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I haven't spoken to my father in 8 months, Let me begin...
A year ago, My oldest sister and my father had a fight as my father is remarried and my oldest sister never saw eye to eye with her. My stepmother is very manipulative and often told my sister the right and wrongs of how to raise her children. Eventually, My father had felt that my sister was coming between him and his wife because my sister had stated that she doesn't appreciate her stating her opinions also she wrote a letter regarding her feelings towards my father. My father never really seem like he wanted me or my sister in his life, His time spent with us were almost as if they were a burden to him as he put his wife before his kids.
My father had called my oldest telling her (at 8 months) to have a nice life, Leaving behind her and her 3 children at the time. I was bothered from the beginning and over time my relationship with my father began to fade due to lack of respect and gradually I began to feel my step mother had got her way. It is now 8 months later since I have spoken to my father, I have been wanting to write him a letter for quiet some time now and I haven't had the sense to even know how I would approach it as I just cut complete contact without saying a word. I feel I need closure and that letting my father know how I truly feel is never too late, Although it will not solve the issue I would like to let him know that I will no longer be involved in his life and why. What I am asking is should I do this? I need opinions and much is appreciated
Thank you (link)
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I advise you not to do it.
This happened in my own family. My dad was married many times and some of the women weren't the most pleasant creatures. Especially the next to the last one. When my daughter, who was then 3 years old climbed on his lap during a Christmas visit, this woman was jealous. As soon as my daughter hopped down to get something, she jumped on his lap so my daughter couldn't get back up there.
My youngest brother who was about a high school freshman was told he couldn't visit anymore (by her). She felt he was old enough that he didn't need to be staying every other weekend with his dad. Besides, she liked running around in her bra & it just wouldn't be appropriate with a young teenage boy in the house. I'd like to add that this woman had a butt so big & wide she could stand behind a pick up truck and hide the tailgate. My 14 year old brother was not interested in looking at her.
My brother continued to visit a couple more years.
This woman's hate for him grew. When he married & had a child of his own she told him not to come visit anymore. She didn't like his kids. Same story with my sister and other brothers. They stopped visiting my dad.
I kept visiting only because my attitude was she may not like me but I'm not here to see her. I very "sweetly" ignored most of her barbs and my
husband did the same. If she expressed jealousy over my kids, I made a joke about how a grown woman was jealous of a little baby girl. It continued until he got rid of that one and moved on.
His last wife was very much the opposite. Having come from a family where her own children ignored her unless she had money to hand over, she always enjoyed seeing us and our kids.
By this time though 15 or 20 years had passed for my brothers and sisters. Especially my youngest brother. His oldest kids were all grown & almost graduated from high school. After 20 years its a little difficult to just show up and try to resume a relationship.
My dad discovered a couple of years ago that he had an abdominal aneurysm. In testing him for surgery, they discovered he had a pretty aggressive form of lung cancer. They couldn't fix the aneurysm because the cancer was to far advanced. His wife had a big BBQ and invited everyone. All the kids and grands came except my 2 younger brothers. Heck my mom even came, his first of the 4 wives.
About a week later the aneurysm broke. He had surgery but it was doubtful he would wake from it. They keep you in a drug induced coma for 24 hours or so after a surgery like that to help the body heal. My dad never took very well to knock out drugs. Of course the medical staff thought they knew better than us & didn't give him enough. Thankfully my youngest brother put pride aside and showed up to see him. When dad heard him he woke for just long enough to tell my brother he loved him. They were his last words.
He was given stronger knock out drugs & he never woke again.
I tell you this story so you will understand that time & things change. Don't let this woman bully you or your sister. Don't allow what she says or thinks keep you from visiting your dad.
Yes indeed he should be supporting his kids against her, but it doesn't always work that way. You will both have to understand that your dad is married to a freaking idiot. For whatever reason your dad loves her. Love sometimes makes a man stupid. Sorry men but its true. I've also found that dads have a hard time expressing their feelings to their kids. I'll always be grateful to his last wife for making my dad realize its OK
to tell your kids you love them. Don't just assume they know, she'd tell him. They need to hear it now and then. Your dad just doesn't know
how to express his feelings. He may also feel some guilt for divorcing your mom & not being in your life more.
Here is the thing. If you all stay away and write dad off. This bitch wins. She gets just exactly what she wanted. Your dad all to herself. Don't let her win. My brother feels somewhat better that he got to let my dad know he loved him. He also feels terribly bad that he missed so many years of visiting him now and then. My dad never got to know his kids. He will never get over that.
So don't write that letter. Hard as it will be, get that sister of yours and go visit. Don't let some woman bully you into staying away. Life is way to short to keep a family feud going. This woman tries to tell you or your sister how to raise your kids, ignore her like her stupid little opinion doesn't matter. Don't argue with
her. It just makes you guys look bad. IGNORE HER.
Be polite when you have to speak to her, but don't go out of your way to talk to her. She will keep it up and soon look like the bully she is to your dad.
If your dad didn't have some feelings for your sister, he wouldn't have taken the time to call her and say what he did. His feelings are hurt.
Believe me, it would have been much easier for him to remain silent & go on with his life.
Its ok not to like this woman, but don't let her ruin the lives of your family.
Best of luck.
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Rating: 5
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I'm sorry to hear about your father, As far as my situation goes I've tried to visit my father one on one and tried to ignore her but it just never worked...It was always about her no matter how respectful I was.
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