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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.
advice
I'm 18/f.
My ex broke up with me exactly a year and 5 months ago, (wow) August 30th, 2014 and I think i'm pretty much still yearning for him although i don't want a relationship with him. It's just sexual and I know its a bad idea but it's all I wanted. Now i just want to lose my virginity to eliminate that 10% of want i still have for him. But there is a problem with this.
The friend that I have in mind has had sex with at least 8 other girls. There is a girl who lives close to where his father lives that he goes to see (pretty rarely actually), and he just received a blowjob for the first time from another friend of mine about 2 weeks ago that he used to have a crush on (but that might end anyway, she said to me that she is "already bored" lol). At the same time he and I might become friends with benefits. Even though if I start to have sex with him I would be the most frequent (and most exciting) one, that's 3 girls he's going to be having sexual contact with at least occasionally, and that's a possible STD or STI I might get. I don't want that complication, but I really don't think i can afford to wait any longer, I might go crazy.
I'm still thinking about sex with my ex and its driving me crazy. I can't just look for someone else because no one will match what I'm looking for, then on top of that I want to be sexually compatible with the guy. That will take too much effort.
I don't want to want my ex at all. I don't want to want anything to do with him but a part of me still doesn't know what dignity is. So I want to kill that part of me. I know that my friend and I are sexually compatible enough, and he likes my body and I like his body but we would never date each other (he has even told me he makes a horrible boyfriend, and i know exactly what he's talking about), SO IT'S PERFECT because I don't want any of my relationships to start off as just sex anyway. It would just be a mistake.
This friend was the one that I went to on the occasions when I was missing my ex really bad. He's a good listener, and I appreciate that, this is how i know he is totally worthy of having a girl like ME lose her virginity to him. He has been so patient and kind to me. I'm even starting to fantasize about him. This is a huge, really big sign because for the whole time I had feelings for my ex, I had dreams and fantasized about him and only him (we're talking, over 2 years of me being completely sexually focused on him, yes including the 4 months of me just admiring him and the 2 months of actual talking) and I'm finally done. Now I'm just waiting until I start having dreams about my friend for more encouragement that I'm really done. I'm excited and scared and preoccupied with birth control and I need to talk to him about getting tested, etc. Being a virgin is so annoying...
So, my question is: Would this be a mistake? I am 100% sure I'm ready to lose my virginity, but I'm not sure if this will solve my problem. It's really a priority in my life. I don't want to be in love with my first love forever, like they say. Not even a little bit. No, thank you
Thank you for reading and being in my brain for a little bit. I appreciate it and I hope you have a great day because they all are :)
There are really four separate issues here to discuss.
1. First Loves
2. Losing your virginity
3. First Time sex for the sake of just losing your virginity.
4. Birth control and STDS
First time lovers; you say; I don't want to be in love with my first love forever. First time loves stay with a person almost forever. More so with women but men remember their first loves with fondness as well. There is a difference though in remembering a first love and staying in love with a first love. You will remember this boy for many years because he was and always will be your first love. There can never be another first love. But you will not continue to love him the way you did or the way you will your future husband. Your first love will fade as a lover as you experience new love and a lasting relationship though you may never forget him.
Losing you virginity: TO have first sex just to lose your virginity I have to caution against. You will later resent doing so. To seduce this friend into having sex with you so you can lose your virginity is also fraught with pitfalls.
Entering a sexual relationship where there is not a mutual attraction and loving relationship is a great way to lose a great friendship. I'm sure you have heard about people who have friends with benefits. It is a great relationship to know there is someone you can call for sex when you want it with no strings attached. The problem is in almost everyone of these relationships one of the partners, not always the female, starts to have feelings for the other. If the feelings are not reciprocated the friendship breaks up. You lose twice for you not only lose a sex partner but you lose a great friend.
First Time sex just to lose your virginity: You are just 18 while legally an adult and have every right to a sex life. I caution you to wait until you find the right person to have sex with for the first time. TO have sex just for the sake of losing your virginity is going to be very unfulfilling and you will regret it later. I'm not saying you should wait until you find the man you want to marry. You should wait until you find someone you can have a relationship with that is not going to be a one night stand. Who will respect you and appreciate the gift you are giving to him.
Losing your virginity can be painful enough. It can be more painful if the man your with has no real feeling for you and just wants to get his satisfaction and not worry about you. If he has feelings for you and understands the trust you are placing in him with this gift then losing you virginity will not be more painful than it has to be. It will be an experience you hopefully will have fond memories of and it should be.
Birth control and STD's: Yes you should be on birth control before having sex, it is the responsible adult thing to do. You should also carry condoms in your purse for you should never let a guy have sex with you unless he wears a condom even though you are on birth control.
When I was your age the girls had a motto, "no rubber, no lover." Remember this motto for it is important not only for the added birth control they offer. Condoms protect against many of the STD's out there and THE HIV/AIDS virus.
When I was your age AIDS had not shown its ugly head in this country so we were not worried about it. MOST STDS were curable with a shot of Penicillin and were not epidemic. Condoms were at the time the primary form of birth control. With a woman on birth control and the male using a condom the protection offered goes from 95% to 99.995 percent or just about no chance of getting pregnant.
You have every right to be concerned about pregnancy and STDS. You should not be frozen in fear as there are ways to protect yourself. We have discussed pregnancy and condom usage. If you are in a relationship with someone long term and you are thinking of entering into a sexual relationship. The proper thing for you both to do is to get tested. Then you know you are both safe.
In short my advice is to wait until you find the right guy to give you virginity to. Get on birth control so that you are ready and to carry condoms in your purse. Sex for the first time especially for the women should be something special. It should take place someplace that is comfortable and safe. Someplace you will not be intruded upon. Hopefully it will be a memorable experience if done with the right guy.
(Rating: 2) I really don't think you understood my question, therefore your answer is not very helpful...