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I want to move out

Question Posted Monday March 30 2009, 10:34 am


I am 19 and my parents dont really allow me to do much. I feel like a child. My friends all make fun of me for being under such close watch and not being allowed to go places and do things like most 19 or 18 year old do, because i always have to ask my parents and hope that they will permit me to do something... I have no freedom. I've fairly recently gotten in trouble for trying to go out, because I said so, and I was like... its time to stop being controlled by my parents and get out and have some fun.
I had to deceive my parents so that i could do what i wanted to do. I couldn even leave the house without my mom looking out the door to see who was picking me up and to see if they were there yet...etc.... I didnt know my mom was going to follow me to the door, so that foiled my plan. I was going to walk up the road, but my mom was like "no, tell your friend to come pull up infront of the door". And then she saw that it was a male friend and not the female friend i told her it was. I got in a lot of trouble and got yelled at and lectured.. Now my parents say they dont trust me and i cant go anywhere or do anyyything. My friends say "you're 19, you can do what you want....etc."..

I want to know if it would be f***ed up or not if I were to just slip out the house and move one day and not tell my parents anything until I get there. I want to live with a certain guy, but, i mean, when i am ready to move in with him and when i'm sure thats what i want to do. And I will call my parents from my new residence, or better yet text them and be like "umm.... yeah.... i moved..."

They dont even want me meeting with this guy. They dont want me to meet with no guy or do anything. And I am so tired of my parents! I need to get away from them! I'm not going to even bother with introducing them to the guy, because they wont want me with him cuz he's 22 and i told my mom a little bit about him and she's like "you dont need to be with him. you dont need to be with anybody. You need to focus on school and focus on gettin yourself together first (work on myself in terms of anxiety problems etc.)" They just want to keep me as their boyfriend-less child for as long as they possibly can.

And I dont want to bother with telling them i plan on moving out. So do you think it would be messed up if i just moved out, and in with this guy, and just told them about it after the fact? Just so they know what happened to me.. and that way they cant do anything about it

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PinkVsBlue answered Wednesday April 1 2009, 6:39 am:
Here's the thing, you know how your parents are likely to react because well you are their child and have lived with them, so you know how they would react to you just leaving and then calling. So with that said if you think you can handle their reaction then go for it. But before you do anything,
have you considered how you are going to support yourself if you move out? and if moving out and with this guy will be the best for you?

I think away around this may be to talk to your parents, about how you are feeling, tell them they have to give you more freedom because its this lack of freedom that makes you want to do things against their will.

Oh and a drivers license! Those bring great freedom!

Goodluck! I really hope it all works out.

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shortcake90 answered Tuesday March 31 2009, 5:46 pm:
WOW. thats all i can say. What you described in your question is exactly what happend with my sister. All i can say is that if you move out without telling them, it will be THE MOST selfish thing you could ever do in your entire life. I usually never draw on my own personal experiences to answer a question, but since this incident has changed my life in such a drastic way i will. I come from a very traditional family. However, that being said, my parents were NOT backward people. they let us go out and everything just so long as we were responsible as in calling in to tell them were okay, and letting them know exactly where we were. And getting good grades. You cant just expect your parents to let you go out with any random guy or any guy if you dont show them your responsible of your life. Your parents are NOT your enemies. I mean, think about it, if they hated you then they wouldnt go through all those fights with their daughter just to make sure your miserable, they love you and care for you and want you to do the best you can in life. are you honestly gonna leave your parents for some guy! thats insane. so anyways, my sister ran away. i dont think anyone will ever fully understand the reprecussions of such an incident unless they lived through it themselves. it was HORRIBLE. my parents were DEVASTED. like in an unbelievable amount of pain. can you imagine raising a child with so much love, and patience, and protecting them from everything only to have that child walk away from you for a GUY. my parents even considered suicide. and trust me, if you have siblings, please please please dont underestimate the amount of psychological damage that they will have to undergo if you run away. just sneaking out and leaving doesnt mean thats it, theyll move on since they know your gone. its nothing like the movies, im telling you. it was the worst experience of my life. i missed out on a lot of things over that one selfish act my sister did. and now even though my parents still talk to her and are willing to do whatever she wants, its not the same. I myself hate her for everything shes done. i dont even consider her a sister. Your 19, you still have your whole life ahead of you. try talking to your parents like honestly sitting down and talking to them. if that doesnt work, talk to someone older like a relative that can talk some sense into your parents. think about all the stuff theyve done to you. believe me, its not worth it. what if things dont work out with that guy? family will ALWAYS be there for you. i know it seems brutal not being able to go out, but you have many many years ahead of you. let me know if you want any more help from me. i hope things work out for you, i really do. please dont put them through that.

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maddiec123 answered Monday March 30 2009, 8:35 pm:
If you move out secretly, don't expect an open door and room to come back later. Your parents will feel hurt, unloved, unappreciated and betrayed. I can just hear their 'you've made your bed now lie in it' response. So consider the consequences closely before you make this move.

As for more freedom, I am sure they have thrown "my house, my rules" at you. It may be they will never give you freedom as long as you live at home. You will be stuck at age 16 in their mind, until you are self sufficient. Some parents are just like that. They keep the apron strings tied so tightly, their kids are scared to let go and grow up, or they act out and rebel just to gain some freedom.

But as tempting as it may be, DON'T DON'T DON'T move in with this guy to escape your parents. It isn't the way to start a relationship.

Right now your options are:
1. try and advance your options/freedom with your parents.
2. work on what is needed to become independent(anxiety issues, work, school).
3. Perhaps consider applying for and going to college somewhere out of town/state, so you are not right under your parents thumb.
4. Stay busy with activities (work/school/organizations) that keep you away from home the majority of your time.

I know it SUCKS to feel so trapped, but life will not be like this forever. But don't trap yourself into a relationship you aren't ready for, or poverty because you aren't financially able to move out successfully.

Make goals to get you where you want to be by a specific time (i.e. save xx amount of $$, work where I make xx amount of $$, so I can move out with a room mate/alone in 1 year.) Just working towards the future YOU choose will make you feel more empowered.

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Smartone answered Monday March 30 2009, 6:51 pm:
There are unanswered questions. I assume you're in college. Do your parents pay for school? If you left, would they continue to pay, or are you self supporting? What if you moved in with this guy and it didn't work out? Where would you go? Can you support yourself?

I know you are anxious to gain some independence, but you should think it through. If you depend on your parents for your existence, then you really can't do much about things because all support could stop if you walk.

Do you really like this guy or are you looking for someone to get you out of the house?

I'd say, get yourself self sufficient and then you can move out because you can live on your own on your own terms. Your parent do seem to be a bit too controlling, but they just want to ensure you don't get off track in school and in life in general. Don't move in with this guy unless you can survive on your own without him. These situations can change before you know it, you've got to handle all the bills on your own. Be prepared to do that before you move out, otherwise, you may find yourself begging mom and dad to let you come back home, with even more restrictions, because they will view you as making bad decisions.

You really do need to get answers for you anxiety. I personally, don't feel medication is the answer, but you must deal with this problem before dealing with anything else. Guys or school. If it prevents you from working, which is a normal part of life, then it can creep into many other areas of life and truly become debilitating.

What happened in your life to cause you such anxiety? Spend some time thinking hard about where this anxiety started and what could have caused it. Getting away from your parents should not be your goal in life. Getting your act together so you can function in society should be your main goal. If you think about it, your anxiety is covering up all your talents and abilities. God only knows what you're capable of if only you didn't have this problem! Tackle it big time. You need to free your mind up for bigger and better things. Something tells me you're the type who will go places.

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Dr_Chad answered Monday March 30 2009, 5:48 pm:
Most of your description focuses on your parents' overprotectiveness and your desire to get out from under their thumb and be your own person. I completely identify with that and I believe you should focus on finding your own place and moving out.

On a separate note you want to move in with this guy. I am wondering if you are making that decision based more on your desire to move out than your desire to live with this guy. If you are looking for independence, you are better off getting a roommate for starters, so you have your own place. What will you do if you break up with this guy? Move back in with your parents? Your situation will be more stable if you find a roommate.

I know you want to stick it to your folks, I did too, but be careful not to burn that bridge. They can continue to be an excellent resource and form of support. Going out on your own has it's challenges and surprises. It would be nice for you to be able to call them up and ask for help on how to do something without having to work around that awkward way in which to plan to part company.

I think your best plan would be to tell them you're going to move out and ask them if they would like to help you find a place. That might help both of you---you get their expertise in selecting a domicile, and they get to feel like they have some influence over where you end up living, which will go a long way toward relieving them of the inevitable separation anxiety they will experience.

Realize their overprotectiveness comes not from a lack of trusting you, but instead a lack of trusting the world "out there". They probably watch the evening news too much and have a distorted view of the world teenagers inhabit.

Try to be patient with them, but also firm. Stand your ground, but resist the temptation to "teach them a lesson" by disappearing. You feel hurt by their overprotectiveness and it's natural to want to hurt them back.

Keep thinking it through, as you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You'll be fine.

Dr. Chad

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Katlyn answered Monday March 30 2009, 3:09 pm:
I dont think its messed up that you want to move out at all because your 19 your practically an adult and you have your own decisions to make. So if your sure this guy is the one you want to live with then you should find a place and just do it but i think before deciding you want to move in with him think about how your relationship is and if hes truly okay for you to be with but i think you should wait for a few months until u move in with him instead find a place and find a femal roomate stay with her for a little while until you get to know this guy better then move in with him. The reason im saying this is because sometimes guys act different when there just going out with u and when they move in with you and start living with you they change and start to say they need space and what not so really think about this with an open mind. As for your parents just leave them because they cant treat the way they have been forever and until the change your going to stay away from them. hope i helped feel free to msg again if you need to talk about anything. :D

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Jami answered Monday March 30 2009, 2:57 pm:
Yes it will be very messed up if you don't tell your parents you are moving out. They care about you and want what is best for you. Moving out is fine as long as you are really ready, but you need to prepare yourself financially and emotionally so that you won't have to come back home. Being a responsible adult is not about sneaking off. Talk to your parents and let them know what your intentions are and prepare to go. I do not however thik it will be a good idea for you to move in with a guy. Being in that situation would only cause you to rely on him instead of your parents. If things go sour with him you will be in a terrible spot and your parents will be disappointed. Being 19 means that you are old enough to do what you want to, but you need to be responsible when making decisions about your life and where you will be. This CAN NOT be about a guy or it will fail. You have to move out for you, and you alone and put yourself first. If you can not afford to take care of yourself on your own and pay for rent, you are not ready to movw out yet. A roomate is fine b/c it will be equal,but moving in with a guy could turn into a nightmare and since its his will not be equal. Plase consider all of this before making a decision.

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Eldritch answered Monday March 30 2009, 11:36 am:
First of all, I'm very sorry you're going through such a hard time.

You picked a good columnist to ask, if I may say so myself, because I too dealt with "control freak" parents -- up until I signed a contract with the United States Military (mostly because I wanted to, but partially because my parents couldn't exactly call the Army and say 'she's not going').

So I understand what you're going through, I truly do (but I don't suggest signing your life away to the government).

A lot of people would assume that you haven't earned your parent's trust and that's why they treat you this way. I know that's not always the case, because I was never one to get in trouble. Not even so much as a parking ticket.

However, it could be that in their eyes, this is the case. They could be unsure about your decision-making capabilities, or if you're an only child, it could be that they are afraid of letting you go and facing that horror of horrors: The empty nest.

I grappled with my parent's reasoning for a long time. I resented them for the time I lost, and the teenage years I'll never be able to live, but then I came to realize that, although they were confused, they thought they were doing the best they could for me.

They are very loving people, and I consider myself lucky to have parents who weren't in any hurry to get rid of me, which, hard as it is to believe, is worse. Please remember, even though this is frustrating, they obviously love you or they would want you OUT.

I decided to let it go and forgive them, but I also resolved not to treat my daughter (she's due next month) the same way. As parents, we must realize that our job is to raise self-sufficient ADULTS, not to raise children.

Before I get into the advice part, I need to say that I know you aren't obligated to take it, but as someone who has been there, I hope you'll take it to heart and mull it over, at least, because if I could do it over again, I could have saved myself some heartbreak.

Now all I can do is try and save YOU some heartbreak.

I think the best course of action for you is to talk to your parents about this. Tell them, in the most rational, reasonable way that you can, how you feel. Let them know that you are a grown woman, that you need more freedom, and that you are mature enough to make your own choices.

I think the lies you've told your parents in the past have hurt your case, but I can see where you felt you had no other options. You might want to tell them that, too.

Tell them that you don't want to go behind their backs, but you don't feel you're being given age-appropriate opportunities, and that if they would give you more freedom, you could prove to them that you've become a responsible woman they can be proud of.

Let them know that you would be more willing to remain at home and finish school if you felt your freedom and privacy were respected.

If you want, you can write all this down and give it to them in a letter, so you don't run the risk of being derailed and/or interrupted.

There is one point on which I can agree with your parents. School is very important, and you do want to know exactly where you're going and what you want before you get involved in a serious relationship.

This is only common sense -- you don't want to end up dependent on a man for what you need, because even if the two of you are soul mates, you never know what will happen down the road. One day, no fault of his own, he may not be there. You may have children of your own to support, and then you'll have to HOPE your parents will take you back. You don't want to be in that situation.

You don't really know a man until you've been around him for a year or more, and see him in every situation. I say this over and over because it is of paramount importance: You have to observe him, the way he treats you, his friends, and total strangers. Don't listen to what he says. Watch what he DOES. Talk is cheap.

He will be different when you are friends.

He will change again when you are dating.

He will change if you move in with him.

He will change again, and drastically, when you get married.

He'll change yet again if you decide to have children.

You have to be absolutely certain that this is a man who deserves you, and will treat you with respect, placing you above all else in his life.

As I said, if you look at this from an objective point of view, setting aside (hard as it is) your anger and frustration, you will see that your situation may need only minor adjustments.

Best case scenario:

If you can get your parents to listen, you can stay at home and focus on your education and your anxiety issues while still living your life.

Less ideal:

Stick it out at home, trying to earn their respect through your actions. At least you'll be financially secure and working towards your independence.

Worst case:

You move out, and take your chances on your own. You're risking alienating your support group, so if something happens, you may not have a place to go. I hope it doesn't come to this, but as I said, you ARE an adult (don't let them convince you otherwise) and you ARE entitled to make your own decisions.

Just make sure they are decisions you can live with, and that they are not clouded by emotion. Rational thought is your best friend.

I very much hope this helps. Maybe someday you'll drop me a line and let me know how things worked out.

If you need anything else, don't hesitate to let me know.

Wishing you all the best.

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S0Exciited answered Monday March 30 2009, 11:12 am:
Let's understand that your parents only do these things because they care about you but it seems like they have a problem with letting you go and letting you do what you want. Are you by any chance an only child?

If you do decide to move out, I suggest you tell your parents about it and then you could try and get your own place with their help maybe. I think this would be your best option.

But if you still want to move out with this guy. You should still tell your parents beforehand. I think they deserve at least that.

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