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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.
advice
22/f
I have recently started suspecting that my mother may in fact be a narcissist. As I researched the subject further,it all started to make sense. It was now clear why she only acknowledges me if I do something that could be labeled as a success. Why she always yelled at me when I got sick,saying I was a burden to her then later apologized and said she was only worried about me. Why she twists my words and makes me feel like I don't even know what I'm saying. The list goes on...
She has even gone so far to demonize my boyfriend who she NEVER even met. She claims she did this because he is not worthy of me (as her arguments she used that he doesn't have a PhD,he is not rich nor exceptionally handsome.)
I struggled to explain to her that he is worthy and is the nicest guy I've ever dated but it was futile. I have to see him in secret now in order to maintain our relationship.
He and I are planning to move abroad next year to pursue a better life. When this time comes,I want her out of my life. She has done so much damage that I just cannot wait to be free of her. But I'm worried that this makes me a bad person. Am I evil and a spoiled brat for simply wanting peace after a 22-year-long destructive mother-daughter relationship?
If your evil for wanting to cut your mother out of your life then I am evil for cutting my father out of mine and I do not consider myself evil. For my entire life I saw my father as the evil person in my life. I was blamed by him for all his trouble you see I was not planned I just happened. I felt little if any love from him.
I was more than twice your present age when something happened that placed the proverbial straw on the camel's back. I informed my sister she would have to deal with her father for I was done. I wrote him the nastiest letter I have ever written until then and since outlining every hurt he ever did to me as far back as I could remember which was back to my early childhood as I have photographic memory. I told him I wanted an apology and reparations for what he took from me and most of all I wanted an apology to my wife for what he said to her or he was not to contact me, my wife or his grandson.
Most narcissists will never apologize for they are never wrong and my father never apologized even when proven wrong. I never spoke to him again and when he died I did not feel obligated to attend his funeral.
My answer to you is NO I would not consider you an evil person. I would say before you cut your mother from your life that you give her the option of changing the way she treats you. Narcissists are also controllers. Your mother is trying to control your life and that you cannot allow.
I would suggest you sit down and write your mother a letter as I did my father. In that letter you explain to her that you just can no longer tolerate the way she treats you. You are an adult and have a right to your own life run as you see fit to run it.
If she wants to have a relationship with you then she has to change. You will no longer listen to any criticism or suggestions from her. If she wants to know what is going on in your life you will be happy to tell her. Unless she is willing to be supportive of what your doing you are not interested or want her opinion, suggestions or criticisms.
Those are the rules under which she can have a relationship with you in the future. If she cannot abide by the rules then you do not want her contacting you any more. You can add if you wish any circumstances such as a medical emergency and how she may contact you. I would suggest a third party be used as I had to change my phone number. I changed both my cell and home numbers.s as my father got it into his head to start harassing me by calling at 2 or 3 in the morning and just hanging up when I answered.
(Rating: 5) Wow,I'm really sorry about your situation, I wish there were less unsupportive parents. But thank you for your advice. As you suggested, I will make rules and if she won't abide by them, she's out for good. Thank you very much.