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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.
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I am 22 years old and Pete is 23, we both are 4 months out of college. We met my junior year and have been dating ever since. We broke up a little over a week ago. Things had been going downhill for a year though. Our first year together he was everything you could ever want. I knew he had a history of treating girls poorly (womanizer) but he was immediately committed to me. His friends said they have never seen him like that since they've known him. We had an amazing connection. He talked to me about everything, his dreams, his secrets, his feelings, his fears… He was in ROTC so talking about the military and his feelings about deployment were common.
One night, about a year ago, we got into a fight and he told me he was terrified of his feelings for me. He was sure I would "destroy" him. I tried to talk him down but I didn't hear from him for two days. When he came back he said he was sorry and that he loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me. But things were never the same. It happened sooooo slowly. First he stopped getting me gifts or coffee or doing cute little things for me. I would try to be flirty or fun with him and I would get completely shot down. The next thing was the texting and calling. His responses got slower and slower and shorter and shorter and then all of the sudden he just "didn't like talking on the phone". Even over the summer that we were long distance.
My senior year (his fifth year) he was always in a bad mood because all of his friends had graduated and he was incredibly busy. He wouldn't want to hang out and would use the excuse that it was my senior year and I should be "enjoying that time with my friends" which I totally appreciated but every once in awhile I wanted him to want to hang out with me… I knew things weren't good but they had happened so slowly and gradually that it was never such a huge shock that would make me say it was time to end it. I made excuses for him. He was tired. He missed his friends. He's working three jobs… He also made me feel crazy anytime I questioned his feelings. He completely stopped being affectionate, never wanted to have sex, and I honestly can only thing of three compliments he's given me in the last 6 months… But if I asked him what was wrong he would act like I was making problems out of nowhere or "being dramatic". He made me feel so insecure that I convinced myself I didn't need any of those things. That I didn't need to be complimented. I was secure in myself. I constantly wanted sex from him because I felt like that was the only time he was ever truly paying attention to me but he rarely wanted to do that either. That emotional connection that had been so great was gone. He said he just "doesn't let people in" but I had seen him do it… We had been there before. I felt like I was losing my mind. Was I making it all up? Is this just what happens after you date someone for a while?
Looking for post grad jobs we didn't try to be in the same city because we knew he would be stationed and deployed anyway. I have in been in one city and he has been in another 16 hours away for the last three months. We are both working full time. Things have just gotten worse. I felt like our conversations were so terrible that I wanted to talk MORE and he felt like I was "constantly clawing at him" for attention. He gets stationed in 5 months so I KNOW it is on his mind and that he is scared but he wouldn't talk to me about it. I didn't mean to be overbearing but I felt like I was starving for affection and love and emotion that I would start fights because I just wanted to feel SOMETHING from him. It finally hit the fan and he said he can't be in a relationship where the other person is so invested and he just doesn't feel that anymore. And even though I KNOW deep down that I wasn't asking for too much, now that we are broken up I constantly feel like I am the one that caused this to end. I feel like if I had just not asked for so much, had given him more space… We could have made it work. I fight the urge everyday to text and him say I will give him what he wants because I just love him SO MUCH. Has he messed with my head or did I really cause this?
This is not your fault in any way shape or form. If you need someone or something to blame then the blame rest with the 17 year war on terrorists. This probably won't make a lot of sense to you but I will try to explain what I think his problem may be or what his thinking is and it all hinges on his possible deployment.
When I was his age the Vietnam War was raging or to be politically correct it was called a Police Action. Some of my friends ran off to Canada, some married the first girl who said yes and some like me enlisted in their chosen branch of the military. For those of us who enlisted we fell in to two categories'. There were those ones who wanted someone home waiting for their return or to morn them and those of us who wanted no one but family waiting for us.
After reading what you wrote I believe your ex falls into the first Category; he doesn't want anyone waiting for him at home or to morn him. He made a commitment to ROTC most likely to pay for college and now he must give them the agreed upon service time. For whatever his reasons he feels his chances of surviving a deployment are not in his favor when statistically they are.
My advice is there is nothing you can do or say to change his mind especially living as far apart as you do. Have yourself a pity party then take my mother’s advice; "rebate you hook and go fishing again." "There are plenty of fish in the sea and there is a man out there looking for you. This relationship was not meant to be."
I was one of those guys who didn't want anyone waiting for me. I wasn't in a relationship in my senior year I dated around nothing serious. I had plenty of friends’ girls and guys to write to me and that was just fine. I was in the Air Force and chances of actually getting in a fire fight with the enemy was less then a Marine or Soldier.
As it turned out I was never stationed in the war zone my last duty station was just outside the war zone. I had no way of knowing that in advance. Six months after I came home I met my wife of 46 years and still going strong. For me it was the right thing to do and it just may be what he is thinking.
(Rating: 5) I think you gave me a lot of good insight into this issue. Knowing who he is as a person this makes so much more sense to me now. He is the type of person who would rather just go it alone. I think for him, it's not even the danger that he is considering, even though he will be an army officer in a combat branch (field artillery). I just know from what he has said about basic, being alone and single made it so much easier to get through. I think he has been trying to create distance for some time to make that adjustment easier. It still disappoints me. I still wish he would try and make it work, I wish he didn't feel like I am asking so much of him. But I suppose it is time to move on. Thank you for your insight!!