I live in Central Wisconsin. I am married and we have two daughters. In 1997 I earned my degree in psychology from the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point. In my spare time I study psychology and philosophy.
Gender: Male
Location: Stevens Point, WI
Occupation: Phlebotomy Coordinator (Clinical Laboratory)
Age: 35
Member Since: October 19, 2005
Answers: 118
Last Update: January 24, 2010
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Background info: Recently my dad has Started webcaming with "people" he has met online. He says that they are "guys" from other countrys that are nice nd he just talks with.
the other night i was sitting in the living room watching t.v && on my computor. my dad was also in the living room on his computor on webcam. He coverd the side of his face and I saw him blow the camra a kiss TWICE!. && the night before someone had sent him a kissy message the ones that make a kissy sound. I dont care what anyone thinks but I consider this cheating. weather its emotional cheating or actual sex cheating its still cheating.
Now im positive my mom doesnt know about this but I cant be the one to tell her.
Background info on my mom: Shes really old almost sixty has battled cancer for 6 years and if I tell her thiis She WONT be able to handle it i just know that....
Question: What do I do. I don't know how to handle this information. all I could do was cry. I was so mad that he would have the nerve to do that with me in the room. I dont even know if there is a right answer to what i should do but this has really emotionaly screwd with me. I have bad enough trust isues in relationships and now I just feel like theres absolutely no hope! what do i dooo please help. (link)
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As hard as it is for you to accept, your parents' relationship with each other is not your responsibility and not your business. The moment you get involved with your parent's marriage, you will find both of them resenting you: Dad will resent you for ratting him out, and Mom will resent you for being the bearer of such devastating news. You will get caught in the middle. What your dad is doing is wrong, but I'm mostly worried about you. Is there someone you trust that you can confide in? Someone close to the family might be able to give you more informed advice.
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19/f
I am 19 and my parents dont really allow me to do much. I feel like a child. My friends all make fun of me for being under such close watch and not being allowed to go places and do things like most 19 or 18 year old do, because i always have to ask my parents and hope that they will permit me to do something... I have no freedom. I've fairly recently gotten in trouble for trying to go out, because I said so, and I was like... its time to stop being controlled by my parents and get out and have some fun.
I had to deceive my parents so that i could do what i wanted to do. I couldn even leave the house without my mom looking out the door to see who was picking me up and to see if they were there yet...etc.... I didnt know my mom was going to follow me to the door, so that foiled my plan. I was going to walk up the road, but my mom was like "no, tell your friend to come pull up infront of the door". And then she saw that it was a male friend and not the female friend i told her it was. I got in a lot of trouble and got yelled at and lectured.. Now my parents say they dont trust me and i cant go anywhere or do anyyything. My friends say "you're 19, you can do what you want....etc."..
I want to know if it would be f***ed up or not if I were to just slip out the house and move one day and not tell my parents anything until I get there. I want to live with a certain guy, but, i mean, when i am ready to move in with him and when i'm sure thats what i want to do. And I will call my parents from my new residence, or better yet text them and be like "umm.... yeah.... i moved..."
They dont even want me meeting with this guy. They dont want me to meet with no guy or do anything. And I am so tired of my parents! I need to get away from them! I'm not going to even bother with introducing them to the guy, because they wont want me with him cuz he's 22 and i told my mom a little bit about him and she's like "you dont need to be with him. you dont need to be with anybody. You need to focus on school and focus on gettin yourself together first (work on myself in terms of anxiety problems etc.)" They just want to keep me as their boyfriend-less child for as long as they possibly can.
And I dont want to bother with telling them i plan on moving out. So do you think it would be messed up if i just moved out, and in with this guy, and just told them about it after the fact? Just so they know what happened to me.. and that way they cant do anything about it (link)
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Most of your description focuses on your parents' overprotectiveness and your desire to get out from under their thumb and be your own person. I completely identify with that and I believe you should focus on finding your own place and moving out.
On a separate note you want to move in with this guy. I am wondering if you are making that decision based more on your desire to move out than your desire to live with this guy. If you are looking for independence, you are better off getting a roommate for starters, so you have your own place. What will you do if you break up with this guy? Move back in with your parents? Your situation will be more stable if you find a roommate.
I know you want to stick it to your folks, I did too, but be careful not to burn that bridge. They can continue to be an excellent resource and form of support. Going out on your own has it's challenges and surprises. It would be nice for you to be able to call them up and ask for help on how to do something without having to work around that awkward way in which to plan to part company.
I think your best plan would be to tell them you're going to move out and ask them if they would like to help you find a place. That might help both of you---you get their expertise in selecting a domicile, and they get to feel like they have some influence over where you end up living, which will go a long way toward relieving them of the inevitable separation anxiety they will experience.
Realize their overprotectiveness comes not from a lack of trusting you, but instead a lack of trusting the world "out there". They probably watch the evening news too much and have a distorted view of the world teenagers inhabit.
Try to be patient with them, but also firm. Stand your ground, but resist the temptation to "teach them a lesson" by disappearing. You feel hurt by their overprotectiveness and it's natural to want to hurt them back.
Keep thinking it through, as you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You'll be fine.
Dr. Chad
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My parents want to come and spend the night at my house. I have told them hundreds of times that they have really nasty habits (like not washing their hands after using the bathroom then touching food and not taking baths but once a week). Then they come and bring roaches with them (unintentionally of course) from their house, that they refuse to clean. (Then they ask why we don't visit them at their house. Last time we went I got a glass from the cabinet to get some water to drink and it had roach eggs and spiderwebs in it.)I have to treat them like children and tell them how to do things properly. I do not like them giving my kids food because I don't know where their hands have been. When I do tell them that they need to clean up their act, they get offended and blame it on this or that (a line of bull). Then my dad gets mad at me and says sarcastic comments (like I'm sorry we are not perfect like you). I never said I was perfect, I just don't want them to teach my kids ( 2 & 6 yrs. girls) bad habits. They need to be able to look up to them and be proud. Nothing I do seems to help. They never listen, when I'm trying to tell them something they always take it the wrong way. Then they act jealous of other family members (ex: why can u go visit them and not us?). Last time they stayed over night the room had to be cleaned because it smelled after they left. I can't take much more of this, I don't know what else to do other than just start avoiding them. I have put up with this for years, Please help... (link)
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You are ashamed of your parents. You are ashamed, and I accept that. You are okay for feeling that way. In a way, your parents deserve that.
You are afraid that your parents' faults will affect your children.
You are old enough to see your parents' faults for what they are: poor hygiene, poor housekeeping, low standards of living.
Your parents may be guilty of not taking better care of themselves.
However, your children are too young (even at 6 years old) to pass judgement on your parents. At this age, they are taking cues from you.
Since your parents have the problems you described, they most likely had these sorts of problems when you were a kid, so I completely understand your desire as a parent provide a better environment for your children.
I believe you are a better parent to your children than your parents were to you.
Having said that, I think that because your children are going to naturally, innocently love their grandparents unconditionally, and because they have a natural need to cultivate relationships with their extended family, I think you need to frame your concerns and questions in terms of what's best for your children (emotionally, not hygienically.)
As far as hygiene is concerned, it's a good practice to wash your hands and whatnot (I work in a clinical laboratory!), but the strength of a child's immune system is dependent upon their exposure to therapeutic levels of environmental pathogens. This is how they build up immunities.(My wife is an R.N.)
I guess my advice to you is to let go of your past experiences with your parents and see the larger picture, which is that emotionally, your parents have much to offer your kids, and you are potentially hurting everyone by denying that relationship.
Best of luck.
Dr. Chad
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Hi there! Hoping you can give me a bit of advice.
I'm a single mother of two kids, working full-time and going to college part-time. Shortly after I got divorced (2002)my little brother moved in with me to help me out. About a year ago, my parents bought a house and rent it to us. We split the rent and all bills evenly.
In September of this year, my brother lost his job. Since the economy is so bad, he's had a really hard time finding work, and takes whatever job he can to make extra cash, but can't find a full-time job. So, for the past 4 months, I've been paying all of his bills, except for rent (which my parents are paying for him). He's racked up around $800 that he owes me. And I'll probably never see a dime of that.
He helps out sometimes, by watching my kids for me while I run to the store. And just the other day he fixed a water leak in our house. But for the most part, he sleeps, eats my food, watches cable tv that I pay for and plays video games. The only time he cleans up around the house (including doing his own dishes) is when I get onto him about it. He was promised a job by my boss, but construction is slow right now and they don't need him full-time yet. So instead of seeking other employment, he stays at home doing whatever. He's receiving unemployment money, but I haven't seen any of it and neither has my mom.
When I talk to my parents about him, they seem to think that I should just deal with it. But this is driving me absolutely CRAZY! I have no money! I couldn't get my kids much for Christmas.
I was told by my parents that if I kick him out, they will make me pay the entire amount of rent, which I can't afford. I'm so confused about what to do. Should I just deal with this?
(link)
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Thank you for your question. Keep in mind that my answer is based only on what you told me. Your brother moved in "to help you out", which means he was there to help you when you were experiencing a major life change. You describe him babysitting and fixing things in your home, all noble behaviors.
Your brother lost his job in September, which can have unseen effects on someone's self-esteem and overall psychological health. If you have any history of mental illness in your family, losing a job could trigger the onset of depression. Once again, I need to make some assumptions about your brother, such as the assumption that to some extent he identified himself with his job and he measured his self-worth by the quality of his work and size of his paycheck. He has lost the foundation of his independent, adult life. I don't suppose he feels particularly good about having to rely on his big sister for financial assistance, and the burden of having to repay it when he's out of work may be affecting his behavior around you as well (perhaps he resents your enviable position as a gainfully employed mother of two who is in college).
Having said all of that, you probably think I'm siding with him. I am not. I'm just making some observations. It's also entirely possible that he is an opportunist who moved in after your divorce so he'd have someone to split the bills with, and only helps you out from a sense of obligation rather than familial support. Perhaps he doesn't really care that he lost his job, and he's glad for the opportunity to mooch off of you.
My advice is that you decide if either of these descriptions fits your brother, and act accordingly. If he needs your support to lift him out of this slump, then I would suggest you return the favor he paid you when you got divorced--and "be there for him". If he's just a bum, a "loser", as you put it, then you need to have a difficult but necessary conversation with him about your feelings. Many incorrect assumptions are made based on observed behavior alone. Open, honest communication has a way of dispelling the misperceptions and setting the relationship on a new course.
If you need a means of sympathizing with him, remember that you are blessed with two beautiful children, a noble source of income, and a bright future following college. He has none of this. Bachelorhood is lonely enough; unemployment amplifies the loneliness; and a mere high-school diploma limits career opportunities in this bleak economy.
Regards,
Dr. Chad
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Im 16f. I have one brother that is eighteen in December and one sister that is 10. Anyhow, my brother just graduated and is the jerk of the house. He is the troublemaker, he bums around the house most days, backtalks, blasts his music, does what most teenage boys do. He does have a job now that he goes to most days which is a plus on my behalf. Hes not around much anymore so hes not really a problem to me now.
But, My sister is a momma's baby, she talks to my mom as if she is still three most of the time, my mom is her personal chef and waitress when she is around, and she gets her way practically all the time. Heres where the main problem comes in, i'll give an example of something that actually happened: My sister accidently hits me with a tennis ball she is throwing around, and in defense i say "hey". My mom gives me heck because I 'yelled' at my sister, and then my sister goes 'haha' and so i gently bump her on her butt. Then my sister throws a fit (she gets mad instantly sometimes when she is tired) and starts hitting me with the tennis ball, so i grab her hand so she cant hit me, which ends up in me getting yelled at for holding her hands.
Its just so frustrating when i get in trouble for stuff i didnt do. My mom said i was backtalking to her today and got a bit frustrated at me, when she asked if i knew where the remote was and i said 'no. I havnt used it all day'.
My sister never gets in trouble because she is the youngest and my brother just gets told 'not to do something' even though he just does it again a while later.
It just gets on my nerves. I try ignoring my sister when she does have her 'tired/mad' times, but she usually ends up smacking me and then i have to hold her hands, if you know what I mean.
What things can i try to show my mom that she is really the instigator, and im just defending myself. (link)
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This will sound too simple to try, but try it a few times:
When your sister "acts out", don't "react" to her. Instead, go to your mother and in a calm, grown-up, reasonable voice, ask: "[Little sister} just [describe behavior]. How do you recommend I handle it?"
You've accomplished several things:
1. You didn't match action for action, which is what a child would have done.
2. You've put your mother in a position to teach you how to respond to your little sister's behavior, which will make her feel like you still need her wisdom and advice.
3. You've definitely shown yourself to be mature rather than immature.
4. If your mother gives you advice on how to respond to your sister, and you follow it diligently, your mother cannot hold you responsible for the consequences. After all, you're only doing what she told you.
Right now, you're letting your little sister and mother call the shots. They are in control, because you always react to their behavior, rather than making them react to yours. If you go to your mom for advice, and sound reasonable enought that she takes you seriously, then you are the one in control, and both your sister and mom have to react to your reasonable, mature behavior.
Let me know how it goes!
Regards,
Dr. Chad
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I have a step brother that is 5 and we see him alot since incidentally we live next door to my dad and step mom (weird i no...) and every time he sees my mom pull in the drive way he shouts her name and only wants her and ignors me. same with if he is playing with my brother he only wants him. I dont know if he doesnt like me or what? What can i do so he will want me instead? (link)
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Your step brother is seeking a mother figure, and for some reason sees it in your mom rather than in his mom. You can't compete with that and shouldn't try to. On the other hand, you can be a sister to him, as long as you know your place in his life. Be his sister, not his mother. He is lucky to have a step-sister who loves him enough to post this question.
Dr. Chad
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16/f My dad won't let me get my license until I turn 17. I don't think this is fair. I've been driving (with a learners permit) for a year now. I'm like the perfect daughter, and I make mostly A's in school. I've never gotten in any serious trouble. And I really need my license because my parents hate driving me everywhere, and so I'm always stuck at home and I feel so..restrained? I don't know if thats the right word. But it's been really depressing me, seeing as ALL my friends are or have gotten their license when they turn(ed) 16. But I'm the only one who won't be getting mine. I cry all the time when I think about it, I want my license soo badly. How can I talk my dad into letting me get my license? I need some good, real answers. Thanks. (link)
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Please don't rate me low--I don't have any advice for you, but I thought you might want to know why your dad is being so unfair. It has nothing to do with your driving or your maturity, and it isn't for lack of merit. I suspect he is just "irrationally" afraid you are going to be seriously injured or killed in an accident, and right now he can't bring himself to take responsibility for giving you permission to drive. He knows he can't keep you from behind the wheel forever, so he's just stalling by saying you have to be 17. Perhaps he's hoping that by your 17th birthday he will have worked up the courage to give you the keys and kiss you goodbye.
Perhaps if you described your "insight" into his private fear, and then told him you understand and can wait until 17, he will feel bad for holding you back and come around on his own. It's kind of a longshot, but it's worth a try. Sometimes changing somebody requires a paradoxical approach.
Dr. Chad
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alright, first off i should tell you about my self. i am a 14 year old female, and i have never believed in god, or any of that stuff. ever. my whole family is majorly relgious, and im not. in most cases i am completely different from my family, so it didnt supprise me when i really didnt believe in god.
i dont believe in him, at all, what so ever. and my parents FORCE me too. like i HAVE to go to classes and church every week. i have tried to calmyly tell them, i dont believe in it.. i have tried uncalmly. nothing works.
i believe that religion is a thing that you should choose, it shouldnt be force.
so i need ya'lls help.
how can i really get them to see that i do not believe in this stuff?
i want to come across mature.
thanks for all that is going to help. (link)
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As a true-blue atheist, I feel deeply for your predicament. I think the problem with your parents isn't that they don't believe you could be an atheist, but that they won't accept you as an atheist.
My parents allowed us to choose whether or not to attend church after we were sixteen years old. My family went to church EVERY Sunday--my mom was the choir director. I still went now and then, but that's because I still believed in God. I didn't become a full-bore, through-and-through atheist until about two years ago---although I've had my doubts for years and did a lot of research on the topic before making my decision.
My point is, as long as you "live under their roof", you have to obey their rules. As true believers in God, your parents feel responsible for the welfare of your soul, and to ask them to give up on you ought to be impossible of them. I'm certain my parents, if they had the opportunity, would push a button and convert me back into a Christian, because THEY SINCERELY BELIEVE IN GOD AND JESUS AND CHRISTIANITY, THE WHOLE BALL OF WAX, UNQUESTIONINGLY. You can't argue with someone like that. All you can do is wait until you have the freedom to choose for yourself.
Dr. Chad
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Well, I was born in Europe and then I moved here in America. My family and I had to start all over again. My parents had to find new jobs, buy a new home, cars and everything. Now, we're living life like normal people and we have more then most people.
Neather of my parents went to collage because thier families couldn't afford it back thenI love my mom to death but I feel like she's working soo hard just to make us happy. My dad had a great job and he's very happy with it but I feel so sorry for my mom. She cleans for a living.. I know it's sad but I feel so bad. Sometimes I just wish I was more supportive and that I didn't argue with her so much because she works SO hard for us & at times I can be ungrateful for the things I have but I always want more.
Since she didn't go to collage, is there any way she can get a new and better job. She always talks to me about how she just wants me & my brother to do good in school and someday that we will be very succesful. I don't want her to wake up everyday for the next 20 years going to work and clean! I want my mom to be happy just like we are and not have to do what she hates for the rest of her life.
I try to be a great kid and not argue and help out but I'm just a regular 14 year old teenager and it's normal to fight with parents but after that I feel soo bad and sorry for her.
Any advice on this? I get tears in my eyes just thinking about her. I want her to be happy and do something that she loves. I want her to get a better job but that seems to be hard for her. (link)
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Many paths lead to happiness in life. Perhaps your Mom doesn't have the greatest career, but it sounds as if she isn't counting on her job to give meaning and happiness to her life.
Rather, she is counting on her children for that. For her, working hard and earning money is worthwhile if it provides the opportunity for you and your brother to achieve more than she was able to.
The key phrase in your description is, "She always talks to me about how she just wants me & my brother to do good in school and someday be very successful."
That is how you can help her be happy. She lives for you and through you, which is not uncommon for parents, even the ones with wildly successful careers.
You are a wonderful daughter and your Mom is very proud of you. Just keep doing what you're doing, and everything will be fine. You have a good heart, and your mom is very lucky to have a daughter who loves her so much.
Dr. Chad
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I'm married, and my husband and I rent a house from my parents. I'm 20, and my husband is 21. They've been pretty generous by offering us the house over other renters, and giving us a lower rent. They insist of holding a copy of the house key for emergencies, which is fine with me.
Here's the problem. Lately, they've been letting themselves in without knocking. After my husband and I come home from work and put the baby in bed, we tend to sit around...not completely clothed. More than once now, they've caught us like this; once just walking around naked and twice being intimate.
But maybe worse, they let themselves in when we're not home. I don't think they mean any harm, but they come in, look around, borrow our stuff, and clean.
I'm afraid that they'll find something they don't like and kick us out. I feel that we're adults, and we pay rent, so we deserve some privacy. Am I right that we should have privacy? If so, how should I go about talking to my parents? I don't want to make them feel bad, since I think they're just trying to help. (link)
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You, your husband, and your parents should sign a legally binding lease agreement. A lease gives you certain legal rights as a tenant, including the right to change the locks and not give the owner a key. The owner has no legal right to enter your apartment without your consent. Most people do not realize this. Anyway, sign the contract, and if they don't take the hint from that, go one step further and change the locks. Give the "emergency" key to a neighbor or friend.
The lease agreement also protects you from being wrongfully evicted. The only way they could evict you is by having a judge sign the eviction papers, and a judge won't sign for the wrong reason.
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My sister is my guardian and she told me last year that if my grades arent great then im going to a christian school..Now my grades havent been great and now i have to go but i realllllly dont want to.. so how can i convince her to let me stay in my school?.. this christian school is very small and has a really strict dress code! HELP ME!! ASAP! (link)
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There's nothing you can do now. You missed your chance. But don't blame your sister--she has your best interest at heart. She feels you need to learn discipline and Christian values. She gave you a chance to improve your grades, and you apparently chose not to take her seriously. This school will teach you the importance of self-discipline, so that the next time somebody gives you a chance, you'll know enough to take it. Fasten your seatbelt.
Dr. Chad
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my life at home is hell all i get from my sis is abuse all me n my bro do is ague and fight my mum wont talk 2 me she never speaks 2 me about anythink never asks me if im alright never tells me she loves me never just asks hows my day been always sends me out the room and speaks 2 my sisters friends wont ever talk 2 me about anythink blames me for everythink buys my sis everythink always talks 2 her lets my bro off with everythink if i do what my bro does i will get smacked for it but if my bro does it then its ok(MY BRO CANT COMPRAMISE WITH ME MY SIS CANT BE NICE TO ME AND MY MUM CANT COMMUNICATE WITH ME ) H.E.L.P PPPPLLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEE (link)
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"I AM CONVINCED THAT LIFE IS TEN PERCENT WHAT HAPPENS TO ME AND NINETY PERCENT HOW I REACT TO IT." -Charles Swindoll
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Ok. 13/m. I don't know if this question goes under Families or Work/School Relationships. Sorry it's so long. I'm really worried for my sister (14/f). She just found her first date at school this year. They went to the movies and all. My sister was just sitting there waiting for him to do something. She had her arm on the armrest the whole time waiting for him to hold it or something. She bought Junior Mints "just in case"---didn't use a single one. She could've talked to me. I've been asking and answering Advicenator questions for months now. I pretty much know what's going to happen and the pains she's going to feel. But no. She doesn't like to tell me stuff. Instead, she tells our cousin, who has serious boy problems. Boys rule her life. Her Bat Mitzvah was ruined because her newest ex was there. She couldn't enjoy Avenue Q because one of her exes liked it. She has serious issues. I know that. My parents know that. My sister just doesn't seem to get it, so she talks to her for advice.
My cousin is saying things like "Well, if he doesn't want to hold your hand, he must not be right. Dump him." or "Try rushing him, that usually works for me." I eavesdrop on their conversations because I'm concerned. I want her to listen to me. I've gotten chances to talk to her which I of course took advantage of, but she refuses to understand. She doesn't believe that she'll face hate, jealousy, rejection, etc. I felt most of it first-hand, but as for the parts actually IN the dating, I couldn't get that far. She doesn't think I know enough. Just because I'm younger and haven't actually dated doesn't mean that I haven't felt jealousy and rejection, I haven't been extremely depressed, etc.
How can I get her to listen to me? Thanks.
By the way, don't say to write in a diary. I'm already doing that, but my parents confiscated it last night for writing after dark. (link)
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Most people will reject unsolicited advice.
Try this:
1. Stop offering advice she hasn't asked you for.
2. Apologize for being so nosy and sounding like a know it all.
3. Promise not to push any more advice onto her.
4. Make her one offer: If she ever wants an honest male point-of-view, you are there for her.
5. If she ever takes you up on your offer, first LISTEN TO HER patiently and carefully, and when you finally give her your point of view, use language that shows you are on her side and you support whatever choice she makes after listening to you.
OH, I'VE GOT AN EVEN BETTER IDEA!
6. Ask HER for advice. Listen carefully to her, don't argue with her, and thank her for her advice. Not only does she know things that you don't, but you will be demonstrating the very behavior you would like to elicit from her. TRY THIS!!
I am most interested in you trying #6 exclusively. Simply stop offering her advice. Don't even mention her boy troubles, or her conversations with her cousin. Since you haven't dated yet, perhaps she can offer you insight into the feminine psyche. If you soak up all her advice and put it to good use, she might get jealous that you're getting all these benefits from her and she might want you to RETURN THE FAVOR and actually ASK YOU for advice in return.
Give it time, like a month or so, to develop. Otherwise she'll figure you out and be offended that you appear to be manipulating her.
It isn't manipulation, by the way. Its just an attempt to effect a change in the dynamic of your relationship and can be mutually beneficial if you each receive advice from the other. Manipulation is one-sided, after all.
Good luck, and please let me know how it goes. I'm very curious.
Dr. Chad
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