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Death of a friend, and it's all my fault.
I found out yesterday that a good friend of mine was killed at a party. Someone had slipped ecstasy in her drink and then she was brutally raped while she was passed out. I feel like this is all my fault. The reason being is because I always went to parties with her and I would always tell her "Beck, don't drink at parties". She'd always yell at me and tell me that I acted like her mother. But I knew I was right, I don't trust the drinks that people hand out at parties. The guy that raped her was my ex-boyfriend. I still feel like this was all my fault because, had I been there, he wouldn't have done anything to her because he's afraid of me. I'm sure by now you're all probably thinking "This is a load of bull" but believe it. This actually happens to people. She was my best friend. I knew I should have gone with her to that party. I'm completely miserable right now. She was my best friend. I always figured that nothing like that could ever hit so close to home. I'd always see stories like this on the news and I'd think to myself "How could they be so stupid?" Or, "That would never happen where I live." But it has. I don't know how to handle this. My ex boyfriend was arrested and my friends family is waiting to go to court but in the time being, I don't know how to handle myself. I don't even have the courage to go to her funeral tomorrow. I need help getting through this. Please help me... Thank you for those who take this seriously. I would really also like a non-sarcastic answer because this is a touchy subject for me. Thank you.
I apologize for the length.
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You have no right to call it your fault, no part of it was your fault at all.. it happened.. even if you were there she probably would have taken the drink, and probably would have been raped... im sorry to say that these things happen.. all i can offer is that you might even have been pressured into taking the drink also, and been raped and killed.. you really cant stop these sorts of things at parties.. it is NOT your fault.. i urge you to go to the funeral.. talk about how good of a friend she was.. and how close you too were etc.. it will make you feel a whole lot better.. just dont bring up the fact that you think it is your fault because it is not!
hope this helps...
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I know how you feel. I talked a friend into going to a party with me even though just the two of us were supposed to hang out. Well she ended up drinking and driving home... before you know it she's gotten into a car accident and passed away. I blamed myself for the longest time, I hated myself so much because less than a month later would've been her 18th birthday and I felt it was my fault that she wouldn't experienec adulthood. I ended up talking to a teacher about it, and that teacher was a LOT of help, and she made me realize that even though what we were doing was wrong it wasn't our fault. You should find somebody that you can trust to talk to. It's really really hard to deal with death, especially when it's someone you're really close with. Recently there was a death at our school, a boy who I barely knew OD'd, a few kids I knew had been there and were really broken up about it, you need to realize that it wasn't your fault. People should know that when they go to parties that unless they're the person opening the drink, and unless their eyes are on it at ALL times, not even letting a second pass, then they should NOT drink ANYTHING at a party. I hate it when people tell me that they know how I feel because most likely they don't, but I do know how you feel, I went through something similar, and it was in late Sept. early Oct. Yeah, not too long ago. It's REALLY hard to deal, but you need someone you are able to talk to, someone to help you realize it wasn't your fault. Going to the funeral will really help, it will help a lot. You should go. If you haven't noticed, the parents don't blame you, because you didn't do anything. Did you force her to go to the party? Did you drag her there? Did you put the extacy in her drink? Did you force it down her throat? After she passed out did you rape her? NO NO NO NO No you didn't!!!!!!!! You don't want to hear it now, but eventually you'll have to say this out loud to get over it. It was the boys fault for raping her and giving her the drug, it was her fault for allowing herself to go to the party and her fault for drinking something at a party where there were drugs and alcohol, and it was her fault for not watching her drink at all times. I know you don't want to hear that it was partially her fault, but you need to hear it. It took me a while to say out loud that it was my friends fault for driving home drunk instead of taking a taxi like the rest of us, but eventually you NEED to say it. This was not your fault. For all you know your ex would have done this with or without you there. DON'T BLAME YOURSELF!!! I'm sorry for not being much more help, but please drop one in the inbox any time you need anything. Or you can e-mail me at either of these adresses. Maniac_Munchkin@yahoo.com or Bull_Dawg_Babii@yahoo.com I check the maniac one more though. Anything you need, feel free to ask!!!!! *~*~Kate~*~*
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i'm SOO sorry for your loss. i kno exactly what you feel like right now ..last year a friend of mine was killed in an ATV accident and no one ever expected something so bad to happen where we live. and also i would go to her funeral because it's a once in a lifetime thing .. and if you were her best friend i think she'd want you to go no matter how hard it is. my best friend also lost her dad this past year and her lil sister was too tramatized/sad to go and now shes regreting not goin to it. so definatly go but i'm soo sorry and the best thing to do is think that she's in a better place now watching over you. <3jazz
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Awwwww! Hunnie, I just wanna say I am really sorry for your loss. I know how this is. People don't realize that those things can happen, because they live in a "nice neighborhood." and vice versa. Anyways, this isn't your fault, because you've warned her millions of times, and she didn't listen. Hey, accept the fact that at least you care enough about her to do these things and to warn her about it. I'm sorry she was raped, and killed, but things like this happen. You cannot take responsibility for warning her, and her not listening to you. You're right, and she was wrong for not listening to you. I'm so sorry this happened, but there is no way I can help, because, again, you warned her and she chose not to listen. Again, it's not your fault. Don't take responsibility for it.
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Tina
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O.K- Go to her funeral tomorrow because it will help you. I'm so sorry about your loss. It's not your fault, Hun. It really sin't. You can't say you didn't warn her. Because you told her not to drink at parties and it's no ones fault but her own. Don't worry. I know how it is to lose someone close to you forever. Trust me. It's really O.K. You need to go to her funeral. If you did, it would show that you really care about her and you love her and honnor her. Not honoring her death but honoring her as a person. I'm really sorry about her death. It was her fault. Don't trust people who give out drinks because they do nothing but evil stupid crap and that's what scares me. I never thought I'd have to answer a question like this. I am so close to crying. I am so sorry. I would never have a sarcastic remark. Sorry my answer is so long but I can't help it. LOL. I hope you decide to go to her funeral. O.K? XOXO Good luck!
~~~Kayla~~~
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I know the pain you are feeling like no other. My mom died of date rape. I felt as if i had killed her for schedualing the teacher parent conference. (Scary to believe the horror that my tearcher was the villian)I didn't care if I stayed sinking into the bed forever. I didn't care about my school work, and soon my grades began to slip. Then I thought, "would my mom want to see me wasting away and ruining my life?"
No. She wouldn't want to see me acting so rash and blaming myself for something I couldn't control. Something not a single person can TRULY control...just like your friend. Life rolls fastly outside of the gates to your life. The traffic blurrs as you step out and see that every one is alone in your life. Yes, are surounded by the warmth of love from every one around you...but every one is out for themselves. You cannot blame yourslef for the death of your best friend. I could not imagine losing one of my best friends agian like my mother. You must awaken to the morning sun shinnign around you. The moon and stars my have desended around your friend, but it is still day light for you. You must live on and forgive youself, your friend, and even your ex boy friend, apologise to him for being such an evil person. You must feel pround and live on.
sorry for the length
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I'm sooo sorry about this, it cant be easy handling this!! Just remember, everything happens for a reason, and you tried your best to protect your friend from this, but its just too bad it never paid off. If any of this was your fault, wouldnt you be on trial also? Go to the funeral, its going to be verrry sad, but I bet your friend would be very disapointed if you didnt go. Don't be afraid to cry, but remember to smile about all the great times you had together. =)Hope I helped, and best of luck!! ♥ Julia
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First off, BIG HUG! Sweetheart this is not your fault. I know all the "oh no it's not your fault" platitudes that people will tell you don't mean anything to your heart, but there was no way for you to protect your friend from harm. Reasons this is your fault: You were not at the party, fine. You felt that you could have prevented her death if you had been there, fine. These points are undoubtedly true, but as much as you love and want to protect someone there is NO WAY HUMANLY POSSIBLE to be there for someone through every event in their life. If you'd been at this party, there would have been another one. Or maybe not even a party. Bad things happen, bad people exist. Those of us who care do what we can, but we aren't God. Until something of this magnitude occurs you really can't predict it. That's why so many people don't believe something like this can happen. We don't want to see the monsters around us.
For yourself you must go to her funeral tomorrow. You will never forgive yourself if you don't. Find some counciling too. You have what's known as survivor's guilt and you will need to work through this over a long period of time. Please go to the funeral. You really need the closure of the ceremony and to be close to her family. I offer you love and support through your sorrow. I wish there was more I could give.
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I am so sorry about your friend!! My best friend died a couple years back and I know how badly it hurts. I also blamed myslef, and the reality is that placing the blame on yourself is easier than admitting that this was out of your hands. But that is exactly what it was. Out of your hands. You can't blame yourself for something tragic that happened. It was random, unexpected, and totally horrible but NOT your fault. You warned her before. You were a good friend to her by just telling her that. Please get into grief counsleing, it was the only thing that worked for me. Not going to the funeral might be something you regret later. She would want you there, and no it isn't fun, but you should go. I didn't go to my friend's funeral and I really regret it. I'll be praying for you!! Good luck, God Bless, and this wasn't your fault!! xoxoxoxoxo*Jesuschick
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wow I'm soooo sry for what happended. I wish no one would ever have to go through that. Try and go to her funerel, it will give you some closure and just be there for anyone you see who needs it. It might take a while but you'll start to accept this. You probably will never be fully over it. Also try and go to your x-bf's court dates because when his verdict is called and he is found gulity that will help you cope with your loss. again I'm sry this happended
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o m g i am so sorry. i just wish i could help but as you can see all i can do if help you out. well it's not your fault. you may feel bad and guilty but it was her choice to take the drink and you've been telling her all the time constantly reminding her. but i kno maybe i bit harsh but i mean you can't have her back ALL the time. she just had to learn the very hard way. i'm really really sorry. hope you feel tons better. and oh yeah i tihnk you should go you have to reason to be guilty and she saw you like sobing or something she probably wouldn't like it. go to her funeral and pay your respects it may be hard but you'll pull through no doubt.
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do not feel bad! don't feel bad for mothering her. you were totally right! she shouldn't drink at parties. this isn't your fault, you had no idea that this would happen. i'm sorry for your loss, by the way. you can always go to a counselor. i'm sure they could help you through this tough time. you should go to her funeral. i know it would be rough, but it's the right thing to do. it'll give you a chance to say your last words to her. i hope that helps a little.. i know that anyone on here can't give you all the support that you need, but i hope i helped. i hope you make it through the hard time!
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its not your fault she died...you made the right choice by not going and you were a good friend by telling her not to drink..its a good thing hes arrested..but you should go to the funeral,its a lot of respect for her family since you were best frineds with her..and you may feel gulty if you dont go..im sorry she had to go
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Omg, I'm so sorry. But you have to know that it WAS NOT your fault. Even though you may think it was, it's not. It was her fault for drinking in the first place. You tried to help her and tell her not to drink. You did your part. But she went and did it anyway. And it's also your ex's fault, because he raped her. That's so sick. But please, hun, don't feel like it's your fault, it's not. When you go to the funeral tomorrow, it's ok to cry, just remember that. Remember all the good times. Best of luck, hope everything works out ok.
Hope I helped!
♥ Erin
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babe, i know what your going through. My friend was raped, now she wasnt my best friend and she didnt die, but its such a scarry subject to even think about! Im soo sorry for your loss and i would do anything to get you out of that slump your in! I know its wicked hard to deal with all this, but you have to stay strong! Dont do anything to yourself cause it wont help anything! Extasy is wicked bad, i know, cause my friends do it and i see the way they are and it kills me but i also thought i was gonna do it cause idk why. But i guess this teaches you a lesson on how to be careful at parties, like if you buy a bottle of water or something and you drink some and then you go on the dance floor and then come back, BUY A NEW ONE! cause you dont know if someone put something in it or not. Im sorry for your loss though. My uncle killed himself because of drugs and that was totally not called for. BUT PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING TO YOURSELF AND KEEP SAFE!! I AMMMMM SOOOOO SORRY AND IF YOU NEEDA TLK IM ME HIXIMCHRISTINE!!!
I am really sorry about your friend. That should never happen to anyone. I think you should look into the past and think about the memories you made with your friend. It will hurt you and it will probably make you cry but it is good for you. You will see how happy you were when you were with her and you will probably think to yourself, "I'll never be happy anymore." But I have news for you, you will. You think she is gone but she isn't. This may sound kind of stupid, but she is probably watching over you. She isn't gone out of your life. She is still in your heart and forever will be. Take the time to think about how any fights you may have had have made your friendship stronger. Don't worry about being alone and not having any friends because I am sure you will find a new friend. However, no one could ever take her place as your best friend. You should go to her funeral as a thank you; thanking her for always being there for you, thanking her for always making you happy, thanking her for seeing the best of you, etc. She isn't gone, she is always with you. I'm sorry again and I know you will be ok. Feel better.
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I'm not sure if you were invited to that party or not, but it probablly isn't your fault. It's hers.. you told her not to drink again and again while going to parties and if she didnt listen to you its not your fault. Its the boys fault and her own.. the boy didnt have to do something that stupid.. just remember that it wasnt your fault.. and when you go to the funeral 2mrw think about the good times you had together and you wont completely break down.. its not bad to break down sometimes only if you feel like it.. just remember that it isnt your fault and sooner or later everything will pull together and youll forget about it.. hopefully
hope i helped
-;- jessie xo
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