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I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Hi ok so i am twenty three years old and i am currently going to beauty school to become a stylist. i have a loan for now to pay for school and wear i live. My parents and i have always had issues with our opinions and when we usually fight i am the one that gives in and disregards what my opinions are for the sake of staying together but for once i am at a breaking point. my parents are mad at me becuase i moved out of the apartment that i was living at for school to move in with my fiances familys house. I have my own room there and im not the kind of girl that will sleep in the same room as him because i think its disrespectful. but my parents are mad because there worried about my credit because i ended the lease early... my credit is fine my mother is very controlling and never cares to hear how i feel or what my values are she sees black and white nothing else. I am very hurt i am just trying to grow up and start my life yet she thinks i have to do everything her way and if i dont its seen as immature. I am not at all. ive paid for everything my car insurance and medical im sorry if this is confusing a little. Im just at a point where my fiances family is wonderful and i think i might be happy without my family but is it the right decision (link)
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You don't have to cut ties.
If your parent's bring up subjects that are none of their business (at 23, your credit falls squarely into this category) simply refuse to talk about it, or listen to them talk about it.
You don't have to get angry, just tell them that its your business, you're keeping track of it, and you aren't going to justify your decisions to them as if you were 16 anymore. Be polite, but very firm.
If they go off onto a rant about "how you can't make good decisions" or something similar, let them wind down without saying anything, and give them the following speech (edited however you like)
"Mom, Dad, I am an adult. I am getting married, I am making my own decisions, and regardless of your opinions I will continue to do so.
I am your daughter, but I am not your little child anymore. I am capable of taking care of my own business, and while I may come to you for advice all the time, the unsolicited opinions and constant dismissal of the things I have accomplished because I do not do everything the way you would is both hurtful and rude.
I want to have an adult relationship with you, I want to be able to talk to you about my life without constantly being shown disapproval. All this is going to do is push me away. "
You need to start standing up for yourself more. You don't have to approach it with anger, simpy behave like an independent adult who is not in need of their approval to succeed, and hopefully they will fall in line.
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how can i deal with my strict mom?
*she wont let me talk on phone in my room (i have to be with her)and usually after I've talked for 10-20 minutes she has me hang up...and she doesn't even use the phone afterward!
*she wont let me buy earrings (she just says "oh well you just got some") yeah like 6 or more months ago (EVEN WITH MY OWN MONEY)
*she wont let me wear my hair how i want to (only in braids) AND she wont even let me do it myself
*when my friends are over she doesn't let us listen to music (on speakers ipod is fine though) even when u can barely hear it
what can i do?
*im female
*i cant say my age online so lets just say i'm a pre-teen (link)
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Don't fight with your parents about it. Parents have a habit of completely dismissing anything said in anger, irritation, whine, or any tone of voice that lets them blame what you're saying on being upset. My parents did it, yours probably do it, 90% of the world does it.
This is because the things that are important to you now won't matter to you later, and they know that. So instead of seeking compromise and giving you enough room to fight them, they just go for control to make everything easier.
How DO you get what you want? You rebel. Responsibly.
An example of this would be your hair. See if you can find a way to sneak some hair supplies into your locker, and re-arrange your hair when you get to school. What is she going to do if you come home every day and your hair isn't in braids, ground you for it?
If she IS that type of mother, you've just learned something very important. That she is the kind of person who will go to ridiculous, irrational lengths to maintain control. This tells you that you've gotta be very careful.
Also, you need to have thought out reasons for things you do, that you can express to her.
Using the hair example, its as simple as saying 'I like my hair this way, and I want to be able to wear my hair the way I want to. I'm not asking for mohawks or electric blue highlights, I just want to be able to do something other than braids every single day of my life, and there is NO reason why you should say no to that"
Say this in a respectful, matter of fact tone. Remember, anger is your enemy here, if you get upset, cry, yell, or just seem kind of pissy about it she's probably going to steamroll over you and hog tie you while she redoes the braids.
The biggest trick to dealing with parents is how you express yourself.
Now, other issues, like phone time or how you spend your money, she is going to maintain tight control over. You're a pre-teen, and thats just a part of life.
When I was your age (its over a decade ago) it wasn't normal for 12 year olds or younger to get alot of phone access outside of their parents presence. When I was your age it was likewise not common for parents to give their kids enough money that they could complain about not getting to spend it on what they wanted, much less giving their kids autonomy with said money.
And just because the latest generation of parents have let their kids redefine "normal" into whatever the kids think should be normal doesn't mean your parents are going to fall in line. That too, is part of life.
On the little things, start asking her why. Start negotiating for additional colors of nail polish, start coming home with your hair not in a braid, and calmly state that you want to try some new things.
You also might want to slip in a joke about how she better teach you to have good taste now so you don't end up 18 with forty percent of your body tattooed, seven visible piercings, and a 25 year old boyfriend who's halfway through community college.
A girl I know used that exact line on her mother, and was promptly granted alot more (still guided and watched) freedoms.
Show your parents maturity, and let them know that you expect to be able to talk to them about what you want, and work together on ways to get there. Tell them that you understand that they aren't going to say yes all the time, but you're getting old enough that you'd like to know why you're getting a no at least some of the time.
Lastly, something to keep in mind.
Your parents are relatively close to your level of intelligence. But they have a ridiculously larger amount of life experience compared to you.
This means, they DO know more about life and the world than you do. Alot of their decisions are based on these sets of knowledge.
But increasingly, alot of their decisions will be made out of fear for you. For your safety, well being, mental and physical health, and future. Decisions made out of fear aren't always wrong, but they are often more restrictive than they need to be.
Your weapon against this is calm talks with your parents where you try to address those fears. You need to understand where they're coming from. Show interest in what they're thinking, and ask questions. If you can show your parents that you are willing to work with them on making sure they don't have to be afraid for you, that fear gets taken out of alot of decisions because they know from examples you've _shown_ that you are responsible and to be trusted.
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ok so my boyfriend is like 5'7 he weighs like 220 pounds.. he doesnt have a gut or anything but hes thick.. hes a football player and he works out all the time.. is 220 bad for his height with all those in consideration!? (link)
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Average weights given for people are set up for the average person of average build at a certain age.
In other words, someone who does enough cardio to keep the weight off, and thats about it.
Your boyfriend is probably pumping weights at least 2-3 times a week, I played football all 4 years and thats how it was all year long. Even during the summer we showed up to work out to keep in shape for the coming season.
If he doesn't have a huge gut (the place where guys put it on first, generally) then more than likely he's not only fine, but in great shape.
I was a lineman in high school, I'm a good half a foot taller than your boyfriend is, but I also outweighed him by 40-50 lbs.
In his case, BMI is a very bad measurement to use. Instead what you want is body fat percentage. Thats going to tell you more about his shape than anything, he should be somewhere hopefully between 8-12 percent, thats considered very normal and healthy.
To give you an idea, I was 6'2 by my senior year, weighed 275, and had a body fat percentage of about 17%. Above normal, but not by a whole lot. I'm just kinda massive. Some guys have that build.
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Hi i'm 16 and i have had sex almost a year ago and i have lied to my mother she has no clue when i go to the doctor i lie about it ya i know its bad but just recently i had sex with a guy who was 18 he then got a gf the next day and told me that he was just using me because he was lonley and wanted someone and since he is 18 and he kind of tricked me into doing it with him because that day i had no intention in doing it with him is it rape should i tell my mom he doesn't speak to me at all anymore he ignores me what should i do (link)
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1) Lying to a doctor is the height of stupidity. He is your doctor, he needs to know whats going on with you so that he can make sure you're healthy.
2) No, its not rape. He "tricked" you into it means that you made a stupid decision and regret it later. Seriously, if you had no intention of sleeping with him and then said yes, thats entirely on you.
Rape is when someone forces you to do something, not when someone sweet talks you into saying yes. Unless he held you down or got you intoxicated, its not rape, and pressing charges against him would make you just as shitty a person as he is. Take responsibility for your own decisions and stop trying to cop out. If it was rape, you wouldn't be asking us, you'd know, because you'd have actually SAID no.
3) Do not tell anyone about what happened between you and him other than your doctor. YOU did this, and the fact that he's a douchebag has nothing to do with your decisions.
Be truthful with your doctor, learn from your massive mistakes, and other than that keep it to yourself. He is under no obligation to talk to you just because you had sex, and maybe next time you won't sleep with a guy you aren't dating and know well.
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I am seventeen years old and my boyfriend and I had sexual intercourse last night and the condom broke, but I also had a Vaginal Conception Film in. What are my chances of being pregnant? Did I make a good choice of using the VCF? (link)
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VCF is pretty effective. Its quoted at 80 something percent effective. What that means, is that if you were ovulating and fertile, on no other birth control, and not using a condom, you'd have that 80 something percent chance to not get pregnant.
As long as you used it correctly, you're more than likely not pregnant. Means you waited 15 minutes before starting.
If you miss a period wait a week and take a test.
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im the first born. i have younger brother and sister and my parents are harder,stricter towards me. they spoil the younger ones. its so unfair. they even know it and they just tel me what ever. they actually dont care.
any advice? i dont know what to do and i wanna act out but dont knwo how! (link)
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Several reasons.
1) The problems you gave them when you were that age, they know how to better handle and its easier to remain calm when you've faced something before, thus its easier for them to not get angry with the younger ones.
2) Conversely, you are still providing them with problems they've never faced before. Its part of being a kid, and for them part of being a parent, but it also means they're going to be more cautious with you, because you are the one they are afraid they might screw up by making the wrong choices.
Parents are always afraid of failing their kids, of giving them too much freedom and those kids not being mature enough to handle it. When they see what you've handled, they have a bit more idea of what their kids are capable of, and are a bit more relaxed with those coming later.
3) They probably want you to set an example for the younger ones. They want to make sure you're capable of that, so they give you less room to provide your younger siblings examples of BAD behavior.
Its not really that fair, but you do have to understand their perspective. You fight this by showing maturity and responsibility, by doing what you say, and being somewhat independent minded.
Talk to your parents, be clear in the things you want from THEM, and let them know that you're clear on the things they want from you. You can use this to your advantage, because if you show them exactly what you want, you have the chance to get alot more freedom than you think.
You act out by showing them that you are more than equal to anything they ask of you, and you make their restrictions seem silly. Its defiance without fighting them. And in the end you'll be able to thank them for the parent's they've been, while they're proud of the person you become.
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Ok i know this question is kind of stupid but i had sex with a real jerk and a guy who took advantage of me who is no longer my friend and i was wondering if it was possible for me to become a virgin again it would help me feel much better so leave me some advice please (link)
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Every new person is a chance to do it right.
Set some rules for yourself. Don't sleep with someone until X period of time, maybe start with a year. If you break your rule you do, people make choices all the time, but it gives you a goal to meet thats far off.
Heres how I see it. When you involve sex, it complicates things alot. Often the relationship becomes ABOUT sex for a good while. Instead of getting to know each other, you spend time before sex thinking about when you're next going to have it, and time after doing the same. You focus alot less on just getting to know someone.
On the way, here are a few things to pay attention to.
- How often does he ask you about yourself vs how often does he talk about himself?
- When he talks about himself, is he bragging, is he telling funny/sad/interesting stories?
- Watch his eyes. Does he meet your eyes, does he stare at everything BUT you (means hes nervous) or do you catch him constantly staring at your body?
- Does he seem to respond to you with interest? Does he have a glazed over look staring off into the distance when you talk?
- Does he remember specific things you've told him several times? If you tell him a funny story, does he remember it two weeks later if it comes up in conversation?
From stuff like this you can tell alot about a guy. An asshole will ignore things you say, won't remember anything, will talk about himself excessively or brag about himself alot, and often if you have a conversation will take every opportunity to dominate conversation. You might say something really interesting to him, and instead of responding to it, asking questions about it, or relating to it in some way, he goes off on something somewhat random talking about himself.
Pay attention to how much they pay attention to you. A guy should want to know things about you, want to find out about you. He should want to do things for you, the same way you do things for him. If the relationship isn't equal in these departments, he's probably not someone you want to be with.
You need to have a better criteria. You can't "get back" your virginity, but virginity really doesn't matter that much. Everyone does stupid shit that they regret, if you learn from it, you won't make the same mistakes the next time.
Remember this asshole. Remember how he acted around you. Avoid guys who act the same.
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my boyfriend and i have been fighting alot in the last month. its always about him not being in high school anymore and that he thinks that i should be with someone in high school. but i dont want to be with anyone but him. i love him and i cant imagine myself with anyone else. well just the other day he was being really mean all day. he had to go to work so i thought he would be fine when he got off (11:30. i even asked my dad if i could stay out later (my curfew is midnight but he said 1).
he picked me up after work and he was still being mean and everything. so when 1 rolled around he basically ran out to his car and right when i got in he pulled out and drove to my house. well we talked and i told him that i didnt know what his deal was and that i wasnt going to put up with it and that i wasnt going over there tomorrow. so he told me that i was being childish and maybe we shouldnt be together. i told him that he had been saying that alot lately and he said that hes saying it alot cuz he doesnt feel a spark anymore. so we just fought all night and finally he was like im going to bed.
ive never had anyone like him. he really is a great guy but for some reason hes acting like this and he never has before. everytime we fight i feel like i come closer to losing him and i dont want that. ive never been good with guys to begin with and he makes me feel special and i really do love him with all my heart. i just feel like i screwed up somewhere and i cant fix it. ive never been able to please anyone or do anything right. and this time ive finally found someone that i thought i could please and i cant even do that.
i just want to know what i should do. btw we have been together for a year and 4 months. 16/f (link)
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Hes insecure, or upset about something.
The fighting and tension is just a symptom. Couples fight about stupid shit alot when one or both are upset about something major.
You need to talk to him. Tell him that you love him, and are concerned because he keeps bringing up breaking up during fights that didn't have anything to do with breaking up or even the relationship.
Tell him that you don't WANT to break up with him, and it hurts when he suggests things like this because even when you're angry with him thats the last thing on your mind.
You might even want to throw this line out there.
"You know, one of the things I love about being with you is no matter how mad you make me in the back of my head I always know I'm going to want to fix it, that I'm going to come back, because I love you"
You also need to remember that this ISN'T all your fault. It sounds like he is reacting to something, probably something he's thinking and upset about. It could be insecurity, worries about family or school, almost anything. Be loving, encouraging, and try to get him to talk to you.
But also, be firm. You don't have to threaten to leave him to not put up with his shit. You can get irritated, tell him that he needs to stop being mean to you, and when he brings up breaking up just say "I'm not leaving you, but I'm not going to sit here and get treated like shit. If you want to talk to me about whatevers bothering you without yelling at me or being mean, I'll be right over here" and watch TV or read a book or something.
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Hey Advicenators! I'm Katie, I'm 15 years old and I'm having my Junior prom this year. My mom booked an up and coming celebrity to be my date (he's not famous yet). I heard he's good looking and he's about 17 to 19 years old. No one's certain about how old he is. So anyways, we're scheduled to meet sometime this month. Any advice on how I should act or what we should talk about or anything? Please help. I'd appreciate it. (link)
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Why in Gods name...
I mean, I went stag to mine and left with someone else's date (they weren't dating, he called her at last minute the day of because HE didn't want to go stag) but going with "an up and coming celebrity"
You're not going to enjoy your prom, and its kinda screwed up that your mother is finding you a date. If you do go through with this, don't let her do it again.
As far as questions, treat him like you'd treat any other person. And I'd arrange to go out to dinner just the two of you before the prom, so you can talk one on one and break the ice before you actually get to prom later that night.
I know alot of people who went with dates, and alot who went with friends or went in a group without a specific "date" that they were assigned to. The common thread there, is "people you actually know".
Ask him about his life. Ask him about how he got into what he's doing, ask him what he likes about it, anything like that. Try to relate stories you have to that, just talk to him like a normal human being. He'll probably appreciate it.
If nothing else, treat this as you're going with a new friend, not a boyfriend or anything. It might help kill any nervousness, you aren't trying to impress him you're just trying to have a fun night with him. Treat it as such, relax, be yourself, and try to enjoy the night.
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21/f
I had unprotected sex with my boyfriend, 3 times. He didn't pull out any of the times, what are the chances I'm pregnant?
I wanted to get pregnant by the way, and I'm just wondering what the chances are. Excited!
Thank you :-) (link)
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Its good to see for a change people asking this question because they're trying.
The chances could be anywhere from very high to very low. It depends on alot of things.
- How recently had you been taking birth control. Sometimes birth control can take up to 6 months to stop having enough effect to help prevent a pregnancy. Sometimes all it needs is that little extra nudge to NOT end up pregnant.
- When in your cycle you're having sex. This is what causes most of the variance. The average woman ovulates about two weeks after the end of her period, so pick a day two or three days before the two week mark, and make it a point to sleep together every day until your next period.
Sidenote, if you aren't already start keeping track of your periods, so you know when you hit the 30 day mark. If you miss your period by 7 days, take a pregnancy test. If you are, you've probably had enough time that it will come up positive.
- His sperm count. It sounds ridiculous, but friends of mine have been offered a few tips for the guys to make sure they're at max...potency.
Boxers or going commando, smoking less or quitting for a while, and making sure he's eating three meals a day and getting HIS nutrition makes sure he's doing all he can on his side.
(The boxers, by the way, are because there's actually an ideal temperature for sperm, and tighty whiteys keep him a bit closer to his body, raising the temperature)
Other than that, persistence pays off. If you go more than 6 months without success, see a gyno.
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I have a 17-year old daughter who is currently a senior in high school. All her life, she has never had a boyfriend or even a friend that is a boy. This specifically is not why I am writing, because she is free to be friends with whom she wants. However, she has confided in me that she is afraid of men and boys and has been her whole life. I am not sure if it is getting worse as she gets older or is just manifesting itself in different ways. I was never like this so I am not sure what would be considered 'normal' feelings for her to have. I have talked to a few close friends about this and they say that I should look into her past to see if anyone could have hurt her in any way. I can think of nothing, except for things that I don't think would still have much of an effect on her now, although maybe you think different (if so, please tell me). What I am thinking of happened during preschool. There was a group of boys that used to chase her and scare her all the time at recess. She was very afraid and for this reason she spent time hiding from boys and staying physically very close to her female friends. When she got older she always feared them. Although she is a shy person, it isn't a fear of rejection. She is afraid that they will do something to her to harm her. She can't even watch the news because of all the rapes and things of that nature.
I just don't know what to do or how to make it better. I would just like to find out what happened to make her this way and how to help her get past her fears. I appreciate any input you can provide. (link)
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::Edit::
Absolutely, drop a question on my username anytime you like. I don't check this site every day, but when I do I'll help any way I can. Try to include a URL to previous question(s) so I know who I'm talking to.
::/Edit::
Your daughter needs to speak to a professional.
My first off the cuff inclination is to say that she's got some incredibly heavily repressed memories of something, and that its likely someone did hurt her when she was younger.
I've known friends who completely repressed things and fell apart in college when something triggered a remembrance and things they never knew had happened to them came crashing back down.
They were usually associated with fears like your daughter has.
I'm definitely not an expert, and my whole 3 people worth of anecdotal evidence is just a possible explanation, but whatever it is is probably out of your league. Thats not your fault, but you should talk to her and ask her if she would like to (let it be her choice) but just let her know that sometimes people have things that they need outside help for.
Be supportive and encouraging, but be firm in the opinion that this is something she should consider talking to a counselor, people who are taught to understand whats going on with us and help us find a way to fix it.
Thats how I've both presented it, and had it presented to me.
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My ex fiance said to me to call him when im older. We were so inlove,I don't understand why he would throw that away. Im 19 and female, he's 39, we have been together a year and a half. Is there anybody who's been in a similar situation? What can I do? (link)
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The great equalizer is experience.
At 19, there is no possible way for you to be what a mature, normal 39 year old man needs. Its not a strike against you, NO 19 year old is capable of that.
If you were capable of being what he needed at 19, it would mark severe deficiencies in him.
When a guy gets older, its easier to seek younger women. Age jades you just a little bit, and a 19 year old like yourself probably provided him a refreshing break from the realities of his perceptions. Young people can do that for older people, regardless of the relationship. Parents go through this with their kids, you might have heard the term living vicariously through your kids, its because you get to watch your kids experience the wonders of the world for the first time, and it reminds you of what it felt like to be in their position yourself so many years ago.
Unfortunately, this is not a good basis for a mature relationship.
Date guys closer to your own age. At 19 you shouldn't be straying past early to mid 20s. The reason is, people older than this are not in the same stage of life you are. At 39 especially, this guy could have kids a few years younger than you. How are you supposed to relate to a guy who's had kids when you're still relatively fresh out of high school?
I'm sure it was wonderful for you. He can understand everything you're going through, give you (hopefully) good advice, empathize with you.
You can't do the same for him. You can't understand what its like having lived twice your current lifetime. Because the gap there is a gap of experience, and no amount of maturity makes up for a complete lack of experience.
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So I used to have way more freeedom than any of my friends. I got a cellphone at 13, a car & a credit card at 16. Of course I met the "wrong" guy and did a lot of things behind my parents back and they found out. well now im 18 and they basically lock me up in the house. they bring me to school & to work and pick me up. they don't want me to speak to any of my friends or hang out with any of them. mainly because my Ex totalled my car and my parents are mad about that.
but anyways, since im 18 now I deff want to move out & I know its not that easy just to move out and survive by myself but honestly I rather live alone than have my mom up my back about everything I do.
So, ideas? (link)
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Don't burn your bridges.
You showed yourself to be untrustworthy, and its going to take time and effort to work through that. More teenaged rebelliousness isn't going to do anything but give you stuff to regret down the line.
You do need to talk to your parents. You haven't said how long its been like this, but I doubt you've been suffering this for more than a few months, else I have a feeling you'd be lamenting your loss of freedom for half a year or more. It sounds like you're just chafing under authority.
Living on your own is HARD. The world isn't too friendly to people who only have enough credentials to get a shitty hourly wage job. Ten bucks an hour will barely pay rent and food, it won't pay for much else, including anything fun.
I share bills with my girlfriend, we live together, and its still hard. You'd be amazed how much just eating every day twice a day can cost when you start adding it up over the course of a month, and I'm not talking about eating out, I'm talking about grocery shopping. My girl and I spend just as much on food a month as we do rent, which amounts to 125 a week on our budget.
125 can disappear really fast. We eat alot of sandwiches and frozen crap.
I'm telling you this because your desire and need for freedom could get you into some really shitty situations, and you need to grow up alot really quick or you're going to screw yourself over in the long run by moving out.
What you NEED to do is go to your parents and tell them that this is driving you up the wall. That you understand that they don't trust you, but losing your ability to be with friends and connect with people your own age is not healthy for you. You need to ASK them what you can do to start proving that you learned from your retardedly huge mistake, and tell them that you want to prove to them that you are worthy of trust.
You need to approach them from a "I want to work with you to get my privleges back and to get your trust back" standpoint.
That would show maturity and growth on your part. If you move out (I can guarantee you haven't thought that through very much if you're seriously considering it) you are just proving them right.
Trust me when I say, no, you wouldn't rather live on your own. Talk to your parents more, swallow your pride and anger, and show them a little love and understanding and gratefulness for the things they have given you so far.
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okay. the video is from my video camera. its a JVC Everio. if thats helps and im using just the regular picture software. windows i guess? "My Pictures" under Documents. and i could probably use the software that came with it. if that would help, and that is.."PowerCenema NE for Everio" i would say. so i just dont know how to put it on a disk. or what disk i should use. a DVD-R (120min. 4.7BG) ? or.. a CD(700MB 80min.)? i have like no clue what to do..i tried it and uh.. which drive is the one im suppposed to put the disk in? .. my computer has two.. one on top of the other. i'd guess its the bottom one. my computer keeps asking for the E drive but..neither drive will work.
thanks in advance. (link)
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I'd talk to your parents to start off with. They probably know the specs on your computer and which drives are which. Without your tower sitting in front of me I can't really help you figure out whats what.
After that, you need a video converter, and that will probably cost.
Your camera records in format MPEG2. There are plenty of software out there that can convert MPEG2 to DVD format so that its playable in any DVD player. Just google "MPEG2 to DVD converter" or look up software review to see whats recommended.
Now, if you don't have a DVD burner, you can also burn to VCD, which is the standard 700 mb CD burned to a format readable by DVD players.
Google the same thing above just replace DVD with VCD.
From there, its a simple process, most programs you just drag, drop, click and burn. Pull out your new DVD compatible disc and play away.
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I'm 30, have a husband (3 years) and have feelings for someone else. the other person i met at a conference. we spent a lot of time that week together. he knows i'm married and he has a girlfriend so not much happened between us physically. i've never cheated before in my life. i dated a lot before i got married but have never had this kind of instant connection with someone before and it makes my heart warm and my stomach hurt everytime i think about him. he lives a 2 hour plane ride from me but i happened to be in his town for business last week. we met for a drink, talked about how we were doing for a couple of hours, hugged goodnight and that was it. now it's even worse - i can't stop thinking about him, it's affecting my daily life. i know it's stupid to think about leaving my husband and moving to be with him but i really can't help but this about it. i need some advice on what i can do to either help my current relationship so i can forget about this guy, and/or what you think i should do, if anything about him and/or how can i stop thinking about this other guy this way.
Please help me... (link)
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Its easy to feel like this is a real connection, but what this really is is passing excitement.
Thats what you have to realize. Often times in long relationships things can get stagnant or simply become routine enough to not provide the excitement you might seek.
When your life lacks excitement and you have something of a thrill seeking personality, its easy to start looking for it anywhere.
You've surely heard the term "Love at first sight"
This term is complete and utter bullshit. "Love at first sight means that someone is infatuated because of feelings of excitement that they seek.
My recommendation is to find a hobby. Often times people make the mistake of seeking the excitement in their life solely through relationships, we call these people serial daters because they end up breaking up with someone as soon as the spark is gone.
Its not a good way to be.
First advice is to get yourself out of the rut. Break your routine both alone and with your husband. Find something exciting and enjoyable that you can do on your own, and talk to him about how you've been feeling like you're in a rut and want to break out of it.
I'd recommend trying things both inside the bedroom and out. Get a book or video of Kama Sutra and watch it togther, fool around in public like horny teenagers, buy something sexy and surprise him when he gets home. Get out and do non sexual things with him too. Go on a trip somewhere, go out to a club dancing or go see a comedy show. Hell, go play minature golf and ride go-karts at your local celebration station. You're never too young for go-karts. Above all, communicate to him that you're bored and you want to do things with him. Believe me, he'll be down for go-karts.
And stay away from the guy. Temptation while in a rut is not a good idea.
You're 30, but you're being immature. You are still seeking thrills when you don't seem to be lacking a good man at home. Relationships require maintenance, and if this one with your husband isn't giving you what you need, you need to grow a metaphorical pair of nuts and talk to him about it. This is your job too.
Don't mistake what you're feeling for love, its just cheap thrills. You can get those plenty of other places, and you can work with your husband to spice things up.
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I just masturbated again. I feel so horibble! I just want to die. I feel like God will never forgiive me. Some one just kill me. I feel like a whore. Some one help me please. Oh my dear God please help me. I feel like such a horibble person. HELP ME!!!!! What can I do. I feel horrible. Will someone please tell me how to stop this? (link)
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Let me share a perspective for you.
I am Catholic. I was taught from an early age that sex is something that should be linked with shame. Even between married couples it was still there, I got to listen to sermons about how God did not invent kinky sex and how sex's purpose was reproduction only, etc etc.
This always seemed wrong to me, and once I got older I began to study religious history from perspectives that weren't inside that religion, and I studied techniques of cults. I learned that guilt was a common control technique, basically you take something that is a normal human impulse and associate it with evil, then tell people that your religion is the only conduit to forgiveness for this "evil".
Bam. Even people of little faith will do as their told, because they've been taught from birth that if they don't they will suffer eternal pain and suffering. Through guilt, they generate fear.
I'm not saying God doesn't exist. I am a devout Christian, I believe very strongly. But I also believe that people in power fear to lose that power, and Religion is one of the most commonplace ways to gain power over people used throughout history.
You have been taught to feel terrible for something that is not wrong.
Lets look at another belief. Sex before marriage.
Sex before marriage is treated as something dirty and shameful. Its wrong "just because it is" and thats how its taught to children. Virginity is associated with purity and sexuality (as you so eloquently provided an example of) is associated with being a dirty whore.
Why do you think God would not want us having sex before marriage?
Heres my theory. God created humans with the capacity for strong emotion. Emotions so strong that it takes time and experience to master one's self.
Loving relations generate some of the strongest of these emotions. Many people have difficulty with it, and sex complicates everything. Does it not make sense to wait until there is a strong emotional connection, comfort, and commitment before having sex with someone? And thats what marriage was always supposed to represent. Connection, comfort, and commitment.
Also take into account that these things were created before birth control. While the birth rate was less of a concern back then, having children out of wedlock created hosts of problems. The child was considered illegitimate and it would cause problems later with inheritance.
So how would you stop uneducated peasants from indulging sexual urges when they cannot understand concepts like this? You associate sex with guilt and shame. And you can't limit it to just sex, you can't say "its OK to go this far, but not that far" and expect everyone to obey it.
It ended up being applied universally. In modern times, even that didn't suffice. My older cousin (a girl) was taught that her palms would grow hair and her fingernails turn black if she masturbated. Complete lies, created from generations of baseless fear.
Your first step is to tell yourself (because its true) that what you're doing is not evil or wrong. These urges you have are completely natural, in fact consider them a gift. Of all God's creatures we are the ONLY ones who can gain intimacy from sex, and love.
Masturbation is a healthy, normal outlet for sexual desires. You can't get an STD from it, and unless you're masturbating for literally hours every day you can't hurt yourself with it. (Masturbating for hours a day can cause abrasion, basically rubbing skin off because no part of your skin is meant to be rubbed constantly, the same thing would happen if you rubbed your arm the same way for 5 hours straight)
You are not a horrible person. You're a normal horny teenager. The trick is to learn appropriate outlets. I'm sure you have friends who have indiscriminate sex and "hook up" or date guys purely for sex. Its becoming something of an epidemic, because most teens do not get that sex is part of relationships, rather than relationships being a part of sex.
When you're ready, find a guy, learn about him, fall in love with him, and figure out the rest based on what you feel is right for you.
Until then, you're doing the most healthy thing you can be.
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my boyfriend and i are about to have sex for the second time like tomorrow maybe. and were always going to use protection. but im not on birth control cuz my mom wont put me on it yet. he has these trojan-enz spermicidal lubricant condoms right, and its a one size fits all. what are the chances of the condom breaking of there is any? i mean i know theres always a chance there could be, but im just worried about that. (link)
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VCF.
vaginal contraceptive film.
Its a little breath strip looking thing, you can buy them in the same place as condoms in any store that sells birth control related stuff.
Its basically spermicide. You put it as deep inside yourself as you can get it, give it 15 minutes to dissolve, and you have a second line of defense.
Alone, VCF used properly is quoted at like 85% effectiveness in preventing what otherwise would have been a pregnancy. Used with a condom its basically a second line of defense in case the condom does break.
I've had condoms break before. You can never tell, sometimes they do, more often they don't. But just in case, thats a way to protect yourself even if it breaks.
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im 18/f. ok so im a good kid i was raised in a good family and so was my mom's side [i dont associate with my dad's really]. anyway so my mom is completely against tattoos. she says theyre tacky and blah blah blah. she's not crazy about piercings either but i've convinced her in to a few of those. but anyway i think tattoos and super intriguing and unique and i like them as long as they're not trashy looking you know? so i want to get a tattoo in memory of my grandmother on my foot. she died of cancer almost 5 years ago and it had a HUGE impact on me, and i want something to symbolize that. i've brought it up to my mom and she of course HATES the idea and gets kinda ill when i mention it. i planned on getting her a cross and cancer ribbon and drew it out for her to see and asked that if it was to symbolize my grandma and my faith and mean a lot to me why would it be so bad? she responded that if i want to symbolize my faith i can wear a cross necklace or something and that my grandma wouldn't want me to get a tattoo, regardless if it was in memory of her. but it would be special to me and having that tattoo would mean more to me than just wearing a necklace you know? not one ounce of my mom likes the idea. my question is, what would you do in this situation? that's the only tattoo i would get, and it wouldn't affect starting a career or anything cuz it'd be on my foot. i know that legally i can walk right out to a shop and get it, but on the other hand i'd feel kinda bad disrespecting my mom like that because we're really close, but it is something i want. how would you react? (link)
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You're old enough to make your own decisions.
Personally, especially considering what you want, I would get the tattoo and let your mom live with it. Thats just me.
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My boyfriend and I really want to see eachother more because we go to different schools, but my parents are being really annoying about it. They know I have a boyfriend because they have hinted that they know, and I think that it only made it worse. Normally, I'm not allowed to be at a guy's house or a guy at my house. But now, it seems like they are making a big deal about us even trying to hang out alone at a public place. I think that they think that we will sneak off and go to his house. And obviously I get that they are afraid of pregnancy or me getting hurt, but it just seems like I'm getting a little old for this. I'm 16. Lately I've been pretending to hang out with groups of friends but I actually don't hang out with them, I just sneak off. My parents are getting smart about it though because now they want to see who I am with. And my friends are never available and they are bad at making plans, so it's just getting increasingly frustrating. My parents can not be convinced against their beliefs. So what can I do? (link)
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Hmm.
Meet their fears with maturity.
You want to sit them down and talk to them. I'll give you a speech, use it word for word or just take ideas of what to say from it, whatever you like.
"Mom, Dad, I wanted to talk to you guys about dating. I'm 16, and I am interested in guys. I know you worry about this, because you're afraid of bad things happening to me. But you need to help me learn how to do this while I live with you, because at some point I will not be living with you anymore, and when that time comes I think its a really bad idea for me to be completely inexperienced in relationships and guys. I know you guys are scared that I could make mistakes, I am too. Thats why I think this is so important, because right now I have you to come to to help me not make any. That won't always be the case, and if you don't let me have a little freedom now, what am I going to do when I don't live here anymore, have tons of freedom, and no experience in how to be responsible with that freedom?
I know you're worried about me, but I want to know what all you're worried about. I want to talk to you about it, so that when I go out with friends or with a boyfriend I know what to look for, how to be careful, and how to make adult decisions in adult situations. Isn't that what being a kid with parents is about? Learning to handle adult situations a little bit at a time so I don't get overwhelmed?"
And then let them talk. Talk to them about their fears, about your fears, about your hopes.
Also, talk to them about actually having relationships. Focus on that. Tell them that you know actually dating a guy, figuring out who you're compatible with and who you aren't, what you want in a guy, etc, is complicated. That you want to be able to go out on dates and then talk to them about things that concern you, or things you just don't know about because you're still 16. Tell them you welcome them being involved when you need them, but you and them only have a few more years before you're on your own where dating is concerned, and you want to use the time you have to learn things that are important.
Even if you ignore all their advice and do what you want to do when on dates, give them the opportunity to give it. Show them maturity, and they'll loosen up. I've known a number of girls in your situation who had great success with talks like this. Approach it from a "well I need to learn things and learning them when I can still call you for pickup when a date goes bad, or ask for advice when I don't know what to do or what something means will be a great help and will help make sure I'm safe AFTER I leave your house, not just while I live here"
Good luck =)
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Im female 17 and my mom is very very overprotective...I dont go out at all. Only to school, saturday mass with my family, and school related things which arent many. my mom doesnt like me to go out, doesnt let me go out with friends, she even scares my friends away by calling them and insulting them. I do have one good friend though that stands it all...my mom told me not to hang out with her anymore. It really sucks cause Im in my house all day...I feel like im throwing away my youth i dont want to party all night but i want to hang out and have fun with my friends now and then. She even locks the door with a key. I can count all the bad things that i´ve done in my life with one hand. My sisters did some really bad stuff...but thats not my fault...im not like them. Im always quiet and I dont rebel...I dont know how long I can live like this. She lies to me to get me to tell her whatever it is that she wants to hear, she blackmails me, shes created problems for me both with my teachers and my friends...I could go live with my dad, but i know that she would never talk to me again. Im also afraid because of college. She´s always critizing me...everything´s my fault in her eyes...im evil in her eyes she´s told me herself...she doesnt even act like a mom giving sarcasms and harsh critics and just been plain mean.....i´ve thought about suicide...but the people that love me keep me going. Other people i know have done so many bad things and their moms arent like this. Its not my fault that we´re not rich and that she married my dad. I just cant have a day of peace because she has to make me feel like crap at least once a day. please help me i feel like im dying in the inside (link)
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You need to get out.
You said Mass, so I'm going to assume Catholic. In my own experience, Catholic parents (mine too) are incredibly controlling, seeking rights into their children's lives that they do not deserve or need at times when it is nowhere near appropriate anymore.
In college, my parents were demanding accountings of my finances.
She is not going to change, and you NEED to rebel. She gets away with as much as she does BECAUSE you let her, and while I know you're afraid she won't speak to you again, that is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Let me put this in plain english. Right now, your relationship is hurting you. This is because the relationship is completely on her terms.
This can't continue, and if you think she'll eventually accept you as an adult if things continue the way they are you're deluding yourself.
If you can live with your father DO SO. Get the fuck out RIGHT NOW. This woman is poison, and is so on purpose because its how she controls.
You need to stand up for yourself completely. I call this the "No Quarter" approach. No Quarter means that you do not surrender a single inch, because surrendering that inch leads to surrendering miles and miles that you don't want to. Some people cannot be bargained with, you can only meet absolutism with absolutism.
See how much control she has? You hate living with her, but are afraid of her never talking to you again.
You are 17. From this post I can tell you are intelligent, sensitive, and just a bit too much of a pushover. You need to find a way to grow a lot of spine, really quickly, because thats the only thing thats going to save you from this situation.
You need to start standing up for yourself, if you let her walk all over you, it will NEVER get better than it is now, it will actually get worse. Because from her perspective, the older you get the harder you will be to control and the more she thinks she has to tear you down to keep you where she wants you. Its only going to get worse.
I know what you mean. My parents were not nearly as bad as yours. They weren't cruel in their controlling, they didn't seek to hurt me, they just believed that they had every right to control my life.
And I haven't spoken to them much in the last three years because of it. But you know what? My life is better for that. My life is better without their influence, without their constant messages of "You aren't good enough to make it without us" and their constant diatribes about what they view as my failings.
You don't need to kill yourself. Escape for you doesn't require anything that extreme. Just get out, it even sounds like you have options to do so. At 17 you can legally walk out of her house and I don't think there is anything she can do to stop you. If she won't let you leave, call the cops. I'm dead serious about this. Call your father and have him come over to help you, if you can get out today, get out today. If you can work yourself up to it, get up from your computer right now, and go pack right this very instant calling your father to come get you as you do.
The sooner you are out from under her daily influence, the faster you will get better. You'd be amazing, its like you are carrying around these huge weights on your back, and as soon as you don't have to suffer her shit every day its like they magically disappear.
And then, you can start living your life, and face your own worries that you choose. You can start learning to love yourself and to not see yourself through her eyes.
I can't tell you she will ever come around, but you have to understand that a relationship with a woman who beats you down emotionally, sabotages relationships that could draw you away from her, and makes you feel like a worthless piece of shit all because she has a need to control is NOT A RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT TO HAVE.
Get out. Now. If you want to stop feeling like you're feeling, you have to accept that your mother is a bitch, and is every bit as evil as she claims you are, and that the only way to move forward with your life is outside of her influence, however that has to happen.
Remember, no quarter. Do not surrender another inch of yourself, of your self worth, of your time and your energy. Call your father right now and get him over there. Get your shit, and get out. Call the cops if you have to (they will take your side)
::Edit::
I'm going to post a warning.
Do NOT talk to your mom about this right now.
Purely from the examples you have given, we can peg her personality. She thinks and feels that it is her RIGHT to control you this way. That is the only possible justification a mother has for treating her children this way. Its a sense of entitlement, and talking to her about how she hurts you or giving her ANY clues as to how much you hate this is just going to get turned around on you. She is going to do one of two things. Respond with anger, and smash you back down for showing enough backbone to tell her how you feel, or be indifferent/hurt and make the entire situation about her and her feelings.
You need to surprise her with it, and you NEED to leave. Nothing else is going to save you.
You have to understand, you are her kid. She automatically dismisses you. This is partly just a reflex of parents, who are older and more experienced, and partly a result of her self centered-ness. If you go to her, she is not going to give you credence, and from what you've said with lying and blackmail she could very well use this to gain more control over you somehow.
You do NOT want to expose vulnerabilities to this woman.
I repeat, call your father somehow. Tell HIM what you're going through. Unload on HIM. Beg him for help, tell him you want to come stay, and that you need him to come help you get your stuff out.
Get everything you treasure out, because you can bet she'll destroy what you leave if she knows you value it.
And if neccesary, involve the police. What she is doing amounts to severe emotional neglect and abuse, and is most definitely criminal.
You heard that?
CRIMINAL.
Your mother is still your mother, but in her self centeredness she is purposefully hurting you so that she keeps you under her thumb like she couldn't with your sibling(s). She will not stop, ever. You may have to someday come to terms with not being able to have a relationship with her because of this, but you need to get out first regardless of the consequences between you two, because it will never, ever, ever get better while you are there.
As long as she has power, she will not give it up. Everything she does is an expression of that, and you have to understand that. Everything she says, everything she does, it is because she is terrified of being alone and the only thing she knows is manipulation. You can still love her while not allowing her to manipulate you. And you can come back to her as an adult and tell her that what she did was wrong, and she doesn't need to do these things to you to get you to love her.
But if you don't get out now, there won't be enough left of you to come back to her as an adult. You'll be too broken yourself, too fucked up in the head, and too depressed. You won't EVER have a relationship with her, because the longer this goes on the harder it will be for HER to accept anything except total domination of your life.
If you would like to talk more, send me private messages. I know this is going to be hard, but you need to steel yourself. I can't stress this urgently enough. If you don't get out soon, there may not be enough left of you to get out at all. And you seem like far too worthwhile a person to let this happen to yourself.
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