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Can an old dog learn new trick ?
I am my worst enemy when it comes to men. I build a room that I mentally lock myself away in from men. I know that it's there yet I don't know have to fix it. I am a single 36 female, single, no children never married and have only had 2 other serious and sexual partners. It has been 2 years since I have been in a relationship.
I went to this party back in the begining of Oct and was introduced to the nice guy. No stars or anything he never crossed my mine after that night. Althought in my opioion I think I came off kind of rude...(He walked me to my car when I was leaving. I thanked him got in and was ready to drive off. When he took afew steps back to the car to offer that he could sit and wait with me while I warmed up the car I said it wasn't necessary thanked him again and just drove off.
Two weeks later I get a called from my friend and learned that he has been begging and hounding my friend for my phone number. I couldn't even remember what he looked like and thought hell why not. We chated off and on over the next few months. We went out the dinner 2 times and had enjoyable conversation. 4 months into knowing each other we had a hot and heavy date. Tons of fondling and caressing but remained fully clothed. We talked several more times after that evening with conversation getting hotter and hotter. It was obvious that something was going to happen. On MBA allstar weekend he called we started talking and I put the question what gives on the line. He doged the question and when I offered that we be phone buddies he said ok if that's what I want. And that it wasn't what he was saying. Needless to say I got bolder and down right invited him to an "adult outing". He said he wanted to watch the game and would call me after. Well for the next 3 days which covered allstar weekend I felt like I was pulling teeth with him. I am a direct and up front person. If it is on my mind and heart it will come out. I told him directly it has been over 4 months what does he want and expect is this going somewhere or should we cut ties. He wanted to be in a open relationship sex if it happened but with no string. This concept is foreign to me. I have had two partners and both occured as committed monogus relationships. I blow up from his reponse and said well that wasn't what I was looking for and wished him will but told him to loose my number. I later learned from my friend about his past and his last two relationship and then I felt bad and wanted to eat my words. I have tried reaching out to me but he won't call me back. I had my friend call him and he said yeah he will call me but it has been over two weeks and he hasn't called. Should I confront him in person myself? Or let it go and take some classes or use a book to write my feelings? He is 37 single, no children, never married but once engaged. I know he is a nice guy and I could still be his friends even if not a sexual partner. What should I do? Also, after talking to my friends and family I seem to be like a dinousur or something is it really ok to have sex with someone with no strings attached? Am I wrong?
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You don't say what about his past and his last two relationships made you change your mind. Truthfully, I don't think that even if women had stomped all over his heart in the past, you should judge his behavior any differently. If he is so damaged that he can't even treat you with courtesy, he's not the kind of guy you want in your life.
I think that you may be trying a little too hard to make excuses for him because you *want* him to be a great guy; he got your hopes up, and it's very hard to let go of that. But don't turn him into something he isn't. Maybe instead of your big chance for a new relationship, he was meant play a different role: the guy who reminded you that you are a desirable woman, and the guy who showed you that you are not willing to compromise when it comes to being treated with respect.
There are certainly people who have sex with no strings attached. For some of them, it works fine. For others, it turns out to be empty and depressing, but they accept it because they don't really believe they deserve any better. If you are the type of person who requires some level of intimacy and trust from a sexual partner, more power to you. You certainly should not feel you have to change.
If it would make *you* feel better to talk to him and get all this off your chest, go right ahead. But you have to be honest with yourself: if you're doing it because you hope he'll respond a certain way, it isn't a good idea. He's not likely to give you what you want. (In your place, I would probably use a journal instead.)
You'd probably feel a lot better if you could figure out why and how you lock yourself away in this "room" you mentioned at the beginning of your letter. A journal or classes could help with that; but if self-reflection doesn't get you anywhere, you should consider talking with a counselor, who might provide some new perspectives. As you start to understand your own behavior better, I think you'll find it easier to make connections with men who have real potential.
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First of all, I'd forget about this man. If he really wanted to be "just friends," he would've called you by now. He's avoiding you because your rejection of his sexual offer hurt his pride. He should get over himself, stop being a baby, and move on! But I wouldn't bother to try and tell him that in person. Don't waste your time!
If you do not want to be in a sexual relationship without strings, then by all means, do not get into one. There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with avoiding getting into something you do not feel comfortable with. Our society today tends to shove sex in everyone's faces and make us feel like we have something wrong with us if we aren't ready to hop into bed with every cute stranger we meet! While that might be okay for some, it's not okay for all, and that does not make you a dinosaur.
I suggest that you try to figure out why you feel so uncomfortable around men before you get involved with another one. Take some time out to really get to know yourself. Keep a journal. Get involved in some activities that YOU like and make some new friends. Don't try to force yourself into getting involved with anybody you don't feel 100 percent comfortable with. When you are ready to date again, you'll know.
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