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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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Hello to the whole group. I am maybe overanalyzing something about my love life with my girlfriend but I would love it if maybe there is some feedback for me to better understand what is going on between us.
I know I am 22 but this is my first serious relationship and even though we are now active sexually we are literally each other’s first so I feel I can benefit from the experience of others. I read a lot of posts before I wrote this and noticed a lot of the guys ask about sex, so I guess that is okay and I will join the crowd.
The question I have is about how us having sex almost always seems to be tied to either me being rewarded for something or sex being offered in exchange for me doing something. It started with us having sex for the first time on my birthday (first time for both of us) and it was like an awesome present. But now it can be just coming home from my workout and she is like you were good to be healthy and exercise so let’s have sex. Or maybe me doing something she asked like picking up things from the store she mentioned in a text on the way home which I would do for her anyway. Not long ago we got home from a lunch with her parents and her dad and I got along super well and she said she was so happy I listened to his stories and clicked with him that we had sex the rest of the afternoon. In a way it makes it seem the sex is some kind of transaction. Sometimes I like the playful way she awards me a sex night, but it is also kind of weird how she always ties it with something else. Even if I initiate it, she says something like I have been pretty good that week or I earned it with this or that.
The most extreme version is when she offers sex as a bribe. Like she will tell me I will get lucky later if I agree to go to some social event or watch some movie she wants to see. Or, she tells me if I go with her to the mall (which I hate) she will reward me later. I guess I don’t mind receiving sex as a reward if she is happy with something I did but I will also do nice things for her just because she is my girlfriend. It just feels weird when it is like we are bargaining and the currency she is paying with is sex. I admit, it usually works pretty good for her because I am like always in the mood, but the truth is if she just said “this is important to me” I would do it.
We have talked about this a few times. She said she does not know why she does it but she agreed she bargains with sex and frames sex in terms of a reward for me most of the time. The one time I tried being all cocky and talking to her like if she was lucky and did what I said she would get to have sex with me we both started laughing because it was like so not me and she knows I would never turn her down. She admitted it makes her feel sexy to know I am so motivated to have sex with her. She insisted she enjoys sex wants my bod as much as I want her bod, but she still just automatically prefaces sex with these comments making it seem like a reward or a payoff. She said she thinks maybe she picks up on my comments to people how I am lucky to be her BF and that may feed it some cause it boosts her ego about her sex appeal to me.
I personally think she is self-conscious about her own sex drive being so high after we both were virgins all the way into our 20’s and we resisted temptation so long even after we started dating and she needs excuses for us to have sex this often. I feel like we went from lifelong virgins to sex maniacs so fast. Or, maybe it is a way to highlight her power over our sex life and feel in charge (not my idea but someone else suggested that was it). Or, maybe she just likes to toy with me because I am her horny boyfriend and it keeps me in line. She says I should not analyze it so much and just enjoy the sex and be ready at all times (or BRAAT in our text talk). I think she has a point TBH.
Please let me know if there is any insight on this? Is this normal? Am I overanalyzing? Or, if you think it means something I should be aware of? Please tell me that too.

The real issue is whether you like this arrangement or not. If a part of you is not okay with the reward game, then have another talk, letting her know it is okay if she wants sex to just come after you for it, not to qualify it with an action of yours. Let her know that it feels unsettling to you that every single time you have sex, it starts with her saying something about how you earned it. Since this is also her first real relationship, she is in a learning curve as you are but she may think that she knows it all and so does the reward thing.

Most guys married or not, would envy you having a girl who wants sex that much. However, aside from both having high libido's there is something else to consider. I don't know how it might affect your relationship in the long term but having sex or 'making love' is not and never should be something that a person has to earn. If it is part of occasional BDSM play, then fine, as long as it does not become the norm. Making love also is NOT a way to Prove that you love someone. Saying 'I love you' also does not prove a person loves someone. Consistency in positive ways, like the things you mention doing for her that sometimes she didn't have to ask, you just know what would please her. This stuff is what proves how much you love someone.
With the reward thing, that makes me think of parents teaching children and using a chart which if they do all the things right, they earn an allowance or some other treat. And that would put her in the dominant position. Thats okay if you really like that. But if you want variety, and she only wants to be the dominant person telling you when you get sex, it's doing something for her. What it is...I don't know. You'll have to ask why she must mention sex is a reward. Perhaps she didn't have the best child rearing by her parents or mistook any training she got to thinking she had to earn her parents love and yes, there are bad parents out there like that.

Now when you mentioned 'Bribe', the alarm bells went off in my head. It may just be an innocent game to her and she has no idea what she is doing. But what she is essentially doing is what my ex husband did to me when we first married. He didn't bribe for sex, but unknowingly to me, I was being told what he does like and doesn't like insinuating how much happier he would be if I changed this and that about me and the list kept growing. Some changes were physical which I refused. Other changes he wanted were emotional and made up my character, who I was. I began to change who I was to please him and gain his love. We were a royal mismatch to put things in a nut shell. There was no gaining his love as he didn't know how to..part of a mental illness a Dr. saw but ex wouldn't go for appointments. What happens when you are bribed to do something you hate or it not a favorite of yours is pretty much the same, having to change who you are to become what your partner wants. So she wants someone to go to the mall with. It can be a girlfriend instead or she goes by herself. You can go once in a while if you have an errand to run as well, going to a shop where you need something. But watching a movie you don't like, well once in a while won't kill you as long as she is also willing to watch a movie you like but she doesn't. My second husband has different likes in music, humor, and movies mainly. We watch a lot on our pc's...no TV and don't want one. So if he watches a movie he knows I would like, he'll mention it. But never do either of us tell our partner that if they watch a movie of their choice or any other ultimatum, that they will get good sex tonight. Again, it may have something to do with her up-bringing such as "if you do this and that, I will 'unground' you" types of things which if these are the most often used ways to teach her, then she may have a twisted way of operating in the adult world. I have an adult daughter who treats her boyfriend this way, actually assuming in half the cases that he'd automatically like something just because she does. She'll do it in front of me when visiting and I remind her to ask him, not tell him what he should do and maybe he doesn't want to go along to where ever. I know why she is like that, and its due to watching her Dad emotionally abuse me growing up. She swore to herself that no man would ever be in charge over her in a relationship. You would think at her age, in her thirties, that she would finally have woken up and realized what she is doing wrong. Her solution is the exact opposite of what she's avoiding, which is also wrong, it stills puts one partner in charge of the other. Your girlfriend may have subconsciously chose you because you wouldn't act that way. So she expects that you will continue to go along with things as she has set up.
The curious question is whether she would not give you sex if you didn't go along with her bribe. As much as she likes it, it would be a punishment for her as well. I am guessing she likes sex too much to follow through and wilthhold it from you as punishment. However, she still has the upper hand here, its not the equal partnership as is the best and correct way to do things. She may think that no guy is going to 'shoot himself in the foot' so to say by resisting her demands because he fears losing a day of sex or losing a sex partner completely if she gets angry and leaves when she doesn't get her way. I could be so wrong about her and its just young love without the guidance of what pychologists have to say about healthy relationships and all the do's and don't. I have read those books. You can too. Check out such books from library as I have done or see if any can be found on line. I think you would then see that the concerns I have raised are valid for the situation.

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A few months ago my husband went into the hospital because of pancreatitis. The doctors said it was caused by drinking, and he was going through severe alcohol withdrawal. Thankfully he recovered, but they said he might not be so lucky next time. My husband comes from a family of alcoholics. His mom and two sisters are bar-tenders and they all have a problem with drinking too much. When he went in the hospital they couldn't possibly accept that it was the alcohol that caused it. They kept saying that they don't know how he got sick, and that maybe someone even poisoned him. I showed them the toxicology report which showed that nothing was in his system except alcohol, but they still don't believe it. They've been telling him it's ok to drink. Now 3 months later he's back to drinking, and he's starting to complain about pain in his stomach again. The doctors said he may not survive if something like that happened again, and I cannot believe he's drinking again. I'm pushing him to get help but he keeps saying that drinking won't make you sick because that's what his mom told him. I really don't know what to do and I'm scared for him. We're in our mid 20s so I thought he would be mature enough to understand how ridiculous that sounds. How can I help him? I love him, but should I just let him be and move on with my life?

It would be terrific if he joined Alcoholics Anonymous but since he is already stubborn about seeing a Dr., chances are he would refuse that too.
I wonder whether you knew before you married. that his family background was alcoholics? If you knew, I would wonder why you went ahead with marriage. If you did not know, it would seem you didn't know him well enough before marriage. I do hope that if you learned anything, that it was to take your time and wait on the marriage until you really know your guy. Since everyone has free will, yes even to do wrong or stupid things, that is their right. And no one can 'make' a person do anything that is against their will. So it would seem that you and hubby are at an impasse. And that means that without his cooperation, there can be no improvement. It would seem he is in a hurry to die or doesn't care if he does. I can't tell you what to do as the final decision is yours. But I will say that it seems the only choices you have are to either become a widow or become a divorcee.

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I am getting legal advice on this but I also need some personal advice on how to manage a nightmare I have created with a really bad decision. On a dare and because of my own insane vanity, I auditioned for a pornographic movie. It was very sketchy in a crappy motel. I obviously had to get naked and there was this really weird interview about my sexual experience (which is not a lot) and then they took a lot of pictures and some video of me with two women. I did have a condom for all that. It all took like 4 hours and I had mixed feelings the whole time like both an ego trip and guilt trip. At the end I was offered a part in some movie which fed my pride and ego, but I turned it down because it was just a prank. I signed a release at the beginning so they like own all the video and pics they took. Somehow they found out I did it as a prank and got mad and a person sent me my audition video which is like an edited deal but still almost two hours of stuff and told me I owed them $5,000 for wasted time and expense and if I did not pay they would post the video online and to the website at my church and send it to my parents at their business and I don’t even know how they got that information. The other choice was to be in their movie for no pay. I have only shown it to two friends and a lawyer. The lawyer said what I signed says they own the video and images and they could post it all but extortion is illegal and she is going to talk about it with police to maybe catch these people for threatening me. I don’t know how this is going to turn out and there is a good chance this video gets out. In my opinion I come across very cocky and crude in the interview part as I was like playing up like I wanted the part and then I was like so obviously clueless and nervous about a lot of sex things when they were having us do stuff together and you can hear someone say “amature hour” and calling me a “wannabe.” It is embarrassing I am naked in all of it and doing awkward sex things and closeups of private body parts and I am ashamed when I watch it. Thinking you are attractive or look hot naked is not the same as what this video is like. It is just gross and reminding me what a sinful thing I did. It is hard to explain the dread and doom and shame I feel and I just want to hide in a hole somewhere. I feel so bad for people who have to be in these videos for real for money now. I feel like I need to prepare certain people in my life though in case this comes out – my parents (who love me but are going to be so disappointed), maybe my pastor or youth pastor at my church (in case it ends up on their website), my ex-girlfriend to whom I am still close (I was a much better person when I was with her), my grandmother maybe even though she is not online, my sisters (who are going to make fun of me and call me an egomanic but will also give me support I know), someone at the school I attend because it is a private Christian school and I don’t know if I can get expelled for something like this, and I have a scholarship from a religious organization and I am pretty sure there is like a morals clause or whatever in that and I might lose a scholarship. I also feel like I should resign from Fellowship of Christian Athletes because I don’t want to embarrass FCA. I am not blaming anyone but me even though I think blackmailing me is pretty evil. Either way, how do I prepare the people I care about for what might be coming? I have repented with God and trust in His forgiveness even though I don’t deserve it, but I am just needing to get ready to reap what I have sown. Thank you for your advice.

Oh so sorry to hear of your predicament. Getting a lawyer was the right thing to do. Whether they got money from black mailing you or not, these kind of people sound like someone you can't trust to keep their word, and still post the video even if paid the blackmail fee.
Being in Christian school and involved in church can bring trouble, if they find out. Too often, Christians can be too critical, not thinking of how they once were before becoming a Christian and its not inherited like blue eyes, so everyone has to make such a choice. I remember two couples who got a divorce when I was a young married woman and neither ever came to church again because they were afraid of the fall out and being asked to leave and such. Christians are often quick to judge and not really mature true Christians, just people who attend a church and go home and live their lives differently than God would like but pretend they are so humble and saintly at church.

Jesus befriended Mary Magdalene, whom others would not associate with, considering her a whore. Jesus sat at the home of a tax collector whose job in those days made them hated by all. Jesus knew what they had done. He also knew they had learned by their mistake. Learning by our mistakes is something we do lifelong and it does not define us. What we have done, if we no longer do that, should never be held against us. There are good people in the world who sometimes do bad things. There are also bad people who sometimes do a good thing. The one good dead does not make them a good person just as the one or two bad mistakes makes a good person now a bad person. I can't see telling the parents as I don't know how understanding they are and how they may or may not use things like this as a teaching opportunity. However, there is a greater chance that a youth pastor depending on his/her personality might be a great person to talk to. It would be good to have someone with 'clout' in the church to be able to stand beside you and speak up for you if anything like that does leak out. For all you know, the porno people were hoping to freak you out and spoke as if they knew of all your contacts but in truth may not know any or only guessed right at who your parents are. If you told them you go to church and mentioned the church name, thats the only way they could know.
Now a scientific part of whats going on that you would do this. All young people find they have a mature body at some point. However the frontal cortex of brain is not yet done growing. So in a way, the reasoning ability of a teen is already compromised. Teens tend to not think things through as to what could go wrong. Whether acting on a dare or just a decision they came up with on their own, teens and younger college aged are in jeopardy of making many bad decisions, including ones that end up getting them killed. Scientists say that by time a person hits mid twenties, the brain is finally done growing. So decision making is better, however there is still the chance that those whose only learning style is from having done something the wrong way, well, they may have to make quite a few repeated mistakes before they learn so from what I see with my own adult kids and those who write in, it seems people finally wise up from mid thirties on. I know it took me that long although I was naturally cautious and timid and didn't try or get into trouble when younger except once and it was an accident, not intentional, but I had difficulty owning up to it.
From what you wrote, it sounds like all that happened was due to having teen brain issues and you sound like a good person who is sorry for what he has done. It is tough to be criticized and looked at as something evil by those you would think would be the most forgiving. But remember that any flack you catch is from people who have a long way to go to become more like Jesus. Jesus has already forgiven you. Make sure you ask Him all the time how you can please him, you know . . .like King David, and in time you will hear from Him and His directions for you will not lead you astray.

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I am looking for like an outsider honest take on something about my relationship with another guy. It has some definite homo vibes and I am straight, but maybe I am way misinterpreting and maybe being homophobic by being paranoid about something that is not really gay and just a guy treating me really well and being super physical as a buddy. I truly love this dude and hope it is not a deal he is into me for a sexual reason and is not a genuine friend.
My name is Shawn and I am 14yo straight male just started 9th grade. As freshmen students we are each signed a mentor who is in the senior class. My mentor is a very popular guy named Jason. He is 17yo and like a star athlete and the center for our varsity basketball team. I am on our freshman basketball team and I play center also. I would say I am slightly above average in my basketball skills but I am working on it. He is truly phenomenal as a player. He is like a basketball machine. We have a lot of things in common besides basketball. He says he was shy and used to have a stutter like I do when he started high school. We both have only sisters and always wished we had a brother. He also has a messed up situation with parents. So we get to talk to each other about how we feel about that stuff.
Another cool thing is I want to get more muscular and he wants to be a fitness trainer someday so now he is my unofficial weights trainer. He says I am his ginny pig on being a trainer. I am drinking this amazingly gross protein thing he makes which he drinks and says will gain me mass and he looks ripped in a healthy way so I drink it up whenever he makes it. My muscles were so sore the first week he pushed me to the max. I thought I was hit by a bus. He really seems to know what he is doing cause now I have tons of energy and I am seeing changes in my arms, chest, and legs. He is measuring me and it is cool seeing real progress on his chart in less than 1 month. I feel more like a real athlete and he gives me lots of positive feedback. He also never gets tired of doing basketball drills with me til I drop.
He makes me feel like his little bro and even calls me “bro” a lot and I started doing it too. I kind of get choked up inside he is so nice to me and he never even knew me before. Sometimes he makes dinner for me and I just eat with him instead of going home. It is a good thing for me because I am mostly home alone a lot of the time (long story). I have even done lots of sleepovers. He has blown stuff off with his friends if I cannot be included and sometimes he takes me to stuff with other seniors when I can be included. He sticks up for me if the others give me a hard time.
All that is so positive I feel like a traitor to even ask about something being negative. The weird vibe stuff that makes me wonder is how aggressively touchy feely he is. It is like there is no such thing as personal space. He hugs on me constantly, shoves me around like a joke, kisses my cheek or the top of my head when he is doing this side hug thing, pats my back, squeezes on my arms or shoulders from behind, swats my butt, messes up my hair, crashes into me pretending it is an accident, trips me up and pounces on me, tickles the crap out of me constantly, does like a light cheek slap, or sits and lays on of me and I am like trying to get out from under him. When I pinned he also messes with my face and makes a voice like I am talking while he smooshes my mouth around. He swats my butt every time I make a basket or do something good athletically, sometimes really hard. I said something about it laughing and he said “pussy says what”? So I started doing it to him and now it is like a game how hard we can swat each other after a shot. We try not to act like it hurts but sometime you just have to say the F word and he laughs so hard when I react. If I am not paying attention he also randomly punches me in the arm or stomach like rapid fire as many in a row before I can protect myself. It is pretty damn hard sometimes but not so hard I can’t take it especially if I see it coming and flex but it is like I am always having to be on guard and sometimes he surprises me completely and I double over and then he is like aww buddy are you okay and helps me up like he is worried he broke me. He just says tag when he does it, so finally I said when do I get to tag back and he just stands still and says take your best shot but he is like freaking steel and nothing I do seems to faze him no matter how hard I punch on his body. He keeps trying to get me to do boxing with him with boxing gloves but so far I have like said no way cause he would massacre me. If I am taking a shower at his house he always hides my towel and turns off the hot water (every time). It is a little sexual because I have to stand there dripping wet naked freezing covering myself with my hands and beg for the towel. Sometimes he does these calisthenic challenges and I have to do so many pushups or pullups and it is a ridiculous number I cannot do and he when I fail he tickle attacks me. On the sleepovers the tickling is off and on all night. He really really seems to like that and only stops so I can catch my breath. He says tickle torture is good cardio and burns calories. He said he is making up for not having a little bro to torture his whole life. None of it is like mean I hate you torture but like a game to see how much I can handle. He is like positive after it is over like I am proud of you bro you survived the test. We are both laughing the whole time and for whatever reason I feel like it is a weird kind of affection you know. Can hazing be affection?
If nothing changed about our situation, as strange as it sounds I would be okay with all of it even though it feels a little bit homo or twisted. It is not like he has tried to get me to do something sexual. He even seems to be sort of homophobic in his comments. In fact, he told me he would kick my ass if I tried to masturbate in his room during a sleepover (which I would not do). On sleep overs I sleep on the floor so there is no same bed situation. He hardly ever wears a shirt at his house so I copy him on that to fit in. The only time we are ever totally naked together though is skinny dipping in their hot tub. When I started to wear shorts he just mumbled “what a pussy” and so I just stripped all the way. If anything in the hot tub though he keeps his distance and actually gives me extra personal space. He has never tried to touch my privates. One time he accidentally kneed me in the nuts several times in row while tickling me and I was squirming and he could not understand what was happening because I could not talk normal and he seemed like he was really sorry and gave me a long break and made me a snack. So maybe he is just hyper aggressive and physical and that is how he bonds. I have seen him be that way with his regular friends including the hugs and punching and shoving each other around.
He has dated lots of girls, has a bad rep as being too quick to try stuff (which he admits), so he does not have a GF. But I don’t have a GF either. He is popular enough that he has no trouble getting dates. He talks a lot about girls and seems just as into girls bodies as I am. We even like some of the same girls at our school at least far as being attracted.
He has a lot of boners when we hang out but I get them too especially when I am lifting weights and he is like giving me feedback on my baby muscles (that is what he calls them). I don’t think having random boners proves anything though.
So the thing I wonder about is if this is really just a true straight dude bromance or whatever or is there like a secret homo agenda here staring me in the face and I am not realizing it. I do not want to believe he is into me for that reason. If he is gay, I would still want him to be my mentor, trainer, friend, and unofficial big bro, but I would be sad about it like maybe he did not like me for me as a friend. But if he is gay, why me? I am like decently cute for my age but there are lot of dudes his age way hotter and buffer and stuff he could hook up with. If he told me he was secretly gay, I would say I honestly do not care dude. Jason has not tried anything so even if he is into dudes he has not tried to make our friendship about that. So should I even care either way? Maybe I should just be grateful and appreciate his friendship and quit trying to ruin things by asking paranoid questions. No matter what, thanks for letting me know your honest opinions about me and Jason and if I should do anything or just STFU.

At this point, it sounds like he has come to think of you as a blood brother, since he has only sisters. Throughout life, there will be times when some people find a person or persons they feel closer to than their own family and actually think of them as family. We have had that happen several times. I don't think there's an age limit cus I have seen it with teen years and we are now in 60's with friends in 70s who consider us family. All non sexual, so don't worry, it's not a sexual preference thing . . . at least not at this point. There is a lot of growing up yet and changing too so there is always a chance that 5 years down the road, one of you discovers they are bisexual or gay instead of straight. It is too early for most to know for sure. Just enjoy the especially close bromance. I too have seen male bonding such as you describe but haven't heard of it being painful. So if it gets too rough, just ask him nicely to be just a wee bit more gentle but reassure at the same time that you do enjoy such attention and brotherly love shown, only that sometimes it is too painful, such as slapping too hard on the butt. Men who feel close like with team mates will slap butts but I haven't observed guys giving each other a really hard wallop. Def of wallop:a powerful blow : punch. something resembling a wallop especially in suddenness of force. the ability (as of a boxer) to hit hard. Other than that, I see no issues. Enjoy the special bond you have, it doesn't happen often.

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My GF is the greatest and I would do anything for her and I am like so lucky she likes me back the same way. She does this weird thing though on kissing. If I ask her for a kiss, she tells me I have to earn it and makes me do some kind of dare each time to get a kiss. Sometimes it is some kind of exercise thing depending on where we are like so many pushups or situps. She knows I can stand on my hands so sometimes she makes me do that for her. Sometimes she makes thump my chest and holler like Tarzan. Sometimes she makes me flex my arm for her like I am some sort of skinny body builder. Sometimes she makes me try to recite the lyrics to her favorite Taylor Swift songs. Yes, I memorized them. What is up with the whole earning a kiss thing? It is a cute game I guess and showing off is fun and I don’t truly mind and some of it makes me feel sexy, but is this normal? Why does she do this? Should I even care as long as I get her kisses in the end? By the way we have not had sex. This is just about kissing. Should I just play along since she seems to like making me do stuff? BTW I am 15 and she is 16 if it matters.

I have not heard of such a game between couples, but when it comes to flirting and love, couples will develop their own little games, role play or key words that mean something entirely different to them than the original meaning, usually a private thing. So I can't say whether it is normal. But as long as you are willing to go along with and enjoy, I see no problem.
So your questions on why she does this, I can't answer. Also on whether you should care that she does this, is a matter of personal taste so only you can answer that. Since you wrote in anyways, even if you write that its no problem, you must have some concern or you would not have written. Perhaps your only concern is in not differing from what other couples do so that you don't stand out as strange. Teens typically are very concerned what others think of them, want to be liked and so will decide that in order to fit in, they must become one with the majority of the crowd or risk standing out. If this is your concern, remember that your teen years are a brief time compared to the rest of your life and by time people hit their mid twenties, they have usually grown up mentally a bit and many no longer tease, pick on, haze or whatever it was they did. I wasn't confident as a teen but gained confidence as an adult after my 30s. Since I mentioned confidence, the fact your girlfriend has come up with this idea of you 'earning' your kisses, she has quite a bit of confidence, more than most girls would have to even demand it. If she had suggested it, that would have left room for both of you to decide whether you wanted to try this. Communication is vital for a relationship to work...good communication. If you are confused, a demand is, " "I want to do this. . ." rather than a suggestion like "what do you think if we played a game where I made you earn my kisses". The healthier option is making the choice to choose together. So there is a slight chance she may be the one in control /in power rather than it being equal status on power and control. A person can only gain control over someone if that someone gives it away. You did not refuse at some point to do this. Once or twice is cute for the one of something new and unpredictable but over and over without end in sight, you could possibly tire of it. Then you may be afraid to say anything for fear of losing her. I was married first time to a man who was abusive and controlling. The only chance to resolve that situation was for us to divorce. I am not saying that she is like this, controlling of the whole relationship, but if she ends up being that way, just know that is abnormal and it is or can become abusive. You both are still young and nothing may come of this. But if in scrutinizing her closely, you begin to realize that in this relationship, its all about her, then its not equal and that means a relationship that is not satisfying for both of you. If you need more descriptions to understand, then the making you do stuff to earn a kiss is either innocent or the beginning of an uneven relationship where she tells you what the agenda is for both of you on a particular day, what movie she wants you to go to with her and so on...never having it occur to her that she has no idea if you even liked the plans as well and the same movie or if you are just going along to make her happy, and it never differs, then its not healthy. This is more info than you wanted but you are in the time of life where you start learning what you like and don't like about females and that is very important when it comes to choosing whom you will be with life long, whether married or not. Marriage and such may be a long ways off but learning what you like and what won't work for you in a relationship is NOW, you learn, sometimes the relationship burns and you move on to learn something new from another gal. Make sure its not just one thing you like about a gal but almost everything on that mental list of what you like and with each relationship, try to choose so each time is an improvement rather than settling for less. So either whats going on now is innocent and to be enjoyed for what it is, or it might be the beginning of something worse.

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So a couple of months ago I moved out from my mom’s house into an apartment in a new city. This city has more opportunities and I was able to find a job, that pays me well. But the problem is, that before moving out, I got into a relationship with my boyfriend, who I ended up loving more than anybody else, and became a huge part of my life. At first we were able to meet every weekend, he would drive down to be with me, and the next weekend I would do the same. But due to change in my work, I have to work even at the weekends, so we wont be able to see each other much. Only a few days in a month. I have been crying a lot, and haven't been able to enjoy myself in this city, because I miss him, and want to spend my time with him. So my question is, should I quit my job, and move back to him, and restart everything that I have been building up here, and start over there? My heart is telling me to do this, because everytime I’m with him I’m happy. Please share your advices for me!

You say there are opportunities where you are, that it pays well and that is something to consider. You also say how you feel about him but does he equally feel the same? Can you say that you both don't just love each other but are in love with each other? Is it unconditional love? With unconditional love, people care deeply about how their partner feels. I understand you were the one to move away after starting a relationship. If you care deeply about him, naturally you will want to be with him. Then how deeply does he love you? Ask, talk to him. Does he want you in his life more than the money you are earning now. If you quit and have no money, will he support you until you can find work. If he lives in the vicinity of your Mom, you already know there is no work opportunities for you there. Maybe something with low pay and part time. Think all aspects of this through girl. You can't just make a quick decision based on how you feel right now. You will feel worse when you begin to feel stuck work wise back at home. And I can tell you that money problems or lack of money can really affect a relationship in bad ways. So if he is such a huge part of your life, propose to him. Find out if he really cares the same about you. To make another big change in your life for a love that may be one sided, meaning unrequited, that is a pretty gutsy move. But then, you have Mom and won't have to end up on the streets.

I understand when you say you are happy with him. Everyone is happy in the beginning but the relationship is only a few months old so you are still in the New Relationship stage which has a special energy to it that can feel enough like real love...I know cus I was fooled by it too once long ago. So NRE is the excitement of something new and as with a new gift we really wanted, we are enamored for a while but eventually time passes and the strength of that excitement starts to waver and soon a person doesn't feel quite the same thing they felt in the beginning with a person. This is also why some guys stay with a gal only until the NRE wears off and then they move on to another new relationship, because they are addicted to the NRE, yes this energy can be that addicting. If you had been together a year or two and seen each other often, I wouldn't have gone down the road of explaining NRE. Cus usually by then, you would know for sure if a relationship is worth moving back for. Or...if he is really into you, and there are so much more job opportunities in the city where you currently are, then there is no reason why he can't move to be with you and get work there. I think you both need to talk about this issue, how you feel and find out how he feels. Find out what he really wants and that it measures up to what you also want. Does he want dating monogamy, dating consecutively meaning one girl after another for short times, friends with benefits, commitment without marriage. commitment with marriage, is he bi-sexual and whatever else you can think of...you really need to know and I asked at least this much but usually way way more when I was dating again after a divorce and I didn't date, just met a guy for coffee to see if I did feel chemistry with him, did I detect cigarette smoke on him (I'm allergic) had he lied or misrepresented himself from what I read in dating profile to what I witnessed in person. So as you can see, I am serious about this business of finding the right guy and enjoying a love relationship. That tops the list for me over a job but job and being close enough to family to visit a couple times a year is important too. However, as serious as I am about love, I'd rather investigate the heck out of any relationship at first so I don't end up feeling stuck cus I am in love with a guy but there is some reason it may not work. I went through enough heartbreak with a bad first marriage to want to go through anything like that again. Ultimately, the decision is yours, but I hope you will check things out very well before making any big decision, such as where you live, your job and who you date.

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hi long story short a few days ago my mum woke me up screaming and yelling at me. it was about something small and it wasn't even my fault but I quickly got up and stood there while she yelled at me very loudly. suddenly my chest felt so hollow and I don't mean it in a fancy metaphor way but literally, I felt like someone was squeezing my lungs and I couldn't breathe. I started seeing a few stars and my vision was beginning to turn black and it felt like I had to lie down NOW or I would die. thankfully she was done yelling so I left the room and sat on a sofa outside but still, I was in so much pain and couldn't breathe I had to curl into myself and lean on the couch and slowly I started breathing and my vision came back but my head hurt the whole day. I'm confused about what happened. Can someone please tell me ?

The situation you were in is a very stressful thing. Stress does things to your body. Stress can bring on panic attacks, blood pressure shooting high, so even heart attacks if you didn't know your heart health wasn't all that great. After too much stress every day without any breaks, that can lead to depression.
I can't know what happened because even Drs wouldn't know until they ran tests on blood and urine and completed scans of your body. You don't mention your age so I don't know if you're a minor nor not. So if you drive, get yourself to emergency. If you are a minor or don't drive, find a neighbor at home to take you or call emergency and have a medic take you. Its not wise to take a gamble with your health and do nothing. Normally, a parent takes a child to emergency or a Dr. But If your Mom is going through crisis herself, she may not do that. What she did is not normal. She is losing it due to worries and stress or maybe some mental issues, and don't worry, not all mental issues people go through mean you're crazy or have a mental illness. But if Mom isn't in a place mentally where she can take care of you, the next time, perhaps it could be worse, and once you are dead, there's no coming back from that. You get to emergency, and they will call your Mom to come. That way they get permission to work on you unless it is a life or death situation and they must act at the moment to save your life. This is only the worst scenario, it may just be a panic attack and it would do good for you to learn your triggers and what you can do next time if having a panic attack. Also, mom needs to see a Psychologist. So the first step is seeing her Dr. for a referral. And its best you also get some counseling. I hope things turn around for you.

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hello thank you again for helping me
but i wrote my letter in the living room when mum was watching telly so i was nervous she might see
and i wrote it all wrong because i am a girl not a boy , interesting to know boys need to learn about masturbating as well as girls though , do you want me to write if i dare try mums massager ?
just to say if it helped me ? my mums 31y btw but very shy

Since i am female, I can't say how well holding a massager against the penis will help with sensation. I will say its not a good idea to use some one elses 'Toy', because of body fluids that end up on it. If your Mom didn't take it to the bathroom to clean off, best not to use. Just assume its got her own body fluids on it IF it was used for pleasure and not to massage knotted muscles. Since you don't know, don't use and don't take it to use. Just ask her. Or better yet, if you really want to use a massager and are curious enough, you are probably going through puberty and thats when a person starts to have an interest in exploring sex first with yourself and later with a partner. I would hope she'd understand but then again, she probably had you when she was 17 or 18, a teenager, and if you show desire to start down the road of self exploration, it may scare her thinking you might get pregnant in a few years, like she did. So it depends on stuff like that, her shyness and such to want to even discuss. I used to be shy about speaking like that or even writing the word 'sex'. It doesn't bother me anymore and there are so many people who truly want to learn but feel they have no where to turn to ask their questions. There used to be tons of videos done by a Laci Green when she was 17, 18 and older. She did great research, made the videos short and with humor sometimes, gave you the lastest info on everything, how to have an orgasm, about the hymen, even about health dating relationships vs bad ones, period products and so on. Apparently she got into trouble at some point and I can't find her video main page anymore. When searching by her name, all that comes up is her book published recently called Sex Plus also. So if brave enough to talk to Mom, ask her for the book as well because she was very good, correct on the info and was making many of the videos on the behalf on 'Planned Parenthood' and another
group. If trying to convince her, let her know that this way, she doesn't have to explain anything to you. The info and videos from when she started are the best I know of so it doesn't matter to me what trouble she's gotten into or how she has changed now that she's around your Moms age. I even learned something in the video about period products, like the newer cup on the market so its worth a try if you want to learn facts that are for real, not guesses by your peers, or lies.
If at last resort, all you can do is masturbate, then do so. The clit is the most sensitive having more nerve endings in that little spot than a male has in his entire penis. So use some lube, or if none, sometimes one owns saliva works in a pinch and explore massaging yourself down there. Everyone is different a little in pressure or the speed of the touch or rubbing so experiment. This is handy and normal to do. It helps later when grown up and having a sex partner and you'll be able to tell them what to do to be successful in getting you to climax.

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i started a new letter i couldnt add it to your reply
thank you for writing i thought it might be a to simple question for you
mums is called a massage wand
so maybe it is for her muscles and not what i was thinking she was doing with it
thank you for the help but i cant buy one , i was going to try mums when she goes out
would a toothbrush work , i dont want one that vibrates my teeth
can i ask about what you said about somebody using thier mouth ? not down there im guessing , i thought boys used something else if you know what i mean

I meant when older and you have a sex partner, oral sex is using your mouth on your partner and goes the same for both sexes or gay couples. I haven't heard of anything that works for guys as well as masturbating using their hand and a lubricant that is okay to use on sensitive skin. So now you come up against not having money for lube. If you choose to try that or have already but need lube, I guess you might ask your Dad if possible. He was your age once and can understand the need for lube. Lube with help you to not get sore or stretched or stressed skin while working at an orgasm.

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is it normal for someone's mum to have a vibrator

I went into my mums room to wake her up but she had gone to the toilet and I saw it on her bed
can I ask how old you need to be so you can try one
thank you

Yes it is normal. Nothing strange about it though it may be hard to get your mind around the topic of parents and the fact they still enjoy sex. As long as a person has the working parts, no matter the age, even very senior citizens, people will either have sex partners, sex toys only or both. Shops where you can buy a vibrator are restricted to minors but I believe you can enter once you are an adult. That would mean asking your Mom to get you one which is embarrassing for most of us to ask. The only other option is for you to buy something that vibrates. Yes, there are body massagers for tense muscles and sometimes they have a tip small enough to work on your clitoris but these are expensive. What you can do is buy a battery run toothbrush, turn it on and use the back side, the non bristle side against your clit to stimulate. This is also a place that someday your partner will stimulate with hands or mouth for orgasms. Toothbrush is not to be used internally as a dildo.

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My girlfriend and I have gotten to the point where we are starting to be sexually active with each other. We are both very attracted to each other, but she made me wait for a while but that is okay because she is worth it. Our first two nights together have been wonderful but not without some concern.
On the positive side, even though I am less experienced than her she said I did very well and she did not have to fake anything. She asked for repeats during the night so I guess I was doing something right. On the negative side, I did hurt myself with some joint dislocations several times each night.
The deal is I have a medical condition called Ehlers Danlos which can cause joints to dislocate easily and causes joint pain even though I am just 30. I have had this my whole life and I am able to re-locate my own joints when they go out of place. She knew I had this condition before we had sex and she has even watched me deal with some minor dislocations before. I do a special low weight but high repetition workout that strengthens the muscles around my joints and has actually reduced how often I have dislocations.
During sex with her I dislocated my shoulders multiple times each time. I tried to hide how much it hurt but she could see it in my face and I cannot help groaning when it happens and I sort of shouted the F word each time. We would stop and I would re-locate the joint or joints and I stayed fully ready and we continued almost immediately. I felt like I was hit by a truck the next day because of extreme muscle soreness the next morning but it was worth it. I asked her if it turned her off and said I was her “hero” to keep going like that and made a joke about dislocating my penis.
I thought we were good but now when I mention sex she seems less eager. She said she had fun and wants more but is worried sex is going to be like torture for me causing dislocations. We talked about other positions we could try that put less stress on my shoulders. We talked about going slower and less forceful movements even when we feel like going faster or getting more intense. That will take a lot of will power. She said she feels guilty having pleasure when I have to suffer joint dislocations and feel so sore the next day. I am okay with the trade off but now I am worried her guilt will shut down our new sex life. How can I make her understand it is okay and I can handle it?

My guess is that if she really loves you, it will bother her if she sees you in pain. So even if she isn't consciously thinking about, her subconscious mind might be concerned enough for you to find her acting different, seeming less interested and so on. Found an article on that you may want to read:

https://www.verywellhealth.com/pain-during-intercourse-2329078

As a female, I know I would feel the same, not wanting to cause my husband pain. If you choose the words "No big deal" when you want to explain to her, thats about the worst thing you can say. Men are far less likely to go see a Dr. about anything even pain if its light. If a heavier pain, men will still try to wait it out. Saying no big deal sounds like you give little care to your own well being. I struggle with that with my husband who just had his appendix removed this morning. He only went to ER after his pain was so strong it was crippling his ability to do anything. This is something that affects females greatly. We don't like men who seem to give little care to their health. So even if your pain isn't crippling, if I were you, I'd go see a Urologist who has to be referred by your Dr. Get him to check you out and put the findings down on paper so she can see. So if there is nothing wrong that needs to be treated, she can see and that should relax her as the only pain then would be your shoulders getting disjointed.


Some reasons why a male may experience pain with sex, is listed in the link below. There may be other reasons not listed. Sex is not supposed to be painful like that. Happening once, okay, but all the time? What if it isn't caused by your condition of Ehlers Danlos and there is something else?

https://www.verywellhealth.com/pain-during-intercourse-2329078

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My Fiancé of one year and 5 months is on a trip to greece with his friends and we got in an argument because he disrespected me by telling me to "Grow the fuck up" while we were arguing about something- and so I avoided conversation with him and told him he had no respect for me and to just end the conversation now. Its been 2 days and he hasnt contacted me at all or told me anything about his trip. Not who he is with, where he is, no updates, no nothing. I wrote him the day after saying " So your not gonna update me? Is that what your doing?" and he said "Your the one who didn't update me yesterday or say goodnight" So I told him "Suit yourself, after the disrespectful behavior and words you said to me yesterday, nothing else matters. " and he said "You suit yourself and yes nothing else matters." Its been two days and I haven't heard of him. He is supposed to be in Greece for 7 days and he knows that It's not okay that we don't talk or update one another. We usually get into bad fights and may go days without talking if the fight was really bad but this time its different cause hes on vacation. I know the relationship has become insanely toxic and I am having such a hard time letting go. I know most of you here will probably tell me to dump him but it is really hard since I am engaged. I don't know what to do. Should I reach out to him and tell him that he should be updating me ? Or should I wait until hes back and end things with him?

Thank you in advance.

You want a yes or no. Its not that easy until one looks at the facts. I assume you are not exaggerating when you say you usually get into bad fights and go days without talking. Its not that talking will make it better if you are with the wrong person. You seem to be more concerned with a response, a call or text from a man who isn't meant to be your bf, fiancee or husband. If you would like to be married to someone who talks to you that way as in "Grow the fuck up", it won't be a happy Marriage and may quickly end in divorce or him becoming so unhappy with you because you are the wrong person for him, that he finds a mistress or has lots of affairs.

I don't know either of you so I won't know for sure if something could be done, such as in couple counseling. Usually people wait until there is a problem in the marriage to do this to try save the marriage. People dating or engaged don't usually go see the equivalent of a marriage counselor. So I don't know if there is something that you may need to learn, or him before a relationship will work. I know we all can be better versions of ourselves. Even me, even you, especially in ways that affect a relationship. I read a book on how to talk in a relationship. There was a list of what not to do or say. So I know that reading such a book would be helpful to you both but that alone may not help. Before I remarried, I met plenty of men, many were very very nice and the right gal would be lucky to date them but they were not for me and I knew that at the beginning, after meeting just once and lots of online chats. There has to be a willingness to admit you can do better and willing to listen to and follow professional advice. Here at advicenators, we are not professionals. If by chance one person here was a counselor in real life, they still do not really know you and can't tell what the issue is. I don't know if he or both of you are willing to get counseling at this stage. You may find you both were quite naive and untrained and without meaning to, saying and doing the wrong things making this worse and you would have a chance if that is corrected. If he's not willing, or you or both of you, then it may be better to put wedding on hold until you know for sure that theres a great chance for a happy marriage. Otherwise, it may be best to call it off.

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I am a 19 year old male if that helps with health advice- lately though when I poop, I notice a number of issues. Can I ask what these may mean?

- The texture is sludgy- not runny/diarrhea but not standard solid poop either- just sludgy almost like that colourful toy slime that kids buy..
- Only the tiniest little bit comes out at time
- despite the tiniest bits actually coming out, I can still physically feel the poop dangling out but it won’t physically come out no matter how hard I squeeze- eventually I end up giving up and just wiping but because of the excess amount of poop (which I know is there because I can physically feel it, and see it when I wipe, it just won’t come out when I squeeze)- I end up spending quite a while wiping too- I end up spending about 3 hours (not even an exaggeration) on the toilet due to the this, which isn’t ideal in a family household of 5, with only one bathroom… but it’s not my fault- it’s not as if I enjoy spending so long on the toilet but it seems my family get very frustrated by it.

Do you know what any of this could mean? I had chronic constipation as a young child, but in this case, it’s not really constipation as the poop comes out- but only little bits at a time and it gets stuck along the way out despite me trying as hard as I can to squeeze it out- but when I wipe there’s still a bunch of poop there- what could this possibly be?

As once told, it is best to see a doctor. If it all you can see a Naturopath and its covered by insurance, that might be best. I have found the regular MDs just treat the symptom which is like putting a bandage on the problem. A naturopath is trained even more than regular MDs and will help you discover what is really causing it and get to the root of the problem which may be in part due to diet. They also can refer any specialists,and order prescriptions if need be.

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I am a 54 year old female. My husband is very up and down with depression. Currently he is at one of his lowest points. I try to be understanding and be a good listener, but sometimes it is very difficult. This is going to sound terrible, but after hearing him say the same things over and over, hundreds of times, I just feel like I can’t take it anymore. I want to scream in his face, “JUST SHUT THE F*** UP!” The best I can muster is to say as little as possible, adding supportive comments here and there (like “I understand that is frustrating” or “I feel so bad for you”… that type of thing). Unfortunately, he’s now upset, saying that I don’t care enough. Occasionally, he makes comments that he just doesn’t care about anything anymore, that he doesn’t care if he lives or dies (not that he’s going to act on it, just that he doesn’t care). I have NO idea what to say to that. My general go-to in most situations is to cheer others/myself up. I do know that they say that’s not the best approach for a depressed person, so I have even less to say. Then he gets upset, saying that if I told him something like that, he’d respond with alarm, saying “we have to fix this!”. He imagines it like it is a one-time comment and the response he would have to it. This whole thing has been going on for a year and a half now, and he’s repeated these things to me so many times. That is a completely different situation than his imaginary scenario. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He’s been to different counselors with limited success, often with them quickly suggesting prescriptions. He is very against prescriptions. I agree. The mental/physical medical community really jumps to that to quickly and relies on it too heavily. Mental prescriptions in particular can bring on entirely new and additional problems than what you started with. So. What do I do? I don’t want to call it quits, but I feel that my own mental health is being neglected as all my energy is being put into how to deal with him. How do you respond in a caring way to someone that you love, but all you want to do is scream at them?

I am not a Psychologist but have had some experience with depression in my family and extended family. What I have learned is that there are two types of depression, one kind is the clinical depression, meaning your brain is unable to create the hormones you need to draw from in stressful situations so that you don't become depressed. The other I call a situational depression and as the name suggests, it is caused by a one time event you were not expecting and it either went on a long time or your mind was already low on the needed hormones to make it through, that one becomes easily depressed. A good example for me was when my middle child became depressed after a boyfriend dumped her and she had never been depressed before, ever. I also know that there are things a person can do if they have the situational depression to build up the needed hormones in the brain. I gave a list of them to the daughter but hey I am Mom so i don't know anything, right? Well she went once to a Psychologist, her one free visit through her job and the Dr. gave her a list, the same as mine and told her to do those to overcome the depression. For those whose bodies can't create these hormones no matter what you do, those people will need to take a medicine for it for the rest of their lives. I will say that through the teachings of a Psychologist who is now an author and also trains other Drs in the CBT method of mental health, which stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Yu will want to look for a Dr in your area who is trained in CBT. I say this because of a load of depression clients of one Dr who had just learned about and trained for, CBT, saw what success there was with his clients when they learned of CBT, and basically how their mind worked. These people did better, got totally rid of depression without medication. But just so you understand, at least 75% or more of his patients were the situational- started depression and misdiagnosed so people were getting prescriptions for something to fight clinical depression when thats not what they had.

Since your husband never had depression until a couple years ago, it most likely is not something he was born with. So its an event in your husbands life, that set him off and has him getting depressed. Knowing that is not enough but knowing exactly what it is that set him off on this path to depression. So it is best that he see a Dr trained in CBT. A CBT psychologist is more concerned with treating and curing what caused the issue in the first place. A Psychiatrist is the only one licensed to recommend prescriptions for a patient. Therefore you will want a psychologist who will teach and train you rather than write a prescription to merely place a bandage over the problem. Men tend to be less concerned about seeing a medical professional for help when sick in some way. Some totally refuse until at deaths door. So if your husband will not agree to go, you may have to make an ultimatum for him to see how serious this is to you and at least go for you.Your ultimatum should mention how his depression is affecting you, not just him but your marriage too. You have reached the limit of what you can take and need this to end. Mention something about not being a professional and not equipped how to help him, and how you see that as something that is not going to change unless you both try something new, like seeing a Psychologist and he may say no immediately because he is thinking that it will end with him being forced to take prescription meds. Let him know about something you came across, regarding CBT. You can makeup you read in a magazine, read on internet, saw it on a TV show long ago, or a friend told you about it because it helped them. I am sure that once he has the training and knowledge of ways he may be sabotaging himself into depression, he will no longer do those things, why other than not having to feel so bad all the time, no relief.


Now that you have explained what can be done, that 75% or more of people with depression do not need medications but something else he will share with you. It is time to find a Dr and set an appointment. Tell him you will go with him if he likes but he has a choice to say yes or no. Only that with saying no to seeing a Dr ever, meant you would go for a separation and give a time limit of how long you'd wait for him to come around. Then if you still are not seeing a Dr. to learn about how to think to get rid of depression, then much to your regret, you will get a divorce to save at least yourself. You wished he would choose to save himself, yourself and your marriage.

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Hello!
I went on one date and spoke over call many times with this guy. He is funny, goofy, respectful and compassionate. He cares for me i know. However, he is not the one I want to be with. There is a connection and spark and chemistry. I want to touch him . But I don't want any future with him. He is from a different religion and culture plus he smokes and he doesn't want to quit smoking. I can't stand the smell of smoke. So he is clearly not someone I want to have a future with. So I said No for a second date. He told me he is comfortable and peaceful around me. He told me he feels like he has known me forever. I also feel comfortable talking to him. I can talk to him about anything but he is just not someone I want to have anything longterm. I want to find someone who doesn't smoke. But I try I really try to find other guys the major problem is this guy is always on my mind and I can't get him out of my mind. I want to move on but I am always drawn to him. My mind and heart are in constant battle. When I don't talk to him when I cut him off I feel peaceful for few weeks but again after couple of weeks I start to miss him terribly. I am falling for him and I hate it because he is not the right one. Its been 2 years but can't him get him off my mind. Should I just give him a chance and date him even though he isn't the right guy. But then I will get attached to him. Should I completely cut him off but how do I stop missing him. How do I not regret my decision of letting him go. How.do I stop comparing all new guys to him. He is different. He is funny, he is compassionate. He understands me. He makes me laugh. He is goofy. We can talk about anything. Even the serious stuff he discusses with humor. I want to be with him but I also don't want to be with him. Also, my parents won't accept him just the differences of religion and culture. But its not about my parents alone even I know our cultural differences could be chaotic in the future then why waste time dating him? Please advise.

Hey, you've already shown that you understand way more than most people I offer advice to so I am excited to share with you a document I wrote about how to find the right guy. I used a dating site. And this was after a divorce and I was about to turn 50. But I found the right man and I believe that what I did to find him was all stuff that God shared with me. I actually didn't give it any time and on the third reminder, I finally followed through and this worked. I will have to add that my now husband had seen my profile a year before and with all his bad luck with women he met from the dating site who had similar things to say, his first impression was that I had to be full of BS. LOL true it was. But on the other end, God was urging him to at least give me one try so he contacted me and was glad he did. I would have to say we are something like soul mates. But I told you this first because even if you follow the examples I will tell you, its up to the other person to respond too. If they continually don't, I am sure you will know or even maybe hear when its time to continue looking and give up waiting for someone who may never respond.

Now here is my story. If you are religious, and the part of finding someone who is the same religion as you is a must have or a need (not a want) then you will have to put things like that on your list. I do mean a real list, not what you remember in your mind. And if you just hope to bump into the right guy, you may not want to wait that long. Its faster to either join a singles group and go to the activities and meet some guys, or use an internet dating site. Some of the phone apps I've heard of, do not have much if any info on a person, only a photo that you either say you like or not. And that alone is not a good thing to be the only thing you use to screen out the wrong ones and select the right one, which I know you must already understand the importance of. If you have any questions at the end, you can contact me by searching 'search for columnists, and click on me, dragonflymagic and write directly to me from there rather than sending it to the whole group who won't have any idea what you are asking for.

How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be 'I want a guy who wants to have kids' or 'I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry','I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief', 'I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.' “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user.”
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the 'what you want', like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.

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I posted on here before with a question ‘I think my mother is holding me back from getting a job’ but the problem has seemingly gotten worse. It’s both parents now being overprotective of me.

So now I’m asking how to deal with overprotective parents?

My parents seemingly don’t want me to get a job, despite me really wanting one. I’m 18M, (19M in a few days) and a college student in the UK; and am autistic (that will become relevant once I explain the situation).

I’m currently seeking my first job- I’d like to have a job in the media industry (where a runner role is typically the default entry level position- runners being the people who run little errands for the more senior production staff))- when I explain this to my parents, they go ballistic and try to encourage me down a different career path and try to dictate my path for me; they’re essentially saying I don’t have enough experience… despite everyone needing to have a first job, so that’s a silly argument really, as well as the fact that these jobs tend to be *entry*-level, as in, for people who are *enter*ing the work world and/or media industry.

They keep trying to use the excuse ‘I don’t think you’re ready’- well, I do. I’m ready for work, I want to work and most importantly, I’m an adult, so I shouldn’t have to rely on them to make my decisions for me- it’s so annoying that they want to control my every move and dictate my career path. They’re advising me to see a career advisor first before apply for first job- but everybody has to start out somewhere- I highly doubt anybody’s first job is what they want to do long-term, so whilst I’d like to work in the media industry further, I wouldn’t want to be a runner forever (would be nice to be a runner even once)….

I may add, this isn’t the only thing they’re overprotective with me about- they never let me go anywhere by myself, I have to really persuade them for them to let me; they always ask my sister (who’s 4 years younger than me, and they let her go wherever she pleases just fine) or my cousin (same age as me) to tag along whereas sometimes I just want my own company, something that so many neurotypicals don’t understand.

For example, one hobby of mine is being in the audience for TV show recordings- sometimes I’d rather go on my own because I don’t want to hear anyone moaning about waiting for so long and also you can explore the area more if you’re on your own and take it in in a way you can’t with multiple people joined to you at the hip.
The problem is- I’m dyspraxic so physically it would be difficult to drive; I’m autistic so buses are too overwhelming noise wise for me; so my parents typically drive me there… and they get annoyed when they have to drive me for the occasional audience recording (even though I’m, by definition, always available at the moment since I don’t have a job) but taxis would be fine, except they think I need more ‘practice’ before stuff like taxis- the only way to practice something is to do it , so they haven’t really thought that one through. But of course I don’t have the money to pay for a taxi since my parents talk me out of all these jobs and say I can’t juggle a job and college. I’m in college 3 days a week… I think I can juggle a part-time job just fine (I genuinely wouldn’t mind working weekends).

I feel the reason they’re so reluctant for me to get a job is due to transport situation- if they get annoyed having to drive me for an occasional recording, then God knows what it would be like with a job… especially since most people within the media industry in the UK are freelancers and jump around from one show to the next, meaning my parents wouldn’t have a set route to drop me there- which would no doubt frustrate them more.

They don’t realise I’m an adult, they don’t treat me as one- they seem to baby me and I think that’s due to my autism as they act completely different with my sister, who’s 15…. she gets treated like a typical child who’s growing up- I get treated as a child full stop (I have a 9 year old sister too and feel like I’m treated more like her than the 15 year old sister… surely according to the law of ages, I should be the least babied of the 3?…)- my parents putting me off trying things I want to do will only hold me back further.

I did have a backup, which was as a remote presenter on a radio station- but with 2 younger siblings at home making background noise, not ideal on a job where people need to hear me clearly so couldn’t even record a little voice demo for the bosses to hear what I sounded like to determine if I’d be a good fit, let alone do a regular show… I did ask my parent whether the garage could be my little ‘office’ for voiceover stuff but they said no. It’s especially annoying with phone calls and Zoom meetings though having all the background noise, especially as I do a weekly Zoom quiz, which I need to tell everyone beforehand to be quiet so I can hear the questions. Now I shouldn’t have to do that- it would be much easier if I had my own space to do it, but alas my parents won’t let me.

I’m tired of me, as an adult, still requiring my parents’ permission for things as simple as going out or applying for jobs…

Your parents are certainly doing you a great disservice. It is clear to see that they are fearful of you not being able to deal with normal every day life and having melt downs due to your Autism. It may have gotten worse because you are growing older and they know that a time is coming when you will want to be on your own. I know that there are different levels of abilities when a person has Autism. Some can be severe. You do not sound like someone with a severe case. You are very articulate and great at communicating in print. Set your parents down and let them know its high time you start going out into the world and try to do things on your own. Its best you do that now because if they haven't thought of it yet, they won't live forever and will pass on long before you do and who will be there for you then.

One step towards independance is taking the public bus. I understand the noise is overwhelming. I don't know if it was you, but I did answer someone before who has dyspraxia and autism and buses are a challenge. I will state again, that the solution to that is wearing head sets that block out sound. Here is a link to what I am talking about

https://greatsounds.org/best-headphones-to-block-out-noise/

I see no reason you can't get out into the work place. If you know what your triggers are, you can do your best to avoid them. If there is no way to avoid, then it is best to have a few coworker friends who will be there to support you if that happens. I know TV shows aren't real life but I can see how occasionally something might happen that cause a meltdown. It could be things like this, the 'what if's ' that your parents worry about. However it is for you to decide who will have your back, someone, a friend who understands your autism but also admires your work skills.
One show, "The Good Doctor" is about a man named Shawn who has Autism and he goes on to become a doctor. One episode has a buzzing light fixture, you know, the annoying sound of bzzzzz that won't stop unless the light tubes are replaced. Well, in this show, Shawn has a meltdown, sinking to the floor with hands covering his ears. His coworkers look around and listen and then figure out its the light and take care of it. These episodes of seeming to have a rough time with something, doesn't bother his coworkers as they practically worship him for how helpful he is with knowledge, and his photographic memory. The same goes for a Korean show I am watching named "Extraordinary Atttorney Woo", her collegues are always turning to her to help when they forget something about a law. No matter what the job, you try different places until you find somewhere where the boss or a coworker will have your back. Don't be afraid to explain that you have Autism and ask for them to give you a trial. You may convince more people to give you a try, which is hard once the un-informed hear the word Autism. Since you are not working anywhere and have the time...perhaps offer to work a week or two for free, they don't have to pay you, just watch to see that you are able to handle the job, despite any occasional meltdown that may happen as long as you have I understanding supporting co workers.

I don't give autism much thought and don't really study it but I find that half the time, I don't really know if a person is on the spectrum if they are high functioning like my husband. Saw a show on "Love on the Spectrum" and was shocked to hear that the woman giving dating advice admitted she was on the spectrum. You are not dis abled but differently abled in some things. You can do what others without Autism can do, and do as well or better, but it can be a hard road teaching yourself how to handle these things. My husband figured those things out himself and no one knows he has it but me, a person who spends a lot of time with him where eventually I will see something that isn't quite how others would handle.Your parents see you every day and so eventually will see things that make them worry about you even if it doesn't happen often as with my husband. I think a support group for parents of a child on the spectrum is something they should try. If they are already doing so, then they need to actively ask for help with how to support and launch an adult child into the adult world. They are having the issues, and it sounds like daily struggle for them. So my guess is they don't have a support group. Find them one if they aren't good at doing searches on the computer, Here is one link that may help and always ask one place if they know of other groups or individuals who can help. It most likely will take a person coming to the home and speaking with your parents, someone who makes routine visits to help with any concerns. This I would say has to be done with your parents.
Then, get that head set, preferably one you can play music that is soothing to you or whatever you'd like and start going on interviews. It sure looks like you have already thought things out and know what jobs are easy entry level jobs. But again, it is imperative to have support people in your life and it can't be your parents, which I know you don't want. But some close friends or coworkers who understand where you are coming from. And it wouldn't hurt to have someone trained to help and counsel on the autism spectrum, a professional. To find such a person, check with your local Department of Social and Health services or whatever the equivalent is in your state. In my state, they are the ones who also have the food stamp program. I used to do caregiving as a job and so I have met many social workers who did different things for my clients, general help and one who was a support to help find work where you would be accepted, knowing you are on the spectrum from the start, and if there are work related issues, like miscommunication, your counselor/social worker autism specialist can step in and help sort things out. If a mentally disabled woman, my client who wasn't autistic could have a a job found for her, that she really liked and she was not mentally able to handle stressful situations, then you can do even better, because even though you are on the spectrum, I don't see autism being something that prevents a person from being able to be a good employee. I hope this all helps you. If you don't have a computer at home, you will need to have a library card and go to your local library to use one for an alloted time, you sign up for. These are things you can easily do, get in some research yourself for help and support for your parents to teach them how to be great support for you and also to find yourself someone to help you in getting employed, a professional support person. If there is anything I have said that comes across insensitive/offensive to you, I don't mean it to. Other than my husband, I really haven't been around someone with autism or on the spectrum to any length of time and myself am untrained on what way to communicate without sounding offensive.

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Why do I get an erection when I swim in jeans. I like to swim in jeans

No one can have an answer for that, just the same as a guy who hiccups or sneezes when he is horny, erect yet or not. Yes, I have heard of this from girlfriends. Now long pants would be a drag to wear wt, but cutoff jeans I understand. If this is what you refer to, there has to be something that is stimulating you. If you have swim shorts and get erections in that too, it may have more to do with the temperature of the water. Perhaps colder water sets you off. Then again, if only with jean shorts, these fit tighter than swim trunks, so there could be more friction on the penis. Even if you don't ever figure out why, the issue of emerging from your swim with a hard on may not be something you wish others to see. You'll have to get clever, take off a pair of flip flops to leave at the shore line and quickly grab them to hold in what seems a natural way but they cover the crotch if you don't need to wear them. Or leave a towel close to waters edge. You can use the towel to seem to dry yourself off and then walk around holding your towel draped over an arm covering your crotch. You will have to take conscious note of whether water is going out (no problem) or coming in as it would come in and sandals could float away, or a towel get soaked.

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I’m a 13 year old and this like pimple thing appeared on the side of my vagina, I didn’t know it was there until I had accidentally popped it. Some pus stuff came out when it was popped and it’s hurt more and more ever since, no bleeding though. This has been going on for 2 days and I’m embarrassed to tell my parents, do I leave it on its own or tell my parents?

It was most likely nothing more than an ingrown hair and as those sometimes do, got infected. If there is no more pus, it should heal on its own.
If you have lots of bumps down there, it could be something more. The reason it hurts is that the blister popped so there is a bit of area with no skin covering where the nerve endings are. So every little touch will hurt. I have herpes and thats what I know from that, it will hurt but the skin grows over it again in a week, enough so that it shouldn't hurt.

It is hard to keep that area dry since the body is always in the cleaning mode, your bodys own way of clearing out unwanted debris by the sticky stuff that sticks to panties. I don't know if it will help but if you have a dress, sundress, skirt, maybe wear that when you can without panties on and if you can, in your room or where ever you have privacy, sit for a while, maybe reading or whatever, and don't wear panties and sit with legs spaced apart so that air can get to the area to help dry it off.

If in the future, you have an area like this, without pus and the blister or blisters break open, then it could be herpes. And yes, apparently a person can get it without having had sex.
My mom had what she called cold sores that broke out from time to time. I didn't know as a kid, but I do now, that she had oral herpes. Oral herpes can be transfered to your private area via your hand like next time you go wipe in the bathroom. This is the type of herpes i have but only on the vaginal lips. The way Herpes is transferred is that most people who are carriers and have it, don't even know it. It usually takes some stressful event to get the sleeping virus to crawl up the nerves to the surface of the skin where they sit for a while before the actual painful breakout occurs. This is the time no one engages in sex or kissing because it is too painful. Only in the beginning when it sits on the skin. So if Mom kissed her kids and the germs for herpes were on our cheek and we wiped the spot cus it felt like a wet sloppy kiss then its good chance we transfered it just that one time when we went shortly after the kiss to potty and got the germs to come into contact with skin that its a way to get it. I am explaining now so in case anything like this happens to you in the future, you will know and can tell your Mom so that the whole family can get tested. They can transfer the virus without ever having had an outbreak, so there should be no blame to you if you have not had sex yet with a partner. Many people think you can catch it cus from sex. Whats the chance that all siblings have it. In my family, thats how it goes, and why I believe it can happen. When I asked for a herpes screening test, I had never had an outbreak but found out I was a carrier, and my husband didn't have it. So thats why I believe it can happen that way, rare but not so rare if all us kids got it. Now after all that info on herpes, I don't believe it was a herpes outbreak. However, if in the future, a sore shows up in the same spot, then it likely it and pus you saw was from something else. Then tell your Mom, the family should be tested and depending on how uncomfortable it is, Drs. can prescribe something to deal with the pain but there is no cure.

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Which hospital in Banglore is best for robotic hysterectomy ?

I do not live in India so all I can do is look up web addresses for sites that might help you.

https://www.mozocare.com/et/hospitals/gynecology/robotic-hysterectomy/india/bangalore

https://www.credihealth.com/hospitals/bangalore/marathahalli/robotic-hysterectomy

https://www.credihealth.com/hospitals/bangalore/msrit/robotic-hysterectomy

https://laparoscopysurgeries.com/bangalore/robotic-female-surgery/ And this one has more information on what a robotic surgery is, what it treats and so forth

https://www.mozocare.com/am/hospitals/gynecology/robotic-hysterectomy/india/bangalore

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33 female
So I am going to school for my ged and for the most part I really like school. It's just I have one little problem. My teacher keeps emailing me and canceling class sometimes at the last minute. Last he emailed me when I was already at the school and I don't have my own transportation so my mom and step dad takes me and picks me up. My mom had an appointment that day 30 minutes from my town so I went to the library and did my work there out of my school book for 2 hours while my mom was at the doctor. I don't want to quit I really like school ,but he has emailed me 5 times either the before or 15 minutes before class. I don't know what else to do.

He works under someone, he has a boss who should know this, as this is very unacceptable. For all you know, he could be reaping a paycheck for doing nothing. So there must be someone,if held in an actual school building, some administrative personnel you can speak to about this. If held at a community college, using one of their rooms, again office personnel should know who he reports to and who his employer is, the one who okays his paycheck. So even if its held at the community recreation center, or a spare room at the library, there are people you can ask who will know something and can give you a lead as to whom to complain to. In regular school, there are substitutes who step in when a teacher is sick or needs a personal day. For some reason, he is not doing this, reporting to his employer to get class covered, even if it's only one day missing. But 5 and with day before notice or 15 min before class. If sick, many people don't know this 24 hrs in advance to call in sick or cancel a class for the next day. Most people who skip work due to illness only realize they are sick on the morning of. So if he had to cancel last minute once or twice okay its understandable not having much notice time to give a student but there seems to be a pattern. Either he is very ill and can't hold the position of teacher but hasn't told his employer fearing lack of money, or he is simply unreliable, having fun cus its summer and he'd rather be at the park or beach, or he is on street drugs often or drinks too much, cancelling class when he is too hung over to show up. Somehow two and two don't add up here. So pursue checking up on him and reporting. Don't let it slide because you or someone is paying money for this class to exist and you to be able to attend. Just think of this happening to every future class of students because no one was brave enough to look into it. If you get no where, perhaps your parents can find out whom to contact. You could start with whoever you had to pay to get registered for this class. I once took a foreign language class with my Mom at a community college in the evening. The phone number we had to call to sign up, would be the same number to call to find out who to talk to and get their phone number and tell them everything you told us here.

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