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I keep sleeping around
19/f
I started university in September which meant living away from home for the first time. The lifestyle here makes it so easy to go out, get drunk and bring someone back with you and I've become really promiscuous. I'm starting to get a reputation and I've found myself lying to friends about whether or not I've had sex the night before because I'm scared of them judging me. Usually I use condoms and I'm on the contraceptive injection but there have been times when I've been too drunk to bother and have had to worry about STI's. I know it's stupid and I'm putting myself at risk but I can't seem to stop.
I really want to meet someone and have a proper relationship but guys never seem to want anything more than drunken sex with me. When it's happening I feel attractive and wanted but afterwards I just end up feeling worse.
How do I change?
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I'm going to second Razhie's suggestion of a sabbatical.
I found myself going down a similar path for a while in my first year of university. I had never been the subject of male interest before then, and all of a sudden guys seemed to want me. So I started being more promiscuous than I was comfortable with, and ended up in some bad relationships culminating with a 'boyfriend' of mine announcing his intentions to start dating another girl right after we'd just had sex on my birthday. Not an ego booster. So I decided to swear off of dating and sex for a while. Oddly enough, the day after was the day I met the man I'm engaged to now!
If you're finding yourself unable to control your actions while drinking, you need to cut it until you can limit yourself to a degree where you can trust yourself not to make bad choices. If your friends only like you when you're drinking, they're not real friends. Surround yourself with positive, happy, healthy people. Find what makes you feel good about you without depending on other peoples' opinions. Try joining a club or activity (yoga classes, art classes, outdoors club) that makes you happy. It'll help remove you from those gross barfly guys and put you in better society. Another idea is to take the money you would put aside for drinking each week, save it up for a few months and then blow it on something fantastic for yourself. You'd be surprised at how quickly even a few dollars (or pounds, I suppose) a week will add up.
You're probably not going to find love in a bar. People go there to put on beer goggles and get freaky, not to learn about what sort of person you are, what your likes and dislikes are and what kind of future you want. Getting in with people in a different environment gives them a chance to get to know you, rather than depending upon a shallow image they get from across a crowded room.
Don't be down on yourself. You're at a point where you're discovering yourself and who you want to be. Having the strength to look at yourself and decide that you don't like where you're headed is a good thing. Most of all, take care of yourself. Hit up the school clinic and get tested. See a counselor if you can't get past shameful feelings, or to find out what drives you to seek attention in this way. And you always have us :)
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It would have helped some if I knew you were from the UK. I also did not know that in the UK it was legal to Drink at 18. I was under the impression they had raised their drinking age to 21 one. Thanks for the information.
Hi, I'm old enough to be your grandfather. Hopefully my age and with the wisdom that comes from being my age you will heed my advice.
As to why guys "never seem to want anything more than drunken sex with me?" That's an easy question to answer. Boy's your age in or out of College do more thinking with the head between their legs than the one between their shoulders. They are programed to procreate and it is much easier to do so when drunk and with a drunken partner.
How do you change? You start by stopping the drinking and going to drunken parties. Besides the problems you have already pointed out; there are other consequences that could befall you.
Many schools have adopted a zero tolerance for underage drinking. If campus police find you drinking or drunk on campus you could be expelled.
Then there is the legal problem of underage drinking. Most Campus Police Officers are certified Police Officers with all the powers of a State Police Officer while on campus. This means you are not only facing the schools punishment for underage drinking but whatever the law prescribes as well.
This is a lose/lose situation if caught. The fact is most underage drinkers will be caught sometime before they reach their 21st birthday. Being arrested for underage drinking is not something you want as it is an arrest record that will follow you for the rest of your life. Given the public's present lack of tolerance for underage drinking you will find it harder to find a job with this type of arrest record.
Being sober you will make better decisions. You will be less likely to jump into bed with some guy on the first date. You will look for guys that respect you and want to get to know the real you; as someone who has feelings, opinions, warmth and caring. Not someone who is just a vagina and breast to use to satisfy primal urges.
You should also go to the campus clinic to be checked for STDs as it is in your own best interest. You should also ask to be checked for the HPV virus as that too can be communicated from men to women even if a condom is used. If you haven't been immunized for the HPV virus you should consider doing so as doctors are finding that both men and women carry the virus. The virus can be transmitted through kissing, oral sex and intercourse even with a condom.
I hope I have been able to offer some useful advice. You also will find that there are clubs and activities on campus where you will be able to meet both men and women with whom you can make friend and build relationships with, that do not have as part of the activity any form of alcohol. All you need to do is look for the different clubs and activities that are offered, find the ones that interest you and go to their meetings.
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Three Months of No Booze for You.
I'm serious. That's my prescription. Three months of teatotalling is what you need.
I was twenty when I realized that I was falling into kind of shitty relationships with people I hooked up with while drunk. So sure, I was managing to turn my occasional drunken sex into ‘real relationships’ but they weren’t with people a sober me would select. So I stopped drinking, smoking weed and having sex for six months (I promised myself three, and at three was feeling better but still weak and compromised, so I made it six months.)
Best. Thing. I. Ever. Did.
Now, you might not want to go that far. Maybe it’s only the alcohol you want to remove, but honestly, that’s the approach I’d take. It’s really tough at first to go to bars with your friends and order a coke, and then after a little while, it becomes really easy, especially if you’ve got one or two friend in your corner who will support your choice. The trick is NOT to sit at home and moan about how you can’t go out sober with your drunken friends. The trick is to find out what sober you wants and likes, and keep going out and exposing yourself to situations, just without drinking.
A guy who wants drunken sex with you is unlikely to want anything else – that’s why they are having drunken sex.
That doesn't mean you can't met people drunk - meeting drunk people is a blast and yes, you could totally develop a crush or a great conversation from that - it's just that fucking them is not a good idea.
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