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My parents have nasty habits...
My parents want to come and spend the night at my house. I have told them hundreds of times that they have really nasty habits (like not washing their hands after using the bathroom then touching food and not taking baths but once a week). Then they come and bring roaches with them (unintentionally of course) from their house, that they refuse to clean. (Then they ask why we don't visit them at their house. Last time we went I got a glass from the cabinet to get some water to drink and it had roach eggs and spiderwebs in it.)I have to treat them like children and tell them how to do things properly. I do not like them giving my kids food because I don't know where their hands have been. When I do tell them that they need to clean up their act, they get offended and blame it on this or that (a line of bull). Then my dad gets mad at me and says sarcastic comments (like I'm sorry we are not perfect like you). I never said I was perfect, I just don't want them to teach my kids ( 2 & 6 yrs. girls) bad habits. They need to be able to look up to them and be proud. Nothing I do seems to help. They never listen, when I'm trying to tell them something they always take it the wrong way. Then they act jealous of other family members (ex: why can u go visit them and not us?). Last time they stayed over night the room had to be cleaned because it smelled after they left. I can't take much more of this, I don't know what else to do other than just start avoiding them. I have put up with this for years, Please help...
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wow i don't know what to think... It's either they are extremely hygienically challenged, to the extent of being hazardous or maybe your over reacting a little (some women supposedly sort of 'flip' after having children thinking things aren't clean or aren't safe enough)... If they are really that "nasty" then my advice is to think... where they like this when you were young? is it something new that just started with old age? were you the one who used to do the chores and cleaning when you were in house? if in case they weren't like this before then perhaps old age or some other reason (which you have to find out about) is causing this... and that be the case maybe you could help them out a little or hire some help.... in case of the other issue... and maybe you just suddenly started 'noticing' that they are not clean, then perhaps your just being over protective of your kids, or even have deeper issues like being ashamed of them....
I would also suggest doing it diplomatically in case they are actually unclean... Buy your mom a bath and shower kit... and buy your dad the axe chocolate thing (he probably saw the commercial and a boost of ego never hurts a man) also next time an occasion come up buy your mom a "super advanced vacuum cleaning that has the best options in the world" ... or perhaps a special fancy detergent from online (stuff you don't find in the supermarket) for her to use to clean... in any case what you'll need to do is advertise and be smart about it so they don't turn defensive... AND STOP SAYING THEY'RE NASTY... after all they are your parents...
I am sorry I was a little blunt... but hope my advice resonates with you...
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Yikes. That doesn't sound so great. I know what you mean - I've got some pretty... interested relative myself.
Honestly, the only thing I can say to do would be to try to get them (maybe when they're in a better mood) and sit down with them. Then try to explain - kindly - what you're thinking and what you don't like so much about their habits. I don't know if that will definitely work, since not all people go for that. All I can say is try to sit down with them, but definitely make sure to point out everything that bothers, and make sure to do it respectfully, not rudely or disrespectful - that never gets very good results.
Good luck with your parents! Hope I helped a little.
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It's not likely people like this will change. Being in property management and healthcare I realize that there are many people out there just like them! It's frustrating, but as far as teaching your children in a bad way, most likely this won't happen. You have a greater influance on your children than they do, and after all you didn't turn out like your parents. I personally think there is something mentally blocking people that stop them from having good hygiene, an illness of sorts. If you honestly love your parents don't avoid them, but keep trying to help them. If they won't let you gather the troops to get their house clean, by all means don't visit if you feel uncomfortable, and tell them the reason why, perhaps write it a letter so you don't have to tolerate the excuses and sarcism.
If they visit you, keep certain clothes and items at your house so you can wash and clean up. Don't allow them to bring luggage etc into the house. Carry around a bottle of hand santizer and disenfectant wipes....you'd think they'd get the hint that you don't want to live like they do. Either they will be offended and stop visiting on their own or they will clean up their act. If not, you have tried, and they have no one to blame but themselves.
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You are ashamed of your parents. You are ashamed, and I accept that. You are okay for feeling that way. In a way, your parents deserve that.
You are afraid that your parents' faults will affect your children.
You are old enough to see your parents' faults for what they are: poor hygiene, poor housekeeping, low standards of living.
Your parents may be guilty of not taking better care of themselves.
However, your children are too young (even at 6 years old) to pass judgement on your parents. At this age, they are taking cues from you.
Since your parents have the problems you described, they most likely had these sorts of problems when you were a kid, so I completely understand your desire as a parent provide a better environment for your children.
I believe you are a better parent to your children than your parents were to you.
Having said that, I think that because your children are going to naturally, innocently love their grandparents unconditionally, and because they have a natural need to cultivate relationships with their extended family, I think you need to frame your concerns and questions in terms of what's best for your children (emotionally, not hygienically.)
As far as hygiene is concerned, it's a good practice to wash your hands and whatnot (I work in a clinical laboratory!), but the strength of a child's immune system is dependent upon their exposure to therapeutic levels of environmental pathogens. This is how they build up immunities.(My wife is an R.N.)
I guess my advice to you is to let go of your past experiences with your parents and see the larger picture, which is that emotionally, your parents have much to offer your kids, and you are potentially hurting everyone by denying that relationship.
Best of luck.
Dr. Chad
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