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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.
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Hey there, to start this question off I think there are a few important things to point out. I am currently a 20 year old girl attending college and a member of a sorority. If you were not or do not know anyone in a sorority, the dynamics of a certain relationship that I discuss (my pledge sister) may not make a lot of sense but I would still love your input if you feel you have some to give!
Okay, so this girl. She is in my pledge class in my sorority which means we were initiated the same year. It is probably safe to say that she was not universally well liked, and made quite a few enemies within the house. I never really got close to her but I always went out of my way to be a little nicer to her just because I hated the way people would often ignore or treat her. Yes, she could be a pretty mean individual but sometimes I think those people need the most kindness in their life. She previously had a relationship with a young man that we will call Henry. They dated for about a month, a year and a half ago. I never met him, because as I said, we weren't really friends. Fast forward to now. I meet this guy one night and we immediately hit it off. Instant chemistry, and we leave the evening with a kiss. I told one of my friends about him and she goes, wait, isn't that (girl mentioned above)'s ex boyfriend? And my heart dropped to my chest. Come to find out the next morning, she had heard about it and while upset, told another girl that she didn't really care. I still felt a little weird about the whole situation and decided not to pursue him.
Well, he decided to pursue me. And for about two weeks we just texted, and I thought, okay no harm there, if anything I will realize that it was just a one time spark and I can move on. But everything about him fascinated me. And I felt myself falling for him. He asked me on a date and I felt every bone in my body screaming to say yes. But I decided to wait until I talked to that girl. When I did she seemed a little ticked, but more or less gave her blessing. Well, after the date, long after the date, she changed her mind. After about two months of Henry and I more or less dating she confronted me telling me I was a horrible sister and a horrible friend. She felt that I was always the person closest to her in our sorority and she couldn't believe I would stab her in the back like that. She claimed, "he was my boyfriend, I loved him, this looks horrible on you" and the more she explained it the more I felt guilty. I didn't know what to do, so I went to talk to Henry.
He told me a bunch of wild things, like how this girl had lied to him about being pregnant so that he wouldn't leave her and eventually admitted that she in fact lying. He said he completely regrets dating her and that in truth, he never even considered her his girlfriend. Now this could be him not telling the whole truth or trying to downplay it. It doesn't really matter because the truth is I hurt this girl, and I am in the wrong.
But I am so falling for him and I feel that I don't truly have an obligation to this girl besides this sorority. I just feel a lot of guilt and even though my friends say "oh its fine" how can I be fine when I'm hurting someone that I took an oath to respect?
What do I do?
From my point of view you have gone above and beyond. The problem is all on her. Your part now is to enjoy your relationship with Henry.
Here is my perspective on this. The salient point is this; "They dated for about a month, a year and a half ago." Eighteen months is a long time long enough that she no longer has any title to him and he is fair game to anyone he meets such as yourself.
A very poor example of what she is telling you is; "you can't buy that dress because I like it but I can't afford it." For whatever reason, which has no point after all this time, they are not a match. You and Henry seem to be a match and you have every right and reason to pursue this relationship with him.
My thoughts on why she changed her mind, she still holds some type of candle for him and sees your relationship going further than hers. If she breaks you two up she can hurt him. Simply put she is looking for revenge on him which she can have by breaking you two up.
Sorority sister or not you owe her noting. Her claim to Henry expired long ago. Enjoy your relationship with Henry and I hope it works out as you hope for.
(Rating: 5) Thank you so much for your answer! You brought up a lot of good points and definitely reassured me a little. How would you recommend any action from here on? Do I let her make the first move in terms of reconciliation should she ever want it? I feel that after my apology and refusal to stop seeing him, I have really nothing else to say...