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Is he a slacker, or am I a nag?
I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. We have been together for over two and a half years. This spring I graduate from college, and this summer I'm going to move several hours away and get started on landing my dream job. There's no telling what my work schedule will be like, so I probably won't get to see him very often. But that's not even the real problem.
My boyfriend has never been in college, even though he has always wanted to go, due to poor grades in high school and lack of financial resources. He works the graveyard shift at a local grocery store. He used to complain that he hated his job, now he says it's not that bad, and that eventually he'll do something better. He talks about all his plans for the future, but he doesn't do much to put the plans in action. He did buy a few SAT guides and has studied them a bit, but has yet to take the SAT even once, as he says "It costs money" and "I don't know where it is." (Two problems that are easily solved if you ask me -- if he didn't buy video games so often, he'd easily have enough money to take them, and finding out where to take the SAT is as easy as looking it up.) He doesn't have his license or a car, and I don't have a car quite yet either, so it's difficult for him to get around to places, and he refuses to ask people for rides or just take the bus or a taxi, for some reason. He's talked numerous times about saving money in order to get into school or get a car (to make life easier) or whatever, but something always comes up. Once he spent several hundred dollars on a computer, saying he "needed" it to look up schools, but all he's done with it is play games and surf the Internet and download songs. Another time he spent 150 bucks on a PS2, when he had been saving that money up for school. Other times, he's told me that he is waiting to see where I wind up career-wise, then he'll move there and go to school wherever I am! He originally planned to move in with me this summer, but something in my gut told me that was not a good idea just yet, so I told him I'd like to wait on that.
I have held several discussions with him about this before. Every time, I let him know that if he didn't really want to go to school, or was having trouble trying to figure out where to get started with it all, I would help him out as best I could. I mean, I'm very lucky to come from a family that could afford to send me to school, and to have had a lot of guidance early on about colleges and things of that sort. He's doing this all on his own, and I've always been very eager to try and help him out as much as I could. But he's put off all offers of my help, and sometimes, it's like he's just waiting on me to tell him what he needs to do. I have my own job and schoolwork and life to worry about at the moment, and he's got to meet me halfway. I can tell him where to go to register for the SAT or who to talk to at my own college about career and college guidance, but he always insists that I go with him. One time I told him about a minorities program that would help him out a lot financially (he's Puerto Rican), but he put off going to see the advisor and well, he just never did it. Another time I was telling him about how a friend of mine pays for school by being a resident advisor, and he instantly turned down that idea flat without even looking into it, saying "Nah, that's just not for me."
He often says things like, "You've got to have faith in me, because if you don't trust me, how can we have a relationship?" Well, I do trust him, but how can I have faith in him when he doesn't do anything?
We've been friends for 8 years and I love him with my whole heart, and I want him to be there in the future when I'm ready to get married and buy a house and settle down. He knows this, and he's always said he wants the same things, and I believe he does. But the last thing I want is to marry someone who can't even pay his share of the bills! Let me make it clear that I pay for plenty of things myself in this relationship. I'm not the kind of girl who wants a guy based on how much money he has. If I see something nice that I want, I buy it for myself, most of the time. So I'm not asking for the world here. I can make my own dreams come true! But I would like to see him live out all his dreams, and I'd like to see him live the nice comfortable life he says he wants to live. These are all things he's brought up on his own, not words I put in his mouth. It's not as if I'm trying to force him to want the same things I want.
These days, he spends most of his time (when he's not sleeping or working) playing video or computer games or watching basketball games, or hanging out with me. When I encourage him to do stuff or make suggestions or offer some help, he tells me he's working on it and seems eager to change the subject. So, I take that to mean that I've nagged too much in the past and he's grown tired of hearing it, and so in the past few months I haven't really brought it up at all. The last thing I want is to be a huge nag and drive him crazy.
I've been in lots of relationships and this is easily the best one. He is extremely kind, generous, fun, very talented and creative, and best of all, he loves ME exactly the way I am! He has never tried to change a single thing about me (well, except the fact that I am a big slob, haha). So I feel bad that I'm being a hypocrite of sorts by trying to change him. But it's not so much that, as that he says he's going to do things with his life, and then he doesn't do them. Even my family and friends have noticed that he's not really going anywhere. I hate when my family asks me questions about the progress he's making with school (because they're excited for him wanting to get into school, not because they're trying to be snotty or nosy), because I have nothing new to share with them. If he would just be upfront and honest and say "I don't want to go to school" that would be fine. But he says he does want to go, he's always said that, before we ever got romantic.
I feel I also have to mention that this is not the only thing he has been slow about. He hasn't seen his family, who live in Texas, in close to three years. My mother looked up some discount plane tickets for him several times that he could have easily afforded, but he wouldn't go, even though he is always talking about how much he misses them, and emailing them and calling them! My mother was very confused about that. I was, too! Other times he'll say he's going to go see his fam in a few months, but a few months later, it's obvious it's not going to happen!
I don't want to let him go, but I wonder. Am I justified in worrying that I'm going to be hanging on forever waiting for him to DO something? Am I doing something wrong in the way I try to talk to him, since I wind up hitting a brick wall every single time? Am I being a huge bitchy snob who needs to stop trying to make her boyfriend be just like her? Everything's perfect in our relationship, to a tee, except this. Maybe I should let him find someone who is better than me.
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First of all, congratulations on graduating from college in the spring :) I graduate in May, can't wait ;)
Your boyfriend sounds lazy to me. For example, you said he told you he hated his job, and now he says it's not so bad. This may be because he can't be bothered to go and find something better; he's gotten into the routine of working in that specific place, and can't get out of it. It sounds as though he may want to try, but he's not entirely sure how to, or is a little scared.
I don't know what it's like where you are, but here driving lessons are very expensive. I have neither a driving liscence or a car; but he has to learn that to get to where he wants to be he needs to get a bike, walk, get a bus or a taxi. If he refuses, it's HIS problem to get his ass into work or whatever. If he's late it's not your fault or your responsiblity to mother him.
It was a sensible idea to make him wait on the moving in with you front. It sounds as though he'd be a hindrance, rather than a help.
If he's seemingly waiting on you to tell him what to do, perhaps he's afraid. Perhaps he doesn't know what to do next, because going to college is a big step, and staying in his job is convenient and comfortable. It sounds like you have your life right on track, with a job and being in college, and you're right; you do have your own life to worry about. If he's refusing your help, there's not a lot you can do to try and help him.
This comment: "You've got to have faith in me, because if you don't trust me, how can we have a relationship?" : Sounds as though your boyfriend is having security issues. Perhaps he thinks you're going onto bigger and better things and you're just going to forget him, leave him behind, not want anything else to do with him. It sounds to me as though you guys need to sit down together, get to the bottom of these problems, why he's feeling insecure, why he's afraid to go to college. If he doesn't talk to you about it, how can he expect you to help him with it?
You are completely justified in wanting him to pay for half the bills when you get a house, and being apprehensive for him to come and live with you if he doesn't have the ability to do that. You sound like a strong, independant person, and your boyfriend has to realise that if he wants the comfortable life, he's going to have to work one hell of a lot harder for it. He can't depend on you to do everything for him.
I think, rather than nagging him, you need to sit him down and have a serious talk about anything and everything; your relationship, your jobs, school, his parents. There seems to be some deep-rooted psychological problems with this, and he needs to tell you whats going on. It sounds like, yes, he misses familiarity and needs to see his family, and some things i've already mentioned may be on his mind.
YES, you are justified in worrying about waiting forever for him to do something. You need to be honest and open with this guy, you are NOT being a bitchy snob. You are worrying about someone you love, which is perfectly natural. Please, do not blame this on yourself. By your description, you're headstrong, you're going places, you know what you want out of life, and no-one can blame you for trying to get there.
You love this guy, right? Is he going to be able to move away with you when you go to your job? I mean, if you don't see each other very often, how secure will you feel in a new environment without him? What about when you're out there meeting new people, and you find someone equally as nice as your boyfriend? I'm not trying to offend and I'm not trying to patronise, but it sounds like you've tried your hardest to do everything for this guy. Perhaps you should take a break from each other, who knows? That decision has to be yours, no-one can tell you how to deal with this.
Try and talk to him. Tell him the way you're feeling, ask him about his insecurities, tell him how you feel about the future. Good luck, I sincerly hope it works out for you xx
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You both are very different from each other. You work hard; he doesn't seem to have a lot of drive, even though he says he wants the results. He really seems to be happier with the status quo than you are. I understand that you care about him, but keep in mind he is not likely to change much. It will probably cause more resentment and conflict in the future.
"But the last thing I want is to marry someone who can't even pay his share of the bills!" Is he paying his bills now or are you taking on more than your share of the financial burden? If it is the first, you are just very different personalities. If it is the second, the relationship will not work out at all.
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Hello, you're givin me sumtin to read here. anyway, I didnt read the whole thing, sorry but here is a few suggestions on i guess some questions i've read. Your boyfriend here, maybe he should study hard and take a few courses. It's never to late and if he and you are concerned about the future he should really consider the thought. You and him could make a great couple, you're in love and if he doesn't know much he could learn alot off you. well, thats just a few suggestions, good luck to both of you!
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First I want to tell you that you are not the problem! You are doing nothing wrong. Don't blame yourself for his laziness. My first reaction is to tell you that he is a lazy bumb, with no motivation, and I don't think he will ever change. If I were you I would leave. But I am not you, and your in love with this man, and I understand how it is.
You are justified with wanting him to do something with his life. You are planing on making him part of your future, but you need a man that can be your partner, not a kid that needs taking care of. If you want him to grow up and start taking some responsiblity things have to change.
Tell him you love him, but if he can't start to do all these things he said he would do, you don't see a future in this relationship. You can't wait around forever hoping things might change. And you can't hold his hand any longer. If he wants to go to school it has to be him that makes it happen. It's time for him to grow up and be a man.
I do hope things change for you.
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Girl he is not a slacker nor a nag. Im going to assume your around 25-28. I may be wrong. Now the problem is he is somewhat unhappy where he is, how would you feel if you worked a nightshift and never went to college, but your boyfriend is landing their dream job after all that hard work? It just gets to people knowing that their lives are passing them by and when they see their loved ones succeed at times it become hard. And in his case I think he is hitting a crossroad between does he want to be a clerk all his life or does he want to do something but feels his failure would make him look less of a man. I hope this helped a little.
Chris
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First off, there is *nothing* wrong one your side of the fence. You are completly justified in feeling like you will be hanging around waiting for him forever. I'm tempted to tell you to ditch him and go find someone who is worthy of you, but you have made it clear that you do care about him, and want to stay.
I think you need to make it clear to him that this state of affairs cannot continue; either he bucks up his ideas or you are going to go solo. Its no good just talking about the future, if he wants to do these things he has to start NOW. You say it seems like he is just waiting for you to tell him what to do, but he's an adult. Its not up to you to run a round after him like he's a little kid.
I'm really not sure what to tell you other than you need to make it clear to him that this can't continue. I wish you good luck, and rember; none of this is *your* fault. *hug*
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