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to parent or adoption?
So I m 15 almost 16 and pregnant, my baby is due in late October early November. My boyfriend and I would like to stay together and raise our baby, and do the best we can we know it will be hard but we are up to it. He is a senior and graduating and taking over his dads company so money isn't an issue.
My parents are the issue, they don't like my boyfriend and think that if I have this baby and keep it then I will hand it off to them to raise. They want me to put the baby up for adoption. I think this would be very hard and I think I would regret it. What should I do? Im very confused on what I should do I don't know if I should just give the baby up for adoption or try to talk to my parents more about keeping it.
My parents always have said and still say that I am a smart enough girl to do anything I want and put my mind to but if I say I want to raise my baby and keep it they say i can't? Why are they going against what they have always said?
Also is there any way to get this pregnancy off my mind? I feel like everything I do I start thinking about the arguments at home and just being pregnant it keeps distracting me when Im at school and work and even when Im at home trying to fall asleep my mind just keeps wandering...
Sorry its long but just need help.
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im not going to be mean but you are young and it is hard to take care of a child you have to have your owm place a care a good job and a good husband dont you want to graduate and go to college and have a good career when you have the baby you not going to have time for your self and for friends any more you should give the baby to the family becauser men dont stick around when thier that young wate util your stable to have childern ok and get on birth control grow up be a women be a lady make somthing of your life your not old enough to make the right chioces but since you in the mess you have to you have to take the baby to the doctors evry week dipers are exspensive some girls still live with thier parents do you want to be that lonly girl not married with no life you can do better give that baby to family that cANT GIVE KIDS THAT WILL BEABLE TO SUPPORT IT HOLE LIfe some time you have to give up on thing i was 2o years old when i had my daughte i had to give my daughter to family cause i stoped and thinked what good for her and me I went to college i have my owm house now and mabee in 5 years i will have kids see you have lots a time in your life have fun instead of playing house cause you got lot to learn hope this sorry that i had to say that but i understand
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Dear Juno:
You and your parents may have had your life all mapped out but a baby certainly changes things. You have been afforded an opportunity to love and be loved unconditionally by another human being. While having a baby wasn't part of your original plan, you can still have everything that you've always wanted for your life. You may have to take a different route to get there or work a little harder but it's still very much there in front of you.
As for your parents, I suspect they are in panic mode. They'll come around eventually and offer you the support that you need.
The decision is yours. Don't let anyone pressure you into a decision that is not of your own volition. You may end up resenting whomever led you to that decision for the rest of your days.
If you choose to keep your baby, love him or her with all you've got. Get help when needed. Do the very best you can. Everything will be all right.
Pete Peeves
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If you feel in your heart that you will regret giving your baby away, then you will. You know yourself, you know what you want, and if you want to keep this baby then do it.
First of all you need to understand that this will be YOUR baby. Hopefully your boyfriend will help you, but he will not be their all the time. You will. You have to feed the baby, burp the baby, clean the baby, change the baby's diapers, take care of the baby 24/7 when it cries, day or night. It's hard work and your parents may feel you aren't ready for the responsibility. You need to decide if you are.
You are fifteen, so of course you are going to need help raising your baby, and your parents know that. This is probably why they don't want you to keep him or her. You have to see the situation from their point of view. They feel they have pretty much raised their kids, and do not want to raise another. This is understandable, but you need to explain to them that you understand that this is your baby, and you are going to be the one to take care of it.
You also need to remember that you are just fifteen. There is no way of knowing if you and your boyfriend are going to stay together. I am not in the least saying you won't, but just that you need to consider what you would do if you no longer had him, or his financial aid he will be giving. You'll need to get a job.
Anyways, of course you are thinking about your baby and the fact that you are pregnant. Jeesh, if I was pregnant I would be thinking about it every hour of the day. It's normal I'm sure. Just remember you need to stay focused at school. You want to get good grades so you can go to college and get a good career as soon as possible.
Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you and your family.
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Well i would talk to your boyfriend, if he wants to be with you and help you raise it then try to show your parents that he is really a great guy, and that you think that you can take care of it. But if you want to get somewhere, then i would put the baby up for adoption, you can find parents that do open adoptions where you can still be a part of your childs life but you are not the one raising them. Or you can have a closed adoption where you dont speak to the parents or the child. But if keeping the baby is what you want to do, sit down with your parents and tell them how you feel about keeping the baby, and how you will need their help but your not just going to give the baby to them. Just try to do anything to keep your mind off of it, sooner or later it will get better so there is no reason to worry about it just be happy =] Well i hope i helped and if you need any more advice just go to my column and ask. Hope i helped =] Good luck!
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I think you would regret giving your baby up. If your boyfriend is doing the right thing and money wont be an issue then i would say go for it. A child is a wonderful gift! I am a mother, and i fell pregnant at 17 and i wouldnt change anything!!
People say you have your whole life ahead of you to have kids... Well i say you have your whole life ahead of you to have a career and further your education. You're having a child RIGHT NOW. Its a magical time and people should be supporting you. I guess your parents would be shocked at having their 15 year old daughter pregnant but once they see their grandchild in the flesh their whole world will change and they'll love it like their own.
DO NOT let anyone force you to give up this child, because you will regret it!
As soon as you begin to accept and embrace your pregnancy you will start to feel better about it.
Good luck. Im also due in October with my second child.
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I think your best bet might be an adoption, You are still young and you have your whole life ahead of you. When people have a baby it changes EVERYTHING and everything is about the baby. If you ever decide to go to college remember you are still going to have that kid to take care of. Babies are hard work. They cry and they are up half the night, then you got diapers, crib, formula, clothes, car seat, toys, medical bills, etc. If you have a baby it is YOU and your boyfriends responsibility to take care of that child. Even though you say right now that money isn't an issue you need to have a plan B because sometimes plan A doesn't always go as you planned it. If your parents are telling you that you should give it up for an adoption then I'm sure they aren't telling you this to be mean, I'm sure they have a good reason for it. A baby is also not a puppy...You make it, You bring it in this world then you have that baby forever. Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck
-Bahaima22
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I think you should do whatever you think is right. This is where YOUR family starts, so you and your boyfriend make the decisions for that. And from the sounds of it, it sounds like you and your boyfriend have a good relationship and he seems mature enough to handle it. I suggest you talk to your parents more. So what if they don't like your boyfriend, they LOVE you and they will LOVE their grandchild, there is no doubt about that. If you want to keep this baby and they don't want you to because they think you will hand him or her off to them, then prove them wrong!
Now is a time to start proving to your parents that you are mature enough to handle this. Start looking into jobs if you don't already have one. Prove to them that you can do this!
Good luck, hope this helps
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They tell you you can do whatever you want as long as you work really hard at it, then you do that.
Sounds to me you've already made your mind up. You want to keep your baby, then you keep your baby. You already have it set in your mind that you'll regret giving him/her away. Don't let your parents make you make a decision that you don't want to do in the first place AND something you will regret for your WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.
Life is throwing curve balls at us ALL the time. You can't give away all your curve balls...
As far as stress goes, your mom and dad should know better! You need to sit them down and tell them this: Look, I'm having a baby. I messed up, but now I have to face the consequences and I'm willing to do so. Tell them you want to take care of this baby after its born, but in order to do so, ya gotta keep your self healthy AND SANE and stress free, and they need to chill out and face the facts. What's done is done. No point in making it harder that what it already is.
Hope everything goes well.
Just remind your parents that they still are your parents...and their job is to support you and be there no matter what.
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I think you should keep your child. As you said, if you do not then you will regret it. Feeling that you will regret something long before you do it is a big sign that it isn't the wisest choice. Many women will say they will "never" have an abortion but one day wind up doing it--only to feel regret for their actions and wish they could take them back. I know you are not aborting (thank God someone has a brain!) but the same applies--you would be upset if you did it...so when you do it, you will regret it and when you hadn't.
Sit down and figure out what you are going to do once the baby comes. Are you going to complete high school or get your GED? If so, write that down. If you are going to completely high school then write down where the baby is going to be during classes, who is going to take care of it, etc. Do not list anyone down as taking care of the child before you have discussed it with them. If it's a daycare center then list out that you'll be getting a job (even write down where you will be applying) and about how much that job pays. Figure it out.
This entire exercise is to prepare you for adulthood in a matter of hours, if not days (it may take days to complete by the time you're done with calling around and whatnot). Set your entire life up. Try to center things around your own life--trying to NOT include your boyfriend if at all possible unless you two are getting married.
You don't want to include the boyfriend in things like this because your parents are probably thinking that he isn't going to be around much longer anyway. Your boyfriend may take it as an insult but, in the end, this is YOUR exercise you are doing. (He should be doing his own, by the way). If your boyfriend is going to be tending to the baby while, say, you are in classes then it's okay to mark that down.
So, once you have the entire thing explained then you need to bring it to your parents. Show them your paper and tell them that these are your current thoughts on the subject. Don't make everything set-in-stone in case your parents have questions that you haven't addressed yet. If they bring a question to the table that you have yet to think over then ask for time before answering--even if it feels like it's a simple answer. This is the rest of your life we're talking about.
A job is pretty much required at this point. If at all possible, pick up a job while pregnant and save that money (most women work through their entire pregnancy up until the last month or so). If you don't have a job then you're not going to be able to explain where baby items are going to come from (clothing, shoes, diapers, bottles and formula is you're not going to breastfeed--which you definately should breastfeed for the health of you and your baby & it saves much-needed money--etc.) and your parents are going to assume you'll be mooching off of them entirely.
Some things you should do:
Open a bank account and put your money into it to keep better track of finances.
Make sure to determine which doctor/hospital you would take the baby to in case of an emergency or illness.
Call everyone you need to before listing them on the paper (including daycare centers for fee pricing).
Confront you parents in a non-aggressive way. Simply sit down with them and your paper(s) and say, "I was thinking for this past week and this is what I've come up with. I know it isn't much and I know there are holes here and there...but I really think I can do this."
Everything feels like a big mess right now, I know, but things will settle down eventually. You can't really "forget" about being pregnant but it helps to look forward to the baby coming. It might ease your mind to figure out where the baby will sleep and read some books about pregnancy. Some good books you might want to check out from the library (or purchase online if available):
What to Expect When You're Expecting
The Pregnancy Book
Your Pregnancy & Newborn Journey: A Guide for Pregnant Teens
The Breastfeeding Book: Everything You Need to Know About Nursing Your Child from Birth Through Weaning
The Nursing Mother's Companion
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding
The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers
The Breastfeeding Answer Book
The Breastfeeding Book
The Breastfeeding Cafe
Our Bodies, Ourselves: Pregnancy & Birth
The Official Lamaze Guide
Easing Labor Pain
Birthing from Within
Laughter & Tears: The Emotional Life of a New Mother
Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth
The Baby Book
By reading LOTS of books on pregnancy, breastfeeding, delivery, etc then you are preparing in multiple ways. You can look forward to things the books talk about. Instead of being frustrated, scared, and confused you will feel more at ease and happy to be experiencing all that is ahead. Your parents will also notice your take-up of the books, which may earn you a few brownie points.
The more books you pick up (even if they repeat things you've already read or don't sound as interesting) the more you're going to feel better about this entire thing. Educate yourself on EVERYTHING :)
Hang in there. This takes a lot of work but you can do it! If you have any more questions please feel free to ask me! :)
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I saw this on a show one time when a unwed teen had to make the same decision.
The host said for her to lay her decisions out.
1. Abortion
2. Keeping the baby and marrying the dad
3. Keeping the baby and not marrying the dad
4. Giving the baby up for adoption
Narrow the choices to what is acceptable. Looking at your notes, #2 and #4 seems to be the two choices you are considering.
Now, spend a week living and thinking as if you made choice 2. Then spend a week living and thinking as if you made choice 4.
Which one are you more 'at peace' with - I know each option has it's pros/cons, but which 'fits' you better.
Also- the father can still help support the child without marrying you, should you decide to raise it outside of marriage ... what support is his parents able/willing to offer since your parents want to be 'grandparents' not 'parents' again?
You parents have set limits around what they are willing to do, and that is their prerogative. But you can't let them push/pressure you into a decision you could not forgive them for.
If you decide to marry, and it doesn't work out, then you did at least try to do what you thought was the best decision at the time you made it. You may regret the failure of a marriage, but I would think it would be harder to regret giving up a child because you wanted to please your parents.
As far as the worry ... welcome to motherhood! At the same time, once you made a decision you can release a lot of what you are concerned with.
I also advise if you begin a marriage and motherhood at the same time ... go into counseling together RIGHT AWAY. In fact, start it now if you can. Think of it as part of your support system.
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I say don't do it. I do go agenst sex before marriage but you are past that point. And I say don’t because giving away your baby will be harder than raising it. Every day you will think back and regret that decision. And if you look from the bibles point then to do that would be wrong. So I looked it up in my sdrom for Jehovah’s Witnesses and I found a number of thing take a look.
*** g90 5/8 pp. 25-27 Teen Pregnancy—What Should a Girl Do? ***
Young People Ask . . .
Teen Pregnancy—What Should a Girl Do?
Teen pregnancy and abortion are problems of global dimensions. And while the majority of our readers are Christian youths who wisely abstain from premarital sex, Awake! is also read by millions of individuals from diverse backgrounds. The following discussion is therefore designed to help any youth facing the dilemma of unwed parenthood, while at the same time highlighting the tragic consequences that result from premarital sex.
“I WAS 15 and pregnant,” said Ann. “I didn’t know what to do—get an abortion, put the baby up for adoption, or what.” Ann was just one of over a million teenage girls in the United States who got pregnant that year.
While in a few tragic cases a girl becomes pregnant because of rape, teen pregnancy is usually the result of willing participation in premarital sex. In any event, a pregnancy confronts an unwed girl with several agonizing choices: Should she get married? Should she put the child up for adoption? Is abortion the answer? Granted, it takes two to make a baby, and by all rights the father of the child should carry his load of responsibility. (See box.) But more often than not, it is the girl (perhaps with her parents’ help) who is left to make those tough choices. And what she decides will have a lasting effect on the physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being of her and the child she carries.
‘Should We Get Married?’
Many might feel that marrying the father of the child would be the perfect solution. After all, it would spare the girl and her family public embarrassment, and it would allow for the child to be raised by two parents. But marriage is not a cure-all. For one thing, only godly repentance can right the wrong in the eyes of God. (Isaiah 1:16, 18) Furthermore, rushing into marriage could actually compound the girl’s problems. Since the boy and the girl are still in “the bloom of youth,” they simply may not have the emotional maturity needed to make a marriage work. (1 Corinthians 7:36) Likely the boy is not a true Christian and is thus unsuitable as a marriage mate.—1 Corinthians 7:39.
Dr. Arthur Elster further observes: “Premature parenthood frequently causes these fathers to drop out of school, and so places them at a considerable vocational disadvantage.” The ensuing economic difficulties can destroy a marriage. Indeed, some studies claim a divorce rate of from 50 percent to 75 percent among marriages precipitated by a premarital pregnancy!
Marriage is a serious step and should not be rushed into. (Hebrews 13:4) After giving the matter consideration, all concerned may agree that marriage would be unwise, that the girl would fare better raising the child at home with the assistance of her family than in a problem-ridden marriage.
Abortion—The Bible’s View
One young girl said: ‘I want to do so much with my life, and a baby wouldn’t fit in.’ Abortion is thus the choice of nearly half a million girls each year in the United States alone. But is it right or even just to abort a child’s life because it doesn’t ‘fit in’ with one’s personal plans?
Note what the Bible says at Exodus 21:22, 23 regarding the life of an unborn child: “And in case men should struggle with each other and they really hurt a pregnant woman and her children do come out but no fatal accident occurs, he is to have damages imposed upon him . . . But if a fatal accident should occur [to the mother or to the unborn child], then you must give soul for soul.” Yes, killing an unborn child was viewed as murder!
True, some doctors claim that an unborn child is merely a fetus, or fetal tissue—not a person. But God says otherwise. He views even an embryo as a distinct person, a living human! (Psalm 139:16) Could one abort an unborn life and remain in favor with God, who “gives to all persons life”?—Acts 17:25.
The book Growing Into Love offers another argument against abortion: “Although the consequences of conception are simplified by having an abortion, the experience of terminating a pregnancy is usually very upsetting and disturbing. . . . A teenager . . . may believe that the fetus is just that—a fetus . . . But no amount of legalistic explanations let her forget, deep within herself, that the fetus she conceived had a potential for life.”
One youth named Linda found this to be true. Fearing that having her baby would bring shame on her family, she had an abortion. After the operation, though, she recalls: “I started shaking so badly that I couldn’t control it. And I started crying, and all of a sudden it all hit me, exactly what I had done. I had taken the life of my unborn child, another human being!” What does Linda now think of abortion? “It was the worst mistake of my whole life.”
‘I Can’t Give Him the Best’
Some unwed mothers choose to give up their baby for adoption. They often feel like Heather, a girl quoted in Seventeen magazine, who said: “I have enough trouble handling myself sometimes, let alone a little baby. I’m really crazy about kids, and I love babies, but I knew that I couldn’t give this baby the best.”
It is true that giving a child up for adoption is better than ending his life by abortion. And admittedly, the prospect of raising an infant by herself may seem overwhelming to a young and inexperienced girl. As one unwed mother told Awake!: “You take on a big, big responsibility that’s very lonely and trying and that requires a lot of sacrifice.” Remember, though, that God holds a parent responsible to ‘provide for his or her own.’ (1 Timothy 5:8) In most circumstances, it would be best for the girl to raise the child herself.
Ann, mentioned at the outset, therefore made a wise choice—though not the easiest. “I decided to keep the baby,” she says. “My parents helped me and still do.” Granted, being a single mother is tough. But it is not impossible, and many young mothers become competent parents. Particularly is this so if the unwed mother prayerfully resolves to raise her child “in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah.” (Ephesians 6:4) Adoptive parents might be able to provide better materially. But will they provide the spiritual direction a child needs to grow up to love the true God, Jehovah?—Deuteronomy 6:4-8.
Remember, too, that while a single parent may not be able to give her child the best materially, she can give him something far more important: love. “Better is a dish of vegetables where there is love than a manger-fed bull [“the finest meat,” Today’s English Version] and hatred along with it.”—Proverbs 15:17.
Of course, much needless suffering can be prevented if one avoids the sin of fornication in the first place. But if a girl has erred in this regard, she need not conclude that her life is over. By acting wisely, she can avoid compounding her error and make the very best of her situation. Indeed, she can even obtain the help and support of God himself, who ‘forgives in a large way’ those who turn away from a wrong course.—Isaiah 55:7.
[Footnotes]
Sexual immorality is not tolerated among Jehovah’s Witnesses, just as it was not tolerated among Christians in the first century. (1 Corinthians 5:11-13) Nevertheless, erring ones can gain the assistance of loving congregation elders. (James 5:14, 15) By repenting of their wrong course of conduct, such ones can enjoy the forgiveness of both God and the Christian congregation.
Under the Mosaic Law, God required a man who had seduced a virgin to marry her. (Exodus 22:16, 17; Deuteronomy 22:28, 29) But that law served the needs of God’s people under the circumstances of that day and age. And even then, marriage was not automatic, as the father could forbid it.—See our companion journal The Watchtower, November 15, 1989, “Questions From Readers.”
Jehovah’s Witnesses have helped many families set up a program of regular Bible instruction. They can be contacted by writing to the publishers of this magazine.
See chapter 24 of the book Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work, published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York, Inc.
[Box on page 26]
Teen Pregnancy—The Consequences for Boys
Driven by fear—or selfish indifference—some boys who have fathered a child out of wedlock try to evade their responsibilities entirely. Said one boy whose girlfriend became pregnant: “I just told her, ‘See ya’ ’round.’”
Fortunately, the majority of boys seem to want at least some involvement with their offspring. When marriage seems inadvisable (as is often the case), most offer to help out financially. Some even offer to share in the day-to-day care of the infant. But such efforts often prove short-lived, foiled by the boy’s limited wage-earning ability and his acute lack of the patience and skills needed to meet the demands of a small infant.
Also, the girl’s parents sometimes bitterly oppose letting the boy have any further dealings with their daughter, fearing that this could result in more sexual misconduct—or a premature marriage. They may deny him any share in the decisions to be made regarding the child, perhaps forcing him to stand by helplessly as the child is aborted or put up for adoption, ending any chance of his ever sharing in the life of the child he has fathered. On the other hand, a boy may indeed be allowed to develop an attachment to his child—only to have that bond cruelly severed when the girl marries and another man takes over the role of father.
Unquestionably, then, unwed fathers also pay a price for their irresponsible conduct. One 16-year-old unwed father says: “There are a lot of feelings you just can’t deal with. It’s like you pray to get back to where you were before, but there’s no way you can.”—“’Teen” magazine, November 1984.
I hope you find in hear what you’re looking for. If not you can get more information at www.watchtower.org Hope IV helped.
Mr-Fix-It
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About what your parents say, they aren't saying that you aren't smart enough necessarily, just that you are still young and that you can't really take care of a baby and go to school and hold down a job without having to have someone take care of it, and they don't want to be that person. They want to keep their lives. It isn't that they don't care or that they don't love you or the baby if you have it, but they want you to be able to live your life, and they already raised you, raising another child isn't on their list of things to do. They can't make you adopt the baby out, it is up to you, but you can't just keep it because you want to. How often will you be home, be able to take care of the baby? How much attention and love will you be able to give it? If you can't give the baby a happy home and family, keeping it may not be the smartest choice. Another thing, your boyfriend may have money, but you are still too young to marry him or move out with him, unless you have parent concent. So that WOULD be up to them.
As for getting the pregnancy out of your mind, I'm sorry to say that you probably can't. This is a big deal and it isn't something that should leave your mind. Responsibily for another life can do that for you... I hope that I helped... the best of luck to you and your boyfriend. I hope everything works out.
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