adviceman49's advice column

My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.

The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.

advice

When I was a small child I saw my biological father butt-naked around the house all the time. I have the image seared in my mind. That was from infancy to age 7. He did touch me at one period of time. He had porno on the television and he saw me in front of the tv in the little apartment/hotel/motel we were in. He saw an opportunity. He rubbed my genitals inside the underwear. There was a black vibrator about ten inches long and maybe 4-5 inches in diameter. He ordered it. A week later it arrived and he had porno on and he saw an opportunity. He touched my genitals with the vibrator. In that time period was the only time that I remember where he touched my genitals. I was probably 3-6 at the time. When I was little, I was with him when he went into the adult section at a movie rental store. I was with him when he picked himself out some women's thongs. He had secretly wanted to be a woman. Maybe because of they seemed to receive the better end of this filth. It's disgusting. He walked around not one time, but several times throughout those first seven years where he had no clothes on. He would use the toilet with the door opened. He walked around everywhere in the house with no clothes and in his sick mind. I can even remember that his thing. I don't want to speak to a therapist about this. I want to ask to someone whom can be of assistance here.

My problem now as a twenty-five-year-old is that when I'm nigh to males and females I have an intruding thought of the fact that they have genitals. This thought makes me have great anxiety. I have had this problem since I was a little girl because what happened to me. Nearly knows this happened to me but they do see the exterior which is I'm very awkward and weird around people. Now you know why. How do I get rid of this intruding thought problem? How can I sit with others and have a conversation to where I don't have the hidden problem making me stammer? I don't even care I get nervous around people. I hate that somewhere in my mind I am observing the hidden genitals. Don't get me wrong. I'm not imagining or picturing these genitals. It's only the concept of genitals; not the image. I don't want these intrusive thoughts anymore. I want to be able to be intimate with others sitting next to me.(Not intimate like sex - please you'd be missing my position here.) I mean like being personal next to someone confiding with them.

I know sometimes to be able to get rid of an intrusive thought that you have to resolve the inner issue. What is my inner issue? Why does this happen to me? How do I resolve this inner issue?

Let me first say how sorry I am that your father put you through this. No one not even a parent has a right to treat anyone as he dad you. Because of your age at the time, if you were to report it, he could very possibly still be charged with child abuse and sexual abuse of a minor.

You said you did not want to talk to a therapist about this. Unfortunately what has happened to you there is no pill to take or self-help program that will help you through this. What you need is extensive therapy with a psychologist.

Before I go any further with this understand when you speak to a psychologist whatever you say in therapy, one on one not group therapy, is totally confidential. Nothing you say can be reported to the police. Meaning the therapist cannot have your dad arrested unless you give written permission.

What the psychologist does with you is help you deal with this in a healthy manor. You will never forget what happened to you, therapy doesn't work that way. How it works is finding what triggers these memories and causes the anxieties that don't allow you to be intimate with others. You may even want to work towards having a normal sexual relationship. This is what the therapist and therapy is all about.

My sister and I have both been treated for clinical depression. Now depression runs in the family just why we suffered from it was surprising for both of us when we finally spoke to each other about it. Two different therapists helped us both come to the conclusion that we grew up in a dysfunctional home with a father that mentally abused us both in different ways. My sisters’ first marriage was ruined by her depression and the defenses she put up and almost ruined her second marriage. I fortunately married a strong woman though I came close to losing my family too.

We have not forgotten the years of abuse we had you never forget them. We have learned through therapy how to recognize the triggers that bring these memories forward and how to deal with them in a better manner. This is what therapy does for you.

My advice is if you truly want to be able to intimate with others, to live a normal life. Then the only way to do so is to find a psychologist you are comfortable with and get into therapy. You may have to try to or more therapists until you find one you are comfortable with. This is fine. You need to be comfortable with your therapist if you are going to be able to speak freely.

[view]

(Rating: 5) Thank you. I'll look into getting a therapist maybe at my campus. I indirectly asked my psychology teacher the same question and she referred me to the counseling on campus. I don't know if I want to have him charged bc I don't know if that's the right thing to do. I don't know if there is even any evidence other than my word; although when I was examined after being placed in care, they had suspected such. I wouldn't tell anyone as a child bc I was a select mute. My name here is xxn123

<<< Previous Advice Column

Next Advice Column >>>