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Help with my parents nasty habits..
My parents want to come and spend the night at my house. I have told them hundreds of times that they have really nasty habits (like not washing their hands after using the bathroom then touching food). Then they come and bring roaches with them (unintentionally of course) from their house, that they refuse to clean. (Then they ask why we don't visit them at their house. Last time we went I got a glass from the cabinet to get some water to drink and it had roach eggs and spiderwebs in it.)I have to treat them like children and tell them how to do things properly. I do not like them giving my kids food because I don't know where their hands have been. When I do tell them that they need to clean up their act, they get offended and blame it on this or that (a line of bull). Then my dad gets mad at me and says sarcastic comments (like I'm sorry we are not perfect like you). I never said I was perfect, I just don't want them to teach my kids ( 2 & 6 yrs. girls) bad habits. They need to be able to look up to them and be proud. Nothing I do seems to help. They never listen, when I'm trying to tell them something they always take it the wrong way. Then they act jealous of other family members (ex: why can u go visit them and not us?) I can't take much more of this, I don't know what else to do other than just start avoiding them. I have put up with this for years, Please help...
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Want to answer more questions in the Miscellaneous category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Etiquette?
When you were a child, you didn't have much choice in putting up with their neglectful housekeeping. Now, you're an adult with a family of your own, and the good news is that you do have a choice.
When addressing inter-family issues such as this, I find myself wondering why relatives expect (and are expected) to be held to a lower standard of consideration than acquaintances.
If your friends/neighbors/fellow PTA members/work associates would never dream of bringing filth into your home, why is there something sacrosanct about your parents wishing to do so? Shouldn't your feelings and desires be even more important to them?
Your father's passive-aggressive response suggests that he's quite aware of their disgusting habits (people who don't realize they're offensive are typically pretty horrified when it's pointed out) and chooses - for whatever reason - to disrespect you and your home by diverting the issue. As so often happens with narcissistic family members, they feel entitled to be disrespectful, and are very quick to make an issue out of your problem with their offense.
If you really examine the message behind this behavior, it's rather disturbing:
"I'm allowed to act as thoughtlessly as I please, and should you choose to have a problem with it, I stand ready to instantly victimize myself."
It's two insults in one, really. The painful lesson with this kind of parent is that they are not interested in altering their behavior, and resent the slightest expression of disapproval.
You're not asking them to change their political affiliation or religion. You're asking them to wash their hands while in your house. If that's something only "perfect people" do, then I would only entertain "perfect" guests.
If they can't observe the most commonplace and pedestrian of rules while in your house, then I think you need to examine just how interested you believe they are in your relationship. What's more important: Visiting the grandchildren, or the mess?
Divorce the problem from them when you talk to them about it.
Don't say: "You can't come over. You bring roaches and practice poor hygiene."
Do say: "You're always welcome in my house, but your roaches aren't. And I'd hope that you would respect the example I try to set for my girls by keeping up your hygiene while you're here."
You have a right to require a base level of respect in your own home. If family members, of all people, can't seem to accomodate that, then I'd love to know why they don't seem to feel you're entitled to it.
I must have used that word 10 times in this answer, if I've used it once: Respect. Respect. Respect. There's three more for good measure. You aren't asking for too much.
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I think that you have an answer within your question. You mention visiting other family members.
Do these other family members also have issues with your parents?
If so, it is possible that you could all get together and give your parents house a really good clean. That way, they may see for themselves what their house is like.
Sometimes, people get into a rut and need to be shown how to get out of it. Have you seen the TV programme where two woment go into realy badly neglected houses and clean them out? In most cases, this gives the occupants the kick start that they need, seeing how much better it is.
Encouragement will help. If they still fail to react, then I'm afraid that you may have to make a very difficult decision. Who is the most important? Having done the spadework to put them back on track, you will be in a position to explain (again) how you feel. Maybe before and after photos, including one showing all the rubbish and dirt removed in sacks may just hit them hard enough. Expalin that you keep your house this way and don't want it to be spoilt.
You don't mention their age or if thay have any mobility or other health issues. If so, you may be able to ask for social services help with care, and the may get care allowance to help offset the cost (if it is available in their locality).
You can only do so much. Discuss with other family members and see what they think and if they will support you. A united front usually works best and your parents cannot play one part of the family off against the other. Getting them nice and clean paves the way for visits and they csn see what they will be missing.
Hope this generates some useful ideas for you.
Good luck, Bob
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