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Being the Middle Child
Im 16f. I have one brother that is eighteen in December and one sister that is 10. Anyhow, my brother just graduated and is the jerk of the house. He is the troublemaker, he bums around the house most days, backtalks, blasts his music, does what most teenage boys do. He does have a job now that he goes to most days which is a plus on my behalf. Hes not around much anymore so hes not really a problem to me now.
But, My sister is a momma's baby, she talks to my mom as if she is still three most of the time, my mom is her personal chef and waitress when she is around, and she gets her way practically all the time. Heres where the main problem comes in, i'll give an example of something that actually happened: My sister accidently hits me with a tennis ball she is throwing around, and in defense i say "hey". My mom gives me heck because I 'yelled' at my sister, and then my sister goes 'haha' and so i gently bump her on her butt. Then my sister throws a fit (she gets mad instantly sometimes when she is tired) and starts hitting me with the tennis ball, so i grab her hand so she cant hit me, which ends up in me getting yelled at for holding her hands.
Its just so frustrating when i get in trouble for stuff i didnt do. My mom said i was backtalking to her today and got a bit frustrated at me, when she asked if i knew where the remote was and i said 'no. I havnt used it all day'.
My sister never gets in trouble because she is the youngest and my brother just gets told 'not to do something' even though he just does it again a while later.
It just gets on my nerves. I try ignoring my sister when she does have her 'tired/mad' times, but she usually ends up smacking me and then i have to hold her hands, if you know what I mean.
What things can i try to show my mom that she is really the instigator, and im just defending myself.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
This will sound too simple to try, but try it a few times:
When your sister "acts out", don't "react" to her. Instead, go to your mother and in a calm, grown-up, reasonable voice, ask: "[Little sister} just [describe behavior]. How do you recommend I handle it?"
You've accomplished several things:
1. You didn't match action for action, which is what a child would have done.
2. You've put your mother in a position to teach you how to respond to your little sister's behavior, which will make her feel like you still need her wisdom and advice.
3. You've definitely shown yourself to be mature rather than immature.
4. If your mother gives you advice on how to respond to your sister, and you follow it diligently, your mother cannot hold you responsible for the consequences. After all, you're only doing what she told you.
Right now, you're letting your little sister and mother call the shots. They are in control, because you always react to their behavior, rather than making them react to yours. If you go to your mom for advice, and sound reasonable enought that she takes you seriously, then you are the one in control, and both your sister and mom have to react to your reasonable, mature behavior.
Let me know how it goes!
Regards,
Dr. Chad
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Ignore your mother.
At 16, you've hit the point where I consider you old enough that you don't have to do EVERYTHING your parents say.
Heres my version.
You swat your sister on the butt.
She starts hitting you.
You stop her. Hopefully with a harder swat on the butt added in.
Your mother yells at you. You sit there calmly throughout her tirade, and reply when you get a chance to break in...
"Mom, she was hitting me with a tennis ball. I stopped her. If she hits me with a tennis ball in the future, I will stop her. If you don't like it, work on teaching her to stay calm and manage her anger better"
And do it. Your brother does whatever he wants. Your sister is spoiled. Compared to these two, you are the child that they don't have to work to discipline. The only one that they can bitch at and have much effect.
Take that away from them without being defiant, arguing, or yelling, or showing attitude, and theres not much they can do to stop you.
My parents and I had this argument over curfew. They wanted me in at 10 pm on weekends. I was pretty responsible, and told them that no, I wasnt going to be home at 10 pm. They told me I couldnt take the car. I said OK. They said they'd lock me out. I said I wouldnt come home.
When I came home monday, they freaked out.
I replied that I hadnt gotten into trouble, I had made it to school and football just fine, and that I was going to take the freedom I had earned. If they didnt like it, they could force me to move out over a curfew.
Never heard another word about it.
Now, I will say, when I was younger I was an asshole. Defiant, contrary. Well, I'm still that way, but I have a much better handle on it than I used to ;-)
Anyway, just be firm with her. State your intentions and your logical reasons, and stick by it. The shit I've had to deal with for standing by my principles, including the ones that apply directly to myself, has been enormous.
But the satisfaction that is being right in a situation and never caving dwarfs it by miles and miles.
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Your sister is 10. While it would be nice if she could be held to the same standards you and your brother can, she can't be, and if she was she would appear to be a spoiled, violent brat every time.
Similarly, your brother is an adult. He can get away with things that you and your sister couldn't, because from a legal standpoint, he would/should be the one shouldering the consequences.
Of course, you shouldn't have to suffer just because she's immature. I suggest you avoid her until she hits her teens and (hopefully) matures at least a bit. Problems like this have no real quick fix, and the solution is to let time and personal growth do their work.
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How about asking your mom "Mom, what do you want me to do when my little sister hits me?"
Keeping asking until you get a straight answer, if she denys it say "All right, lets pretend my she hits me, if that were to happen, what do you want me to do about it?"
Your brother is a jerk and your sister in a brat. That is pretty much standard and there isn't much you can do about THAT. Your brother WILL act out and test your parents bounderies and patience and your little sister WILL get babied. Those are pretty much the facts of life.
What you can do however, is address the REAL issues very honestly and directly. A REAL issue is that your sister gets physical with you. She's ten years old. She really should be learning better. It's not your job to teach her (sadly) but it's certainly your job to assist your mother in teaching her... so, the vital question is:
How does your mom want you to deal with your sisters physical striking?
I'll tell you the first thing you should do if you want to teach her better though, don't hit her back! Ever! Not even light taps on the butt. Period.
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