there'd be a major, lonely void there if I broke up with him. - I admittedly don't have a whoooole lot of friends. I have a few close ones, but not enough where I can make plans with different sets twice a weekend, every weekend. - Also we do have a few good times, when he's not pissing me off...
I think he was more mature than I was when we met - I was a young 16, he was just on the cusp of 18 - but now I think the tables have turned completely. He talks to me in a baby voice constantly and I can't stand it. When I calmly and casually confront him with minor issues he whines "nooo" in a baby voice. I want to smack him. And all he thinks about is schoolwork. I'm very studious also, but he hasn't found out how to balance work and play. ALL he talks about is schoolwork when he's at school - he has no fun at all. This is completely opposite from high school, when he did no schoolwork whatsoever.
Obviously this relationship sounds like a trainwreck, I'm not stupid, but I can't bring myself to break up with him. I wish it could just fade away. This is my first relationship and I don't know how to handle it. He hasn't actually done anything wrong, which would make me feel bad to break up with him. I'm also torn about whether to end it now or at the end of the summer, before college... or during college, after I scope out the guys... idk. I know its not fair to him because I'm not committed and I've been scoping out other guys for about 3 months. Any advice at all, or personal experience, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks :)
The Answer
You know you are going to break up with this guy. There isn't much of a question yet. You hold him in contempt and you don't want the same things. Those are basically the two kisses of death for a relationship. You just aren't ready to do it yet.
You know what? That's okay.
It feels shitty. It feels shitty and dishonest to know it's over, but not be able to say it out loud yet. It's actually really very normal. I remember walking around the block trying to psyche myself up to breaking up with a guy each time before I went to his house for like, two weeks before we finally broke up.
Breaking up is hard to do.
You're going to dump this guy. The relationship isn't working for you and there are lots of really, really good reasons to think it won't work in the long term either.
Give yourself a break. You'll be ready when you are ready. It's scary and it's sad, but you'll get there and learn some valuable things about how you get to that point, and what to do about it.
If you find yourself scoping out guys knowing you'll dump him in the spring - that's pretty awful. That's an underhanded plan and you shouldn't do that, but if you honestly just haven't quite made up your mind yet, give yourself some slack and some time to do so. You know where this is most likely heading, but it's okay to give it some time to get there.
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The Question
My husband and I are quite literally polar opposites. I'm a "tree hugging hippie," and he's a "war-monger." I love him madly though, and he feels the same way, but because we are so vastly different, we communicate in different ways. When I was in school I had all kinds of psychological tests and access to books etc, for things like "Love languages", "Hartman's Color Code", and other such tests, but now I don't know how to get ahold of those anymore. I'd like to find some way to improve our communication, because when we do fight it's usually because of discrepancies therein. If I could get any advice on the matter it would be greatly appreciated.
The Answer
Go see a therapist togeather.
You don't mention how your husband feels about trying to improve your communication, and self help books and those True Color Quiz types things are all well and good, but unless your husband is also very invested in changing the way you communicate it's unlikely that alone will do you much good. Also, a therapist will have access to those quizes and workbooks. Most of them are not sold in bookstores, but through human reasources, managment training or counseling suppliers.
If your husband is luke warm on changing, going to counseling together can help you both discuss the your individual issues, and brush up on how to handle them better.
Therapy doesn’t have to be from when you are in crisis. It can also just be the kind of relationship tune-up you are looking for. It's a great idea to 'learn how to fight' in a way that works for you as a couple - invest in a therapist to help you figure it out. It's one of those things that is easier to learn from an experienced professional, then from a book.
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The Question
17/f
I'm not pregnant, but I've always wondered about this. Where do people even get abortions?? At the nearby clinic? Anywhere? Hospital? Because when I think about it, I feel like clinic isn't the best way to go because I think of them as... Just general doctors, not doctors that give you abortion pills.
The Answer
Depends on where you live, and what the rules are.
Generally, doctors have to be trained to provide abortions - in most places this training results in a license to perform abortions. In some places, nurses can also become licensed abortion providers.
When people talk about going to a clinic for an abortion, they almost always mean they are going to a woman's health clinic or an abortion clinic - a special clinic with the right equipment, properly trained staff, and enough security to keep out those who want to physically harm abortion providers and their patients. A clinic is just a word that means they deal with outpatients. Even your family doctor's office is a clinic, and hospitals have clinics too. It's the area where patients are diagnosed and treated who don't needs beds.
Some hospitals have doctors on staff who provide abortions. In my country, Canada, about 20% of hospitals have a doctor or nurse licensed to perform abortions. In the states, that number is closer to 10% - so most women must go to a special clinic to have an abortion - and in some place, especially rural areas, there are few, or none, of those clinics and women will have to travel quite a long ways to access an abortion provider.
It's important to remember that doctors who perform abortions are just normal doctors. Most of them just family doctors, or sometimes gynecologists - the only difference is they took a special course on how to perform abortions or was trained by another doctor who knew. Doctors who provide abortions often provide other health care, like birth control, STI checks and family planning support as well. I live in Canada, and although some doctors do provide abortions full time here, most have a mixed practice and help their patients in many ways, not just abortion. They might even provide prenatal care to patients and delivery babies.
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The Question
Hi, okay
so basically I'm 19 years old, and I've smoked pot daily since I was 13. My life revolves around it. I often smoke a bowl before I'm even out of bed in the morning, and generally keep my buzz going by smoking more and more on an hourly basis throughout the day. I smoke weed at work, when I was in school, I blazed all day at school too. I got kicked out of my parents house as a result. A lot of my money and energy goes to staying high. I recognize that it isn't a sustainable way to live and I want to stop. But when I'm not maintaining a high, I default to liquor, or whatever drug is available at the time. It's almost like the only place I can get pleasure or contentment is from getting that light, dizzy feeling in my head. I don't want to go to a therapist - I have dysthymia, a borderline personality, ADD, social anxiety, and a whole host of other issues I've been clinically diagnosed with but refuse to take medicine for. As far as I'm concerned, this is the hand that God dealt me with and I believe in coping with it without drugs. I think there's a huge difference between solving a problem, and just eliminating it. So basically smoking weed has been my means of self-medicating and I've been hugely dependant on it for 6 years. I feel like I'm going to be depressed and suicidal if I stop. But I don't wanna be that person that self-medicates either. I would like to stop but willpower has never been one of my strong points and it's HIGHLY available to me.. I won't go into the details because I'd rather not implicate anyone, but there are people in my life who make a living off of pot and they definately aren't going anywhere. Nor do I want these people out of my life, they are very dear loved ones and that just isn't an option. Soo with all this in mind, does anyone have any ideas on how I might stop? Especially I would appreciate comments from people who used to blaze a lot and stopped themselves. Anyways thanks in advance, hope I get something useful
The Answer
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK.
If you'd mentioned previous experience with medication and therapy, my advice might have been a bit less harsh, but fundamentally, I stand by what I said. I made an assumption based on what you wrote here - that's what advice is. It's not my fault when you leave out huge pieces of the puzzle.
And I do reject your premise, completely. I actually think one of the most valuable parts of advice giving in pointing out when a person's premise is faulty – when their thinking is fundamentally flawed. Yours is unrealistic, it's counter-productive, destructive and the very core of your self-medicating problem is the your illusion that you should be able to handle all of life’s problems by yourself. You've stopped looking for solutions beyond your own mind - despite the fact your own mind is where all the trouble resides. You aren't going to find real solutions until you start looking for them again.
Many people have done what you are asking without the help of the professionals, but even more have needed the assistance. Since you haven't managed to stop yet on your own, what was so crazy about saying you need assistance? Not a damn thing.
So you haven't found the right professional support for YOU yet. So what? I saw three therapists and tried four different medications before I found the mix that helped me address my problems. I have now been out of therapy, sober and off medications for years. I didn't elimate my issues, but I had support controlling them until I learned to control without that support.
I didn't stop looking when the first professional advice and support I got didn't work for me. I didn't give up on therapy because my first therapist was a quack and the second one was the wrong personality for me to work with. I kept looking for real solutions until I found them.
They are out there, and they reside within the professionals. Stop giving up and making excuses. It's hard work finding help. If you want help, start doing the work.
I wish you luck solving your problems all by your lonesome. It's certainly not impossible - just at this point, it's looking unlikely for you. You need to reach outside of yourself and leave your comfortable opinions and perspectives behind. Your comfortable when you high. You are comfortable with your mental illness. To combat these issues, you are going to have to be willing to get uncomfortable and yes, even try some shit that might not work.
- - -
You don't want to see a therapist.
You don't want to see a doctor for medication.
You don't want to remove your access to the drug.
You've fucked yourself with your restrictions. You've eliminated all the very good, sensible advice that anyone would give you. How can you possible get well when you've decided that you don't want to do anything of the things that will actually help you get well?
No one here has some magical spell you haven't heard of yet. Your faith hasn't saved you. Your own will power isn't saving you. Your self-medicating with illegal and dangerous drugs isn't gonna save you.
Not being able to save yourself all by yourself does not make you a bad person. The vast majority of people with substance abuse problems or mental health problems can't solve them all by themselves. Therapy and medication work. That's why people give you lots of advice to go down those paths. That's what works. That is what begins the long path to solving problems - or at least coping with them!
The obvious, clear as crystal solution is to seek counselling or therapy for you ongoing mental health issues and your substance abuse problem. Seeking a doctor's advice on how to handle the physical withdrawal - and yes for medication that will support your goals at therapy is the next logical step. Medications don't eliminate the problems! Wouldn't it be nice if they did. All they do is help you find a headspace where you can actually start to address the problems you�ve got.
Stop making unrealistic demands from the universe. It's not going to change the way this shit works just 'cause you want it too. Start with seeing a therapist, or join a support group for people with drug dependencies. Then get the hell over yourself long enough to start actually taking the good advice you are being given. It's really that simple. If you say "please help me" but then won't trust anyone to help you - you aren't going to get help.
God didn't just deal you a hand with this body and mind. There is also a whole world full of people with advice, expertise, experience and training. Each time you lock them out, you lock yourself in into your misery.
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The Question
Well I resently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years and I'm trying to forget about him but now his friends know what happen kinda and they are looking at me like I'm the evil one in this. They don't know how he treated me and what went on behind doors and they keep trashing me I don't know what to do I look really bad to everyone and I get dirty looks. How do I make peice?
The Answer
Peace? You probably don't get to have peace with his friends.
If they are going to treat you this way, then they never knew you well enough to bother listening to your side of the story. Be respectful and friendly, but give them space. They aren't going to hear you out.
If they get aggressive, remind them that they only have one side of the story and obviously you were togeather for two years - they know you aren't evil.
Lots of people make the mistake of thinking that break up means they have to be nasty to the ex. Hopefully they'll get over it, but there is nothing you can do to make them stop all togeather.
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The Question
Can someone explain to me the difference between "pansexual" and "bisexual"? I understand that pansexual is supposed to be like, it's about the mind and not the body, but it also means you're attracted to both sexes... which is bisexuality... I don't know, I'm just a little confused. Thanks! :)
The Answer
Not quite.
Pansexual generally means that sex or gender doesn’t limit your attraction, and that you experience sexual attraction to people across the gender spectrum. It's a more inclusive term than bisexuality because it includes people who don't fall into the male or female categories, but who understand their own identity as falling into the gray areas like transsexuals, transgendered and intersex. Often, pansexualism is combined with idea of gender-blindness, which is the claim that gender is irrelevant to a person’s sexual attraction.
Bisexuality means you are attracted to ‘both’ sexes or genders (The 'Bi' meaning Two.) Which makes it binary - an assumption that there are only two, distinct genders or sexes to be attracted too.
Frankly, I dislike both labels.
Bisexuality defines gender as either male or female, and cuts out all the middle ground. Pansexuality - although this is not technically what it means - has a bad of habit of trying to pretend gender is completely irreverent, which is no respectful of everyone for whom gender is an intrinsic part of who they are, especially those who have struggled to discover and express their gender identity.
Really, I think when ‘spirit’ and ‘soul’ come into it, it gets a bit silly. No one falls in love with someone, or likes someone JUST because of their gender! Who they are is ALWAYS the biggest factor: their personality and character and values. When we are talking about sexuality we are not just taking about some specific, actual person’s character or personality who you might fall in love with or want a relationship with – we’re talking about who falls into the group of people you might potentially be attracted too. If you find yourself interested in men and woman (however you choose to define that binary and NOT people who fall outside of those two categories) than bisexual is a good label. If you are attracted to men, woman and others who fall outside those two categories, than pansexual is more accurate. If you are having trouble figuring this out, ask yourself what you think about when you masturbate. That’s generally a good clue.
Also, you don't have to figure it out. Anything you do figure out, is likely to change over the course of your life anyways.
What it comes down to is this:
Labels suck.
They are necessary to a degree to help us understand each other, but you also need to able to throw them out the window and simply accept who you are and what you feel, and the honest truths others tell you about what they feel and experience.
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The Question
so you know how we say bonjour to people or hola or anything a different language to say hello just for fun? well, do people that originally speak french do the same thing like us for instead say hello?
The Answer
Yes.
Not always with Hello though. English slang works its way into other cultures through TV, but also through products names like LifeSavers or even MySpace which aren’t always translated. Also, a lot of technical products like computer parts or software, or even medical products are designed in English speaking countries, but used elsewhere and might keep their English names.
One of the funniest things I saw walking around Toyko was a shirt on this girl that said, in English, "Love is Hope. Cranberry."
Makes you realize just how many shirts with Chinese and Japanese characters on them sold in our stores here are total nonsense too.
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The Question
I am wanting to go back to school. i want to do something art/history wise like work in an art history museum or work at an auction place. something where i dont have to be my own boss. I do not want to teach it. any idea how many years of school i would have to go for something like this. or what kind of degree i would need?
The Answer
It depends a bit on what kind of work you'd specifically like to be doing.
An undergraduate degree in Art History is what will get you started. You could do a more general arts program, but it does sound like you specifically want Arts History, so look for that.
Afterwards, you might find you need to do a bit more certification or continuing ed to qualify for type of jobs at museum you’d like. Those jobs are somewhat competitive to get, and large museums will look more favorably on someone who took special courses during their education, or did additional courses in things curating exhibits, museum preservation and archiving practices, and education.
Also, ask the people you talk to at schools you’re applying to. They probably know some graduates, how they got there and what they are doing. There are many paths, but the one’s I know of in my country are generally that you get a degree in history, and then do some 1 or 2 year certificate program (full time or part time) to get your qualifications to work hands on in the museum. Depending on your area and what you want to do, you might not need the extra school.
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The Question
Hello people,
I have a problem, a big problem and I really need your help. I have my own room, and my own computer that is unfortunately in the TV room. I REALLY want my computer and desk in my room, that's where I have my problem(s). I can't have my computer in my room because. . .
{1} My room has no wireless or computer outlet thingie.
{2} My Dad and Mom are saying 'You can't have your computer in your room because we want to be safe.' I don't go on any bad sites!
{3} My Dad is too lazy to do anything on the weekends.
It's getting really frustrating for me having my computer where I write in the TV room with a TV and my parents on the couch leaning over and watching me type this. I watch TV while I write and it's really distracting.
Back on topic. How can I get a PRIVATE writing space when I can't move my computer into my room and I have a TV with my favorite show on in front of me while I write!!!!??? Thanks in advanced.
~~Anna
P.S. I'm fourteen.
The Answer
Honestly, I don’t think you are going to get what you want – at least not for a while.
It’s not the wires that are the problem. Your parents have been very clear: Having access to the interest in your own bedroom is a privilege and a safety concern, not something they are willing to allow right now.
And you don’t just want a private space; you want a private space WITH the TV with your favorite shows on. That’s a lot to ask! I’m an adult and even I can’t get that all the time. (If I had asked my parents for that at fourteen, they would have laughed at me – seriously. Laughed their fricking heads off.)
My parents also didn’t allow their kids their own computers in their bedrooms until we were 18. That’s when you got that privilege, and it makes sense. You can do some dangerous shit online and interact with dangerous people. It’s not about ‘bad sites’. It’s about bad people. Even here on Advicenators we’ve had a few bad people crop up who were looking to take advantage of teenagers. Of course here they get the boot really fast, but not every site is as well moderated (and not every bad person gets caught.)
It’s good that you don’t go on any bad sites! I’m sure your parents are proud of your judgment and sense – but it doesn’t mean you’ll get exactly what you want when you want it.
My best advice to you is to look at the living room and see if there is any re-arranging you can do to give yourself a bit less of a exposed position. Other than that, it sounds like you are out of luck for a while. Your parents laid down clear and understandable rules – they might suck – but they probably meant what they said.
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The Question
So there's this guy Matt. He has a good friend, Bentley. I've liked Bently since the beginning of this school year. He has a girlfriend but he had no problem letting me know he liked me too. Long story, Short? I just feel like he's trying to play me. He hasn't even talked to me in a week so I don't know. Anyway, I've known both of these guys since I moved here 5 years ago. Matt is a junior and Bents a senior. I saw Matt in a suit last week and I never noticed how cute he was until then. Thing is my older sister, an ex real good friend, and another good friend of mine has dated him before. Another good friend of mine just started talking to him recently and she told me she felt bad for him. She lead him on and then dropped him. He seems so sad all the time. I don't think he's a bad guy like everyone assumes. I think I'm starting to like him but there are a few things I'm concerned about.
•He and Bentley are good friends.
•He's already dated my sister and two friends. Something obviously went wrong with them. I don't know.
•He knows a lot of people I know. If me and him went for it he would be the first person I've ever dated in my town. I've purposely not dated in my town because its small and things get out and I'm an extremely private person. I have secrets that I don't want getting out. But if I were to date him I know I would have to let go of a few of them. I don't want to tell him and then he turn around and tell his buddies. I want to be able to know that everything I say is between me and him only.
I don't know whether I should go for him or not? If yes, a lot. of of people might question me. I don't care I do what I want with who I want whenever. I care about what my sister might say. If I did this I was thinking I should keep it quiet for awhile but then eventually I'm gonna have to tell her. I'm completely lost in this situation. Any insight would be helpful :)
Please & thank you.
P.S. I'm 16 and he's 17
The Answer
He's seventeen. He should be a serial dater. He's still figuring out what he wants in life and relationships. It's not a bad thing at that young age to be willing to date around.
It's the young teens who get into four year long relationships that concern me a great deal more than a young teens who are willing to met many people and find out what fits.
HOWEVER, your sister has dated him. Even if your sister is an uber-bitch to you (and it sounds like she isn't), you should respect her opinion and listen very closely to what she has to say.
Rather than keeping it a secret, why not gently tell your sister now? If you don't tell her until afterwards, she might not want to tell you the whole truth of what her experience with this guy is and hurt your feelings. Let her know now what you are thinking and feeling about this guy, and tell her this is her chance to make her feelings known before you do anything about it.
You might still go ahead and date him - even if she doesn't like it, and you can tell her as much. But let her know that you love and respect her feelings enough to come to her for advice first, not last. I understand being very private. I'm very private person too. But my sister would be someone I'd always take the risk of opening up to - to keep our relationship honest and respectful.
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The Question
Hi,ummm idk where to start but jsut like me there are others who have this "problem".I noticed that i may have a problem.i am actually really young to experience this,or from what i heard,i am 14 years old.i relized that i walk around my house not really noticing or giving a hoot about what im doing,i realized that i look back at my life in 6th and 7th grade because my life was awesome,and i was a cool girl,i look back at these memories almost everyday,i am a freshman now.sorry if reading this is confusing because im jumping from thing to thing.on the outside i make myself look NORMAL and a likeable person but on the inside i feel ABNORMAL.i want to oh oh so bad want to care but its like i lost my feelings and emotions like in the beginning/middle of last year.I broke down on the inside.I've also noticed that im lacking from many things such as ; getting bad grades in school,not focusing (tending to daydream about my once-had memories) , not really caring about my friends,and frankly i think i dont even care as much for my family either,I know this sounds as cold,and heartless as it seems but thats just the way i turned into,I NEED HELP!! i want to be the normal me like used to be,I Beleieve I Can Change. i looked up many things on this subject and came to symptoms of ; lonelyness, social axiety disorder,and bipolar disorder. reading this information clearly shocked me,i dont want to believe it but maybe i do have one of these problems? i told my mom about this,breaking down in front of her,she told me that im just scaring myself into thinking this stuff is happeneing to me and i should be grounded off the internet for putting this crap into my head,but i think its more then that..its serious to me,im not Myself, Im tired of acting like this,its almost like im a robot,no feelings/emotions/wat so ever.
The Answer
There are lots of reasons to experience emotional deadening or flattening. Some of them are medical - poor diet, lots of stress, life changes or even boredom ormalaise and other causes can be mental health related.
Don't flip out. This could be a normal, natural stage of life for you. You are at an age where your values and interests are shifting, and yeah, you’re a bit at a loss right now. It feels like a crisis, but it’s probably not a crisis.
Your mom has a point: The internet 'research' has scarred you to a degree that is irrational. You aren't a robot. You aren't crazy. You are experiencing something new and a bit unpleasant: You are aware of it, and you are worried by it. If you didn't recognize the difference or weren't upset at all by it - then there might be a serious problem. But you are behaving exactly like a rational, mentally healthy person with a concern.
Stop trying to diagnose yourself online. It doesn’t work like that. Everyone will present some of the symptoms of many mental health issues at some point in their lives – that doesn’t mean they have a mental disorder – it means they are human and for a short period of time some of the symptoms were present in small ways. Being depressed, doesn’t equal depression. More often being depressed is a rational response to situations, and will pass in time. Being moody, doesn’t equal bi-polar disorder. More often being moody means you need take better care of your body or make other changes. Being emotional flat, doesn’t equal sociopathy. More often it’s just being overwhelmed and at a loss with our changing lives.
In your life, you are going to change. The way the human brain works makes the past look and feel better than the present. That’s normal.
If you are concerned about your mood and your emotional well-being, the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. Cut the caffeine and junk food. Start getting moderate exercise. Turn off video games and social media and take a damn walk. Don’t over sleep, or sleep to little. Take stock of how you treat your body, and give it the helping hand it needs to keep your energized and positive. You are coming to that age where you start to realize you can’t just give your body crap and expect it to function well.
You could also try speaking to a counsellor or trusted teacher at school. They might have some advice from watching many kids go through these sorts of struggles – and as much as you might hate to hear it – this really is a normal, natural short of struggle that a lot of people go through.
You are absolutely right that you can change your behaviour. Starting with taking care of yourself, and maybe counselling or therapy will help you. But the internet diagnosing will NOT help you. Stop that. You don’t need a silly, inaccurate label in order to start making some changes that help you feel better.
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