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My brother is a loser and I don't know what to do.
Hi there! Hoping you can give me a bit of advice.
I'm a single mother of two kids, working full-time and going to college part-time. Shortly after I got divorced (2002)my little brother moved in with me to help me out. About a year ago, my parents bought a house and rent it to us. We split the rent and all bills evenly.
In September of this year, my brother lost his job. Since the economy is so bad, he's had a really hard time finding work, and takes whatever job he can to make extra cash, but can't find a full-time job. So, for the past 4 months, I've been paying all of his bills, except for rent (which my parents are paying for him). He's racked up around $800 that he owes me. And I'll probably never see a dime of that.
He helps out sometimes, by watching my kids for me while I run to the store. And just the other day he fixed a water leak in our house. But for the most part, he sleeps, eats my food, watches cable tv that I pay for and plays video games. The only time he cleans up around the house (including doing his own dishes) is when I get onto him about it. He was promised a job by my boss, but construction is slow right now and they don't need him full-time yet. So instead of seeking other employment, he stays at home doing whatever. He's receiving unemployment money, but I haven't seen any of it and neither has my mom.
When I talk to my parents about him, they seem to think that I should just deal with it. But this is driving me absolutely CRAZY! I have no money! I couldn't get my kids much for Christmas.
I was told by my parents that if I kick him out, they will make me pay the entire amount of rent, which I can't afford. I'm so confused about what to do. Should I just deal with this?
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Thank you for your question. Keep in mind that my answer is based only on what you told me. Your brother moved in "to help you out", which means he was there to help you when you were experiencing a major life change. You describe him babysitting and fixing things in your home, all noble behaviors.
Your brother lost his job in September, which can have unseen effects on someone's self-esteem and overall psychological health. If you have any history of mental illness in your family, losing a job could trigger the onset of depression. Once again, I need to make some assumptions about your brother, such as the assumption that to some extent he identified himself with his job and he measured his self-worth by the quality of his work and size of his paycheck. He has lost the foundation of his independent, adult life. I don't suppose he feels particularly good about having to rely on his big sister for financial assistance, and the burden of having to repay it when he's out of work may be affecting his behavior around you as well (perhaps he resents your enviable position as a gainfully employed mother of two who is in college).
Having said all of that, you probably think I'm siding with him. I am not. I'm just making some observations. It's also entirely possible that he is an opportunist who moved in after your divorce so he'd have someone to split the bills with, and only helps you out from a sense of obligation rather than familial support. Perhaps he doesn't really care that he lost his job, and he's glad for the opportunity to mooch off of you.
My advice is that you decide if either of these descriptions fits your brother, and act accordingly. If he needs your support to lift him out of this slump, then I would suggest you return the favor he paid you when you got divorced--and "be there for him". If he's just a bum, a "loser", as you put it, then you need to have a difficult but necessary conversation with him about your feelings. Many incorrect assumptions are made based on observed behavior alone. Open, honest communication has a way of dispelling the misperceptions and setting the relationship on a new course.
If you need a means of sympathizing with him, remember that you are blessed with two beautiful children, a noble source of income, and a bright future following college. He has none of this. Bachelorhood is lonely enough; unemployment amplifies the loneliness; and a mere high-school diploma limits career opportunities in this bleak economy.
Regards,
Dr. Chad
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