|
Infidelity and second chances does he deserve another one?
Hi I'm in pieces and don't know what to do. I've been with my husband 20 years we have a 10 year old daughter and 7 year old son we also foster a 6 year old girl. We seem to have everything you could dream of enough money, perfect jobs, joy and happiness, nice cars, perfect kids but where do you go from there when you've reached all your goals. I know my husband is displaying every sign of a midlife crisis and is struggling maybe even depressed. He's 38 & I'm 37. I found out 2 weeks ago he's been having an affair for 4 months with a girl 24 year old who has a toddler. When I found out he said he'd hoped I would because he was trying to break it off with her for a while. He says he feels sorry for her as she was physically abused by her babies father and her mam has kidney failure. I held him close while he cried for his loss after he ended it with her. We planned how we would try to save our marriage we researched on the internet how to cope with the addiction of an affair etc how all contact had to be severed and things have been great. We spent 24/7 together for 2 weeks, made love every day went out together and he showed me every text and call she sent him in the first week and we handled them together telling her to back off he wants to be with us. it seems he really wants to make things work. Even planning an expensive holiday for us in 5 months time. But I found him phoning her when he was drunk tonight in the toilet and I checked his phone and he'd been phoning her all day from the toilets while I was at a football match with him. He's saying he's been telling her all day she's not worth losing his family for but I don't know if I believe him why would he keep phoning her could it just be because of the huge amount of alcohol? He's begged me for another chance saying he slipped up and wants us he's broke down screaming in the foetal position asking me to help him. He broke his heart saying goodbye to the kids. I was so mad that he'd been speaking to her today and my lack of trust made it worse, I shouted at him really angrily telling him he's ruined our family and he's had his chance. so I phoned his sister to come and get him. He was in a hysterical state when they arrived and had to be helped out of the door. It broke my heart but I felt so betrayed! He came to me and said he was sorry when he left but I said I don't want to hear it. My daughter heard everything and is devastated. She's texting him and calling him begging him to love me and pleading for him to come back. I can't function I'm having what I think is a panic attack, struggling to breath, pounding head, vomiting, shaking etc I can't cry as my daughter is beside me. I don't know what to do, I love him so so much but I've sent him to his sisters and I don't know if I've been to hard on him and he won't come back. Should I call him to work on helping him again and try to save our marriage or should I leave it up to him to approach me? Thank you for listening I've got no one to talk to and would love a third parties perspective on this. Mandy
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
From my point of view I do not see where you have done anything wrong. I understand your daughter is upset and I will address that shortly. First I want to address what you are feeling.
Sending your husband away is probably the right thing to do. It does not mean your marriage is over. Sometimes a time out is needed. In this instance your husband has to see what he could be losing if he does not completely separate himself from this other women?
You have been more understanding than most other women would have been in the same situation. Most women would not have forgiven let alone allowed him back in their bed and made love with him. Sure many women would have said, for a variety of reasons, that they wanted try and save their marriage. But it would be a cold day in hell before they trusted him or allowed him to make love to them.
You can blame the alcohol for him calling her. Alcohol does lower ones inhibitions. So doing also says that he may not have completely separated himself from her and his lowered inhibitions brought out the truth of the situation. The question is now is he remorseful because he got caught or that he really wants to work things out and is willing to make a true effort at it.
Marriage counseling will help as it will allow you to speak openly about how you feel both in private sessions and together. Counseling by itself will not save your marriage though. You have been hurt and he has to earn back your trust. Just how he needs to do that is something you will know when you see it. It is not something I can suggest or point out. What I can say is that since you are at this time living apart you might start by dating again. Real dates not husband and wife going out on the town for the night. See if he remembers what it is like to show a woman a good time without any expectations of sex at the end of the evening.
Now for the children. Children can be very resilient and understanding if you explain things to them at a level they can understand. For instance even as young as your daughter is she understands that parents’ divorce. She knows this from children at school. You need to assure her that this is not happening now.
You say to her something to the effect that mommy and daddy still love each other and that of course they both love her and always will. Right now mammy and daddy are having an argument as adults sometimes do. That you and daddy are working things out and hopefully daddy will be coming home soon. You need your husband to send this same message to her so that she is getting a unified message.
Should you marriage end up heading for divorce then I suggest family counseling to allow a psychologist or child psychologist help you with getting the children to understand why this is happening.
]
Hi there. A heart-wrenching post on the dmage infidelity causes in a long term relationship. I believe your informative writing has given me a fairly good 'sketch' of you both though. Naturally, you are devastated...rightly so. I get a good idea that your self-esteem is in better condition than his, despite everything. I'd say his attraction to a rather 'needy' young woman has possibly aroused feelings of sympathy and of 'wanting feeling needed'. The desire for attention. And you mention that rather thorny 'mid-life crisis' angle, which is a notoriously difficult time. You seem to be taking the more positive view by far. He will be feeling a lot of guilt. Add this to what I believe is rooted in a self-esteem issue for him...and he is likely to 'wallow in it' as it were, and be very reluctant to (even scared to) approach you. So I believe that IF you intend to rebuild the relationship, then YOU will have to make most (all?) of the running at this stage. It might be tempting to 'let him stew' with a 'You wait...you'll regret this.' mindset. I would say he is deeply regretting it already. You have the moral and emotional upper hand I think? This does not strike me as the action of a man who was ever intending to choose the younger woman in preference to you and form a lasting relationship with her. More a knee-jerk reaction to low self-esteem, identity issues often associated with mid-life years and a a desire to be needed. Hope this helps as a third-party observation? And my best wishes to you. C.
]
From experience I know it can be repaired.
First, talk to your daughter & get her to understand that this is between you & your husband & has nothing to do with her. He is feeling enough guilt about it & she is just keeping it going. You also don't want her feeling like any decisions you guys make on this issue have anything to do with her.
You forgive him or you don't. That decision is yours & yours alone. If you decide you want to work it out, you will have to let it go. You discuss it, you let him know you are not going to put up with any phone calls to her. Drunk or not, there is no excuses. He either wants you or he wants her. He needs to decide.
He needs a new phone number. He best not be giving it to her. He has NO CONTACT (and neither do you) with her. No answering her phone calls, no telling her he is staying with you. She already knows that & is just pleading. To bad for her. She can go bug somebody else because yours is done with her. NO CONTACT. If he can't stick with that, you go your own way.
Remember, The decision is yours. Either way you will do fine. If you cannot get past it & decide to leave, do it. Do not let your children make you feel guilty one way or the other. It is not their decision to make. You both love them regardless.
Best of luck. It is not easy but it can be done.
]
More Questions: |