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Strict mom
how can i deal with my strict mom?
*she wont let me talk on phone in my room (i have to be with her)and usually after I've talked for 10-20 minutes she has me hang up...and she doesn't even use the phone afterward!
*she wont let me buy earrings (she just says "oh well you just got some") yeah like 6 or more months ago (EVEN WITH MY OWN MONEY)
*she wont let me wear my hair how i want to (only in braids) AND she wont even let me do it myself
*when my friends are over she doesn't let us listen to music (on speakers ipod is fine though) even when u can barely hear it
what can i do?
*im female
*i cant say my age online so lets just say i'm a pre-teen
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Don't fight with your parents about it. Parents have a habit of completely dismissing anything said in anger, irritation, whine, or any tone of voice that lets them blame what you're saying on being upset. My parents did it, yours probably do it, 90% of the world does it.
This is because the things that are important to you now won't matter to you later, and they know that. So instead of seeking compromise and giving you enough room to fight them, they just go for control to make everything easier.
How DO you get what you want? You rebel. Responsibly.
An example of this would be your hair. See if you can find a way to sneak some hair supplies into your locker, and re-arrange your hair when you get to school. What is she going to do if you come home every day and your hair isn't in braids, ground you for it?
If she IS that type of mother, you've just learned something very important. That she is the kind of person who will go to ridiculous, irrational lengths to maintain control. This tells you that you've gotta be very careful.
Also, you need to have thought out reasons for things you do, that you can express to her.
Using the hair example, its as simple as saying 'I like my hair this way, and I want to be able to wear my hair the way I want to. I'm not asking for mohawks or electric blue highlights, I just want to be able to do something other than braids every single day of my life, and there is NO reason why you should say no to that"
Say this in a respectful, matter of fact tone. Remember, anger is your enemy here, if you get upset, cry, yell, or just seem kind of pissy about it she's probably going to steamroll over you and hog tie you while she redoes the braids.
The biggest trick to dealing with parents is how you express yourself.
Now, other issues, like phone time or how you spend your money, she is going to maintain tight control over. You're a pre-teen, and thats just a part of life.
When I was your age (its over a decade ago) it wasn't normal for 12 year olds or younger to get alot of phone access outside of their parents presence. When I was your age it was likewise not common for parents to give their kids enough money that they could complain about not getting to spend it on what they wanted, much less giving their kids autonomy with said money.
And just because the latest generation of parents have let their kids redefine "normal" into whatever the kids think should be normal doesn't mean your parents are going to fall in line. That too, is part of life.
On the little things, start asking her why. Start negotiating for additional colors of nail polish, start coming home with your hair not in a braid, and calmly state that you want to try some new things.
You also might want to slip in a joke about how she better teach you to have good taste now so you don't end up 18 with forty percent of your body tattooed, seven visible piercings, and a 25 year old boyfriend who's halfway through community college.
A girl I know used that exact line on her mother, and was promptly granted alot more (still guided and watched) freedoms.
Show your parents maturity, and let them know that you expect to be able to talk to them about what you want, and work together on ways to get there. Tell them that you understand that they aren't going to say yes all the time, but you're getting old enough that you'd like to know why you're getting a no at least some of the time.
Lastly, something to keep in mind.
Your parents are relatively close to your level of intelligence. But they have a ridiculously larger amount of life experience compared to you.
This means, they DO know more about life and the world than you do. Alot of their decisions are based on these sets of knowledge.
But increasingly, alot of their decisions will be made out of fear for you. For your safety, well being, mental and physical health, and future. Decisions made out of fear aren't always wrong, but they are often more restrictive than they need to be.
Your weapon against this is calm talks with your parents where you try to address those fears. You need to understand where they're coming from. Show interest in what they're thinking, and ask questions. If you can show your parents that you are willing to work with them on making sure they don't have to be afraid for you, that fear gets taken out of alot of decisions because they know from examples you've _shown_ that you are responsible and to be trusted.
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Wow, your mother does sound very strict. There are a few things that you can do to hopefully make her ease up on you.
First be a responsible and respectful young woman. Show your mom that you know right from wrong and that you have your head on right. Be respectful to her and any other elders you may be around and dont give her a hard time about things. Obey her rules.
Second, try getting her to let you do little things. For example, if you have a special event coming up, try getting her do let you wear your hair a different way than braids. For example if you have a school dance in a few weeks, tell her that you would really like it if she would consider letting you wear your hair a different way. Put the idea in her head a few weeks in advance so she has some time to think about it and if she says no, dont argue. But when you approach her with it, say it in a very nice and respectful manner.
Third, you can just come right out and talk to her about it. But make sure you pick the right time to do it and again be respectful. If you dont see her reasoning for not letting you do certain things, ask her. Try to see her point of view because you cant change her point of view until you understand it.
I hope I helped and good luck!
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I totally understand how you feel. My parents were the same exact way.
The best thing you can do in this situation is to communicate. Wait till she's in a good mood, relaxed. Like when she's drinking tea quietly or sitting reading the paper, or whatever she does when she's relaxing. Then sit down close by and, respectfully (parents love respect) and calmly tell her how you feel and ask her why she does these things. You may be suprised at her reasons.
Most of the time it's because they are afraid you are going to make bad choices or be influenced to make bad choices. She's probably afraid for you for so many reasons.
If she tells you why, don't get angry if you don't like it. Just calmyly tell her how it's making you feel (frustrated, controlled, whatever). Then nicely ask for a little more freedom.
If she says no to the freedom, you may just have to endure it. Or, maybe have another adult you trust talk to her. Some adults respond better to other adults.
If she refuses to give you reasons why she does these things and tells you to just, "Do what I tell you to do!" which is what my parents did, just try your best to be on your best behavior. If she sees that she can trust you to behave, she may give you more freedom. Or, she just may be waiting till you're a little older.
I hope this helps. Hang in there.
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A) when you post a question, it doesnt say who posted it. so on here, you can say your age. its fine.
B) your mom sounds unbearable. sorry.
C) sit down with her and tell her that you're getting at a certain age when she needs to let the rope loose a little. you're a good kid and you wont get into any trouble, but you need some sense of freedom.
D) sometimes, in an attempt to protect their daughters, moms are strict so the daughters wont be like them when they were young; drinking, smoking, sex, etc. my friends mom is like that so she can protect her, but even so, she lets her wear what she wants and have a phone and such.
just talk to her. you may actually learn something. :)
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