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Im trapped and frustrated...my mom is ruining me...what can I do?
Im female 17 and my mom is very very overprotective...I dont go out at all. Only to school, saturday mass with my family, and school related things which arent many. my mom doesnt like me to go out, doesnt let me go out with friends, she even scares my friends away by calling them and insulting them. I do have one good friend though that stands it all...my mom told me not to hang out with her anymore. It really sucks cause Im in my house all day...I feel like im throwing away my youth i dont want to party all night but i want to hang out and have fun with my friends now and then. She even locks the door with a key. I can count all the bad things that i´ve done in my life with one hand. My sisters did some really bad stuff...but thats not my fault...im not like them. Im always quiet and I dont rebel...I dont know how long I can live like this. She lies to me to get me to tell her whatever it is that she wants to hear, she blackmails me, shes created problems for me both with my teachers and my friends...I could go live with my dad, but i know that she would never talk to me again. Im also afraid because of college. She´s always critizing me...everything´s my fault in her eyes...im evil in her eyes she´s told me herself...she doesnt even act like a mom giving sarcasms and harsh critics and just been plain mean.....i´ve thought about suicide...but the people that love me keep me going. Other people i know have done so many bad things and their moms arent like this. Its not my fault that we´re not rich and that she married my dad. I just cant have a day of peace because she has to make me feel like crap at least once a day. please help me i feel like im dying in the inside
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okay breathe ,relax, now that you have done that i can relate because my husband does the ame thing with our childrens but that's because it is alot that goes on around our way, but when he's at work i let thm go out with and check in physical every 2 hours they seems cool with that, but any way, have an mommie / daughter day with her that's an day you too get to know each other on the ohter side like paint eacher nail, watch an movie and so on let her feel more relax around you, stress free and ask her one day if you and her can talk, express your feelings in an calm and respectful way let her know that next year you will be going to college far from home but in the time that you are here you want her to let you breathe some and you are willing to call or physical check in every two hours or whatever you just want to spend some time with your friends the days you too are not hanging out, if you can get her to hang with you for awhile she might feel more at ease and easy to talk to , and as far as you goes try to meditate and relex , stress free, you will be in college soon having an blast okay if you need to talk to me more don't hesitate to email me when you need an friend i am here for you okay remenber you are almost there to have fun and do girl stuff just hang in there and meditate it will release a lot of stress and maddness...
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You need to get out.
You said Mass, so I'm going to assume Catholic. In my own experience, Catholic parents (mine too) are incredibly controlling, seeking rights into their children's lives that they do not deserve or need at times when it is nowhere near appropriate anymore.
In college, my parents were demanding accountings of my finances.
She is not going to change, and you NEED to rebel. She gets away with as much as she does BECAUSE you let her, and while I know you're afraid she won't speak to you again, that is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Let me put this in plain english. Right now, your relationship is hurting you. This is because the relationship is completely on her terms.
This can't continue, and if you think she'll eventually accept you as an adult if things continue the way they are you're deluding yourself.
If you can live with your father DO SO. Get the fuck out RIGHT NOW. This woman is poison, and is so on purpose because its how she controls.
You need to stand up for yourself completely. I call this the "No Quarter" approach. No Quarter means that you do not surrender a single inch, because surrendering that inch leads to surrendering miles and miles that you don't want to. Some people cannot be bargained with, you can only meet absolutism with absolutism.
See how much control she has? You hate living with her, but are afraid of her never talking to you again.
You are 17. From this post I can tell you are intelligent, sensitive, and just a bit too much of a pushover. You need to find a way to grow a lot of spine, really quickly, because thats the only thing thats going to save you from this situation.
You need to start standing up for yourself, if you let her walk all over you, it will NEVER get better than it is now, it will actually get worse. Because from her perspective, the older you get the harder you will be to control and the more she thinks she has to tear you down to keep you where she wants you. Its only going to get worse.
I know what you mean. My parents were not nearly as bad as yours. They weren't cruel in their controlling, they didn't seek to hurt me, they just believed that they had every right to control my life.
And I haven't spoken to them much in the last three years because of it. But you know what? My life is better for that. My life is better without their influence, without their constant messages of "You aren't good enough to make it without us" and their constant diatribes about what they view as my failings.
You don't need to kill yourself. Escape for you doesn't require anything that extreme. Just get out, it even sounds like you have options to do so. At 17 you can legally walk out of her house and I don't think there is anything she can do to stop you. If she won't let you leave, call the cops. I'm dead serious about this. Call your father and have him come over to help you, if you can get out today, get out today. If you can work yourself up to it, get up from your computer right now, and go pack right this very instant calling your father to come get you as you do.
The sooner you are out from under her daily influence, the faster you will get better. You'd be amazing, its like you are carrying around these huge weights on your back, and as soon as you don't have to suffer her shit every day its like they magically disappear.
And then, you can start living your life, and face your own worries that you choose. You can start learning to love yourself and to not see yourself through her eyes.
I can't tell you she will ever come around, but you have to understand that a relationship with a woman who beats you down emotionally, sabotages relationships that could draw you away from her, and makes you feel like a worthless piece of shit all because she has a need to control is NOT A RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT TO HAVE.
Get out. Now. If you want to stop feeling like you're feeling, you have to accept that your mother is a bitch, and is every bit as evil as she claims you are, and that the only way to move forward with your life is outside of her influence, however that has to happen.
Remember, no quarter. Do not surrender another inch of yourself, of your self worth, of your time and your energy. Call your father right now and get him over there. Get your shit, and get out. Call the cops if you have to (they will take your side)
::Edit::
I'm going to post a warning.
Do NOT talk to your mom about this right now.
Purely from the examples you have given, we can peg her personality. She thinks and feels that it is her RIGHT to control you this way. That is the only possible justification a mother has for treating her children this way. Its a sense of entitlement, and talking to her about how she hurts you or giving her ANY clues as to how much you hate this is just going to get turned around on you. She is going to do one of two things. Respond with anger, and smash you back down for showing enough backbone to tell her how you feel, or be indifferent/hurt and make the entire situation about her and her feelings.
You need to surprise her with it, and you NEED to leave. Nothing else is going to save you.
You have to understand, you are her kid. She automatically dismisses you. This is partly just a reflex of parents, who are older and more experienced, and partly a result of her self centered-ness. If you go to her, she is not going to give you credence, and from what you've said with lying and blackmail she could very well use this to gain more control over you somehow.
You do NOT want to expose vulnerabilities to this woman.
I repeat, call your father somehow. Tell HIM what you're going through. Unload on HIM. Beg him for help, tell him you want to come stay, and that you need him to come help you get your stuff out.
Get everything you treasure out, because you can bet she'll destroy what you leave if she knows you value it.
And if neccesary, involve the police. What she is doing amounts to severe emotional neglect and abuse, and is most definitely criminal.
You heard that?
CRIMINAL.
Your mother is still your mother, but in her self centeredness she is purposefully hurting you so that she keeps you under her thumb like she couldn't with your sibling(s). She will not stop, ever. You may have to someday come to terms with not being able to have a relationship with her because of this, but you need to get out first regardless of the consequences between you two, because it will never, ever, ever get better while you are there.
As long as she has power, she will not give it up. Everything she does is an expression of that, and you have to understand that. Everything she says, everything she does, it is because she is terrified of being alone and the only thing she knows is manipulation. You can still love her while not allowing her to manipulate you. And you can come back to her as an adult and tell her that what she did was wrong, and she doesn't need to do these things to you to get you to love her.
But if you don't get out now, there won't be enough left of you to come back to her as an adult. You'll be too broken yourself, too fucked up in the head, and too depressed. You won't EVER have a relationship with her, because the longer this goes on the harder it will be for HER to accept anything except total domination of your life.
If you would like to talk more, send me private messages. I know this is going to be hard, but you need to steel yourself. I can't stress this urgently enough. If you don't get out soon, there may not be enough left of you to get out at all. And you seem like far too worthwhile a person to let this happen to yourself.
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Your mom sounds like she has a lot of things built up emotionally deep down inside her and she's taking it out on you. Perhaps she is also feeling quite lonely which is why she wants you around all the time. Always remember - there are two sides to every story and your mom's story is probablly stuck inside her itching to get out. Try sitting down with her and talking to her about herself. Ask her if she's alright and let her know you care about her. Even if she doesn't want to open up to you, she'll see that her daughter is caring about her on the inside and that alone will mean a lot to her.
Finally, tell her your feelings. Telling her that she's trapping you and keeping you from your youth is killing you inside. Let her know you've become depressed and her being so controlling is making you not want to live your life anymore. I know your mom cares about you and is trying to have nothing but good intentions for you - sometimes loves is just shown in a more harsher way. You won't have to live like this for forever and someday you'll be on your own but for now it's something you're going to have to cope with. You can get through it - I went through the same thing and now that I live on my own, my Mom and I are best friends and I look back and realized she just wasn't happy with herself and I was her best target. Everything will be alright - live your life and eventually things will start getting better. If you're ever feeling more depressed and need someone to talk to go to my page and there's a screen name for AOL and you can talk to me through there. Remember, suicide is not the answer and it's a very selfish act. Prove to this world (and especially your mom) that you're stronger. Good Luck!
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This sounds very much like some problems I had, but your come accross far more serious.
A few first points you could ask yourself are:
1. Have you tried talking to her?
2. Do you think she will listen?
3. If she listens, do you think she will take action against her ways?
4. Could you cope with having a conversation for long enough?
5. Would you tell her everything?
6. Finally..is there any point?
You need to consider all of these, because before speaking to your mother, you need to make sure you feel comfortable about it and that there is some point to it.
If you feel she really will not listen to you, then don't waste your time because it will only upset you further.
If talking to her gets you nowhere, write a letter, human curiosity gets the better of everyone, even if she says she won't read it, she will. And take as long as it takes on the letter, even if it takes days, weeks, months, to fill it out completely.
This is what I suggested to a friend, and it worked well:
If you do not want to write her a letter then get a diary of some form or just a notebook, and on the front write ''your name'''s DIARY. And leave it where you Mum will see it. There is no doubt that once she has seen that writing on the front, she will want to take a sneak peak. Before you put it where she can see it, go a week filling out each day explaining how your feeling and how your Mum is upsetting you.
Hopefully when she reads it she will realise what she does hurts you.
The fact that you are so well behaved, and will listen to your Mum, says it all. She knows this, and she knows that you will listen and won't go astray. So she is playing you by your own personality. Learn to say no to a few things.
I really hope something helps because its horrible to feel like this.
Good Luck x
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Try to sit down and talk to your Mom, Tell her how you feel and how it is effecting you. You are a teenager, You should be able to go out and have fun with friends. If your mother is that protective maybe you could arrange a deal with her maybe get a cell phone so she can call you. You don't deserve to be in your room all the time, Trust me I know how that is cause I used to be like that. The truth is, If you are inside all the time it will make you depressed and lower your self esteem and you need to let your mom know that. If you think you should move in with Dad then when you turn 18 I think maybe you should go for it if you think that it is the best thing for you.
I hope it all works out
Bahaima22
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