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Whether or not i should date someone with 2 kids.
I just ended a 6 and a half month relationship with my girlfriend. I am 18 years old and a freshman is college, she is 21 years old who is not currently in school and has faternal twins the age of two. Obviously there is a good reason why i broke up with her. It has only been a week since we broke up and it is so hard. I love her and she loves me. What do i do? do i listen to society, my family and friends, the brothers of my fraternity? or my heart. do i look at my future or what. My heart is torn between choosing to date a girl i really love or what society tells me to do. She is a package deal which im not too excited for because no 18 year old freshman in college wants 2 kids. Also, she is still married to the other man but very close to getting a divorce. I really need some advice. Do i listen to my heart or society?
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Oh boy.
Friend, I don't envy you your position. Breaking up is difficult at any age, and at 18 it's even more difficult because you're not used to the inensity of the whole thing. I've had relationships break off because of circumstances. It's very easy to believe that 'love conquers all', but often the battle is more than you can withstand. You and your girlfriend may be absolutely compatible in all ways. But if you're not willing to step into a father role with her children, then it's not fair to continue the relationship.
Then there is the matter of her husband. The fact that she's been dating you can give her husband leverage in the divorce. It's called 'alienation of affection' and can allow him to pay less in alimony and child support. If she's raising two kids on her own, she's going to need all the help she can get, emotionally and financially. You don't want to be the reason she gets her support reduced or cut.
Right now your emotions are very raw because the breakup just happened. It's like going through surgery. It will take time to recover. Don't date her, but don't date anyone else for a while either. Get the divorce finalized, and then reassess. Of course, it just might work; a young man of my acquaintance married a much older woman when he graduated from college. He was 21, she was 39 and had four kids. That was seven years ago; the oldest is in college now. These things can work, but you have to be willing to do them.
Hope this helps.
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Oh christ.
Listen to me. Listen well.
Your heart isn't saying shit. Those two fleshy appendages in a pouch that looks like a brain when its cold out are what's saying shit.
Society tells you to get out while you can because there is absolutely zero chance that "shes the only one for you"
And because 18 year old guys are subject to powerful emotions they don't have the experience to understand or control.
She's married to another guy, has two kids at 21, and is in divorce. You have no idea the shitstorm of baggage you're bringing on yourself.
She's in over HER head. She's got 2 kids and a divorce at 21. Thats going to be hard to cope with, and guess who is going to be on the burning end of it?
Yep, you. You get to start a relationship out under the added stress of her divorce and needing to support 2 kids.
Then a bonus part. Yeah, you love each other now. She doesn't need diaper money or a bigger house for her kids right this second. Thats going to change, and you WILL be completely re-evaluated based on your value as a father as opposed to your value as a boyfriend.
You're 3 years behind her, you really feel like being 21-23 and working full time to support your new wife? I mean, you can't stay in a years long relationship with her as a boyfriend. Marriage is going to come up quickly if you stay together. You ready to be husband, ready to be "daddy"?
This isn't about "do you listen to your heart or society"?
Its about, do you trust your own judgement that this is a good idea above that of your friends, family, and a fair majority of everyone outside of that?
At 18, theres a good chance you do. This is the downfall of teenagers, and the reason we make you wait until 18 to be an adult. Because we remember being 18, and we remember our stupid decisions, and we remember how right we thought we were at the time.
This situation has a 99.999% chance of being one of those situations you regret ALOT later. What you won't regret is passing this up, meeting a girl you can start a relationship out on equal ground with, and ending up with your own family instead of someone else's.
Oh, and the fact that she dated you for 6 months while still married is a pretty bad sign. I just put two and two together there, and you dated her for 6 months while she was married with two kids.
A married woman had a fling with an 18 year old for 6 months with two young children...
And you think you love this girl, and want to have a family and maybe more kids with her? You want the woman who cheated on her husband with you to marry you? And get bored with, cheat on, and divorce you?
You're ignoring sound advice. I hope this post is a sign that the little voice in the back of your head is telling you that this might just be a terrible idea. If it isnt, pay attention, don't fuck yourself over, and use this to teach yourself where the line is that you don't cross.
You don't get involved with a married woman that has two kids, and then take up with her after her divorce.
At best, you'll be a rebound fling. At worst, the increasingly terrible divorce rulings have you paying child support for kids that aren't yours.
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I am glad you asked. I can understand how you would be confused. By the sounds of it your just not deciding between heart or society you are decided between your heart and mind. You need to do what is best for yourself. You need to finish school and get a good carrer. Also being a parent at this age is HARD. I do know that for sure! Single moms are looking for a long term thing. Moving in taking care of each other and taking care of the kids. I know this from experiance. You are 18 adn not ready to be a dad of two and take care of them financialy or emotionaly.
Ok so to sum everything up I guess stay in school, finish school and when your done if she is still around then go for it, if not the right girl will come along and you will make an amazing fathre and dad then. Sorry this is so long!
I hope this helps though! GOOD LUCK!!
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The real question is do you really want to be with this person.
YOU seem to be coming up with reasons why you shouldn't.
YOU quote society is against it. Who is society? Is it culture or is it you fighting inside yourself?
Advice can be given but YOU must make the choice. Think very carefully. Do you want to be with this woman for the rest of your life or not? The children are a consideration but only from the point that any mother will always be protective of her children and you may need to build a relationship gradually.
I met a woman with 3 children who were mixed race, her first husband being from Jamaica. I decided that I wanted to be with her, so I put in the WORK. We married in 1981 and we are still together.
The only important decsion is what YOU both think is right for ALL of you.
Good Luck, Bob
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Your heart is chasing after what it shouldn't have and doesn't really want. It is not society that sees the problem, the problem is, she is not the girl for you, and everyone who cares about you has told you this, only you don't want to hear it.
If you had your own kids it would be one thing, but you will end up regretting the decisions you make if you do not listen to those older and wiser than you.
Be honest with yourself. Is part of this because you feel somewhat responsable to her? Do not let the side of you that wants to be the chivelrous man rule your head.
Or maybe it could be that being around her makes you feel wonderful about yourself. She needs you so badly, she wants you so badly, she has a bruised ego and her thankfulness is just what you need.
Maybe it is the competition with the husband. Let me guess, he treated her like shit and you have changed her life.
You are not so happy about her kids, so she is saying she is a package deal, but keeping them out of the picture as much as possible. In the future, you won't be so lucky. At some point it will get serious, and those kids will be around all of the time and it will be you paying for the babysitter when you finally get some free time.
Don't ever EVER be fooled by allowing her to take care of the birth control prevention (that is, unless you are secretly trying to seek out a woman who you think will bear your children). Once that happens, put yourself in the position of the ex-husband, only worse because you won't be her first love and you wont be her last. She is only 21, so you can be sure another man will be raising your kid, but you will be paying for it.
You are a college student. Don't look for a way out behind the skirts of a woman and don't think for one second you are ready for the responsability.
Think of her kids. You say you are in love with her, but do you want to sleep in the same bed with her children? do you like to hug them? the way they smell? Do you like their personalities?
I was a teenaged mother of 5 sons, my oldest is 21. This is what I would tell them if they were in the same situation.
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You should choose what you want not what society or your fraternity brothers. The fraternity brothers are only your friends until college ends. She will be their forever. Kids are a wonderful thing, not extra baggage. No one plans to have 2 kids in college but stuff happens, there are plenty of people with kids that go to college, I doubt that you'd be the only freshman in college with kids. Colleges have day cares for a reason. Who cares what people at college think, they are most likely jealous because they want a bunch of girls or one.
--I hope I helped.
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First of all, never listen to society, friends, or frat brothers. None of those three are in your shoes, nor do they have any right to tell you what to do.
Listen to your family sometimes, always listen to your heart, always listen to your head, and always listen to REASON. You said yourself you don't want two kids. If you're not ready to deal with kids, then she's not the girl for you. If you're not willing to accept all of who she is, then you don't love her. If she hasn't left her husband for you, then she doesn't love you.
Think about it - she's STILL MARRIED. She may be "close to getting a divorce," but she's not divorced. She is not single, and she is not available. You were helping her commit adultery, you were having an affair with a married woman. That is not okay by any stretch of the imagination, and trust me - you don't want to be involved in that whole mess.
I agree that a freshman in college doesn't want kids. You have school, you'll have work, you'll be busy and you're not mature enough for it. No offense - I'm 21, about to graduate college, and I'M not ready for kids.
I imagine everyone is telling you the same thing I am. I wish I could tell you to follow your heart and be with the woman you love, but I can't condone an affair. Did you know about the kids when you started dating? If you did, why continue dating for six and a half months? If you knew and didn't care, why did you end it? Let's face it. You're 18. You're not gonna marry anyone right now.
My advice to you is to get out of this mess. Leave her alone. If and when she divorces her husband, and if and when you're ready to accept the fact that she has kids, THEN you can date her, if you still want to. You're too young to worry about your future, so get that out of your head. Listen to a combination of reason and your heart. Open a blank word document and write about what you feel. Be honest, and never show it to anyone if you don't want to.
If you need more advice, or just someone to talk to, drop another question in my inbox, or IM me. Just make sure you IM more than once so I know you're not spam. Good luck.
-Siren =)
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I would say listen to your heart, but if you don't think you can handle a relationship where children are involved, there might be some problems down the road.
If you're okay with it, though, then don't worry about what society thinks. It's your life, not theirs. There will always be people who don't agree with what you do in life, but you have to remember that you're the one who has to live with it, not them.
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Well, I think that you should listen to your heart, but also take into consideration what your family is telling you. It is not the girl that they may not like, it is you that they love. They want the best for you.
I understand that you do love this girl and I have no doubt that she loves you back. I think that she has to get her divorce finalized before she can commit to the relationship that the two of you have. The divorce is not yet settled and things can get very tricky in these situations. Some times the couple may want to reconcile and your heart can get broken.
I think that you guys should spend time apart (keep in mind that age is not the factor). Live separate lives for the time being. I say this because being apart from someone you love is one of the best ways to see if your love stands a chance.
I know that your family and friends want to help you, but sometimes you have to make decisions based on your happiness. If in fact you guys do want get back together then it is your decision and yours only. You gave to think what is more important, a life without her with but you are unhappy or a life with her and you are happy.
The ultimate way to really stick it to your family and friends is to stay in school and finish. I think that that is their main concern, that she might lead you astray from your school work and social life. You have to also be careful that she does not turn you into her husband. I am not saying that you can't love her kids, but you are a young man who needs his own life even if you guys get back together and you have to make that clear.
Talk to your family or a trusted family member (like your mom)and express your feelings. Try to at least let that family member understand your point of view, let that person know how this girl makes you feel. In the mean time, let your family know that you will try it their way for a certain amount of time(you choose the amount of time) and if that does not work, try it your way.
Good Luck and GOD Bless!!!!!! I am sure you will be fine!!!!!
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What a great question!
I can say I think its great that you are not only willing, but are fully aware of the responsibility that comes with dating a single parent. You are wise beyond most of your peers!
The possibilities here are endless...If you stay, who knows what can arise, wheres daddy? Is thier relationship really over? whats the hold up on the divorce? Have you met him? Who gives support financially? Does this woman make you want to try harder, for your own sake? The children may become attached very quickly-that alone is a blessing to a child however also a huge responsibility that you may not be ready for?
If you choose to go on with your life? Her choices may take her to where is supposed to be. Your going to school,creating your life as you know it.
I myself have been in love and had to end a relationship, I thought I was going to need pain meds because i hurt so bad- even if I was the one who broke it off.
The truth is every thing that happens in life is all to be learned from, so we can grow.
It isnt right or wrong to follow your heart.
I also think to follow what "socity says" would only cloud your own feelings and thoughts.
The best adive I can give is to go with your GUT, what are the facts? What are you willing or able to provide- on top of giving to your self?
And most Importantly friend, TAKE IT SLOW.
Good luck to you !
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Sometimes we can't help who we fall in love with. If you love her and want to be with her, then it's possible. But if the fact that she has two kids really bothers you and you don't HONESTLY think you can get past it, in love with her or not, you need to let her go. You don't want to start a life with someone and end up resenting the kids down the line. That will only hurt the kids and cause MAJOR problems between the two of you. Your hearts may ache for each other for a while, but you will both move on eventually. Otherwise, the heartache caused by not accepting her children could last for years, if not a life time.
I'm sure you have heard this from a thousand people, but, you are 18. You are so young. She's only 3 years older than you but she has experienced about 10 extra years of life. I had two babies when I was 21 and I know that matured me beyond 21. I think you are a mature 18 year old. I say that because you are asking for help and advice. Most 18 year guys think they have it all figured out when they really don't. So I just want you to think about this long and hard. This is your life. Your LIFE. You need to ask yourself what you really want out of your life before you make your decision.
I don't know if you have a faith or religion, but I highly recommend prayer. If you choose to, be specific and ask for help in making the right decision. I'll say a prayer for you too.
I hope all goes well.
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I would say both. You're 18 and your life is just beginning so being a 'stepfather' is too much right now! Your family has known you all your life, so they will always be honest and have your best interest at heart. Have you ever tried sitting down with them and talking seriously about all this? Your heart and head should both be put into this decision. Do you really love her? Like deep down, are you in love with her? Can you see a future with her? If you do, then I would say do for it. Life and love is about taking chances and going for what you want. I would be careful because her husband has to be out of the picture before you come in. It's not fair to you if she's still married to him. You deserve to have her committed to you and her children.
If, on the other hand, you are not ready for this commitment, that's okay too and don't feel bad about it. Being in college is going to be the best time of your life and full of oppurtunities, and girlfriend oppurtunities.
Whatever you decide, think really hard about it. Talk to everyone.. including your family, friends and this girl. Decide what YOU really want and what you're ready for. Good luck!
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In situations I always decide that going with the heart is best, but you can't allow your heart to blind you from the reality in front of you. I'm sure she is a great person and has beautiful children, but that is a situation that is not ideal for an 18 year old. It could also become unhealthy for you at some point. If you decide to be with her, you may end up subconsciously hating her and blaming her for "robbing" you of a life that you deserved. Honestly you are too young to take on her burdens...and yes that is what they are because the marriage and children are her own. Those things are something that you should have the opportunity to go through yourself someday when you are ready. You can not allow the decisions she has made for herself dictate the path of your own life. You are only 18 and though you feel she is great you will absolutely find someone else who is even better and more suited for you. You will be happy with someone else if you give yourself the chance. Its not really about society, I am thinking about you and your future. you are in college and will have amazing things ahead. Focus on school and girls will come. I do not think that this particular young lady is the one for you. She hasn't even completely ended her marriage before beginning a relationship with someone else so her life in really not in order at all. She will drag you down with stress and weight that you don't need as a18 year old college freshman. Trust me, it will be hard to leave her alone at first but with time you will be very glad that you did. You can do better than a married woman with kids who isn't on your path. Be realistic with yourself and what you are ready for and it will begin to get easier for you. Being an 18 year old step father will not keep your interest and you would have contemplated leaving regularly if you had stayed. It will be better for you to have a clean break and move on, Good Luck!!!
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