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Dealing with a depressed person
I am a 54 year old female. My husband is very up and down with depression. Currently he is at one of his lowest points. I try to be understanding and be a good listener, but sometimes it is very difficult. This is going to sound terrible, but after hearing him say the same things over and over, hundreds of times, I just feel like I can’t take it anymore. I want to scream in his face, “JUST SHUT THE F*** UP!” The best I can muster is to say as little as possible, adding supportive comments here and there (like “I understand that is frustrating” or “I feel so bad for you”… that type of thing). Unfortunately, he’s now upset, saying that I don’t care enough. Occasionally, he makes comments that he just doesn’t care about anything anymore, that he doesn’t care if he lives or dies (not that he’s going to act on it, just that he doesn’t care). I have NO idea what to say to that. My general go-to in most situations is to cheer others/myself up. I do know that they say that’s not the best approach for a depressed person, so I have even less to say. Then he gets upset, saying that if I told him something like that, he’d respond with alarm, saying “we have to fix this!”. He imagines it like it is a one-time comment and the response he would have to it. This whole thing has been going on for a year and a half now, and he’s repeated these things to me so many times. That is a completely different situation than his imaginary scenario. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He’s been to different counselors with limited success, often with them quickly suggesting prescriptions. He is very against prescriptions. I agree. The mental/physical medical community really jumps to that to quickly and relies on it too heavily. Mental prescriptions in particular can bring on entirely new and additional problems than what you started with. So. What do I do? I don’t want to call it quits, but I feel that my own mental health is being neglected as all my energy is being put into how to deal with him. How do you respond in a caring way to someone that you love, but all you want to do is scream at them?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I am not a Psychologist but have had some experience with depression in my family and extended family. What I have learned is that there are two types of depression, one kind is the clinical depression, meaning your brain is unable to create the hormones you need to draw from in stressful situations so that you don't become depressed. The other I call a situational depression and as the name suggests, it is caused by a one time event you were not expecting and it either went on a long time or your mind was already low on the needed hormones to make it through, that one becomes easily depressed. A good example for me was when my middle child became depressed after a boyfriend dumped her and she had never been depressed before, ever. I also know that there are things a person can do if they have the situational depression to build up the needed hormones in the brain. I gave a list of them to the daughter but hey I am Mom so i don't know anything, right? Well she went once to a Psychologist, her one free visit through her job and the Dr. gave her a list, the same as mine and told her to do those to overcome the depression. For those whose bodies can't create these hormones no matter what you do, those people will need to take a medicine for it for the rest of their lives. I will say that through the teachings of a Psychologist who is now an author and also trains other Drs in the CBT method of mental health, which stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Yu will want to look for a Dr in your area who is trained in CBT. I say this because of a load of depression clients of one Dr who had just learned about and trained for, CBT, saw what success there was with his clients when they learned of CBT, and basically how their mind worked. These people did better, got totally rid of depression without medication. But just so you understand, at least 75% or more of his patients were the situational- started depression and misdiagnosed so people were getting prescriptions for something to fight clinical depression when thats not what they had.
Since your husband never had depression until a couple years ago, it most likely is not something he was born with. So its an event in your husbands life, that set him off and has him getting depressed. Knowing that is not enough but knowing exactly what it is that set him off on this path to depression. So it is best that he see a Dr trained in CBT. A CBT psychologist is more concerned with treating and curing what caused the issue in the first place. A Psychiatrist is the only one licensed to recommend prescriptions for a patient. Therefore you will want a psychologist who will teach and train you rather than write a prescription to merely place a bandage over the problem. Men tend to be less concerned about seeing a medical professional for help when sick in some way. Some totally refuse until at deaths door. So if your husband will not agree to go, you may have to make an ultimatum for him to see how serious this is to you and at least go for you.Your ultimatum should mention how his depression is affecting you, not just him but your marriage too. You have reached the limit of what you can take and need this to end. Mention something about not being a professional and not equipped how to help him, and how you see that as something that is not going to change unless you both try something new, like seeing a Psychologist and he may say no immediately because he is thinking that it will end with him being forced to take prescription meds. Let him know about something you came across, regarding CBT. You can makeup you read in a magazine, read on internet, saw it on a TV show long ago, or a friend told you about it because it helped them. I am sure that once he has the training and knowledge of ways he may be sabotaging himself into depression, he will no longer do those things, why other than not having to feel so bad all the time, no relief.
Now that you have explained what can be done, that 75% or more of people with depression do not need medications but something else he will share with you. It is time to find a Dr and set an appointment. Tell him you will go with him if he likes but he has a choice to say yes or no. Only that with saying no to seeing a Dr ever, meant you would go for a separation and give a time limit of how long you'd wait for him to come around. Then if you still are not seeing a Dr. to learn about how to think to get rid of depression, then much to your regret, you will get a divorce to save at least yourself. You wished he would choose to save himself, yourself and your marriage.
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