Belladonna's advice column

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Q: okay soo i have a boyfriend...before i even met my boyfriend i really liked this other guy and we havnt talked since school was out and now we talk every nigght and i think im starting to fall for him again he flirts with me back which makes me want him more i dont know what he thinks about me but my friends think i have a chance with him i really dont wanna do anything because i already have a boyfriend...its just soo tempeing to like just let him know how i feel cause im that kinda person that just cant keep anything in i like, speak out i dont know how much longer i can keep this in! i really like him but i cant! please help me!

It certainly seems that you totally dig this guy. The problem is you have a boyfriend. WNo doubtedly he'll be upset when he hears you like another guy, but these things happen. Feelings come so fast, it stands to reason they can go away as fast, especially at a young age. Don't feel guilty or anything that you like another guy.

As for telling this guy, just be straight and frank with him. Don't "beat around the bush". Tell him that you really enjoy talking to him and that you think you may have feelings for him. Tell him that if they aren't returned, you don't want to let it ruin the friendship. It definitley seems that he likes you -- so you should totally explain to him how you feel. If you feel confident about telling him, then just do it. You should never miss a chance to tell someone how you feel.

Good luck.

Q: Alright lets start from the very start.. I used to have very short hair and glasses that made my eyes look bug eyed.. Well last year I got contacts (which I must say has changed my life) and My hair has grown out and is very long (blonde) and my eyes are deep green.. Well lets just say I have not had an easy time. Before I got contacts people would pick on me about my glasses and my hair. Well when I went into 8th grade My hair was long and I had contacts so they didnt have a reason to pick on me but yet.. people still tryd. They called me fat and other things, and Im not fat at all im 5'6 and im 110 pounds.. I dont call that fat! but I believed them and thanks to them I have been stuck with eating disorders on and off sense.. But I am trying my best to stay away from eating dissorders and I have been good for about a month now. I did have bfs but i also had boy troubles.. none of my relation ships last long. the longest was a monnth. now I am going into highschool and I want to be noticed and i would like to not be picked on as much. I think it would also really be nice to find a guy that I could be with for atleast a while.. and make alot of guy friends. I dont have that many guy friends because I am very guy shy. and it seems guys like to use me alot.. Like just the other day I was at my guy friends house and he kept wanting to do stuff with me.. I reegret going over because if I am going to be sexual active at all I would like to be in a relation ship with someone I really think I like alot or more. Well sense I am going into highschool id like to have a fresh start! and Id liek to make alot more guy friends that could possibly lead to a good relation ship.. Do you have any advice on how I could not be shy.. or anything?

Love maddie

Hey there Maddie. =)

Good news: Guys are much better at high school. On a whole they're a lot more mature and intelligent.

Relationships at your age never last very long. Don't count on that changing, either. It's the same for everyone. Since you're growing up, you're constantly changing, so the person you thought you liked you suddenly find yourself NOT liking.

As for starting high school, don't try too hard or come across as eager. Just play it cool, and be friendly and approachable to people. Remember that everyone else is probably as nervous as you. Don't listen to what anyone ever says about your appearance. You will never please everyone, and even who are movie-stars now say they got teased at school! So people will always find something to pick on. Don't take it to heart; or let it get under your skin. I got picked on as well, and I learned that what bullies feed off is reaction. If you don't show it gets to you, they won't do it. Try and avoid situations where you could be prone to be picked on - make sure to always be surrounded by people. You really sound lovely, so I'm sure that being picked on won't be a problem!

As for guy friends, don't be scared of guys. Treat them exactly as you would your female friends. Often you'll find guys can make better friends than girls.
Don't ever be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do with guys. Sex is a choice that only you SHOULD make when YOU feel ready. It should be meaningful and only done with someone whom you've been with a long time and care deeply for. You may/may not find this person in high school.

Starting high school can be scary, but you'll settle in soon enough. LEt me know how it goes!

Q: my soon to be boyfriend goes too far sometimes. he comes over to hang out a lot and we cuddle and everything but sometimes his hands wander and i want him to stop. it's really uncomfortable for me and i want him to stop but i don't wanna seem like a prude. i've tried moving around to get him to move his hands but i don't know, there's just something weird about it. my past two boyfriends have been really verbally abusive and my last boyfriend hit me a lot right before we broke up and after we broke up and i still don't trust guys and i don't know if i should continue hanging out with this new guy. i know he really cares about me and has for a while. he took a lot of crap from me before we started hanging out. i lead him on and broke his heart when i hooked up with a different guy. HELP. i'm a girl btw.

Most teenage guys will try and get more - sometimes more than you're willing to do. It's up to you to set the boundaries. A genuine guy will respect your boundaries. Have a polite talk with him and tell him you're not ready for that kind of thing just yet, but when you are, you'll let him know. All guys try it, it's just in their nature. It doesn't mean that he's a pervert or anything, or that you shouldn't trust him. But if he gets mad, then you should ditch him.

Remember, you don't "owe" him anything despite bad things in the past. You should never do more than you're willing to do, if you think you're going to regret it later. It's your choice, and hopefully he respects it.

All the best.

Q: Well, which one would you choose?

Option 1 - University: All I have to do there is study art, math, physics and english. It's a 4 year program, and once i get the diploma i can get one hell of a job. The thing is that i don't know anyone there, I'm only 16 and i don't think i'm that good at art and design. But I love art and i've been in love with it since forever.

Option 2 - School: I get to do the IB program, which I've been waiting to do since forever. I get to do IB music, IB higher maths and IB higher french, and a bunch of standard subjects. I know everyone in my class, but i won't have my best friend there with me. I get to study my fave subjects, and since I'm planning on becoming a guitarist one day, IB music sounds like heaven to me. The only thing I'm afraid of is that I'll be lonely.

I'm already accepted at the uni and I'm only 16. But I'd LOVE to do higher music. (My plan is to transfer to the states and do music as my major after art).

I'm kinda stuck here. Please help?

Thanks loads.

Troubled Artist

This is just what I would do. I would stay at school, as it seems you have a lot more opportunities. I wouldn't rush to university at 16 - I'd try and get as much high school education as I could (the more education you get, the better university you can get into, and better course, and thus better job =P) And if your dream is music, then it sounds ideal to me. You should always try and pursue your dreams, no matter what.

It seems the only thing you're worried about is your best friend with the second choice. Well, that's not too much of a big deal - I can understand that you'll feel lonely, but I'm sure you'll make other friends. You can still see your best friend. Don't opt for whatever she's doing just because you want her company. Only do what YOU want to do and what's the best for you.

In the end though, it's really your choice. It's your future, so you must decide what YOU want to do. All the best with whatever decision you make. =)

Edit: BTW.. if you'd like to discuss this further my MSN is thecremianqueen@hotmail.com and my aim S/N is ChateauRomani87

Q: Posted Saturday July 02 2005, 12:46 am
I have a small but confusing problem, to do with my friend.(I'll call him John)John's dad is a CEO and he has been out of the country for the past 10 months. He got back almost a week ago and saturday he sat down his family and confessed that he had been unfaithful to John's mother durring the 10 months. This really shook up John, he's scared, confused and really unsure of alot of things right now. And he came to me. And I don't know how to respond to this. I want to be supportive and I don't know what I would do if I were him. And he's alot more than a friend, and about 3 years older. What would you do if you were in our situation?

There really isn't a lot you can do but be there for him. He's probably in a state of shock right now about the news.. he's probably mad at his father and upset too. It must be really difficult for him right now. Ask him if he wants to talk about and be sure to listen to what he has to say. He probably just needs someone to 'rant' to right now. If he doesn't want to talk about, then it's best to get his mind off it for now. You should take him out and have a good time.. see a movie or something. People deal with things in different ways - some bottle things up, others are very open with how they're feeling. Work around what he wants to do, and just try and be a friend to him. After the initial shock is over, I'm sure he'll be okay.

Q: A week ago, my friend dumped her boyfriend (my crush) and 2 days later he told me he liked me. I said i like him too and we are together now. But he really doesnt act like he likes me. I mean when he was with my friend, he would follow her but he doesnt do that to me, and once on msn i said I love you to him and he just didnt say anything...im worried that i might be some kind of rebound girl...=( please help!!

I'll put it straight: I doubt someone would get over someone that quickly (2 days)
I hate to break it to you, but it really does sound to me like you are just on the rebound. A clear indicator of this is the fact that he was dumped - it wasn't the other way round. So he was probably mad and figured that he'd try and make her jealous by dating her friend. I'm sorry you had to get caught up in it. And I could always be wrong; but this is just how it seems to be (and this does happen quite often unfortunately)

Of course, your best bet is to ask him straight out "why are you acting different with me?" and see what he says. Hopefully, if he's a genuine guy he'll fess up on how he's truly feeling.

All the best.

Q: Does any one know any skin products that actually work against acne?? and btw, is it true that eating chocolate gives you more break outs? does tanning really get rid of them?? And does thinking dirty thoughts give more zits?? or are all of these just myths?? Thank you bunces! Kisses/Mariana

Cetaphil is good. It's a face wash which doesn't dry out your skin too much, but gets rid of the oil and unclogs the pores.
I found tea tree oil to be very good for getting rid of zits too. You can usually get something called a 'tea tree oil blemish stick' or just look for anything containing it in your chemist. It really works.

If your case is quite extreme, I got this cream called 'Differin' from my Doctor and it's wonderful. It was a little on the pricey side, but it cured my problem within days. It's a proper antibiotics cream.. so I guess you'd only get it if nothing else worked for you and it was getting out of hand.

Good luck! Acne is a bitch, but everyone gets it at some point, and it CAN be beaten. =)

Q: well at a family reunion i got to see my cousins that i havent seen in a long time. well i got to know a male cousin of mine and we became good friends. but the whole reunion i mostly hung out with this cousin and another female cousin and we been kinda tight. well i dont get to see this cousin very often because he lives in a different state. and so whenever i see him at church its kind of a surprise and i go talk to him. but i think i like him and it's weird and i cant help it. even though he's adopted into the family hes not really a relative and its not like hes my 1st 2nd or 3rd cousin. hes a little out there but hes still my cousin. and i dont want to seem nasty or anything but what should i do. because i think its kind of gross that im starting to like him. and i dont want this to go anywhere

First and forepost, you don't need to get hung up over this. It's not "gross" at all. You cannot control your feelings. Like you said, you're distant cousins - so it's really not that bad. But I can understand that you don't want to feel like this about him or pursue anything with it. Just don't feel like there's something wrong with feeling that way because there isn't.

I think after a while you'll forget about him if you're both in different states. When we don't see someone for a while, we start to forget about them.. like the old quote "out of sight, out of mind" I think this is just a simple attraction because you got on really well. I think you should concentrate on someone else though and after a while your crush for him will fade away. Give it a little time. I almost guarantee you won't like him like this in a few weeks!

Q: OK. I have this guy friend I like. Let's name him David. And I have this friend. Let's name her Nina. OK. So I like David a lot. But he's 17 and I'm 13 (turning 14 really really soon), and Nina is 13 too (she turns 14 in July, a little bit before me). So today David told me to give Nina his phone number b/c he is too shy to go up to her himself, but I don't want to b/c I'm a little bit jealous. Does that make me a bad friend? What should I do?

It doesn't make you a bad friend -- it makes you totally normal to feel like that. You really like him, and he's showing interest in your friend. Who wouldn't be jealous?!
But you've got to put this all in perspective. She's your friend. He's your crush. What's more important to you? In your situation, as hard it may be, you should probably give her the number. I just don't think a guy is worth risking a friendship over, and he also might get mad at you if you don't. She might not even like him that way. And if she knows you like him, well, I'm sure she'll respect your feelings and not call him.

Of course, it's really up to you. That's just what I'd do. And it's not easy, trust me there.

Good luck.

Q: how do you know if a boy really likes you and you like him a lot and you want to go up and talk to him but your to shy.What schoul I do, schoul I go up and talk to him because I really really like him and I want to talk to him but i'm to scared,What schould I do.I am 13 and a female.

If you're too shy to talk to him face to face, how about getting his MSN or something? That way you can speak to him without dealing with confrontation. Ask around for it if you don't want to aks him straight out.
Nothing can come out of it if you don't talk to him. Silence never solved anything or got anyone anywhere. My suggestion is to get to know him better and become friends with him first, and see if you can pick up on any signals from him.

Good luck.

Q: a few months age i got into truble cuz i was datn a older guy by for years and was told that it was illegal now im bein told its not illegal but i euld like proof could sum1 plse give me a website for sex laws in maryland for a 17 yr old female i appreciate it i rate 5s if you can help ive lukd everywhere n cant find it

www.ageofconsent.com

Q: i really like this guy dylan, but i dont think he likes me. all of my friends say he does, but i dont really feel like he does. he doesnt call me or im me and that is making me feel depressed. i need help, cause i really want him to like him. what can i do to make him like me again? oh, and by the way, i am throwing a party and inviting him...what should i do there to get his attention?....thanks in advance!

Sometimes you've got to meet people half way. You can't always wait for him to talk to you and call you. You can't force him to like you, no matter what you do, so don't try and change yourself just to impress him (that includes trying to get his attention. Guys can be turned off by that) Friends tend to pick up on the signs a guy likes us more than we do, so maybe you should trust your friend son this one.

But for now I think you should just start talking to him more and getting close to him. I assume you have him on IM which is an easier way to get to know people without dealing with awkwardness. As for your party, why not have an 'innocent' little game of spin the bottle (or something similiar to that) lol. And use your party as an opportunity to do some flirting and see if he does it back.

Good luck.

Q: ok so here is my problenm i have great friends the most amazing boyfriend and if you look at my advice coloum i dont think my looks are to shabby but i hate my life everything about it i feel like i have noone to talk to like i am playing a person who isn't really me when i am surrounded by people i feel so alone and i dont know what to day some days i just come home and cry for no reason i am so unhappy and hate my life i dont know what to do please help...
Reality.

It sounds like you're going through depression. "Depression" has lost its meaning these days.. it is actually a clinical disorder which can be caused by a chemical imbalance and not caused by external factors (for example, friends, guys, family etc.)

Perhaps you should talk to someone you trust and tell them how you're feeling. I'm not a doctor so I could be wrong, but by telling someone they may get you the assistance you need. Good luck.

Q: I have a problem of course.

So i went on to MSN Messenger to chat with my girlfriend and then i Find her friend there and we start talking and so She askes if i want to know anything about her(because my girlfriend is all seritive) and she said she knew alot so i asked stuff i was unsure abou(wed only been going out for 3 months) like her gift favs and what movies she likes.and then i asked a stupid question of wheather she was a virgin or not (because shes all shallow acting and like dark so)and she awnser. then my GF found out and was all mad(i didnt like push for the awnsers if she had said she thinks its too privite cause i didnt then i wouldnt have asked more) so then shes all like "you are a jerk to ask that and invade my privicy" and im thinking "what?" so now weve broken up and im all depressed and stuff cause i dont want to be over and i think its stupid to fight over this now she wont even talk to me so i can apologize.I want to apologize even if we are through and she wants me dead i just want to know if anyone else thinks i invaded or asked something too personal and what i can to to at least make us not hating each other if we cant be friends again.

Solemnstar
PS shes on her period so it might be that

Jeez, melodramatic much? She's acting like a drama queen. She should know that obviously guys are going to be curious about that kind of thing.
If you ask me, it sounds like she's not ready for a relationship. Trust is a very important part of an relationship, and so she shouldn't be secretive about things. You shouldn't have to hide things from your boyfriend/girlfriend.

If I were you I'd forget about getting back together with her, but if you really feel you want to apologize, try writing her a note or buying her something. It's your choice.

Good luck.

Q: Well I meet this guy(let’s call him e)in net 1 month ago and he is my bf now…But he hurt me twice coz of having sex with other gurlz bcoz he want me to be that gurl his having sex of…I couldn’t meet him coz im in the other side of the world im an Asian and he is an American. I already forgive him but what should I do, he didn’t know that I have a bf in real life(J) were gonna be 1 year on July 12 but I really like him coz I think his really perfect for me but in J side I don’t feel that we have any chemistry for each other now. I don’t wanna hurt J…plz help me!!!

jam~15~f

I've never really thought online relationships were a good idea. He is a jerk for cheating on you, but if you think about it, if he has the chance to go with someone in the flesh obviously he's going to take it. There's been a lot of instances when I've liked guys online, and I've always ended up getting hurt. I really recommend against them. Besides, you'll probably start to feel the distance after a while anyway. It's up to you though, but if you ask me, I really don't think he's worth it.

As for J, that's really your choice to make. If you feel there's no chemistry -- it'll probably be better for both of you in the long run to call it off now. Yes, he'll probably be hurt, but it's worse to keep the relationship going when you don't feel the same as him. Breakups are inevitable, especially at your age. They suck, but you soon forget about it. I'm sure you'll both find someone else - hopefully someone a little closer to home. =P

Sorry if I came across a little harsh. And good luck.

Q: OKay, my BF is way smarter than me. Perfects on any test and he doesn't study. I use to be known as the really smart kid but i kind of fell back because i didnt care if i was the TOP ya know? well now it seems he gets frusterated when i get a B or don't understand something. its almost like i'm to dumb for him. i really like him but i feel so inferior and when i do/say something dumb he just gives me this annoyed look. what do i do?!
i rate ^^

If he's treating you like that just because you're getting lower marks than him it seems he has a bit of an ego problem. Not everyone you meet is going to have the same intelligence as you, it doesn't make them any less of a person. He shouldn't be so hung up over it. Basically what I'm trying to say is he seems like a jerk who's not worth your time, but perhaps you should tell him how you feel and see what he says. Ask him why he has such a problem whenever you get a B (which, I might add, is still a very good mark)and why it matters to him so much. If he can't give you a straight answer, then I think you'll know what to do.

Good luck.

Q: me and my ex bf nate went out for almost a year and i just decided to break up with him all of a sudden. sometimes i think it was the biggest mistake of my life and sometimes i think it was the best. he says that he's 100% over me and i tell him im over him to but i dont know if i can be over him. he was the first guy i ever fell in love with. he was completely devestated when we broke up, abut he's over me now and i dont know what to do. i still love him, im just so confused. what do i do?

I'd say it's likely that you just aren't over him yet. It takes quite a while to get over someone who you dated for almost a year, and the process can be even slower if you're still talking to him and constantly asking yourself "what if?" Make sure you give it some thought whether you really do want to get back together with him again. There was probably a reason you broke up with him in the first place, no matter how trite it seems now. Give it a little time before you decide to pursue anything. Chances are, he's probably still reeling over the break up too.

All the best.

Q: i need advice on why SUPAIKU is such a f*cking asshole .. holy shit !!.. ill rate 5's! :)

People in general are bastards because they can be. Especially online because they think they can get away with it. He probably finds this all entertaining, and it's probably the only thing he does with his life. Ignore people like him.

Rate me however you see fit.

Q: I'm a 14 yr. old girl. My Mom is going to college for a 2nd time. She's just had her heart broken. She's drawing from her life savings, so this is her last chance for school. The problem is, she is so hurt, she can't sleep or study. She drinks more than she used to. She won't talk to me about it much (I thinks she thinks I won't understand).

Well, perhaps you should encourage her to talk to a trusted adult (or alternatively, let one of them know) I'm not saying you don't understand - but right now it seems she needs someone her own age to talk to. Although, you could try and get her mind off things for a bit.. break-ups are difficult for everyone, but the most important thing to do is keep your mind occupied on other things. So, why not take her out to see a movie or shopping or something? I'm sure she'd enjoy that, and it'd give you two a bit of time to bond.

All the best. =)

Q: ok, well all my friends have secrets. Everyone does.. right? well i dont know why but EVERYONE tells me their problems and secrets, sometimes it can be something really small that i can stand like "i like _____" but sometimes they're REALLY big like "i've been raped! dont tell anyone!". Now i'm really popular when it comes to friends so i'm holding ALL of THEIR secrets! one of these days i'm gonna combust and tell everyone all these secrets. I want to be there for my friends, but i dont want to go crazy holding everyone thought, secrets, and personal problems. What do i do?!

Well, firstly.. take it as a good thing. It means people trust you. xP But I guess it can get too much sometimes.. so encourage your friends to talk to others about it instead of just you. Tell them that they shouldn't just tell everything to one person - it's good to get other people's perspectives as well.

All the best. =)