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Tired of being disrespected
My son just turned 20 and even before he turned this age he's been disrespecting me and his 16 yr old sister and 8 yr old brother, I'm so tired of the negativity and him being hateful and mean non stop. He has ADHD but claims the reason he's a jerk is because of his anger supposedly stemming from his ADHD. I'm over the pain and hurt from him, I don't know what else to do, he has a job and brings in some money but doesn't drive yet because of his own preferences..I really need some help and some suggestions. Thanks
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At his age, he is an adult and you can no longer force him to do anything, even if it was to help him. However, you are the homeowner, so you can do the same as other parents of college age kids still living at home, set down some rules. And yes, I realize that the economy being what it is, that the majority of young adults find a need to stay in their parents home. But that is no excuse, and neither is ADHD for treating some one badly. I suffered all that you are suffering but it was from my first husband, so I left him. In your situation, you are the homeowner so you need to be able to stick with tough love and give him boundaries which if he steps over, he must leave. If he refuses to follow rules and refuses to leave, police must be called to remove him and a restraining order put in. That is where the tough love comes in, so he can't just worm his way back.
You do not mention a partner so I assume this is a single parent home. So it may be a good thing to find a support group of other adults with the same situations. I found one so far by searching online although they put an age restriction of age 50 and up. [Link](Mouse over link to see full location) Its for parents of Toxic adult children.
And next, an article written to help break free of toxic manipulations, the closest I could find to your situation.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
This got me thinking that therapy is a good thing for you and the rest of your family. Yes, it would be good if your son went to therapy but at this point, sounds like it's gone on for years and I know from the counseling I got, even though I wasn't the one causing trouble in my marriage, that everyone gets affected in ways that can be subtle sometimes but still dangerous and destructive to your life. So perhaps use the 'find a therapist' button and let them know of your situation and perhaps they can even steer you to a support group.
Lastly, I have heard a few stories of times when ADHD or something else was blamed for or assumed to be part of the cause of bad hurtful behavior. I read the bible and there are stories there plus those of people from modern times where once a person was okay, but over time, something changed, and an evil force was able to gain a foothold in a persons life. There is more of a spiritual battle going on than you would believe and yes, even to the point of family turning on members of family they love but in a moment when in the grips of that evil (like a spirit of anger) even killing can happen. So if you attend a church, let them know whats happening and have them help pray to Jesus for a change in your son's life. If you do not attend anywhere, start looking and check if a church has deliverance ministries. You'd have to convince the son to attend unless someone is willing to come to your home. Best to at least check on that and if it turns out, nothing was found, then you can check out more on the Drs. end of things. It could be something other than ADHD that wasn't discovered back when. Last possibility is that the son is exercizing his will and being stubborn, choosing to simply continue behaving this way because he's gotten away with it for so long, think of the battle of wills that start when a child is young like age 2. Yes, it starts early. One daughter at that age was in high chair eating. When she was done, she simply threw her food on the floor, yet I was in the same room but back turned to her. I told her to make some noise or call saying "Mommy" or "done" which she was able to do at that time.I told her that when people drop something on the floor, they have to clean up their mess. Took her out of chair, wet a sponge, placed her hand upon it and held it there while basically just smear the food around on the floor all while she squawked and fought me about doing that. Then I thanked her for helping clean up her mess, released her and finished cleaning up for real. She never ever threw food on the floor again and learned to follow rules I laid out. I never asked something harder than age could handle. I am not sharing and saying you did not do right by your child when he was young, it is just an example that at any age, there can and will be a battle of wills and no matter how tired you get of it, the first mistake, which I will admit to once or twice, is backing down and not enforcing a rule, and basically letting a child 'get away with' bad behavior. And I have seen how just doing so once, the child remembers how they got away with something and repeats the bad behavior again and again. My last child was the most strong willed and her Sunday school teacher told me she reminded her of her own daughter who was a handful to deal with at times. She didn't want to offend but said if I ever wanted tips as to what worked for her, just to ask. I asked right then and there. It ended up her personality was the kind where She stubbornly wanted to make the decisions herself all the time. So with her, she was give two choices, the one we wanted her to choose and what the rewards would be, or the choice of refusing to do so, like a bedtime, and not getting to watch TV and get dessert the next day after dinner. We had to be ready to let her choose to break the rule we set in place. But this kid was smart and reasoned quickly that one choice had bad consequences for her and she never choice it again and we never had the battles and tantrums from her ever again. There are so many things that are best to do with young kids so they have a chance at becoming fairly decent adults. But it is really hard, and not every person learns as a parent that there is a better way to handle their children. I am a grandma now and still wishing I had done some things differently with my kids when they were growing up. But all I can do now is pray. So lastly, that is something you can do or ask other people who are Christians, and do pray, to do for you. This last thing I write about is hard because I want to see instant answers and as the parent of adult children, I can see where each is doing something I feel is not in their best interest, yet I continue to pray for them cus I know God answers prayer (just in His own time and in His own way) I will pray for your situation as well.
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