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Why won't my sister listen to me?
Ok. 13/m. I don't know if this question goes under Families or Work/School Relationships. Sorry it's so long. I'm really worried for my sister (14/f). She just found her first date at school this year. They went to the movies and all. My sister was just sitting there waiting for him to do something. She had her arm on the armrest the whole time waiting for him to hold it or something. She bought Junior Mints "just in case"---didn't use a single one. She could've talked to me. I've been asking and answering Advicenator questions for months now. I pretty much know what's going to happen and the pains she's going to feel. But no. She doesn't like to tell me stuff. Instead, she tells our cousin, who has serious boy problems. Boys rule her life. Her Bat Mitzvah was ruined because her newest ex was there. She couldn't enjoy Avenue Q because one of her exes liked it. She has serious issues. I know that. My parents know that. My sister just doesn't seem to get it, so she talks to her for advice.
My cousin is saying things like "Well, if he doesn't want to hold your hand, he must not be right. Dump him." or "Try rushing him, that usually works for me." I eavesdrop on their conversations because I'm concerned. I want her to listen to me. I've gotten chances to talk to her which I of course took advantage of, but she refuses to understand. She doesn't believe that she'll face hate, jealousy, rejection, etc. I felt most of it first-hand, but as for the parts actually IN the dating, I couldn't get that far. She doesn't think I know enough. Just because I'm younger and haven't actually dated doesn't mean that I haven't felt jealousy and rejection, I haven't been extremely depressed, etc.
How can I get her to listen to me? Thanks.
By the way, don't say to write in a diary. I'm already doing that, but my parents confiscated it last night for writing after dark.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Most people will reject unsolicited advice.
Try this:
1. Stop offering advice she hasn't asked you for.
2. Apologize for being so nosy and sounding like a know it all.
3. Promise not to push any more advice onto her.
4. Make her one offer: If she ever wants an honest male point-of-view, you are there for her.
5. If she ever takes you up on your offer, first LISTEN TO HER patiently and carefully, and when you finally give her your point of view, use language that shows you are on her side and you support whatever choice she makes after listening to you.
OH, I'VE GOT AN EVEN BETTER IDEA!
6. Ask HER for advice. Listen carefully to her, don't argue with her, and thank her for her advice. Not only does she know things that you don't, but you will be demonstrating the very behavior you would like to elicit from her. TRY THIS!!
I am most interested in you trying #6 exclusively. Simply stop offering her advice. Don't even mention her boy troubles, or her conversations with her cousin. Since you haven't dated yet, perhaps she can offer you insight into the feminine psyche. If you soak up all her advice and put it to good use, she might get jealous that you're getting all these benefits from her and she might want you to RETURN THE FAVOR and actually ASK YOU for advice in return.
Give it time, like a month or so, to develop. Otherwise she'll figure you out and be offended that you appear to be manipulating her.
It isn't manipulation, by the way. Its just an attempt to effect a change in the dynamic of your relationship and can be mutually beneficial if you each receive advice from the other. Manipulation is one-sided, after all.
Good luck, and please let me know how it goes. I'm very curious.
Dr. Chad
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Your sister probably feels that she needs to talk to a female about this because she believes it to be a female issue. She could get a lot more and better advice from a guy, but she's either embarassed, uncomfortable with the topic, or thinks that she can gain some kind of knowledge from your cousin's very vast experience. She likely knows just as well as you about your cousin's dating problems, but feels that your cousin can help her nonetheless. Having a younger sister myself I can tell you that the best way to get her to listen to you is to write your feelings, suggestions, and whatever else you want to say to her in a letter and leave it on her pillow. She will read it and take it seriously even if she picks on you about it or pretends that she never got it or something. She may not follow your advice, but that is her decision, which you can do nothing about. Sometimes getting hurt by a relationship is the best or sometimes the only way to gain experience and knowledge in the whole dating scene. If she doesn't follow your advice, keep an eye on her and be ready to catch her when and if she falls. Good luck to both of you!
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Teenagers are like that. I know that's probably what you don't want to hear, but it's the truth.
But it's usually with the parents.
For example, a parent will usually tell their child if they don't approve of a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend. The child goes into denial, defending whoever the parent doesn't approve of. But in the end, the parent is usually right. Of course, it doesn't just count for parents, it also counts for people like you, who care about someone and don't want them to get hurt.
She probably (This might not be the case, but it is likely) doesn't listen to you because you're younger. Even though you aren't much younger, your sister might think that you haven't had as much life experience. What I'm saying is that your sister might not take you seriously because you're the younger brother.
You've already done all you can do. Like what I said about the parents. They do all they can, but they can't make the child change.
If you've told her that you care and are worried about her, then you've done all you can do. Although you care about her, she needs to experience the rejection and pain. She needs to learn from this.
I hope everything goes well!
I hope I helped, and if you have any more questions, feel free to leave one in my inbox!
♥Manders
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Even if you think you understand completely, truth is there are some things you will never get. These are just girl things, that she needs to talk to other girls about. I think you are stressing over nothing, hon. Everything you described is normal girl behavior! Trust me on that. Help her if she asks for it, otherwise, try to let it go. Tis her life, and you need to concentrate on yours =)
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First off she is your sister. I dont tell my brother anything because he is a guy and i dont think he will understand. Most women have to talk to women. I think that she knows that she can talk to you. I know you want to protect from heartache but you cant alll the time. When she learns these mistakes she will be smart enough to make better judgement. If we dont learn from our mistakes how do we live our lives. There will be a time when she will come to for help you just need to be patient and support her. I know tha you are worried but everone is about their siblings. If you continue to push her you will push her right out of her life. I know that is hard to believe but it happened to me. My brother was so protective of me that i never had a steady relationship. It was sad that i had to date in secret because he would be in my business.Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear.
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Chances are she's going to ignore you. Just let her face hate, jealousy, and rejection. Give her whatever advice you can and then let her experience it herself. Then maybe, if your lucky, she'll listen to you after that.
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Hi,
Your sister isn't the only person who's beenthrough alot, you have too. Infact you've been through mostof what she has, even though you may not realise it. It'sreally good you got that out, I’m sure after you wrote that
letter to us felt relieved and don't worry you can trustus. Remember, she has been through all that, you knowthat, and keeping that in mind why don't you make YOURdecision, when ever she did something "bad" or "mean" didshe have a reason? Didn't she explain her actions after?did you two not cry and talk everything over? Consider
everything,she had enough, she had her boyfriend and she didn't want toloose him...even though he didn't seem that good for heranyway, she really like him and she probably thought she
deserved some fun obviously not thinking how far she went.It seems as if you definitely did your part then so yes,she should be grateful it
probably wouldn't have been possible with out you since youoffered her comfort, a shoulder to cry on and a whole lotof forgiveness - and that's the main thing, don't everforget it.tell her and give her a chance to prove you wrong.You are doing the only thing that you can do for your sister and that is being there for her. She will keep trying to push you away, and she is probably doing this to test the 'waters' to see if things really do get bad if you are going to stick by her. What you should do is talk to her about it and tell her how you feel and the things that you have been hearing from others. But also let her know
that no matter how hard she pushes you away or no matter what she says about you, that you are not going to walk away. Let her know that you know she is hurting.As for her problems, all you can do is be there for her. You can't change her. She is going to have to want to change herself. And if you feel that sometime she is really going to hurt herself badly, then you need to tell
someone. eventually learn to forgive you. I do have to commend you because you truly are a good
sister to her. Be strong and follow your heart, not what others tell you to do. I wish you and your sister the best
of luck.
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No matter what you do, until you guys move away from home and apart from each other....she isn't going to listen to you.
At least not most of the time. Just seems to be that way most of the time.
She is older than you and I am sure in her head she thinks she knows better what to do than you do.She doesn't but she thinks she should.
Boys of the age you are talking about mature at different times (as I'm sure you know). The guy she went out with may be a little immature yet.
He could just be shy, or he may just want to get to know her better first. People are all brought up differently.
I haven't met a girl yet of that age who doesn't get a bit "boy crazy". It is a sign of immaturity too.
Hopefully, if she won't listen to you she doesn't take to much of what your cousin says to heart.
If she does though, she will just have to learn by her mistakes.
In the mean time, you continue to let her know your opinion.
Sooner or later she is going to wake up and say...Hey, maybe I need to listen to him, he's right. :)
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Unfortunately when it comes to sisters there is alot of pride and ego that gets in the way. She might say that you dont know what you are talking about, but a small part of her is probably still listening. Just keeping letting her know that you only have her best interest in mind. Tell her that you only want to help and that you will be there for her is she ever would like to confide in you. But that is about all that you can do. If she does get her heart broken... Just be there for her. Dont tell her " I told you so" She will learn to trust you.
I have two daughters and they just about never would admit that they listen to what the other is saying. But I can see that they actually do. Still sometimes we feel that we have to find things out for ourselves. So we are left to find things out the hard way. Just be there in the end and things will get better.
Good Luck
Eva J
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Okay, sit your sister down and talk to her. If she doesn't want to listen, then that's too bad for her! Express you concern for her and that you think you possibly might know what you're talking about. It's pretty natural for older sisters to not listen to their younger ones, even if the younger siblings are right. It's the whole older sibling ego thing.
Don't eavsdrop. It's an invasion of privacy, and I know you wouldn't appriciate it either. I know you're just trying to help, but it's not really your buisness, no offense meant.
Hope I helped!
!~*becca*~!
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keep trying to be there for her with advice if shew wants it..but don't force it on her. dating is a learning experience and she apparently has a lot to learn..and she will learn in time. she still has a lot of time to realize the problems with her cousins advice.
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