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I am my worst enemy when it comes to men. I build a room that I mentally lock myself away in from men. I know that it's there yet I don't know have to fix it. I am a single 36 female, single, no children never married and have only had 2 other serious and sexual partners. It has been 2 years since I have been in a relationship.
I went to this party back in the begining of Oct and was introduced to the nice guy. No stars or anything he never crossed my mine after that night. Althought in my opioion I think I came off kind of rude...(He walked me to my car when I was leaving. I thanked him got in and was ready to drive off. When he took afew steps back to the car to offer that he could sit and wait with me while I warmed up the car I said it wasn't necessary thanked him again and just drove off.
Two weeks later I get a called from my friend and learned that he has been begging and hounding my friend for my phone number. I couldn't even remember what he looked like and thought hell why not. We chated off and on over the next few months. We went out the dinner 2 times and had enjoyable conversation. 4 months into knowing each other we had a hot and heavy date. Tons of fondling and caressing but remained fully clothed. We talked several more times after that evening with conversation getting hotter and hotter. It was obvious that something was going to happen. On MBA allstar weekend he called we started talking and I put the question what gives on the line. He doged the question and when I offered that we be phone buddies he said ok if that's what I want. And that it wasn't what he was saying. Needless to say I got bolder and down right invited him to an "adult outing". He said he wanted to watch the game and would call me after. Well for the next 3 days which covered allstar weekend I felt like I was pulling teeth with him. I am a direct and up front person. If it is on my mind and heart it will come out. I told him directly it has been over 4 months what does he want and expect is this going somewhere or should we cut ties. He wanted to be in a open relationship sex if it happened but with no string. This concept is foreign to me. I have had two partners and both occured as committed monogus relationships. I blow up from his reponse and said well that wasn't what I was looking for and wished him will but told him to loose my number. I later learned from my friend about his past and his last two relationship and then I felt bad and wanted to eat my words. I have tried reaching out to me but he won't call me back. I had my friend call him and he said yeah he will call me but it has been over two weeks and he hasn't called. Should I confront him in person myself? Or let it go and take some classes or use a book to write my feelings? He is 37 single, no children, never married but once engaged. I know he is a nice guy and I could still be his friends even if not a sexual partner. What should I do? Also, after talking to my friends and family I seem to be like a dinousur or something is it really ok to have sex with someone with no strings attached? Am I wrong? (link)
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You don't say what about his past and his last two relationships made you change your mind. Truthfully, I don't think that even if women had stomped all over his heart in the past, you should judge his behavior any differently. If he is so damaged that he can't even treat you with courtesy, he's not the kind of guy you want in your life.
I think that you may be trying a little too hard to make excuses for him because you *want* him to be a great guy; he got your hopes up, and it's very hard to let go of that. But don't turn him into something he isn't. Maybe instead of your big chance for a new relationship, he was meant play a different role: the guy who reminded you that you are a desirable woman, and the guy who showed you that you are not willing to compromise when it comes to being treated with respect.
There are certainly people who have sex with no strings attached. For some of them, it works fine. For others, it turns out to be empty and depressing, but they accept it because they don't really believe they deserve any better. If you are the type of person who requires some level of intimacy and trust from a sexual partner, more power to you. You certainly should not feel you have to change.
If it would make *you* feel better to talk to him and get all this off your chest, go right ahead. But you have to be honest with yourself: if you're doing it because you hope he'll respond a certain way, it isn't a good idea. He's not likely to give you what you want. (In your place, I would probably use a journal instead.)
You'd probably feel a lot better if you could figure out why and how you lock yourself away in this "room" you mentioned at the beginning of your letter. A journal or classes could help with that; but if self-reflection doesn't get you anywhere, you should consider talking with a counselor, who might provide some new perspectives. As you start to understand your own behavior better, I think you'll find it easier to make connections with men who have real potential.
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Their is a boy I like and their is a three year age difference. He said I'm too young. Am I really? He's only two grades higher than me, but that is my brothers best friend. Do you think it would be wrong to go out with him?
(link)
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Well, it wouldn't be *wrong*, exactly. Depending on how old you two actually are, a three-year difference isn't enough to be really creepy, but it could definitely be enough to make a relationship difficult. You two are at slightly different stages in your lives: you probably have different interests, and are looking for different things out of a relationship.
If he himself says you're too young, I'd take him at his word. He seems pretty clear about it, I'm afraid. If you still like him in a year or two, the age difference may not seem so big to him. But by then, you may have moved on to someone who's more on your level -- I wouldn't recommend waiting around.
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Ive noticed my friends all around me are starting to get married. Sometimes I feel the pressure from society that its a womans role or duty to define herself as a wife and a mother...but somehow I dont think I am equipped with those feelings. I feel like I had a taste of what living with someone was like. I was with a guy for 3 and a half years--I loved him to death and I honestly think I couldn't have found a better guy or even imagine it, and somehow every morning when I wake up and have breakfast with the person, I dont feel good--it feels weird..the night before would be exciting and wild and fun but in the morning I feel like a domesticated housewife getting ready for the day and seeing my "husband" off to work. Maybe I have intimacy issues. I like spending time with people and having fun when I feel like it and I like being alone when I feel like it. I don't want to live with someone that has to be exposed to my moods 24/7, I am just not comfortable with it nor am I comfortable with their moodiness. Girlfriends are a different story. I think that as long as I find plenty of friends and activities in my life I will be okay...but I feel a little weird for feeling this way because I love being in love. I dont know..maybe its because every single person in my family is divorced...or maybe because relationships are so fickle nowadays and everybody seems to leave one another..I am probably scared of the investment. P.S.--At some point in my relationships when they last a long time--I always do something to sabotage it..its as if I really dont want it to last. What is going on with me? Are these real indicators or am I just jaded or is it my age? I am 25 years old. (link)
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I think that mostly, everything you say sounds absolutely normal. There's no reason why you *should* want to get married at 25 -- it's a good age for some people, but it's way too early for others. It sounds like you still have a lot of exploring to do.
Maybe you're sabotaging your long-term relationships because you know in your heart that these guys aren't the right ones for you. A man can be absolutely great, but just not the person you ought to spend the rest of your life with. But the nicer he is, the harder it is to admit something like that to yourself -- and to the guy! -- so at some level, it may be easier for you to deliberately screw it up.
Instead of taking your feelings as evidence that there's something wrong with you, take them as a useful signal. You'll know that a guy is really worth sticking to when you realize that he's someone you want to have breakfast with for the rest of your life. :)
It does strike me as surprising, though, that you associate mornings-after with being a "domesticated housewife." I mean, being attached to someone definitely doesn't imply being a stay-at-home. Do you feel that when you're in a long-term relationship, you tend to put the rest of your life on the back burner? Because if you do, I could certainly see why being with someone feels limiting. Ideally, being with a significant other should give you the support and energy to accomplish even more.
It's possible that your family history has affected your perspective on marriage and relationships, definitely. But just because the people close to you had bad experiences, that doesn't mean that you have to. If you're feeling emotionally stuck, it couldn't hurt to talk to a therapist. You seem pretty thoughtful and insightful about your situation, so I bet you'd get a lot out of talking to someone who's trained in these issues.
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I have a question regarding my ex-boyfriend...we broke up in December of 2001 abruptly after a horrendous visit to meet his parents (it was all just bad timing) he broke up with me because he felt our disagreements during our visit made a bad impression, thus he broke up with me on the plane...it was all very quick. We had only a very passionate 7 months together mind you. Yet, we had this awkward year and half afterward of not being together yet still feeling so much and having a sexual relationship. I really stopped being close with him around April of 2003. I graduated that year and have since moved. He has been emailing me every so often wanting to know what is up with me and how my life is. He is the type to always have a motive in doing something...why is he bothering?! Yet, most of me is over him..I am curious..and still heart broken. Should I avoid anything really personal when emailing..I dont want him to hurt me again, yet sometimes I wonder about the possibility...I am 24 female he is 23.
Thanks (link)
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If you are really still heartbroken -- and you have every right to be, because it sounds like you've been through a lot -- then these emails are getting in the way of your healing. It's perfectly okay for you to tell him that you wish him well, but you're not ready for this kind of contact.
I totally get that you want to understand his motivation. My guess is that he's emailing you because he's lonely, and he's used to talking to you about stuff, and he wants to know what you're doing now -- beyond that, I couldn't say, but actually it's sort of beside the point. The point is, what kind of contact do YOU want from him? Do you just want him to give you some emotional space? Do you want a long-distance friendship? Do you want to get back together? (I could be wrong, but I don't think it's that last one. It sounds like you're having perfectly normal twinges of what-if about your ex, but that you realize that ultimately, he wasn't very good for you.)
Don't torture yourself by trying to figure out what's going on in his head. Figure out what's going on in yours, and do what you need to do to make yourself happy.
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my ex bf has a gf now. but he has recently agreed with my friend that i am beautiful (he didnt even say that when we were going out) and he ends emails with luv ya. and he sent me a lovesick smiley. i am sure he likes me but i dont wanna break up his gf and him. and his sister is gonna kill me if i go back out with him. she thinks im gonna cry over him. even though i havnt cried over him the last 2 times he broke up with me. but i still really really like him. i dont know what to do! what do u think? (link)
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Hey, are you the same one who wrote in a couple of weeks ago about your boyfriend "Gary" and his sister "Sierra"? The situation sounds kind of familiar. If you are, I hope you and Sierra worked things out okay.
Whether you're the same person or not, though, I have to say that this guy doesn't sound like he's going to come through for you. He may like you, and he may think you're beautiful -- but if he truly wanted to be *dating* you now, he would be. He wouldn't be out finding new girlfriends.
I'm glad you don't want to break up him and his new girlfriend, but the other reason that you really need to get over this guy is that you should find someone who cares enough about you to try to *keep* you. Not someone who pushes you away time after time. If you let him think that you're going to hang around waiting for him, then he'll never really respect and value you the way you deserve -- at best, you'll just keep repeating the get-together-break-up pattern over and over. Trust me, there are better options out there.
Of course you still really like him -- it takes a while to get over that. But you need to be strong, put a smile on your face, and let him go.
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I like this boy but i am in 8th grade and he is in 6th grade is he to young to go out with? he is real nice and cute and he is soupose to be in 7th. i really want to go out w/ him but is he to young?
Female
age 14 going on 15 (link)
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He's not too young for you to go out on some fun, low-key dates with, assuming you think he's interesting enough that you enjoy spending time with him. He's almost certainly too young for any kind of serious or long-term relationship, but then you're pretty young for that too.
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I am 19 and i have a boyfriend. Im thinking of going on the pill. BUT I want to find out the side effects. Does anyone know of any? Ive tried searching on the net but I didnt really get anywhere. (link)
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You should absolutely talk to your doctor. The pill has a long list of *possible* side effects -- including weight gain, nausea, increase in breast size or breast tenderness, fatigue, depression, vaginal bleeding/spotting, decrease in libido, etc. etc. -- but most women don't experience many difficulties at all. Some don't notice a thing.
Also, side effects vary depending on the kind of pill you take. (The new low-dose contraceptives have comparatively few side effects, but only your doctor can say if they'd be right for you.)
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I broke up with my boyfriend a year ago, because things were getting to physical between us, and Im young, but besides that we were perfect for each other,and our parents even liked each other, I loved him and He loved me. We broke up, I got a new boyfriend and I broke up with him, and I still love my first X. I want to tell him, talk to him but I am so scared that he will blow me off, and I dont even know how I would tell him if I did. HELP ME!!! Oh, I forgot to tell you,Im 14 and a girl (link)
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You might as well try to talk to him. I mean, even if he blows you off, you'll be no worse off than you are now, and at least you will have gotten it off your chest.
Does he understand the reason you broke up in the first place? If not, you should definitely explain it to him -- I'm sure it would make him feel better to know it wasn't anything that was wrong with him. If he does understand, then ask him if he would like to try dating again, but within whatever physical boundaries you're comfortable with. It might be less scary for you if, instead of coming right out and saying that you still love him (which is an awfully strong statement for a 14-year-old), you just begin by telling him you've missed him very much.
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i have a boyfriend well two actually the first one i live with the second one is just a guy im trying to see if him and i can work or not there are things lacking with the one i live with so im not sure about the second one but he is pushing me and he promised he would not what should i do (link)
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The second guy has probably figured out that you aren't going to get out of a bad situation on your own, and is trying to get you to do so.
You're asking for trouble if you think you can make things work with another guy before settling things with your live-in boyfriend. Like, big, fireworks, earthquake trouble. If there's any way you can see yourself staying with Boyfriend #1, then drop the second guy and focus on fixing things with #1 for a while. If you believe that the "things lacking" with #1 are ultimately a deal-breaker for you, then it's time for you to get out. Then you'll be free to pursue something better.
Maybe you're worried that you'll break up with #1, but #2 won't work out either, and then you won't have anyone... I hope that's not it, because that kind of fear isn't a good reason to stay in a doomed relationship. It's much better to be independent for a while, and then find someone who really satisfies you. Staying with someone you don't truly love isn't fair to him, and it prevents you from having really great relationships that you can focus on with your whole heart and soul.
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is it posible to date two friends at a time?people said it is bad can i believe this? (link)
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Do you mean two friends of yours, or two people who are friends with each other?
If you just mean "is it okay to date two people at once," then yes, as long as you aren't serious about either one, and both of them know that they aren't the only person in your life. (I pretty much agree with everything Jade Greene said.)
If you mean "is it okay to date two people who are friends with each other," then I think it isn't necessarily WRONG (assuming you're following the guidelines above), but it generally isn't very smart. It will almost certainly cause trouble in their friendship, and you'll get caught in the middle, which is no fun at all.
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There is this one kid i like and he is in high school...the problem is ..is that he is friends with my sister and my sister would not like me goin out with him if he is her friend..my sister told me that..should i just go out with him..or not go out with him like she said not to?
....signed,
desprate to know (link)
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Does your sister have any specific reason why she doesn't think you should go out with him? It's possible that she thinks he's too old for you, or that he hasn't treated his past girlfriends well, or something. If she does have a concrete reason, try to find out what it is.
It's possible, though, that she just doesn't feel comfortable with the idea because you're her sister and he's her friend, and it would be weird. Actually, I can sort of understand how she feels: it can definitely be awkward when your family life and your social life collide. But ultimately, she doesn't get a vote here: this is up to you and the guy, and if you decide to date, it's her responsibility to be mature about it.
That said, you can try to make it as easy for her as possible. For one thing, you can agree that you won't put her in a position where she has to run interference for you, if the relationship ever gets sticky. If you sit down with her and get her to articulate exactly what she's worried about, then you can come up with ways to defuse her fears. And maybe, if she thinks about it calmly and rationally, some of her concerns might not seem like such a big deal after all.
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my boyfriend is not exactly cheatin on me but he likes 2 girls.He always tells HER that he likes HER more than me.And he always tells me that he likes me more.Iknow that is messed up.But,i don't want to be mad at him becuz the last time I was mad at him he was pissed off the whole day and he (Kinda)cried.Even if I do get mad at him I know that there is a chance that he might dump me and go with HER.And I don't want that to happen.What do i do?? (link)
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Your boyfriend is acting like a manipulative bastard. Don't let him pull this garbage, and especially don't let him make YOU feel bad because you called him on it.
Dump him first. If he really likes you better, he'll get rid of the other girl and come crawling back. If he doesn't, then he's not worthy of you, and you'll look like the cool one because you had the backbone to get rid of the loser. And even if he stays with the other girl, he'll almost certainly continue to be a jerk to her. Why would you want a boyfriend like that when you could find someone who treats you with respect?
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I have social anxiety disorder but I want to ask Orlando out...what do I do?
Social Anxiety Disorder is something that I JUST CAN'T GET OVER just like that...and it's hard. Please help. Sometimes I fall really hard for him...and I just want a chance with him.
From,
My heart skips a beat (link)
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Is Orlando someone you know well already, or is he someone whom you just see around?
If he's not already one of your good friends, you might find it easier to start with approaching him on a non-romantic level. Maybe it'll feel like less pressure if you're just trying to strike up a conversation with him, rather than ask him out.
Once you get to know him better, and feel more comfortable around him, it won't be such a big deal to ask him out on a date -- I mean, it'll be scary, but it'll be the same kind of scary *everyone* has to struggle with when they like someone. Just remind yourself that he should be flattered by your interest (and that even if he says no, it's not the end of the world and not something for you to be embarrassed by -- it happens to most people at some point).
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I have a friend and we like each other, but we both have relationshhips with other people. YEt, my friend talks to me and says that he can't stop thinking about me and he says other things too. But i love my boyfriend more. WHat should i say to my friend? (link)
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All you have to say is that you love your boyfriend. Period. Don't get into long discussions with your friend about it -- that's want he wants, because he's hoping he can persuade you to break up with your boyfriend or cheat on him. If you make it absolutely clear that that isn't going to happen, and refuse even to talk about it further, he'll give up eventually.
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Yeah, so I don't usually ask questions, but I'm curious as to what you all think I should do.
I've been thinking about, er...going all the way with my boyfriend. I'm sixteen. He's seventeen, turning eighteen in late May. I know I'm young, but...eh. He hasn't been pressuring me at all, so that's not an issue. He loves me, I love him, we're planning, if all goes well, to live together when we graduate. I trust him and everything, but I'm concerned about the risks involved. I could get pregnant...I'm not worried about STDs because no one in either of our families has ever had one. Oh, and we're both virgins, in case you couldn't tell...Lol. I'm also just thinking...my mom has always told me "if you ever want to become sexually active, you should come to me so we can get you birth control. I wouldn't be happy with you, but I'd get you protection. If you ever got pregnant, I'd make you have an abortion." I can't imagine actually talking to her about it. It would be so horridly awkward, and she'd be so unhappy with me...My mom and I are fairly close. I'm also not sure if I'm ready. I mean, we've come close a few times, and I sorta panicked. I've just been thinking about it more lately and it's starting not to freak me out so much. What should I do? (link)
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Sex always has a lot of potentially awkward things associated with it. (No matter how old you are.) You have to ask yourself whether you're ready to deal with all the stuff like procuring birth control, the possibility of accidental pregnancy (which can happen even with contraceptives, of course), etc. And of course, talking about that stuff with your partner. If you think you can identify those issues and handle them, great, but if not, you probably should hold off a while.
(Oh, and I might have misunderstood what you were saying about STDs, but whether or not your family members have ever had one has absolutely nothing to do with whether you might get one. If you're both virgins, you're probably safe on that count, though.)
Finally, your mom may take it better than you think. (If you've been dating your boyfriend for long enough, I'd guess that she's been mentally preparing herself for the possibility for a while.) If you can be honest with her and show her that you're handling the situation maturely, she just may surprise you. :)
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I'm 25/Female and stuck! I'm in a serious relationship, but still haven't completely gotten over my first relationship back in high school. That guy and I don't talk anymore, but he constantly visits my website, so I know he's at least thinking of me too. My question is, is it a bad idea to make contact with him, or am I setting myself for more trouble by just being silent? I guess it depends if you're practical or whimsical, and I'm a little of both. (link)
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It depends what you're hoping will come of this. If, in your heart, you're hoping to rekindle your relationship with your high school boyfriend, I think there are clearly problems with your "serious relationship" that you need to address first. I mean, how would you feel if your current boyfriend tried to get back together with his ex behind *your* back?
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I have a boyfriend that i love alot but he hits me.But he say he sorry and he won't do it again but he keeps doing it. He said if I leave him then he will kill me.I'm so scared that he's telling the truth .He's already put me in the hospital 2 times I don't know what to do.So I need help ASAP if anyone can help me please.My life is on the line!
Love Apple (link)
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Apple, you need to leave him, and you need to get help right away. Talk to someone who has experience helping battered women. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 (or 799-SAFE), and that would be a terrific start. They can give you good advice about how to get out of this situation and keep yourself safe.
What he's doing to you is horribly, horribly wrong, and it's only going to get worse if you stay with him. Please take care of yourself. You are not alone.
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i have been friends with these 2 for 5 years. he finally ask me out a couple months ago but broke up with me like every month and i kept going back out with him. well this time he said that hes not gonna break up with me again and that hes really dumb for breaking up with me. and now shes pissed off at me because she doesnt want me to cry over him again. which i havnt the last 2 times. why would i start now? shes also mad because i dont stand up for her when her brother(my bf) picks on her. all i do is laugh. i wanna say something but yet i dont. how can i get her not mad at me but stay with him. she wants me to break up with him but i dont want to. and also. when i go over to thier house to spend the night i always slept in her room. but now that shes mad at me i probably wont get to. i cant sleep in garys room cuz his dad would freak. how can i stay over there? ok this is 2 long. thanks everyone! bye (link)
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Two issues here: are you in a bad pattern with Gary, and are you being a good friend to his sister?
Your friend might be frustrated because she doesn't like to see you hurt, and she knows her brother well enough to know that he's likely to keep being kind of a jerk. I think it's okay to give Gary one more chance, but if he breaks up with you again, you've really got to give up on him for good. Tell your friend that's what you're planning to do, and then stick to it.
If you know that it bothers her when Gary picks on her, then do something about it. You're his girlfriend -- you shouldn't be scared to ask him to lay off. If he doesn't, that should tell you something about him.
At your age, boyfriends come and go, but best friends can last forever. She's probably upset because she's scared she's less important to you now than her brother, so talk to her and try to reassure her that she really matters to you.
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Well see this one day i ahd my friend call my boyfriend up (i know not the best idea) and i had her ask him this one question on a scale from 1-10 1 being you hate her and 10 being you love her and he rated me a five thats like he thinks im ok well i donno if i should dump him or not i mean we have only been dating like 2 weeks and gone out on one date but only in a group of friends should i give him time or push him away?
Lots Of LOve,
Very Confused Girl (link)
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I'm not sure what you expected him to say. You only went on one group date, so it would be kind of weird and inappropriate if he told some friend of yours that he loved you over the phone. You and your friend pretty much put him on the spot, and he probably just wanted to give the most neutral answer possible.
Give him --and yourself -- time to see how it goes.
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I was with my partner for 11 years. We then married and 5 months later he met someone else and left two months later, without discussion. We had a very good relationship, and I believed we were together for life. Our respective faults did not adversersly affect the relationship and we got on very well together. He is a very independant/selfish person, but I belive he was not unfaithful to me before this occasion. He tells me he has not left because he met someone else, but becaused I nagged, and that he no longer loved me. Being a woman, yes I did nag, but far from excessivly.
We have been apart for 5 months, and I would still have him back, as I feel our relationship is worth fighting for. I was unaware that he was unhappy, and he made no indication of this. I have written a couple of letters and tried to talk to him, but he is,and always has been,reluctant, or incapable of talking about his feelings in any detail. The most I have got out of him is that he 'loves me, but not as he should'. He has remained in touch, and when I see him, he treats me like an old friend, and acts as though nothing has happened/that we did not have the past that we had.I do belive we could be happy together, despite this, and am prepared to try and put what has happened behind us. Some advice on how to 'play' all this would be gratefully received - what steps do I take to try and rebuild our relationship?. I am 42, and he is 41.
Regards
Anne Wilson. (link)
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He may not have communicated well in the past, but he certainly seems to be making his feelings clear now, unfortunately.
He tells you he doesn't love you enough to be with you. He treats you like a friend, and not like a wife or lover. (Is he still with the other woman, anyway?) If you felt any plausible cause for hope, I assume that you would have said so, but it doesn't seem like you do.
I honestly don't know the situation well enough to say whether you have any chance of getting back together in the future. But I do know that he will have to undergo some great emotional change before he is ready for any such thing. It may not ever happen, and you may not want to wait around forever just to see if it does. You can't control his heart.
A relationship where one partner is giving all the love is not worth fighting for. You deserve so much better than that.
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