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Hi I'm in pieces and don't know what to do. I've been with my husband 20 years we have a 10 year old daughter and 7 year old son we also foster a 6 year old girl. We seem to have everything you could dream of enough money, perfect jobs, joy and happiness, nice cars, perfect kids but where do you go from there when you've reached all your goals. I know my husband is displaying every sign of a midlife crisis and is struggling maybe even depressed. He's 38 & I'm 37. I found out 2 weeks ago he's been having an affair for 4 months with a girl 24 year old who has a toddler. When I found out he said he'd hoped I would because he was trying to break it off with her for a while. He says he feels sorry for her as she was physically abused by her babies father and her mam has kidney failure. I held him close while he cried for his loss after he ended it with her. We planned how we would try to save our marriage we researched on the internet how to cope with the addiction of an affair etc how all contact had to be severed and things have been great. We spent 24/7 together for 2 weeks, made love every day went out together and he showed me every text and call she sent him in the first week and we handled them together telling her to back off he wants to be with us. it seems he really wants to make things work. Even planning an expensive holiday for us in 5 months time. But I found him phoning her when he was drunk tonight in the toilet and I checked his phone and he'd been phoning her all day from the toilets while I was at a football match with him. He's saying he's been telling her all day she's not worth losing his family for but I don't know if I believe him why would he keep phoning her could it just be because of the huge amount of alcohol? He's begged me for another chance saying he slipped up and wants us he's broke down screaming in the foetal position asking me to help him. He broke his heart saying goodbye to the kids. I was so mad that he'd been speaking to her today and my lack of trust made it worse, I shouted at him really angrily telling him he's ruined our family and he's had his chance. so I phoned his sister to come and get him. He was in a hysterical state when they arrived and had to be helped out of the door. It broke my heart but I felt so betrayed! He came to me and said he was sorry when he left but I said I don't want to hear it. My daughter heard everything and is devastated. She's texting him and calling him begging him to love me and pleading for him to come back. I can't function I'm having what I think is a panic attack, struggling to breath, pounding head, vomiting, shaking etc I can't cry as my daughter is beside me. I don't know what to do, I love him so so much but I've sent him to his sisters and I don't know if I've been to hard on him and he won't come back. Should I call him to work on helping him again and try to save our marriage or should I leave it up to him to approach me? Thank you for listening I've got no one to talk to and would love a third parties perspective on this. Mandy (link)
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From experience I know it can be repaired.
First, talk to your daughter & get her to understand that this is between you & your husband & has nothing to do with her. He is feeling enough guilt about it & she is just keeping it going. You also don't want her feeling like any decisions you guys make on this issue have anything to do with her.
You forgive him or you don't. That decision is yours & yours alone. If you decide you want to work it out, you will have to let it go. You discuss it, you let him know you are not going to put up with any phone calls to her. Drunk or not, there is no excuses. He either wants you or he wants her. He needs to decide.
He needs a new phone number. He best not be giving it to her. He has NO CONTACT (and neither do you) with her. No answering her phone calls, no telling her he is staying with you. She already knows that & is just pleading. To bad for her. She can go bug somebody else because yours is done with her. NO CONTACT. If he can't stick with that, you go your own way.
Remember, The decision is yours. Either way you will do fine. If you cannot get past it & decide to leave, do it. Do not let your children make you feel guilty one way or the other. It is not their decision to make. You both love them regardless.
Best of luck. It is not easy but it can be done.
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Rating: 5
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Thank you for replying to my post it's lovely to have someone to talk to I feel so alone. Your advice gave me strength I keep reading it over and over to try and get a perspective on this dreadful situation. If you want to can I update you on how things go in case I need your help again?
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