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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I am a 36 year old female and wanting to move out , but my mom has lied to me all my life saying since she is my payee I have to live with her , but I called social security to confirm and they I don't I can move out and leave her as my payee , so I called my sister she said she would talk to her about letting me move, my sister explained to her even though that I have mental health issues I am still considered a legal adult and need to be given a chance to try to move out on my own and given some independence . The problem is she found my birth certificate and name change paperwork, but refuses to look for my social security card, so had to call so security and make an appointment to get new one and she also refuses to look for my bank statements I need 3 of them because she is my payee the bank won't give them to me unless I have her permission. I don't know what to do and you I don't feel comfortable being my own payee and I don't have anyone else willing to do it besides my mom. I don't know what to do . This is stressing me out. I feel like I am being held prisoner.

You might try calling DSHS Department of Social and Health Services in your area. They can team you up with a social worker who should be able to help you get set up with the help you need. What I don't understand is why all your documents are not in your own filing systems with social security card and other important cards in your own wallet. If Mom is helping right now, all she needs is a photo copy to have the numbers. One day, Mom will leave this earth and you won't have her around to help. Economic times being bad, she is left to manage your money and it is too tempting to take whatever she needs to pay her own bills. I have heard that problem from many young people who thought that of all people, a parent could be trusted. You may qualify for a caregiver through the state and that person could help get your legal paperwork in order, even though someone else pays your bills, but someone else needs to be aware of whats happening. My husband and I are helping out such a person at our church who has not yet been set up with a payee and care giver. Perhaps there is a church nearby who may have someone willing to help. Or ask sister to help search for another payee for you. I find it suspicious that your mom has lied all this time about your situation. I know of people in your position who are living out on their own and their social worker helped them get set up in housing for the mentally disabled. Its time you had your own place.

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My mother's step sister is financially abusing her by getting a POA and removing large amounts of money from my mothers bank account. She lied and applied for a restraining order against me and dropped it when I showed up to court. I think she believed I wouldn't show up. What can I do?

I used to be a caregiver and know that all the states have their own agencies to give advice and help those taken advantage of.Since I don't know your state, try this link: https://www.apa.org/topics/aging-older-adults/elder-abuse
See if that link can help put you in contact with agency for your state/area. I wish you the best.

Just so you know, it is common for an elderly or mentally ill person to get help financially but I have only known of the person deciding and assigning whomever they want who agrees to help. So I am sure there are special rules in place when a person cannot make that decision on their own for example as when dementia is an issue.

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My son just turned 20 and even before he turned this age he's been disrespecting me and his 16 yr old sister and 8 yr old brother, I'm so tired of the negativity and him being hateful and mean non stop. He has ADHD but claims the reason he's a jerk is because of his anger supposedly stemming from his ADHD. I'm over the pain and hurt from him, I don't know what else to do, he has a job and brings in some money but doesn't drive yet because of his own preferences..I really need some help and some suggestions. Thanks

At his age, he is an adult and you can no longer force him to do anything, even if it was to help him. However, you are the homeowner, so you can do the same as other parents of college age kids still living at home, set down some rules. And yes, I realize that the economy being what it is, that the majority of young adults find a need to stay in their parents home. But that is no excuse, and neither is ADHD for treating some one badly. I suffered all that you are suffering but it was from my first husband, so I left him. In your situation, you are the homeowner so you need to be able to stick with tough love and give him boundaries which if he steps over, he must leave. If he refuses to follow rules and refuses to leave, police must be called to remove him and a restraining order put in. That is where the tough love comes in, so he can't just worm his way back.
You do not mention a partner so I assume this is a single parent home. So it may be a good thing to find a support group of other adults with the same situations. I found one so far by searching online although they put an age restriction of age 50 and up. https://www.facebook.com/groups/1614990078673607/ Its for parents of Toxic adult children.
And next, an article written to help break free of toxic manipulations, the closest I could find to your situation.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202108/breaking-free-from-toxic-manipulations-of-an-adult-child

This got me thinking that therapy is a good thing for you and the rest of your family. Yes, it would be good if your son went to therapy but at this point, sounds like it's gone on for years and I know from the counseling I got, even though I wasn't the one causing trouble in my marriage, that everyone gets affected in ways that can be subtle sometimes but still dangerous and destructive to your life. So perhaps use the 'find a therapist' button and let them know of your situation and perhaps they can even steer you to a support group.

Lastly, I have heard a few stories of times when ADHD or something else was blamed for or assumed to be part of the cause of bad hurtful behavior. I read the bible and there are stories there plus those of people from modern times where once a person was okay, but over time, something changed, and an evil force was able to gain a foothold in a persons life. There is more of a spiritual battle going on than you would believe and yes, even to the point of family turning on members of family they love but in a moment when in the grips of that evil (like a spirit of anger) even killing can happen. So if you attend a church, let them know whats happening and have them help pray to Jesus for a change in your son's life. If you do not attend anywhere, start looking and check if a church has deliverance ministries. You'd have to convince the son to attend unless someone is willing to come to your home. Best to at least check on that and if it turns out, nothing was found, then you can check out more on the Drs. end of things. It could be something other than ADHD that wasn't discovered back when. Last possibility is that the son is exercizing his will and being stubborn, choosing to simply continue behaving this way because he's gotten away with it for so long, think of the battle of wills that start when a child is young like age 2. Yes, it starts early. One daughter at that age was in high chair eating. When she was done, she simply threw her food on the floor, yet I was in the same room but back turned to her. I told her to make some noise or call saying "Mommy" or "done" which she was able to do at that time.I told her that when people drop something on the floor, they have to clean up their mess. Took her out of chair, wet a sponge, placed her hand upon it and held it there while basically just smear the food around on the floor all while she squawked and fought me about doing that. Then I thanked her for helping clean up her mess, released her and finished cleaning up for real. She never ever threw food on the floor again and learned to follow rules I laid out. I never asked something harder than age could handle. I am not sharing and saying you did not do right by your child when he was young, it is just an example that at any age, there can and will be a battle of wills and no matter how tired you get of it, the first mistake, which I will admit to once or twice, is backing down and not enforcing a rule, and basically letting a child 'get away with' bad behavior. And I have seen how just doing so once, the child remembers how they got away with something and repeats the bad behavior again and again. My last child was the most strong willed and her Sunday school teacher told me she reminded her of her own daughter who was a handful to deal with at times. She didn't want to offend but said if I ever wanted tips as to what worked for her, just to ask. I asked right then and there. It ended up her personality was the kind where She stubbornly wanted to make the decisions herself all the time. So with her, she was give two choices, the one we wanted her to choose and what the rewards would be, or the choice of refusing to do so, like a bedtime, and not getting to watch TV and get dessert the next day after dinner. We had to be ready to let her choose to break the rule we set in place. But this kid was smart and reasoned quickly that one choice had bad consequences for her and she never choice it again and we never had the battles and tantrums from her ever again. There are so many things that are best to do with young kids so they have a chance at becoming fairly decent adults. But it is really hard, and not every person learns as a parent that there is a better way to handle their children. I am a grandma now and still wishing I had done some things differently with my kids when they were growing up. But all I can do now is pray. So lastly, that is something you can do or ask other people who are Christians, and do pray, to do for you. This last thing I write about is hard because I want to see instant answers and as the parent of adult children, I can see where each is doing something I feel is not in their best interest, yet I continue to pray for them cus I know God answers prayer (just in His own time and in His own way) I will pray for your situation as well.

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My Aunt that I haven't been over to house since my dad died when I was 12 invited me for Christmas dinner this year . I met up with her before hand at local restaurant because I haven't seen her all much either since I was 12 unless I was at at store like Walmart or something. I am now 35 years old . We just started talking on the phone again about a month ago and I do feel like I want build a relationship with my Aunt and Uncle again. My Aunt told me my Uncle is 74;and has Cancer. I just don't understand why they waited all these years to start trying to start talking to me again 20 plus years later. Also what would be a good dish to bring.

There has been little traffic on here so I didn't check until today....sorry.
I hope you had a good time at your Aunts for Christmas dinner. People can easily become distracted in their normal routine and not even think about extended family members. However the picture changes when some one is facing death and knows not how much longer they may be around to spend time with family. It is a time when people begin to re-establish relationships that kind of fell by the wayside. It could well be that your Aunt will continue to want to be closer to you, even after her husband passes. Although I pray that he has a miraculous healing from Jesus, and when his time really comes, that he passes peacefully in his sleep instead. One of my daughters still lives in the area, same age as you and goes with me to spend time at her Aunts for Christmas. This Aunt is very ill, keeps hanging in there, but who knows if there will be a holiday when we don't have her around anymore. It gives her great happiness to see my daughter, her niece the few times she does, as I am sure you brought happiness to your Aunt.

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Hello.

I’m thinking of taking her. Someone I talked to said since it’s for a white collar crime and it’s only six months and since she and her mom have a good relationship my daughter is likely not scared or terrified but is liking thinking “cool! I get to see someone go to jail which I’ve never seen before!” . Would you find that surprising

I think I've learned enough from watching it on TV to not be surprised

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Hello

Thanks for answering. Hope you don’t mind a pm. Main problem I have is she will see her mom in a jail jumpsuit and see guards and other inmates that could be intimidating. Is that ok for a 15 year old to see’? Nothing to do with her mom, solely those other things

If it’s not as bad as I thought then I would have no problem taking her Apparently the reason she thinks it’s funny is she thinks her mom is the last person she would expect to be in a jail uniform and behind bars. Her picture of a jail inmate is some big burly man, probably

Each kid is different in their maturity. I don't know your daughter so I can't tell you one way or the other. All I can share is what the lasting impression may be.
Most of what she has seen up til now is her school, the insides of your home and those of friends and her favorite stores or hangouts. None of that can show her the consequences to breaking the law. But a jail can. As I said before using this as a unique teaching opportunity is the plus here. However you would need to have a talk with her about what she saw and see if she has any questions. Also, it is a time to drive home the point that no matter what the crime is, big or little, breaking the law ends you in jail and that explains why there were women there whose crime was more severe. If you are church going or a Christian household, then its a good way to be more specific and mention how sin is sin, same as breaking a law, no matter whether lying or killing someone. There are people who get fined or have to do community service, instead of spending time locked up with their freedoms taken away, but Jesus paid our fines for our sins with his blood so if we accept the free gift of his death for us, the ultimate payment, for all humans then and now, our debt is paid in full and we can ask Jesus to come live inside to help us to live out rest of our lives, striving to be more like him. I feel that if I were in your shoes, that's exactly what I would share with my children, teens. Real life is a serious situation, not fun and games like seeing it acted out in a movie and thinking that all crime or jail is a made up thing for TV. Personally, I would find visiting a jail uneasy at any age, even senior citizens due to what behavior or speech other inmates may engage in. This would be the stuff we see in movies but are now seeing in real life. However due to the presence of the guards, I would feel a sense of security knowing they have everything under control. I still think it could be a good learing experience, plus it would be nice for her to see her mom.

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The charge is a check fraud charge and it is a six month sentence. My daughter she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. I told her mom did the wrong thing and is rightfully serving her punishment. They have a good relationship. The main problem I have is she will see her mom in a jail jumpsuit and see guards and other inmates that could be intimidating. Is that ok for a 15 year old to see? Actually my daughter does not seem scared but instead seems excited and enthusiastic to visit. This is strange to me. Do you find this normal? My daughter seems to find the idea of her mom having to wearing a uniform, sharing a room funny. I wonder why she would think it is funny. My wife says bring her if she would like to and my daughter says she would like to but I don’t know if it is a good idea. She hasn’t gone yet so we can still discuss it together

I have seen this question before, maybe a year ago. Hopefully that isn't you with a repeat offense of Mom. If the jail has no age limit, then it is up to you to decide whether to take her or not. At the teen years, kids live for instant gratification, so they have trouble with understanding consequences to anything they or someone else does. That is why so many teens get into trouble so easily. Mom in jail is only but one thing that could pull her astray. You can't protect her from all the other things she might think fun to try or funny, but a parent can patiently explain this to a teen. Their brain isn't quite fully developed yet so they can't help doing stupid stuff some times that can really hurt them or kill them. But you can have a real good talk with her, explaining how the brain in teens isn't quite as developed as the adult brain, close but not quite there yet. Therefore she has to trust the consul of trusted older adults, such as her parents. Maybe also explain how far a prison sentence could affect her future if she were to try something against the law. It could affect getting into college or getting hired at all for a job. Seeing Mom in combo with an in depth talk about the situation and how it could hurt her if she copied it, is probably as good a learning opportunity as she could get.

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Me = 23F
Husband = 26F

We have been married for 1 year, dating for 3 years. The whole time my husband and his family and my parents have been very open about wanting us to have kids. I have gone along with that and kept to myself fact I do not actually want to have kids. I did not want to disappoint him and or everyone else so I just kept using birth control after the wedding and during this whole time we supposedly have been trying to have a baby. I have used sex to distract him and keep him feeling like we are making the effort. I pretended to get myself checked when we were not conceiving and he had his doctor do a sperm count test and he is fine. I feel rotten I made him doubt himself. His older brothers are giving him a hard time about not "doing it right" and "shooting blanks" so it was mainly to shut them up. But the pressure is building. I should have told him before we were married but I was afraid of losing him. I think he would forgive me but then he will be so eager to try for kids and I do not think I want to be a mom. It is selfish, but I just want it to be him and me. How long do I go on playing games making him think all this sex is about trying to get pregnant? The sex is fun but it is like I see the hope in his face each time and then like it is a personal failure for him when we do a pregnancy test, but he ends up comforting me. It is so messed up. How do I get out of this?

Oh dear, what a problem this is! When I counsel women on how to find the right partner to marry, I first suggest making sure that you have a list of "Must haves" for the guy, things there are no way to compromise on. For many, this category has ones religion, ideas on how to spend money, and having or not having children. It is okay to not ever want to have kids. I have one daughter much older than you who knew she didn't want to ever have kids. Her boyfriend is okay with that. It is unfair to him to keep this secret, something that he wants. What the inlaws want should not affect any decisions of yours, as you are adults and if grandkids are not in their future, maybe due to medical problems, then so be it. But lying or keeping this a secret is not going to help. I can't say how it will turn out if you tell him but just think of how it will affect him, either now or later if he finds out eventually, will his trust in you be broken, is that a big enough deal for him to divorce? You have a lot to think about, and none of it, are easy decisions to make or easy to do, but I would suggest coming clean with him. You never know, he may like the idea of kids but not necessarily have his heart set on it so dearly. So it is best to let him know and then deal with whatever fall out there is.

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So my 22 year old niece moved in with my mom and i because she is going through a divorce and she brought her dog. I live her and the dog , but she and the dog is getting on my nerves. I am 34 years old and I live with my mom because I have an anxiety disorder, autism, and sensory processing disorder. My mom is disabled. My mom uses a walker if that helps any. My niece works with home health and she is supposed to be helping my mom do things she can't do that was the agreement when she moved in. Instead of paying rent and helping with groceries she would cook and clean and take me places with our car when my mom is unable to do so . The thing is we share a room and she keeps it a mess she was going through our food to see what was good a not good. It was canned goods and pre packaged items and she put them in a large trash bag and put the trash bag in a basket of clean clothes and went to her friend's house and it's been there for 2 days . It's so heavy . I can't lift it because I have a bad wrist. She blocked my vanity with her stuff where I can't even get to it . She put stuff in front of my TV in my room where I can't even get to it to watch it. The room is so messy I don't even know how to go about cleaning it. I have talked to my mom and I have asked her if she can't clean up the room can she ask her to leave. My mom says she will talk to her but she is not going to kick her out. I have tried talking to her myself but she doesn't listen to anything I say. I called her mother and asked her to talk to her daughter she said she would and understands why I am upset. They have bother asked her to clean up the room and nothing we say seems to work. I can't get a place of my own because of my disabilities not only that I am on SSI benefits and can't afford my own place. I need some advice. I have tried everything. I don't know what to do . Please help! I am about ready to go to a mental hospital because I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown. I have OCD as well . Am I over reacting or is the way I feel understable. I feel like she is just using us because she doesn't have anywhere else to go.

You are not overreacting. everything needs to have its own spot, and there needs to be some kind of order if for nothing else than for safety of all in the house and health. I haven't seen the set up so I can't say if it's a lack of storage for all her things or if she's just a messy or hoarder type. I have family like that, actually the stepmom of my granddaughter and the father in law whose house it is absolutely hates it but does nothing about it. He had complained to me. You have the same situation, with your mom being the house owner. I used to do care giving and am aware that people with disabilities usually have a case worker who keeps tabs on you. If you truly can not live alone, there must be some kind of group home set up for people in your situation. Call your caseworker and ask about that. Don't wait until a twice a year meet up with you to verify you are still the same and continue to need SSI. Call your contact now and ask if its even possible to get into a group home paid for by state, and let her/him know why it is so important. As long as Mom owns the home, you have no say in the matter and it sounds like she is choosing to ignore the situation because she is avoiding the drama which she probably couldn't handle anyways. You need a better living situation for peace of mind. And making a decision now or later is going to happen no matter what, as your Mom is aging and one day will no longer be around. Perhaps you will inherit the house. Even so, you couldn't live there by yourself so having it sold if there is no other family may happen. But what is important right now is calling and talking to your case worker. If you have no idea who that is, call DSHS, Department of Social and Health Services and mention why you are calling and what you need to speak to someone about. There is protection for elderly and disabled persons by law so no one can abuse them. Since you are disabled and the room you share is now unsafe, it truly is a matter for the state to be aware of and anyone coming to see you, and seeing the state in which you have to live, would likely do something about it, whatever can be done within the law. You say the niece is supposed to help, unofficially I suppose as doing some help that legal care givers do. Your mom may not qualify for the help and so has asked the niece to do it. If the niece is not doing anything to help your Mom and simply taking advantage of the situation, then you have to talk to someone about it because Mom and your niece certainly aren't going to. I know it may be tough for you to do. Just dial operator on the phone, ask for your local DSHS number. My local offices have cut personnel and have quite a wait time on phone. Hopefully yours doesnt. This is the best advice I can give. Oh, by the way, in a group home, you should not have to share a room but have your own bedroom but the rest of living spaces are shared.

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Long story short, that tiktok that says "your mother loves you but she doesn't like you" describes it well. She does so much for me, she loves me but her words are so venomous if I do something wrong. I am a young adult, I don't drink, smoke or do any of that. I mind my own business and don't get in trouble. I focus on my studies. But throughout my life, she has said things that have struck me and haunted me, comments about my looks, and intellect. She knows I will never be like her, she was practically THE girl and I'm just a girl. I want her to accept me and like me. I want her to listen to me and not just understand whatever based on the image she has of me. She lies and says she doesn't care if I end up being a disappointment and choosing to do what I love to do because she wants me to be happy but she makes no effort to listen to my work and tells people she wanted me to pursue business instead. Whenever I come home she's so excited to see me she gives me hugs and then an hour or so later she gets mad at me. I guess that's just what being a mother does to you.

I can't change her. But I want to adapt. I want to be able to wake up and not feel unloved, I want to be able to go about my day and actually be able to not let these thoughts and words consume me. I need advice on how to cope with this, what to do to not mind her temper and feelings.

Its sad when the very place that we should be able to go to be loved unconditionally, build it, and strengthened, and cheer us when we are having a hard time, is not happening, home is not a refuge.
I experienced that in a first marriage. And this was a man who went to church and I thought had a stronger faith but after marriage, shortly after a terrible side of him came out. He would try to tear me down in front of family and tell them to shut up when they tried to defend me. He was verbally abusive. Normally, the stress of verbal abuse messes with a persons mind but sometimes can show physically. Though I did get some physical manifestations, the more common reaction in the abused spouse, did not happen in me. I had someone I could go to anytime and am just telling my story, what worked for me. If you keep trying all things and nothing works for you, you just might want to try what I did. Of course, I was a believer, having asked Jesus to be my Savior and I prayed often. SO when he became upset with me, accused me of something, I would go in prayer to ask God if perhaps I had done something wrong and I especially remember one response, that it was not my fault. That my husband was reacting to my tone of voice, imagining something in me that did not exist. When God told me He found no problem with me, it felt like a great weight lifted off. There were times when I would again go in prayer to God and I truly believe that is what kept my sanity intact. It is good that you realize you can't change her. Change must be wanted and come from within her. There were a couple times I also grabbed my car keys and left the house because he followed me to every room I went to get away from him and pray. I would usually go to the beach to watch the sunset as that wasn't far from home and being there brought some peace as well. Other than that, there is no real advice for your situation.as I don't know your family at all, let alone well enough to know if there are some things that if I knew them, would suspect they may be the issue. Ask yourself if there was a time when she did not act this way, and try to remember when it changed. Is your father still in the picture, and if so, talk to him and let him know how you feel. If there is no father, perhaps she is unhappy about that and all the unhappiness in her has to be dumped out every day. I have heard that unhappy people will dump on the people most conveniently close, like other family members, and some times pick all, or choose just one. I will say one thing from what you have written, about her comments on your looks. intellect, and upset that you did not pursue business as she wanted you to. Things like this make me wonder if she is unhappy with how her life turned out, or perhaps as she is getting older, whats to mold you into a younger version of herself and try to force you to do the things she never did or wanted to keep on doing so that she could live her life vicariously through you. The fact that you don't allow that, is likely what makes her unhappy with you. I here from people all the time of parents practically starting war with their adult child who doesn't go to the school they want you to, get the job they want you to get, date and or marry someone they have not picked out for you and so on. Parents have threatened to stop paying for school or cast their child out of the family, maybe even out of the house. There are many others going through the same stuff. Many who like you feel unloved. All people need and deserve to not only feel loved but truly know they are loved. However, the very people one would thin should be able to show us their love, are human like us, have their own issues, and can be very unloving. I had both of my divorced parents at different times get upset over imagined things in their mind about me when I was raising my kids, and stopped talking to me for months each. I instinctively knew they needed time to get over what imagined wrong they had in their mind and keep trying after weeks or months to see if they were ready to pick up where we left off. I never asked them to apologize because the important thing for me was to forgive them. I did ask a sister who sided with my Dad, believing him because it truly was an action totally out of character for him., if she remembered this happening since it was about 30 years ago. She did not remember at all and I was okay with that. I can only say that even though I wasn't getting love from family at these times in my life, I still felt love from at least one source, from my Maker. God has love for us all. I can testify that I was lured away to not serving God, yet I know of some situations where He has protected me, regardless of where I was at. Now that I am back, I can only share what I feel is the best advice I can think of. If there was something simple that required you to do something and didn't involve God, I would say so but I don't know of anything. If lets say, you wanted more self confidence, okay I could give suggestions that don't mention God and praying, sorry if this upset you. It is not my intention to do so, only give the best advice I can.

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Hi there why wouldnt my sister make her children (15) and (12) say they are sorry for breaking into my house. Im not really all they mad about it but my boyfriend is and they have to respect that he lives here as well.

I don't know you or your sister so I would have no idea why your sister would not have her kids say sorry. If you are okay with your place being broken into, the problem may be more widespread in the family then you initially thought. We tend to be lenient with family when they treat us in ways that a person should never do, no matter if family or not. So lets say, some homeless person broke into your house, instead of your nieces/nephews. Would you also not be mad about it? The boyfriend is partially right. It's not about who lives there, you, or him or both of you or a stranger. Breaking into someones house without their permission is not right. There is a lack of respect for another persons property or belongings and in saying they have to have respect, the boyfriend is right. So I am not sure why you are confused. I am not saying there should be bad blood between you all, but apparently something is going on in your sisters house, her life, or maybe its something observed with grandparents, but something is affecting her kids in a bad way. if you think it is trivial. Then at what point would you consider it to be an important matter> Would that be if they broke in while the two of you were having fun in bed, stealing cash or items to turn into cash, threatening you with a knife? Hey, wrong is wrong or in other words, sin is sin no matter how big or small. I will be saying a prayer for them. If you don't pray then it might be time. Some kind of intervention is needed for those kids sake and perhaps for the rest of family as well. If you don't pray, find a church and have a pastor pray for your family, and it wouldn't hurt to consider a big life change as well, being a believer.

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Im at my wits end, nobody seems to care. Its been 6 years , my daughter got in a fight with my son, has not allowed me to see my grandson, who I love dearly because I told her it was wrong to assult my son. She blocked me in every way. Now I'm sure my grandson probably doesnt even remember me, he was 3 . Its has devastated me . I've tried I've begged my family to help , I sent cards, gifts texts unreturned, calls ignored. ITS KILLING ME.She has never been kind or good to me, never said I love you or even called me mom. Do I give up, do I hire an attorney, do I show up and try to talk to her at her job? I don't know her address she has moved, now getting a divorce. Im afaraid I will never see them again.

I am in a similar situation. I am doing the only thing I can, which is to pray for my oldest daughter and her family. Like in your story, mine moved out of state. Had a child in first marriage, divorced, married again, didn't want any more kids so they divorced. The problems started when she met her current husband. I never met him in person, only spoke once on phone before she married him, no wedding so all I know is what the guy told me, a story about being abused sexually by his dad. Stories from this daughter told me of really bizzare behavior like running out the door at night screaming for no reason, barefoot, shirtless and coming back much later looking like he had been in some tussles with someone. She eventually came to me and told me she never wanted to see me or her Dad ever again and proceeded to tell me why, a story that matched all the details her husband had told me on the phone years ago. I was accused of things that never happened. At first she said she would go to her aunts to visit for Christmas, something we do each year since Mom died. However, they were not there long before my brother in law asked if he was going to see his family for Christmas too. That one question unhinged this young man who threatened to kill their whole family. My sis didn't want him there ever again but that problem was solved when they moved out of state right after. Soon we are contacted by Child Protective service regarding my grand daughter who was now attending Kindergarten. A teacher noticed bruises all over her and contacted authorities. The whole family was offered to be on a multiple person phone call regarding the future of that child. By now she was pregnant from this crazy husband. No one in the family could take her. All of us are very poor and barely getting by including myself. But the crazy guys Mom wanted to be in touch with me so we talked and the grand daughter was put in custody of herd birth father. Although nice, he had remarried a woman who has turned out to be a hoarder with two boys from two dads and acts exactly like the stepmother of Cinderella with that child treated as Cinderella.Basically her bio kids can do no wrong and granddaughter is blamed for everything and grounded more days of the month than not. Going back in little in time, when my grandaughter was born, now 14 yrs ago, my daughter confessed to having depression during HS but hadn't told me at the time. Now there was the added post partum depression with thoughts of killing herself or the baby. So I took her to her Dr. She was put on meds but after a while, she hated how it made her feel and totally stopped taking them. So she was unstable in some ways herself before meeting and marrying her third husband. I talked by phone quite often with the mom of the crazy husband to my daughter. She told stories, where it showed how naive she was. She told of head banging on the wall, tossing a sister down a flight of concrete steps and the dad, her ex husband now wanting to come over to borrow money. She said yes, they sat to have tea and when she wasn't looking he put poison in her tea. Luckily one son was home in his room and found her gasping for air. That same man told his new wife as soon as they were married, that now she can't do any testifying against him to reveal he had killed a person in his past on purpose. Sounds all like a soap opera huh? I came to my own conclusions after a few more stories that the father was a psychopath and it sounds like the son is likely one as well. Theres much more dirt in this story I tell.But I will skip to the current day, where I have a 2nd granddaughter through my oldest, whom I have never met, have no idea how old she is now but I am guessing at least 10 years old. Have no idea where they live, no phone, no contact. I doubt the child even knows she has grandparents as the crazy daddy has cut himself off from all his family. His mom died recently but he has 3 grown siblings who don't hear from him either. So my story is as heart breaking as yours. Having dealt with and talked to CPS, whomever has custody of a child, gets to keep that child, unless someone can prove harm to the welfare of the child. The law can't demand a grandmother be able to see her grandchild. So you are as stuck as me. The only difference is that I don't let the situation 'kill me' by affecting my mental or physical health. Been there once with an ex who was verbally abusive. I know how stress can affect a persons health. Either it goes to attack you mentally, and depression is very likely or physically with all sorts of ailments. I had lots of stress caused illnesses. If I had stayed with my ex instead of leaving, I would not be alive today to answer you. I was told that cancer or a fatal heart condition were the ultimate and that I likely didn't have much time left if I stayed. I left of course and that was a hard situation to go through. I don't consider myself having given up, but I do the only thing I can since I believe in prayer. I may not see my other granddaughter ever in this lifetime, but am pretty sure I will get to see her once I get to Heaven. In fact, I will probably see my daughter too. I will be praying for your situation as well. I know its hard but I know you can enjoy your life again, even though there is this nasty situation in it.I can tell you to try to be at peace, even with all this, but we can't do it on our own. You can try. But in the end, it may be that the only thing you can do is pray as well, and while at it, ask Jesus to give you peace. Not pushing religion here, just one Mom to another trying to tell you what is helping me deal with it.

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Hello,

So to keep it short, my sister passed away a few months ago at the start of the year and it has been devastating to say the least. My wedding is in the summer and it is a few months away. At first I wanted to postpone it a year, however, because of my family's circumstances and us always being abroad and away from one another, we decided it would just be best to have a small "reception" instead of a big wedding sometime in the summer so that me and my soon to be husband can live together since we have been waiting for that for a while.

It was a very hard decision for me to make as me and my family are grieving and we are such a close and big family. The thing is, I am okay with my decision because I know that things need to move froward and that I need to start my new life with my husband. So that decision has already been made, to throw a small reception in the summer. It will be 6 months from my sister's passing and my family encouraged me to do this and want to see me go off and get married.
The thing is, I am really not in the best state of mind and can't imagine going on a honeymoon and traveling just yet. It has been hard enough planning this reception and doing all these things while I grieve, however, I am doing this because I dont want to look back and think to myself that I didnt try enough to make a nice reception for me and my husband.
My husband keeps telling me that we can postpone our honeymoon for next year and go on a "road trip" somewhere inside the country right after our reception instead of traveling if I feel like im not ready, and I was okay with that idea. He told me that we can postpone our honeymoon and instead we can travel somewhere really nice and romantic on our wedding anniversary next year. This was a sweet idea that he presented and
I don't mind doing that, but because I am a really indecisive person in general, I keep thinking that what If I regret not having a proper honeymoon.
I know that this may sound silly, but I think subconsciously I am comparing myself to his ex wife who he had his honeymoon with in Bora Bora.
He said it was the worst times of his life, since they got divorced very quickly after they got married due to many reasons, so he doesn't have a special memory about that. However, I feel like if I dont go, I won't experience traveling with him like I want to. But I also don't know if i want to go when my mood is in constant up and down and I feel like it wouldn't be right to go on a honeymoon when my family is still in pain back at home and grieving. I dont know if that makes sense. But I am having so many conflicting thoughts and feelings towards this situation and I really cant think straight or know what to do!
Unfortunately, I know that no one can help me make a decision like this and that this is something for me to try to think through myself. But I think I am just looking for any kind of reassurance that what I am feeling is normal and that it's normal for me to feel like I don't want to not go on a trip like that because I am worried that I wont enjoy it to the fullest with my husband. I know that he will be wanting to do so many things and roam around, have amazing night life experiences and I dont know if i would enjoy that with what I am going through.

Any thoughts? Any opinions and thoughts to help ease my mind will be really helpful for me at this point.
Thank you so much and I am sorry if this is long! :) xo

Not long at all. Thanks for being so open to share all details. So first, my condolences on the passing of your sister. No matter what reason she passed on from, she is happy in heaven looking down and watching you and rest of family. For those with Near death experiences, the story is always the same as far as how they feel. They feel so happy and free and they do watch to see how family members are doing. She likely regrets that her death came at a close time to your wedding and understands you are grieving, but most likely she may hope that there is little affect on your ceremonies. I believe you are a very intelligent wise person since you are looking how you will be doing emotionally. Talk about emotional yoyo affect, one moment happy due to marrying your sweetheart followed by another where you have a memory of your sister and begin weeping. For the money spent on a honeymoon trip, it would be a shame if you couldn't enjoy it to its full worth, so the idea of a smaller something special locally may be the best move. Then the both of you could plan to go instead on your 1st anniversary and you'd both be happier knowing you waited.
The one caution I mention is that being pregnant or having a newborn if you were to get pregnant at the start, would interfere with that plan so both of you need to take precaution,, like being on the pill, using an IUD or some other form of birth control. You could then start for trying for a child after the postponed trip is over or longer if you both have planned to wait.
The Wedding should still be held. People attending will know that your sister is no longer around. I have seen people place a framed close up portrait of the passed love one at the wedding since they can't be there in person, a way to include her presence at the wedding. If she was to have a job or position at the wedding, like a bridesmaid, then perhaps that portrait on an easel type of stand up on stage near the bridesmaids would commemorate her and how sad you are she isn't there to fulfill her bridesmaid job. When its a parent who died, usually people place the portrait in one of the chairs up front reserved for family. However, not everyone sees it then. But this is just a suggestion. One way or another, I am pretty sure she will be present in spirit at your wedding. Of people with NDE's, while temporarily dead, stories of relatives surprising them with details of weddings and births and other grand events are told. Yes, they do watch and often will come be present. Just expect that she is there to witness your marriage hon. And take that smaller road trip honeymoon now and wait a year to go on a grand vacation when you've had some time to grieve and at least get past the shock of it.
Don't even try to worry and compare your honeymoon to that of your fiance and his ex. Some people may be great people but when married to the wrong person, it's a disaster. I'm hopeful he learned something from it and is making a great choice now the second time around. And lastly, congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

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Hi everyone,
I hope whoever is reading this has the patience and understanding that I am looking for, it makes me a little uncomfortable to write here and look for advice from strangers, but I need to vent to people who might not be judgmental to my given situation.

Me and my Fiancé have been engaged for two years, we are both 29 years old and were supposed to get married in the summer, next June. My brother lives in the U.S and both me and my Fiance are live in a different country.

My two sisters, who live with him in the U.S, called me about a month ago saying he has passed away in his sleep. Of course, this was such a big shock to everyone and even to my Fiance, because he was his good friend even after the relationship between them went long distance. It is a tragedy and we are going through a lot of grief and agony and sadness. Nothing will ever be the same and my entire family is hurt and lost and are feeling many different emotions.

My part of the family has always had a very difficult time reuniting since all my siblings live in U.S and I am living here with my mom. So me and my mom are always going back and fourth and sometimes it is difficult for my siblings to do the same due to work and responsibilities that they have. The biggest problem with our wedding was that my brother kept talking about how he wasn't sure he was gonna make it because he had a lot of things to take care of in terms of work, etc.

The big issue now is that my mom doesn't want to leave my sisters alone in the U.S and wants to live with them for the time being, until they get a job and a nice home for them to live with, she also has to go back for medical reasons since she has a lot of health issues. Which means that I would be staying here in this country alone.

Me and my Fiance have decided to get legally married (for religious reasons) and move into our home until we can celebrate later with the people that we love (A year from now. I figured I should postpone the wedding till next year in respect to my brother and me and my family's feelings towards the loss. ) We know that right now, it is not the time to party and throw a wedding, and no one wants to. Of course it breaks my heart that my brother isn't here and that even when we decide to do something in the future, he wont be here. But I also have a lot of disappointment to how all of this ended up happening.

Obviously, like any woman, I was dying to be a bride, I had all these plans of how my wedding would be, and I feel so hurt and disappointed that nothing went as planned. I know this is life, but what I mean is that I am worried that we will get married, live together, and lose all the essence of me becoming a 'bride' in the future. I am not trying to be some brat, I swear. This is just how I feel and the reason why I decided to write this is to be FREE of any judgement. I cant talk to anyone about this matter because it comes off as selfish. I lost my brother too, and it pains me, but I also lost the happiness that goes with getting married the way that I envisioned and had a picture of in my head.

The legal marriage will continue, and my Fiance is super supportive, he wants to be there for me, wants me to lean on him while I grieve, and is doing everything to show me that he is THERE and I love that so much! I just have terrible anxiety that I wont ever be a bride, will never have a wedding, and will never be able to have that in my life. Growing up, I never went to college on campus or did many things that a lot of people experienced. Getting married is a big milestone for me. I think for anyone.

Do you think that if we get married, move in, it will lose the essence of us doing a wedding later?
Do you think that it makes a difference at all?
He told me that him and his family want to see us get married and have a wedding, but that they all understand that now it is not the time and respect that and actually don't want that now either. He is being supportive and everything, I just don't want the day to come when him, or any of my family members, tell me "Why are you even making a wedding, aren't you already married?" it may just be my paranoid, anxious self. I have terrible anxiety and worry too much. I just need your opinions and some reassurance.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

As I began reading what you wrote, the answer alreay came to me and then I read you had figured out the same... to get legally married so you can live together, then have the wedding later in a year. So I agree with that. Lets take the focus off of you to get perspective. All around the world, during the height of the pandemic, there were no weddings, no funerals, no family gatherings for holidays, no graduations and so on. These are important celebrations that could not happen because of something else that happened. It is a big let down to not have been able to have joyous celebration. I believe waiting is a very good idea. All your family, and your fiancee are grieving and won't be ready to experience joy at a wedding in a hand ful of months, so waiting for the celebration is the best thing. It can be a respect issue but for more than just your brother but for all the family who are allowed time to grieve. I know everyone grieves or goes through the grieving process in different ways and different times. So if by a year from now, there is still one family member who has not moved on and is still grieving, I would go ahead with having a celebration and that one person or two, can attend but don't expect them to be their cheeriest self. Many people the world over had to come up with alternate way to celebrate, or cancel or postpone events during the last couple of years. So for example, how does one go back in time to when a loved one died from covid. Capturing the emotions and exactly how one felt is hard and best to not focus on. The best any person could do was wait until it was safe to have any gathering again and then, not have a funeral service with a casket, but have some kind of remembrance celebration of the lost ones life, with people sharing their favorite memories of the one who passed on, some singing, maybe weave in whatever your religious customs are, I had a table with lots of show and tell memorabilia of my dad when he passed on and of course food is a must for a celebration. You can still enjoy a celebration and that is what you tell anyone who asks why do so after already being married. If they don't understand, that is for them to deal with. Don't let anyone take away your joy when the day you have waited for arrives and yes, even wearing a wedding dress if you still wish or if you decide to do something different like traditional garb of wedding for your country, or something white but shorter. Yes, its no longer celebrating two people becoming one couple, but you can still do whatever you like. I do not know what country you are in. But I have read of weddings in history not being what we have today. For example, there were no white wedding gowns and veils, only wearing ones best dress or if rich enough, a new dress. But white wedding dressing and tuxes for men were not the normal way to go about it. Not until the queen of England at the time decided to wear a white wedding dress. At first only the rich followed and did the same. There was no such thing as bridesmaids and grooms men at first. People back then were very superstitious and thought perhaps bad spirits would attack a newly married couple or even right in the ceremony. So the tradition of having other couples in the wedding party who were dressed up fancy, was thought to confuse bad spirits who now would not have any idea which couple was the one getting married. Also, there was a time when there was no such thing as a wedding. People simply agreed to live as man and wife for a year and upon the anniversary of that agreement, either agreed to try a new year or perhaps get married before a priest or whatever the religious leader was called. These are all parts of a wedding celebration today but back in time, there really was no such thing... kind of where you are currently in your situation. People of today have forgotton what a wedding really used to be like, not as fancy as what people have today.

My suggestions: I read somewhere about a wedding where one of the parents had passed on so a large framed photo was made of them and took up a chair where family would sit for the wedding. It's not your brother in body form but a way to honor and remember. Perhaps he will be able to watch the ceremony, and this way he will know he has been remembered at this special time. I wish you the very best hon.

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Hello. I live in the U.S. with my bf. We're both in our 20s. He has a decent paying job, but we're definitely not rich and rent is very expensive where we live. The problem is that my bf's parents live in a third-world country and they expect him to send money home every week. We used to do it, but we recently had a baby and money is very tight now. We haven't sent them money in a few weeks, and his mother is really angry about this. We decided that I would stop working for a year or so to take care of the baby, but now his mother says I'm the reason why he can't send money anymore. She is really upset and she's blaming me for everything. Also, the other day his sister made a comment saying that my bf shouldn't spend all his money on me because I can always get up and leave. She said I'm not family. I was really hurt by that because I always got along with her and I thought we were pretty close. I'll also add that my bf is the youngest of 5 siblings who are also here in the U.S., so he shouldn't be the ONLY one sending money. The final straw was when his mother called and cursed me out, and then she told him he needs to leave me. He defended me and got into a big argument with her, and they haven't spoken since. I know that things are hard back home, but we have a child that we have to support now. Why are they so angry? I told them we would try to send money when I go back to work, but they want it now. At this point I'm wondering if I'm getting in the way of him and his family. Should we send money knowing that we're going to suffer financially if we do? Or is it ok for him not to have a relationship with his family? I don't know what the solution is

This sounds familier in a way, not for me but my mom. She was from Germany and through letters, met my dad in Canada and from there they moved to the states around the time I was born. I remember her relatives assuming that because she lived in the U.S. that she was rich, all her relatives except her mom believed this. Her mom, my grandma came to visit every summer so she got a good feel for what it is like here. In some places in the world, there is no such thing as plumbing so the fact we have plumbing may make us look rich. However, we have to pay for those utilities, they don't have to pay for plumbing. Any country in the world has the cost for the privileges such as running water, heat in winter and air conditioning in summer and so on. For people who have never had that, its like an Alien trying to explain to us what life is like on their planet, thats how foreign it is to people living in 3rd world countries. I don't think they will ever understand. I do know that what is a little money here is a big deal to people in 3rd world living conditions. You mention other siblings also in US but your husband is, or was the only one sending money. Do his siblings get harassed for not sending money? He might try to talk to them. Perhaps some of them sent a one time chunk of cash when they had extra. Do you know if any of them have ever had to deal with this kind of treatment from family back home whether they give or not? Do his siblings know what the parents are doing and how mad they are. What was given as a gift has spoiled them and they see it as their right to recieve now.
Another time that family acts out of line with family is when there is a death in the family and the person chosen to execute the wishes and split the money and items according to the loved ones will, is a time this happens too. I was executer for my mother. When she died, I had sisters and brother in law fighting for more money with crazy ideas of why more is due to them rather than being split evenly as Mom wanted. When it involves money, the worst in people can come out. All my relatives are okay now, long after the fact but it was Hell for me while happening. I can't say whether in your case, the relatives will come around. So taking care of the parents would be best split 5 ways. Sounds like there is a need to do some in depth talking with his siblings and see if they are willing to all split the cost of what he was sending, each covering an equal amount. So if 100. dollars is a big deal to the parents, then each sibling could put in $20. and 5 times that amount is 100. Twenty would not be as big a hard ship. See if that can be worked out. Otherwise, it is important to take care of your financial needs first and if you only have 10 dollars to send, then do so. If thats not good enough for them and siblings won't help, then your husband will have to decide whether he is willing to live with the consequences if any, of shutting off the family back home. What I don't see is why if 5 family members live in US, why the parents wouldn't emigrate to the US. I suppose there is more family there, brothers and sisters but they too could try to come here. It is not fair of them to expect a handout thinking you are rich enough to do so. However they have nothing to compare cost of living there with here. If you couldn't pay your bills, you risk ending up homeless and would be in same situation almost as the family back home. So you unfortunately must take care of yourselves first.

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I posted on here before with a question ‘I think my mother is holding me back from getting a job’ but the problem has seemingly gotten worse. It’s both parents now being overprotective of me.

So now I’m asking how to deal with overprotective parents?

My parents seemingly don’t want me to get a job, despite me really wanting one. I’m 18M, (19M in a few days) and a college student in the UK; and am autistic (that will become relevant once I explain the situation).

I’m currently seeking my first job- I’d like to have a job in the media industry (where a runner role is typically the default entry level position- runners being the people who run little errands for the more senior production staff))- when I explain this to my parents, they go ballistic and try to encourage me down a different career path and try to dictate my path for me; they’re essentially saying I don’t have enough experience… despite everyone needing to have a first job, so that’s a silly argument really, as well as the fact that these jobs tend to be *entry*-level, as in, for people who are *enter*ing the work world and/or media industry.

They keep trying to use the excuse ‘I don’t think you’re ready’- well, I do. I’m ready for work, I want to work and most importantly, I’m an adult, so I shouldn’t have to rely on them to make my decisions for me- it’s so annoying that they want to control my every move and dictate my career path. They’re advising me to see a career advisor first before apply for first job- but everybody has to start out somewhere- I highly doubt anybody’s first job is what they want to do long-term, so whilst I’d like to work in the media industry further, I wouldn’t want to be a runner forever (would be nice to be a runner even once)….

I may add, this isn’t the only thing they’re overprotective with me about- they never let me go anywhere by myself, I have to really persuade them for them to let me; they always ask my sister (who’s 4 years younger than me, and they let her go wherever she pleases just fine) or my cousin (same age as me) to tag along whereas sometimes I just want my own company, something that so many neurotypicals don’t understand.

For example, one hobby of mine is being in the audience for TV show recordings- sometimes I’d rather go on my own because I don’t want to hear anyone moaning about waiting for so long and also you can explore the area more if you’re on your own and take it in in a way you can’t with multiple people joined to you at the hip.
The problem is- I’m dyspraxic so physically it would be difficult to drive; I’m autistic so buses are too overwhelming noise wise for me; so my parents typically drive me there… and they get annoyed when they have to drive me for the occasional audience recording (even though I’m, by definition, always available at the moment since I don’t have a job) but taxis would be fine, except they think I need more ‘practice’ before stuff like taxis- the only way to practice something is to do it , so they haven’t really thought that one through. But of course I don’t have the money to pay for a taxi since my parents talk me out of all these jobs and say I can’t juggle a job and college. I’m in college 3 days a week… I think I can juggle a part-time job just fine (I genuinely wouldn’t mind working weekends).

I feel the reason they’re so reluctant for me to get a job is due to transport situation- if they get annoyed having to drive me for an occasional recording, then God knows what it would be like with a job… especially since most people within the media industry in the UK are freelancers and jump around from one show to the next, meaning my parents wouldn’t have a set route to drop me there- which would no doubt frustrate them more.

They don’t realise I’m an adult, they don’t treat me as one- they seem to baby me and I think that’s due to my autism as they act completely different with my sister, who’s 15…. she gets treated like a typical child who’s growing up- I get treated as a child full stop (I have a 9 year old sister too and feel like I’m treated more like her than the 15 year old sister… surely according to the law of ages, I should be the least babied of the 3?…)- my parents putting me off trying things I want to do will only hold me back further.

I did have a backup, which was as a remote presenter on a radio station- but with 2 younger siblings at home making background noise, not ideal on a job where people need to hear me clearly so couldn’t even record a little voice demo for the bosses to hear what I sounded like to determine if I’d be a good fit, let alone do a regular show… I did ask my parent whether the garage could be my little ‘office’ for voiceover stuff but they said no. It’s especially annoying with phone calls and Zoom meetings though having all the background noise, especially as I do a weekly Zoom quiz, which I need to tell everyone beforehand to be quiet so I can hear the questions. Now I shouldn’t have to do that- it would be much easier if I had my own space to do it, but alas my parents won’t let me.

I’m tired of me, as an adult, still requiring my parents’ permission for things as simple as going out or applying for jobs…

Your parents are certainly doing you a great disservice. It is clear to see that they are fearful of you not being able to deal with normal every day life and having melt downs due to your Autism. It may have gotten worse because you are growing older and they know that a time is coming when you will want to be on your own. I know that there are different levels of abilities when a person has Autism. Some can be severe. You do not sound like someone with a severe case. You are very articulate and great at communicating in print. Set your parents down and let them know its high time you start going out into the world and try to do things on your own. Its best you do that now because if they haven't thought of it yet, they won't live forever and will pass on long before you do and who will be there for you then.

One step towards independance is taking the public bus. I understand the noise is overwhelming. I don't know if it was you, but I did answer someone before who has dyspraxia and autism and buses are a challenge. I will state again, that the solution to that is wearing head sets that block out sound. Here is a link to what I am talking about

https://greatsounds.org/best-headphones-to-block-out-noise/

I see no reason you can't get out into the work place. If you know what your triggers are, you can do your best to avoid them. If there is no way to avoid, then it is best to have a few coworker friends who will be there to support you if that happens. I know TV shows aren't real life but I can see how occasionally something might happen that cause a meltdown. It could be things like this, the 'what if's ' that your parents worry about. However it is for you to decide who will have your back, someone, a friend who understands your autism but also admires your work skills.
One show, "The Good Doctor" is about a man named Shawn who has Autism and he goes on to become a doctor. One episode has a buzzing light fixture, you know, the annoying sound of bzzzzz that won't stop unless the light tubes are replaced. Well, in this show, Shawn has a meltdown, sinking to the floor with hands covering his ears. His coworkers look around and listen and then figure out its the light and take care of it. These episodes of seeming to have a rough time with something, doesn't bother his coworkers as they practically worship him for how helpful he is with knowledge, and his photographic memory. The same goes for a Korean show I am watching named "Extraordinary Atttorney Woo", her collegues are always turning to her to help when they forget something about a law. No matter what the job, you try different places until you find somewhere where the boss or a coworker will have your back. Don't be afraid to explain that you have Autism and ask for them to give you a trial. You may convince more people to give you a try, which is hard once the un-informed hear the word Autism. Since you are not working anywhere and have the time...perhaps offer to work a week or two for free, they don't have to pay you, just watch to see that you are able to handle the job, despite any occasional meltdown that may happen as long as you have I understanding supporting co workers.

I don't give autism much thought and don't really study it but I find that half the time, I don't really know if a person is on the spectrum if they are high functioning like my husband. Saw a show on "Love on the Spectrum" and was shocked to hear that the woman giving dating advice admitted she was on the spectrum. You are not dis abled but differently abled in some things. You can do what others without Autism can do, and do as well or better, but it can be a hard road teaching yourself how to handle these things. My husband figured those things out himself and no one knows he has it but me, a person who spends a lot of time with him where eventually I will see something that isn't quite how others would handle.Your parents see you every day and so eventually will see things that make them worry about you even if it doesn't happen often as with my husband. I think a support group for parents of a child on the spectrum is something they should try. If they are already doing so, then they need to actively ask for help with how to support and launch an adult child into the adult world. They are having the issues, and it sounds like daily struggle for them. So my guess is they don't have a support group. Find them one if they aren't good at doing searches on the computer, Here is one link that may help and always ask one place if they know of other groups or individuals who can help. It most likely will take a person coming to the home and speaking with your parents, someone who makes routine visits to help with any concerns. This I would say has to be done with your parents.
Then, get that head set, preferably one you can play music that is soothing to you or whatever you'd like and start going on interviews. It sure looks like you have already thought things out and know what jobs are easy entry level jobs. But again, it is imperative to have support people in your life and it can't be your parents, which I know you don't want. But some close friends or coworkers who understand where you are coming from. And it wouldn't hurt to have someone trained to help and counsel on the autism spectrum, a professional. To find such a person, check with your local Department of Social and Health services or whatever the equivalent is in your state. In my state, they are the ones who also have the food stamp program. I used to do caregiving as a job and so I have met many social workers who did different things for my clients, general help and one who was a support to help find work where you would be accepted, knowing you are on the spectrum from the start, and if there are work related issues, like miscommunication, your counselor/social worker autism specialist can step in and help sort things out. If a mentally disabled woman, my client who wasn't autistic could have a a job found for her, that she really liked and she was not mentally able to handle stressful situations, then you can do even better, because even though you are on the spectrum, I don't see autism being something that prevents a person from being able to be a good employee. I hope this all helps you. If you don't have a computer at home, you will need to have a library card and go to your local library to use one for an alloted time, you sign up for. These are things you can easily do, get in some research yourself for help and support for your parents to teach them how to be great support for you and also to find yourself someone to help you in getting employed, a professional support person. If there is anything I have said that comes across insensitive/offensive to you, I don't mean it to. Other than my husband, I really haven't been around someone with autism or on the spectrum to any length of time and myself am untrained on what way to communicate without sounding offensive.

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Few month’s back I was scammed by a fake Broker, He took all my life savings that got me depressed. I felt like my World was crumbling, until I met someone online that told me about txmtech.org , Even though I was skeptical at first due to so many fake online Scammers, but I felt comfortable when I was told by a Specialist that I don’t need to pay a dime till after the recovery process and have my funds returned back to me. I finally gave them a trial and luckily, in less than 2 weeks I had 80% of what I lost back into my wallet and the scammers punished. You can give them a trial maybe you will also come out Happy like me

You did not ask a question that I can see. It seems to only be your wanting to warn others.

There are zillions of scams out there, and whether they put you on the hook for a hundred or life savings, you must be careful.
You didn't ask but I will share what I have done regarding solicitors on cell phone. I recorded my message stating that I get way too many ad calls so I will not be answering any number that I have not put a name or agency name with myself. If just a number shows, they won't get answered. If they want a return call if I may be interested, they can leave me a message to find out. If someone is calling to sell you something, they won't bother. If they want to scam you, they might leave a message but usually don't. Scammers are getting real clever and I think some hack into companies or to see what your spending habits are, much as sites you usually watch on line are tracked and you get ads for the stuff you looked up. I think there had to be a mole in Social Security as I had called for a phone interview to start my benefits and had an appointment. Then two days before my phone appointment, before I put my special message on the phone, I got a recording saying it was the IRS and there was a problem with my account that needed to be resolved and for me to press a certain number to be connected to someone who can help. I hung up quickly and recorded my message. Had my scheduled call, the IRS did not generate that scamming phone message but I find it too much to be coincidence that after I call them for an interview, that someone got my name and number from their records, that I was starting the process with a phone interview and sends a recording telling me a falsehood.

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I'm a 20 year old female. Should I tell my parents about what's been going on with my mental health? Trigger warning engaged: I've been noticing that it's gotten bad and it's gotten to the point where I hurt myself, but I'm not cutting or burning my skin. I feel like I should tell my parents. But I don't want to add more to their plates, especially since my mom has a surgery coming up. I kinda don't want to tell my dad cause he's kinda partially to blame because he's kinda a narcissist and I never feel like I'm good enough for him. A part of me doesn't want to tell my parents because they have said that if I show signs of self-harm, they were going to send me to the hospital. What should I do?

I have known a narcissist in my past. I also have had a verbally abusive husband in my past. Knowing these two people, I learned a few things. You can not share whats going on for you because neither knows how to care about anyone else or more to the point, how to love another person whether a wife, a friend, a child, etc.... Each had their own different reasons causing them to be this way, but I witnessed really terrible tempers on both men. If you are growing up with a parent or sibling like that, you don't have much choice, you are stuck and can't get away. So since you already know about the mental hospital threats, and your dads narcissism, its best not to stir up trouble for yourself. Even if you don't have a mental illness, a counselor is highly important for those who have been the victims. Since you grew up with it, I can't say that some of what triggers you now is or isn't loosely related. But I can say after an abusive marriage, I did need counseling. I had a friend who was a retired counselor so I lucked out getting real help, hearing what I needed to hear like when I was using my coping mechanisms which were no longer needed after my divorce and so on. I know how much it helped me. So even tho your situation isn't the same as mine, I highly recommend you get some counseling. A psychiatrist is one who is licensed to prescribe medications, and that is Not what I am talking about. I am talking about a certain kind of Psychologist trained in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy who is all about teaching and getting you back to great mental health. If you hurt yourself in any way due to your mental stress, that is a cry for help, its a sign you need to find someone. When a child becomes an adult at 18, the only way they qualify to be on their parents insurance is if they are in college, as students usually don't work, or have enough money to afford insurance. You are an adult and your parents do not have to know everything that is going on with you, just regular life or medical and mental issues. They already raised you and have no say in your life. If you choose to approach them and ask for their opinion in anything, or help, that is you using them as a sounding board. The end decision is still yours. Even if your Mom is not a problem in how she treats you, she was never strong enough to leave and divorce your dad. I have seen the statistics for narcisstic people, they cannot have any relationships, certainly not marriage as it is hard on the other person(s) and it destroys relationships. Most split and divorce. So your Mom may have trouble with lack of self esteem or confidence, which a narcissist is good at eroding on people close to them, like family members or will choose to marry someone they feel is a weak person. My ex thought I was a weak person. I gave him 30 yrs of marriage til the kids were raised before I left him. I realize now I should have left earlier as staying has messed with the minds of my children, things they fear, not so good choices in bf, gf, spouses and so on. So believe me and my children that you ARE affected by how and whom you were raised by. I will give you the site of a Psychologist who taught others in CBT but not all Drs. are trained in that. Look for that, or don't go see anyone who isn't into CBT, because basically, our thoughts are connected much to our emotions so our cognitive abilities (thoughts) will affect our behaviors and that is why people need training based on what they suffer from and excercises to help them get over it. You have to be diligent in doing the steps, whatever they are to get better. I had to do that to get over social anxiety. Now I am so happy to be free of that, it's like I am making up for lost time and you can't shut me up now! LOL. Your Mom doesnt need to know, but not because she is going into surgery, I just remembered that so telling you now. Just as there is no such thing as half way or kinda pregnant, there is no such thing as kind of narcissist. You either are or aren't. There may be differences in each person affected, but since you did mention it, I feel its a bigger deal than you want to admit. But it's nothing that reflects on you dear. The only thing anyone could ever blame you for is not getting help for yourself. It won't be easy. It will take getting insurance, or secretly using parents insurance and making sure Dr.s realize the parents don't know and you don't want them to know and be honest as to why. Even so, there is such a thing as the Hippa law which means your treatment and why you needed it is kept private and not shared with anyone unless you tell them. If this is your situation, get and pay for your own p.o. box and give that address to any medical care place and the mailing address. They will always ask if they should call only you or speak to anyone else on your behalf. If you don't have a job, are low income, you might want to see if you qualify for low cost or free health care. You could go to a DSHS or what ever the equivalent is called in your area, its Department of Social and Health services. That is where people can get food stamps, or help with a bill pay, and appt with someone who can help set in place what you need to get seen by a professional. If not living at home, they may know of programs you can sign up for, support groups,anything that may help you. I hope you are able to get the help you need. Once you are in a good place mentally, if still living at home, its best to be away from Dad, so I mean living separate which is hard in this economy but do-able if you can find roommates and get an apt.
't

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Hello! I am 14 (f) and my little sister is 12. Recently i walked into her room and saw her abruptly do something on her phone and when I asked why she was acting weird she said she was just watching a t.v show. I did a little snooping and found that she was searching "hard wattpad smut" on tiktok. It's very damaging to see that stuff at such a young age (even at my age) i want to talk to her about it but i don't know where to begin or if talking to her is even a good idea at all. I don't want to tell my parents as i feel it would harm her trust in me/they would handle it insensitively. Also she knows that im am bisexual and she has kept that secret from my parents so i feel that if i tell on her she will spill my true sexuality. what should i do?? Please help!

She lied about what she was watching, so she can also lie about no longer using sites like that. I was a teen once. I know how easy it is to lie when scared because something I said or did was brought out into the open. She lied because her conscience was telling her she was doing something she shouldn't.
I am surprised that parental controls have not been used on her phone, they should be. That way, next time she tries to get on to sites that are not appropriate for age, she won't be able to connect.
I don't know how that all works, just that it exists. Cell phones were just coming out as my kids went through HS. And we only brought just for ourselves so we never had to think about cells and blocking sites. Here is one site that is supposed to explain how to use parental controls:
https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT201304

I feel this would be the best solution to this tricky situation.

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I feel like my mother is holding me back from getting a job

First things first, I know she’s just looking out for me but I feel like she’s babying me. For context I have autism and a couple of other medical conditions. I’m currently studying media production in the United Kingdom and am searching for jobs in the TV industry (trying to juggle a job with college so that once I am done with college in 2023, I’ll still have something I’ll be doing) which is proving difficult but I’m going to work as hard as I can to try and get there- but my mum doesn’t seem to think any of these jobs are a good fit (as I’m very much an introvert) and just nitpicks them and nitpicks my ambitions or says I can’t juggle both.

So what? She also wonders how I’d be able to get there (I’m dyspraxic so physically can’t drive and public transport is far too loud for me) without her driving me there- taxis are fine! And she feels like because I’m very quiet, I’d be incapable of speaking to the taxi driver to tell him the location I want him to drive me to (I’m a shy introvert, not a mute!) and seems to be somewhat overprotective rather than letting me just do my own thing- at times it’s like she doesn’t realise I’m an adult man now (only just, at 18 but still). It’s weird because my younger sister (aged 14) she lets do far more independent stuff for some reason. It feels like she doesn’t want me to ever go anywhere unsupervised (even though she’s fine with my sister doing so) but the fact is I’m really not a ‘go out’ type of person and if I do it’s just for a quiet walk in the morning (that’s why I loved lockdown- nobody else around) so i find it so bizarre that my mother is protective of me but lets my sister do whatever she pleases. In fact when i first started going on my lockdown walks, she even asked me to bring my sister with me even though those walks were supposed to be an escapism. It’s like she’s trying to lead me down, not just a career path that she personally thinks would suit me, but also a life path, rather than simply allowing me to do my own thing.

After meeting my 2nd husband, he told me he was likely a high functioning autistic. He was the first child and couldn't stand to be held by his Mom because he felt her intense feelings of Love. Anyone else could hold him. Later in life, through parents marriage counseling, the counselor met with each kid one at a time and was so interested he became a mentor to my husband as a child and I believe that helped him to challenge himself to ovrecome as much of what might identify him as being on the spectrum. In fact most people don't know. What I have learned is that there is no exact standard of what to expect from an autistic person as they can be all over the place in abilities or what they struggle with. Your Mom only knows what she has seen and experienced with you and Moms do worry about their kids, even when they are grown adults, and much older adults. I am a Mom so I know that. With your Mom, it is harder for her especially when she sees how introverted you are, how shy and quiet, and then she worries if there is anything that might upset you enough to have a meltdown. I do not know if it would give her peace of mind to know you live on your own with a room mate who understands your autism and can be a help or someone on the spectrum themselves. There is only so much reassuring you can give in words to her. But this is your life. So only you can know when you have found the right job or job position that is easier for you t handle. Go for what you feel you have interest in. When the day comes you are in your dream job, if you can't handle it, try for something different and know you have not failed, you merely eliminated one job possibility. I know a guy without being on spectrum, going back to school and changing his degree half a dozen times or more. Sometimes on a yearly basis when he showed up with a brother in law for Thanksgiving, he was pursuing something different than the year before. I dont know if this is such a thing but having a counselor trained to work with autistic people whom you could call for help when you need help figuring something out, would be a good thing...as your Mom won't live forever and there will come a time when you will need someone understanding to turn to. There is always private drivers such as Uber and Lyft, or whatever the equivalent is in the UK but that can get expensive for you, so the goal long term is to end up in a job where there is a bus you can take and buy a set of ear protection, not the little ear buds, they only dampen noise a little but the head set that covers your ears so you don't hear a thing. Many people choose these to wear to plug into their phone and listen to their music, and its used by those who use a shooting range to protect the ears. This would help with your not wanting to hear noise from public transportation. So subway, train, bus, it would work there. And ideas like that are what you need to help you start living your life. You need someone whom you can rely on. go for your dreams but there will be decisions you need to make and bouncing your ideas off Mom will not do. You need someone positive who doesn't see autism as something that will hold you back, but just that you need to do things differently sometimes than others. I wish you the best in your future.

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