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Should/can I get my husband back
I was with my partner for 11 years. We then married and 5 months later he met someone else and left two months later, without discussion. We had a very good relationship, and I believed we were together for life. Our respective faults did not adversersly affect the relationship and we got on very well together. He is a very independant/selfish person, but I belive he was not unfaithful to me before this occasion. He tells me he has not left because he met someone else, but becaused I nagged, and that he no longer loved me. Being a woman, yes I did nag, but far from excessivly.
We have been apart for 5 months, and I would still have him back, as I feel our relationship is worth fighting for. I was unaware that he was unhappy, and he made no indication of this. I have written a couple of letters and tried to talk to him, but he is,and always has been,reluctant, or incapable of talking about his feelings in any detail. The most I have got out of him is that he 'loves me, but not as he should'. He has remained in touch, and when I see him, he treats me like an old friend, and acts as though nothing has happened/that we did not have the past that we had.I do belive we could be happy together, despite this, and am prepared to try and put what has happened behind us. Some advice on how to 'play' all this would be gratefully received - what steps do I take to try and rebuild our relationship?. I am 42, and he is 41.
Regards
Anne Wilson.
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Hello,
Wow, eleven years is a long time. I'm sorry that your partner left you, honey, but I think you need to give each other some space for a while, to sort out your heads and decide if you really want to get back together. I understand that you really care for him, but he HAS to care back in the same way to make it work or there is no relationship. You said that he was 'unfaithful to you' - if you took him back, if he said that he wanted you, would you truly, in your heart of hearts, be able to 100% trust this guy ever again? Perhaps he isn't right for you. I think the first thing to do, as i mentioned, is to give him and you some breathing space to think. Remain friends, and when you're comfortable enough, bring up the relationship. Don't just spring it on him all at once or he'll recoil from you, just take it slow. I really hope that you either find someone who can love you as much as you deserve, or get back with this guy that you obviously love. Good luck x
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He doesnt sound like he really wants to return but if you believe in the fight for him in your heart here is my advice.
Before anything you have to be alone with your thoughts to decide exactly what you want, not just from him but also from life. Then you can continue or say goodbye, the choice is your heart's and your head's.
If the decision is to fight:
First, you cannot ignore the past, especially something so big as cheating, no matter what your heart never will forget knowing the man you love was with someone else. Secondly, do not allow him to completely enter without discussion: i.e. you talking and telling him whats what to you.
Before either of this can happen however, you first have to decide if its worth another chance, can you forgive and forget (after the two previous steps).
Personally I married at a very young age and couldnt handle the fact that the day after I left to think my life over he was in bed with a co-worker. But that was me.
Now if saying goodbye seems to be it:
1. Write a long letter to him telling him how you feel about the relationship's past (of course including the identity) and either send it or burn it. Either way, see this as letting go.
2. Go somwhere for a day or two alone and recollect yourself and who you are. From all my relationships I have learned its easy to lose yourself.
3. Believe who you are is worthwhile and any man would be proud to be beside you.
Hope this helps,
Oneindependentwoman
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He may not have communicated well in the past, but he certainly seems to be making his feelings clear now, unfortunately.
He tells you he doesn't love you enough to be with you. He treats you like a friend, and not like a wife or lover. (Is he still with the other woman, anyway?) If you felt any plausible cause for hope, I assume that you would have said so, but it doesn't seem like you do.
I honestly don't know the situation well enough to say whether you have any chance of getting back together in the future. But I do know that he will have to undergo some great emotional change before he is ready for any such thing. It may not ever happen, and you may not want to wait around forever just to see if it does. You can't control his heart.
A relationship where one partner is giving all the love is not worth fighting for. You deserve so much better than that.
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I believe you should move on with your life. I think telling you that you nagged too much is not fair. You were with him 11 years and suddenly you nag too much?
He was unfaithful, and personally, I think you need to improve your self respect. He doesn't sound too good. I would want someone who treated me a lot better than you are describing.
I would advise you to find places where you meet people, and get a circle of friends to distract yourself. I don't believe you should immediately get involved in romance, but I think after a year of getting used to the idea that the relationship is over, you should start thinking of dating again. Do your best to improve your opinion of yourself, your value and self esteem.
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*cracks knuckles* alright, this is an interesting situation, and a perfect example of relationship-killing miscommunication.
First of all, know that men are, in general, idiots. You say you nagged far from excessively. He, however, may feel as though you nagged a bit too much.
My general rule is - once a relationship is dead, it's dead. I'm sure you feel your relationship is worth fighting for, and maybe it is. The trick would be to get HIM to see that, which would probably be a rather difficult task, as men are generally oblivious.
If he's so reluctant to talk about his feelings in detail, you may not be able to get him back. If it's once thing I've learned from talking to my parents, it's that you cannot change a person. They will remain who they are and the way they are, and there's nothing you can do about it.
If you absolutely must try to rebuild your relationsip, though, try to talk to him when you see him. Ask him your quetions casually, and try to engage him in a conversation centering around the topic of your relationship. Blame your questions on curiosity. (That's what I always do. That way the guy doesn't think you have an ulterior motive, even if you do. Works every time.)
Try reminding him of the good times you had together.
These are just suggestions. I've never been in this situation. If you need more help, feel free to e-mail me at DemonIre1024@hotmail.com. Good luck. =)
-Siren
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I do believe that nowadays it is so easy (but not painless or inexpensive) to divorce or forget about a marriage, kind of leave it on the back burner like nothing happened. And there is something to be said for trying and putting the effort into making things work. However, both people have to be willing otherwise you will end up just pushing the unwilling person further away. You need to tell this man straight up that you want to reconcile and if he is not interested then I honestly don't know what plan you can use to get him back.
If he seems interested or says that he needs to think about you will know that there is hope. If he is willing you can seek outside counselling or just get together and talk things out and try not to let him escape when things get tense.
If he was so easily taken away from you, you need to make sure that this is someone you actually do believe will stay if things reconcile - do you really want to handle him walking out on you a second time? Make sure you keep that in mind.
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