|
marriagr/step daughter
My wife and I had been married for over four years.
I have ADD and high anxiety which I'm not taking medication for.
I had a pretty good paying job but was laid off early 1n 2007.
My eyes started giving me problems before the lay off but I did get them checked out while I still had insurance.
Found out this year that both of my eyes have cataracts. I've attempted working at three jobs but my eye sight prevented me from passing the probationary period.
Here's my issue. I had a step daughter that had always found a ways into getting into trouble. Everything you asked her not to do, she went ahead and done. The computer she would stay on Instant messaging, My spacing all her friends till early morning.
I gave her so many chances but she proved to me she didn't care.
Her mother and I constantly fought about her because every time I tried to lay the Law down, the discipline was always to severe.
Even if it was just a few weeks without the computer.
Then she started on the phone..the same thing.
My wifes daughter wouldn't barely do any thing in the house.
And after her mother and I told her we expected more from her since she was 16, like washing clothes, doing the dishes...she made sure she washed only her stuff when begged, ( and if she washed three loads of clothes, it would take over three days and then you'd never find them put away) until I got so tired and fed up with her and the way me and her mother fought all of the time because how she ran the house, I made her move out when she turned 18 and graduated.
My step daughters every other word was profanity, and I don't think that she once told her mother or me the truth.
And Lord if you found her in a lie ( which was always ) she would cover it up with another one. She never admitted to anything she done. From bringing guys over when her mother and I were gone, to finding a ways to explain why she messed around with her best friends boyfriend.
Well, My father and mother passed away with cancer. And I made sure that no body smoked in the house. My wife and I don't smoke.
My wife invited her brother over ( or he invited his self ) and in both houses we used to live in, he smoked in each one, not caring.
And my wife let him and to this day, if he wanted to visit...I'm sure the same thing would have happened.
Well again, on Christmas eve of 2007, her daughter wanted to spend the night with us, to be there on Christmas. She smoked.
When I went down to visit my family in Alabama, mysteriously as it sounds, my wife let her daughter move back in knowing full well we never got along. Knowing full well her daughter never listened to one rule of the house, never helped out.
Then one day out of the many fights that broke out in the few months her daughter stayed there, my wife asked me to leave. And I did.
Amy, was I asking to much? Showing respect seems to be a thing of the past in today's society, but the way my wife handled each situation, and the way her daughter and her whispered and told there secrets, was it fair or justified at the way things were handled?
It seems as though the many things I accused her daughter of doing, my wife finally told me that yes, she did smoke pot, yes she was smoking in every room in the house when she ( her mother ) was in the hospital, yes, she fooled around with boys when we weren't there.
But instead of digging in deep and finally sticking up to her guns
and giving discipline to her daughter, it was easier to let me go.
What are the parameters of a marriage? Just because a person has children, does that erase the morality or any since of any opinion I may have had? I love her mother very much, but would I be asking for more heart ache if I tried pursuing this marriage. I don't want to walk away from this marriage. To me I think the Lord gave her to me, I'll get counseling and change anything I can.
But if I'm going to be the only one who'll attempt to change, will
this be visible?
Thank you
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First off, thank you for putting yourself out there and asking for help, not many guys do these days; they just cut and run. Secondly, While I'm a mature man in a serious relationship, I have no kids so the only angle I can pull from (and probably the better choice in this case) is that of a son.
There's the growing-up issue. My dad COMMANDED respect when I was little and I agreed with it(now AND back then). But as I grew up I began to see my dad's faults. And I reasoned to myself; "If he doesn't do this, why should I?" Or; "I should do this cuz he SAYS, but other than that, there's no substantial reason so I wont." etc. As much as my dad pissed me off when I was a teen I still loved him. And I still do.
And then there's the step-daughter issue. That shouldn't matter but it probably does. Mom's opinion (and correct me if I'm wrong) probably matters more than yours. Therefore, if MOM doesn't listen to you, why should she?
Which brings us to the marital issue. The bible says "A house divided unto itself cannot stand" I wish I could take credit for that line, but I can't. But it's still true. If mom and dad fight, kids fight. Kids (even teenagers who "make their own decisions") take their cues from mom and dad.
Being a rebellious teen aside, coming from a broken home is rough. Growing up, learning, being responsible, social issues, those all come with age and practice. Learning how to love comes from the family, and if its a broken home she has as an example, she'll have a tough time at it.
Our job (as adults) is to teach and have patience with those that are younger than us. Teens (and young adults) have a tough time being open with their elders, that's just the way it is. Maybe she can't forgive you yet, maybe she can't forgive mom yet, and you're just collateral damage. Maybe she can't forgive her biological father and she's taking it out on you, I don't know. What I do know is if you forgive her for being less than perfect, and love her for who she is, and love her long enough, she'll see it, and come around. As far as the cigarettes go, whats more important in life, a house or the people that are in it? I hate it when people wreck my stuff too; I paid for it, but hey, it's just stuff.
It's not the house you care about though is it? It's the lack of respect. On that note, I have a recommendation for you: A book called
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs. and it's by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Good luck, I'm praying for you
-Evan
]
Put yourself in your wifes shoes. It's her daughter, and she's going to be willing to do anything for her because she probably feels she'll lose her if she doesn't. Now I understand that you don't get along with her, but honestly? Get over it and try to bond with her. But personally, I think that your main concern right now is getting your cateracts removed, getting a job, and working on your marriage, and THEN you can work on your relationship with your step-daughter.
]
hat you should do is get a long with your step daughter and have a great bond with hjer and let her see that she can trust you and then try to build up your marriage.
]
Reading your story, it seems to me that your differences with your step daughter are the least of your problems. I think your issues with your eyes, your unemployment status and your marriage should be top priority in your life now. You also mentioned that you have issues with ADD and anxiety; perhaps these issues have played a role in how you go about resolving conflicts in all facets of your life and in this situation your marriage. Contrary to popular belief; children, (step, adopted or biological) are never the causes of problems in their parents’ marriage. The primary cause of conflict in marriage is a gap and a lack of compromise in values and beliefs. So in this case, while you feel very strongly about your step daughter smoking in the house and other aspects of her life style, it doesn’t sound like your wife minds as much, hence the problem is not with your step daughter, but the values you and your wife don’t share. I would suggest individual counseling for you to address your issues with ADD and anxiety, and inviting just your wife for marriage counseling.
Good luck.
]
Yo.
As sen on many TV shows, Step families can be rough. this is not nesicarily true, but in most cases it kinda is. Counceling is a good idea because the internet cant help with everything. Your stepdaughter needs to be disciplined, meaning you and her mother might need to sit down and have a long, serious talk with her. But before you go blaming everything on her, you might want to think about how she is feeling. Take a walk in her shoes. What do you think that she feels every time she goes and smokes? Or has boys over when you and her mother arent home? You are obviosuly her step dad, so she may miss her other dad and be depressed and she does all these things like smoke and act like a jerk but it might be because she is sad and feels alone. Maybe there is something going on at school. Possibly high school girl drama. You and her mother should discuss this with her to see why she does all these things. [Back to the stern talk] Maybe you should try to help her and help get her life back on track so that she can move on and get her own house. Maybe you and your step daughter could consider counciling. But what you should do first is talk to her mother. Tell her how you feel and give her ideas on how to discipline her daughter. You dont talk to your stepdaughter until you have spoken with her mother. When you have the long talk with her, you should discuss reasons why you are so frustrated with her (your step daughter). Tell them both how you feel, and them give them both a chance to talk. Don't raise your voice a lot and try to keep your cool. This will make the convorsation a lot calmer and will most likely make it shorter. If you are calm about it then your stepdaughter and her mother will be calmer too. If you are currently having counceling now, keep it up. Counclers are usually a big help in problems like this.
Hope I helped && good luck
-Yoliv =]
]
I know exactly what you mean when you say you don't want to go on despising your step daughter. When you said that respect doesn't seem to matter anymore, you were completely on. It took me a long time to understand that in my relationship with my step father. He was always saying how he deserved respect from me and that I didn't ever give it to him. I would always just ignore him. It didn't seem like he deserved it, always telling me what to do and never giving me respect. Every time he and my mother fought over how he was using too strict of discipline I would always take her side and hate that they fought over me. But then when my mother started staying at other people's house, my dad (I call my step father dad, so that you don't get confused.) and I began to talk. He was tired of yelling, not getting along, and never getting anything out of any of it. I was tired of him yelling at me and always demanding things. We both realized that it wasn't either one of our faults, but both. I don't know if I bored you with my long explanation, but what I was trying to get across is that you and your step daughter need to sit down and talk out your differences. No mother, no yelling, no demanding or interrupting. Take turns listening, takes turns explaining. No blaming, only apologies. Your wife can't take you and your daughter's disagreements and she can't be stuck in the middle. Your step daughter doesn't understand where you are coming from and you don't understand why she can't just listen. Although she is 20 and well past the age of being stuck in the house, she should still respect you. If that isn't happening, you have to learn to take control. Don't force control, but take it. Whenever she chooses to defy your rules, say that you respect that she has her own ways of thinking, but that you would like if she could smoke outside or a little ways away from the house. That it makes you uncomfortable. I can't tell you if fighting for this marriage is a good or bad thing, only you can. But if you love your wife (which I know you do), I say it would be worth it. You need to talk to her and tell her that you are willing to work with her and your step daughter and find a half way point. Tell her that you are sorry for all your differences and wish that you two could just start over and try to find ways around your differences. Maybe you could get past the smoking thing, although you have a very very good reason for hating it, others do it, and they HATE when people tell them not to. Maybe make one room or area where people, when they come over to your house, can smoke without bothering you so much. At our house it's the garage or on the back porch. The most important thing is to not let people tell you you are wrong. You had all rights to ask for respect, and for all the things your step daughter did, to stop. But if you are willing to give in a little, maybe they will. Try to compromise with them, or the counseling sounds good. I don't know what else to say, so I hope that helped. Good luck with anything and everything you are up against in the future.
]
OK. Your wife's daughter OBVIOUSLY needs to move the HECK up outta your crib! Tell her that if seh wont listen then she needs to leave and stay out until she can have MANNERS and EDICUT and LISTEN! Don't listen to what she has to say because it needs to be the other way around.
]
My best answer and yes I was married once to a women and had 4 stepchildren. I am married again and have my own kids. Without going into a WHOLE bunch of detail, both her sons ended in jail, one for murder and the other for armed robbery. The two girls, one left at the age of 16 to live with a guy in his 30s and the other had a baby at 17. I tried my damnedest to be a good dad and support them but obviously they wouldn't have any of that. It all boiled down to the wife thought I was being to controlling and restrictive. It was much of her fault, because I was the only one trying to instill some discipline in her kids lives. What I later learned, years later after a divorce is that I married her and her children. Meaning that if I couldn't accept the way things were going I should have left. There's nothing holding you down. Yes, you can find reason in the bible to divorce. Heck I once walked in on her having sex with another man but yet I stuck with her, because I didn't want to disappoint God. Although I beat her and her sex partner to inch of their lives and spent a few days in jail, the truth is, the bible says that you can divorce your wife when she is unfaithful. It was obviously too much stress for me to handle so I feel your pain. God is not going to strike you down for leaving this woman. She's still going to be doing the same thing even when you are gone. Remember, it takes two to make a marriage work and if she is not pulling her weight then you are wasting your time even trying. I tried the counseling thing and it worked for awhile but I was on outsider, like you are.
My best and sincere advice and you can take it or leave it, is to get out while you are still young enough, stick to yourself awhile, hangout with your male friends, leave the dishes piled up, have a few beers and date younger women. That's what I did and I couldn't be happier! My wife now, is 23 and I could have asked for a better woman!
]
Stepchildren, particularly female steps try expecially hard to break up a marriage. I was engaged to a man with custody of his son and daughter. We had serious problems, like his drinking and cheating but he changed that. What we could not overcome was the daughter constantly causing problems between us. Bottom line is you can change she can change but her kids have no interest in not damaging your marriage, on the contrary. If your wife lets her be part of the problem she will never change.
]
Well from my perspective, I think that you know in your heart that as for another person, they won't change unless they want to. You can't change her. And your going to counciling, isn't going to fix HER problem. I understand that you wanna make things work, but you need to realize that no matter how old, you CAN find a better marrigae. God may have had you find her for a reason, but I don't belive that he truly hates us to put somebody through that. He has goivin you the gift of life. us it. Good-Luck!!!
]
Something you all have to start doing is respecting one another. Your wife has to respect you by seeing to it that your wishes DO matter. Your step daughter needs to respect your home.
You have to respect your wife by not criticizing her parenting skills (we all make mistakes), and you have to respect that all of the fights about your step daughter most likely has a lot to do with her disrespect for you.
And because the girl has been the topic for several heated debates (she's not stupid, she knows) you should apologize for that. Yah, she surely owes you an apology, too, but don't get hurt if you don't get one. Because you are right- you can only do so much on your end, but making that step to say your sorry is the right thing to do.
I fully understand why you don't want smoke in the home. Is it really worth fighting over? No. It's not.
Remember that there is no bond like the bond between mother and child. Encourage that bond, don't discourage it.
ygs-29/f
]
I just wanted to add that it takes a very, very long time for teen girls to get used to stepdads. I have a stepdad, and he's there for me more than my biological dad. I love my stepdad, and I know that he has good intentions. Your stepdaughter might use the reason that you're not her real dad as to why she doesn't listen to you. I know you might think that 'Oh, well, she should already know by now,' but it's very unusual having a man coming into your life, and taking the place as the father figure. My stepdad and I do not have much in common, so it might be a little easier for teen guys to get comfortable and associated with their new stepdads [same interests in sports, movies, cars, ect.] I'm only 15, and I know that I cannot give advice as compared to a.. 26 year old for example. Your wife will probably almost always take the side of your daughter in some situations [like how she let her move back in], because that's the way that it is. It's maternal instinct. It's hard to explain, but I think you understand what I mean.
Sorry if that didn't help, I just thought that I'd add in my 2 cents.
]
The first responsibility, and moral obligation, of any parent it to their child. It is their job to parent the child, even as they become an adult, to the best of their ability. They might make colossal mistakes. It certainly sounds to me as though your wife has made some serious blunders as a parent, but this girl is still, and will always be, her number one priority and obligation.
She will do her best for this child, and although you might disagree with what is best, you absolutely must respect her for that intention or you wont get anywhere on this issue.
Please don't think I am coming down hard on you. If I were giving advice to your wife or your daughter I would have some very harsh things to say, but their failure does not in my eyes, make your perception of the problems here perfect.
You've gone through a lot in the past year; no doubt it has stressed, disappointed and probably depressed you. However, it has also given you a warped perception of this issue. Although your rules and requirements from this teenage girl were perfectly reasonable, your response to her failure to abide by them is not.
She is 18 now, if I have assumed correctly? Although it is a serious problem that she broke your rules, that her mother enabled her, that she is disrespectful and inconsiderate, these are NOT valid reason for her to be forbidden from living with her mother. The only reason a child’s behavior should warrant that, is if the child is a threat to another family member. That is at least one crime, you don’t accuse her of.
If you, as the adult, couldn’t not remain civil with her, the child, it was correct that you left.
You are beginning to hate, to fight and allow this to snowball completely out of control and consume your marriage. As the adult in the situation, you need to stop that. Even if the other adult, your wife, doesn’t realize she has the same obligation, it does not change your obligation to at least attempt to be the tolerant, and respectful adult, even in the face of failure and disrespect.
Seek counseling for yourself, for your grief and your depression, so that you can get a more balanced vision of what is happening here and approach the problems without contempt or hate in your heart.
I don't, for a moment, suggest you move back in with these two. I absolutely accept your opinion that the teen is troubled and that the mother is not disciplining her well, but the anger and judgment in this question is so thick that I can’t believe for a moment that your responses to them in person are not laced with even more anger and contempt. You have become part of the problem, not the solution. That pain is your own personal problem and you need to deal with it or whether this marriage ends or not, you will be miserable.
Encourage them to seek counseling as well. Encourage them both to recognize their responsibilities in this situation. Encourage your wife to seek a parent coach and to realize what she things are ‘best’, might not be.
In all of this: encourage. Respect good intentions, and forgive failure. That way, even if through your own counseling and soul-searching, you need to leave this marriage, you can do with a clear conscience, knowing you behaved to both mother and child with love, respect and tolerance.
Be the hero here. Get counseling for your own sake, and give them the best that you have for as long as you can. If you truly have been pushed so far that you have nothing else to give but dissapointment and contempt, just walk away now.
]
More Questions: |