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I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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My boyfrend thnks I'm cheating on him.
I'm not! I shall say I'm attractive and a lot of guys like me, but i only have eyes for him. I'm also friends with mostly guys and I told him that when we first started talking and he semed to understand...
but I've told him everything imaginable how I felt and how I wasn't lying. I've even asked him if he's the on cheating and he says he's not. Today, he told me he's going to find out that I am some kind of way and I said I did not care because I'm not cheating.
& I always let him go through my phone & I go through his.
soooo... Wat can I do to prove to him I'm not? I'm sick of him saying it! (link)
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He wants reassurance. Its his insecurity.
I'm going to go off the assumption that you do care for this guy alot and want to work it out.
First thing is understanding, so we'll get back to insecurity.
Guys evaluate women. Its a fact of our mental processes, we relate relative merits of you to everyone else. In this case, your boyfriend has evaluated you as some level of "out of his league"
Because of this, he is paranoid about losing you, or about you finding another guy, and it makes him tense around you. The going through phones thing is actually good, its a mutually acceptable measure for reassurance, and the fact that you're both alright with it means that you both have an intrinsic desire to be trustable.
Thats great. He sounds like a keeper, you just need to work on his insecurity.
So with understanding comes patience. When you see him being paranoid, realize that its not because he thinks you would do something to him, its because he's so unsure of himself that he's not sure he will bring out the desire to be faithful in you.
A few things you can do.
- When he gets jealous, respond with gentle affection. A kiss on the cheek, a light rub, something purely sweet. Most guys jealousy stems from the physical, the worry you will stray sexually or want to. Remind him that sex isn't the only reason you're with him by being loving when he feels jealous.
- Encourage him to talk about how he feels without judgement. Tell him that you don't want to fight about it, and you don't want to upset either of you, but its important to you to understand how he feels and why he feels that way.
- Verbally reinforce that you choose him. I started doing this a while back, and it pays off. Tell him that you aren't with him because you just don't happen to find anyone more attractive than he is at the momtent. You're with him because you like him, his quirks and personality, and that you _choose_ to be with him.
Above all, try and be transparent. Tell him about your friends, get him used to and comfy with the guys you're around. Restrain the flirty side I have no doubt that you have a bit when you can, and talk to him about what he's comfy with and what you're comfy with.
One of the most common occurrences of tension is when a girlfriend is more friendly with a guyfriend than her boyfriend is comfy with. Ask him what makes him uncomfortable in that area, and tell him whats going on in your head in regards to the guys.
Also, if you're friends with a guy and wouldn't date him, don't be shy about sharing why with your boyfriend.
It makes him feel like he's important, because he knows things about your friends that your friends don't know about him. It makes him feel trusted and it gives him logical reasons why he's better than they are, thus they haven't got a shot in hell of beating him out with you.
Hopefully you won't have to make reasons up, but if they're convincing the effect is the same.
Example. My girlfriend and I are good friends with this guy. He definitely wishes he were dating her instead of me, but he is a great guy and tries to hide it as much as he possibly can.
I know she'd never stray, I trust her implicitly, but she felt the need to point out that because of a certain physical state he is completely unattractive to her. Permanently friend zoned.
It makes what little jealousy I might have disappear.
In addition to trying to show him that you're trustworthy, try to talk to him about his jealousy and accommodate him where you can. Try to be patient and remember that is his insecurity and worries that he's not enough to keep you that are bringing this out in him, not anything about you.
He's got to learn what its like to trust someone. Give him someone to trust and lovingly but firmly reinforce the message.
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Me and my girlfriend are 20 years old. We been going out for 2 years and 10 months. But on our anniversary I found a text message in her phone from another guy which called her babe and if he could call her at 9.15. I broke up with her and I don't know what to do.
She told me that she met this guy once before we started going out, he lives in LA but I don't know what to believe, she also told me that she's never done anything. And doesn't plan to meet him. She said she doesn't talk to him all the time, but its only been about less than 1 month that he started talking to her.
I don't know what to do. I love her. But I don't know if I can forgive her. What do I do? (link)
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She hasn't strayed, you have nothing to forgive her for.
Girls are allowed to seek opposite sex friendships. You have the right to know who she's friends with, and the right to some assurance that its purely platonic, but thats something I imagine you two haven't talked about yet.
Two years, you two need to be talking more.
Its important for you to lead on this. As a guy, I know how easy it is to just not talk about shit. Its easy to just forget about issues, and to not share whats going on in your head with her.
Two years in, you both need to start. I know what my girlfriend is thinking and she knows what I'm thinking. Part of being in a relationship and actually working to make it healthy is bringing up subjects you both want to talk about, and calmly discussing them together like adults.
Even when it hurts a bit.
Talk to her about this guy. Talk to her about what she wants in the relationship. Ask her what she's thinking, because its pretty important to know at this stage. Close to three years, you're moving through the fighting stages and maturing into something that can endure a good bit of punishment (or, you should be)
You love her. Get over yourself.
Try this.
"I feel like my trust was violated. I don't think you have done anything that I wouldn't want, but I wasn't prepared for the idea of you having a guy friend to talk to online. We've never talked about it, and so jealous instinct is just trying to take over. I guess I just want to be reassured that I am what you want, and that you're not talking to anyone else because theres a problem with us."
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Am I overreacting? I am 27 years old and my boyfriend is 31 and we are both divorced and we both have 2 children each when I met him he seemed like a family person but know he indicates he's not. all he wants to do is go to clubs, be with his friend, I feel like why are you even with me he has custody of his child that is 5 years old, we've been together for 2 years and a half but. I'm the type wants to have a family and settle and hes not but yet he wants his child to have a home with a really family. His ex wife is another person that only believes in clubbing and she was another man and that is why she abandoned her child and she is another one of my problem she has a boyfriend but still wants to get back with my boyfriend and writes notes to him saying I love you plus calls him all the time and i believe that my boyfriend feels bad for her.I get angry and im always in a bad mood and my boyfriend says im overreacting. i feel that he doesnt see evrything ive gone through with him plus when he talks with his ex wife he always tries to talk to her in private when before he used to talk in front of me, plus if it was for him my house would be full of guys from ages 20 to 28 in my house. But he tells me he loves me...what should i think. (link)
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Oi Christ.
Its time to walk.
If you keep on with him, you will end up a single mom to 4 children while he goes out and has fun. His children are obviously not a priority, and his attitude towards kids not matching yours is a huge insurmountable obstacle.
You are being used for sex and babysitting by a juvenile idiot, and he does it because all the effort he has to put in is to tell you he loves you.
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Today my mom walked in on my boyfriend and I having sex and now she doesn't trust me at all. I'm not allowed to have guys over and I knew that before today. But now it's all awkward between my mom and I and she expects me to feel terrible about what I've done, yet I don't and I can't! I don't think sex is a bad thing and I may be young at 17 but it was my first time and I was safe. I know we'll never see eye to eye on this but I just don't want this to be all messed up anymore. I pretty much feel like an idiot though, and she's making me feel worse. But even though I broke the rules I still don't feel like my decision was that horrible. Help? Anyone? Thanks. (link)
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Apologize for breaking her rules and her trust. Acknowledge that you shouldn't have had a guy in her house without her permission and that you made a bad judgment call.
Let her bring up anything else. At 17, you're legally old enough to be having sex most places, and at this point you've made the decision, she doesn't really get a say.
If she doesn't want you bringing guys over, thats her right, and its your responsibility to respect that (or to make damn sure you don't get caught again). I'm not going to pretend a guy won't ever end up over at your house again, but at the very least she deserves to believe you're being obedient and have some trust in you.
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Okay so my boyfriend of a year and 1/2 has cheated on me twice and it took me a long time but im starting to trust him again. Well a while ago his best friend kissed me but it wasnt my fault it was like a 2 second peck and i had no idea he was going to do it plus i told my boyfriend right after it happened. Well my boyfriend told me that i had to stop talking to him and i understood and i did. then my boyfriend didnt like my best guy friend ( we've been friends since 5th grade (im now in 10th)) and he made me stop hanging out with him. Well the other night we got into a fight and he told me that he didnt trust me and he goes through my myspace all the time and he has people watch me and then he got on here and was at my home page and asked me why i put on here that i liked someone else and i was like what the heck are you talking about??? and he called me a liar to my face then i got on and found out he was reading a question that someone had wrote to me and ugghhhh! im so frustrated ive never ever gone through his stuff ever and hes cheated on me!!!! HELP!!! what do i do???? sorry this is so long i just need help! Thanks in advance. (link)
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He cheats, and so he cannot trust.
Your boyfriend might be a decent guy when he grows up, but he is not now. Now, he is an insecure teenager with no ability to control himself, and he is NOT going to change while he is with you.
Its time to walk away from this.
I know thats a hard thing to drop out there, especially after a year. But he is too controlling and refuses to trust you. The only thing I really agree with is that you don't need to be hanging out with a best friend who kisses you.
Thats for your sake, because if he did that, then he is your best friend specifically because he wants to be more, and if you don't want more you won't ever have to sever with him, because all he's going to do is hope.
Your boyfriend does not have a right to access your personal shit. I do not have the passwords to my girlfriend's e-mail. And its not because theres a lack of trust, I simply don't feel the need to remember that information (she's told me more than once when she couldn't get to a computer and needed me to check something)
Similarly, she doesn't check up on me online. We don't check each other's search history, and we certainly don't bitch about myspace.
I'm sorry, but thats one of the stupidest things I've seen from teens today, fighting about status changes on networking sites and shit. You should never give out passwords to anything under duress, if a guy says he can't trust you or starts checking up on you like this, he isn't capable of providing the trust you want in a relationship.
And given what you described, his reaction and what happened (innocent on your side) you have done nothing to not deserve trust and he still isn't capable of it.
Heres how things will progress. If you don't stand up for yourself, you will either break up with him, or be very unhappy in your relationship. If you stayed with him, it wouldn't be because thats what was best for both of you, it would be because you were too attached to free yourself from a toxic relationship.
If you do stand up for yourself, you will either destroy the relationship, or he will back down and stop being overbearing.
Destroying the relationship wouldn't be a bad thing in this case. It would be destroyed because he was incapable of being reasonable and adult about all this, which is not your fault.
Basically, he's got to be taught that extreme distrust will not be tolerated within a relationship. The only way to do this is to stand your ground, change all your passwords and refuse to talk about things he or his friends read on a website you belong to.
If he doesn't stop and stop quickly you should continue standing up for yourself by breaking up. And stick to it for at least 6 months.
Personally, I prefer to end things on a good note than let a relationship degenerate until we can't stand each other. If you stay with him, and you don't make a firm stand for the trust that I think you probably fully deserve, you will eventually hate each other.
A last note.
I got to watch a number of couples close to me where one member was overbearing and the other conceded, including my parents.
My mother is now a carbon copy of my father in many ways that she wasn't until after I moved out. Given no one else to connect with on a daily basis she became that which best connected with him because he was so set in his ways.
The mother I remember is gone, and a stranger stands there in her place. Someone whom I don't know or understand.
Don't do that to yourself. Don't crush yourself down and accept someone treating you like an aberration, like theres something wrong with you for absolutely no reason. You will carve little pieces out of yourself over time, and if enough pieces get carved out you'll wake up one day and you won't even remember what you used to be like.
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This guy i am seeing has this extra sack like thing by his testicles. He says hes had it for 3 years or so. It looks like an extra testicle but it is not connected to it. It is filled with fluid and he can push it back in (thats what he said, idk what that means) But he showed me, and its not hard at all, and he says sometimes it hurts when he sneezes. He refuses to go see a doctor.
any idea if this is serious or not? Or what it is? (link)
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He needs to see a doctor.
Worst case would be testicular cancer.
No idea what the best case would be.
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For the past 4-5 years of my life, I have been struggling with the realization that I am most likely a lesbian, and at the very least bisexual. I don't consider myself homophobic in the least, but admitting to myself that getting married to a nice boy won't make me happy has been difficult.
I have had a limited number of same-sex encounters with other girls, but nothing too serious. I am now in college, and ready to face my future bravely and with certainty.
I am not sure how to explain this to my close friends. I feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure how to begin living out this "new chapter" in my life. Any advice? (link)
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Usually, the best way is to find a girl, start dating her, and then introduce her to your friends.
Once the questions come, answer what you want to.
Oh, and make sure you let the girl know that you're coming out to your friends. Most gays/lesbians I've known have always enjoyed being a part of someone they're dating coming out, so it more than likely won't be an issue. Warning is just polite.
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Hey im 18/f and my boyfriend is 21/m. Tonight we had unprotected sex and he accidently cummed in me. Im on YAZ birth control and never miss any days. We are talking about getting the day after pill or plan B. But im not exactly sure how that works etc. Could i get pregnant even though i am on birth control? Thanks ALOT! (link)
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Responsible birth control is almost completely effective in preventing pregnancy. Its possible in SOME women to get pregnant on birth control, not all, and even then its usually unlikely.
You've got about a one in a million shot.
Its not uncommon for married couples to stop using condoms and just use hormonal birth control and never have an unexpected child (at least not without antibiotics or alcohol entering the equation)
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Sorry, I didn't really know which category to put this in. I'm a 13 year old girl. My friends practically live for their cell phones and change them at least twice a year (everybody in my grade does). I don't know about other countries, but where I'm from, new and updated phones come out nearly every week. My phone is around two years old, and it's seriously old and outdated. I get good grades and I'm pretty responsible. .It might be a little silly, but I feel embarassed with my phone and feel pressure with my friends.My parents think phones should be emergency-only. Are they being unreasonable or am I? (link)
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At 13, you aren't expected to get it on your own.
What we have here is a sense of entitlement. Its not really your fault, its something you learn from your environment.
Sense of entitlement means that you feel like you deserve things you don't actually deserve.
In this case, alot of your friends get new phones regularly and because you do well you should get phone updates as well.
That logic doesn't work. Most people have cars, but that doesn't entitle you to owning one yourself. No one magically deserves something that other people have.
But the thing is, your friends don't "deserve" those things either. They are lucky to be provided them. Its something most teens don't figure out until they move out and start paying their own bills. When you can't afford ANY phone and wish you just had a crappy prepaid you start to understand how lucky you were to have a phone that you didn't really have to do anything to own, even if it was 2 years old.
Again, its not a perspective you've had the opportunity to see yet, entirely not your fault. But you are off base in thinking that you deserve a new phone.
Want that phone? Change tactics.
Your parents recognize something many don't, that you earn what you get in life. I think they're trying to teach you that.
Go pick out a phone. Find one with a decent number of features thats a reasonable price.
Then go talk to your parents. Tell them that you would like this specific phone, and you want to know if theres anything you can do to earn it. Tell them you know you can't afford it and you can't exactly go get a job to earn the money, but if they were willing you'd work it off somehow.
This will give you great experience in bargaining with your parents (and with authority figures in general).
Its at this point you bring in the fact that everyone else has one. Explain that you know that some kids just get bought things by their parents. Tell them that while you don't expect a new phone every time a friend gets one, you would like to update yours every once in a while, and its a goal you're willing to work towards.
See how that goes over. If they offer you a deal, take it. Even if its a bit unreasonable. The first time (and for an expensive item like a phone) will be a test to see if you follow through. If you do, it will be alot easier and probably with alot fewer conditions that you can get stuff out of them in the future.
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My Name is Mark and I am 29 and my girl is 26 we have a 1 year old son, for the past few months or so i have not been getting any attention for her i tried to talk to her about it a few times and tell her i need her but she takes it like i am complaining about her,I try to be romantic and try to get some alone time but i get i am to tried or the baby this or i need to do that and after that there no time for me and if we do have sex its not good she just doing it just for me and i dont like that so my question to you is what do i do because i am close to seeking time from anthor women but i dont want to i love her so what do i do? (link)
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I agree with the below, its time for couples therapy.
Alot of awareness, hard work, dedication, and a large number of conversations can overcome this issue.
I would sit her down and tell her that what you're about to talk to her about is important to you, and you need her to listen. Tell her whats on your mind, not the cheating thing but just the frustration of not feeling wanted in the relationship. Tell her that you want to be able to talk to her about it openly and honestly, etc etc, and try one more time.
If she gets defensive, recommend couples therapy a few days later.
She needs to be able to have a discussion without resorting to defensiveness and she needs to care enough about whats going on in your head to actually want to listen.
If she doesn't want to work things out, thats a very big problem, and I'd say talk to a couple's therapist without her.
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15/f
okay i currently live in a huge city in southern texas, and i hate it. when i grow up i want to live in the country in a small town in texas.
where almost everybody knows everybody. i'm going to college at University of Texas, and i'm ging to be a pediatrician. so i want to live in a nice house, raise a family, i want a cowboy type husband, i want a ranch, and acres of land. i also want to be the town pediatrician.
what do you think?
please dont think its unrealistic because anything is possible for me. i wanna grow up and live they way i wasnt able to when i was growing up. i want to be away from the city. i want my children to ride horses. hah i know this sounds weird, but its what i long for.
so my main question is do yall know some small towns in texas that fit my description???
kthanksyall! (link)
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Wow.
Thats adorable, I'm going to go make fun of my girlfriend for being country now.
The one thing I can say is that your "vision" is incredibly possible as long as you can clear the pediatrician hurdle.
Thats tough, but if you focus on it, its definitely possible.
Once you get that, the rest is downhill. Small towns usually have a relatively high demand for doctors, McAllen county down south, west of Dallas, or in East Texas there are places fitting that description.
You could live somewhere here outside of Kilgore, Tyler, or Longview and there are several decent major hospitals in the area. You could live out on land you bought somewhere and commute.
I live out here, unfortunately, I'm your opposite I live in small town hell and am longing for Austin.
Though, depending on where you're from you might like Austin. Its definitely smaller than Houston and the college community is like a small city unto itself.
If you ever want to know something about Austin drop me a line, I love to reminisce.
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Hi, I'm planning on having sex for the first time tomorrow with my boyfriend. It's not his first time but it is mine so I'm kinda nervous. Any kind of help would be helpful, thanks. I'm 17 btw and yes I will use protection of course. (link)
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- Decent sized pack of condoms. Spring for the 12 pack, especially if you're going to be around each other a while.
- VCF - Vaginal contraceptive film. Small film you push inside yourself, wait 15 minutes, you have spermicide. Its a second line of defense in case the condom breaks, its quoted 80 something percent effective against preventing pregnancy alone. Found next to condoms at CVS.
- Lube - Probably a good idea to have a small bottle. Astroglide or a generic version can be found, usually near the condoms as well.
- Don't be in a rush. If you can't get two or three hours alone min, wait.
- Relax. Its a big step, but its not going to shatter your world, and don't be afraid of fucking things up. You should be able to giggle about bumping heads or someone slipping off the bed.
- Sex is a skill. Everyone sucks (metaphorically) when they start out. You should both be ok with the fact that it might not be as good now as it will be once you get to know each other's bodies a bit better.
- Communication is important. Talk about it afterwards, about what you liked, didn't like, and whats going through your head about it in general. Be open and honest and get him to be the same. It might be a bit uncomfy at first, but the more you talk the easier it gets.
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I was wondering, what exactly are the chances for getting pregnant if you have unprotected sex. Today I went to my boyfriend's house and he didn't have a condom. When I asked him about it he proposed that we have unprotected sex. I immediately declined because I don't want to get pregnant at 17. But anyways what is the risk? P.S: I don't plan on having unprotected sex. Thanks (link)
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Unprotected sex the day after your period ends is relatively unlikely to lead to pregnancy. Its still possible, but highly unlikely.
Right before, during, and after ovulation until your period the chances are anywhere from very hight to almost dead certain.
You generally ovulate 2 weeks after your period, and are considered to be fertile for a day or two before you ovulate, but every woman's body is different.
If its within a week after your period you should be generally safe, but its not ever guaranteed. After that week, you're risking babies, and the further past the higher the risk. Unprotected sex where he climaxes inside you within 3 of your ovulation is almost certain to knock you up.
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My two best friends and I are in a love triangle. They dated over a year ago for two months and then broke up. But the girl (Jane) didn't want to let go so she agreed to be a friend with benefits, hoping he would take her back eventually. Time goes by and the guy (Bob) dates a couple other girls, but Jane does not. She remains obsessed with Bob. One day, Bob tells me he likes me and asks me to prom, and Jane gets really jealous of me. She is worried I will date Bob. I talk to Bob about the situation and Bob says that he and Jane decided to stop hooking up awhile back because he realized that's what made her so clingy. Anyways, Jane has been antagonizing me the whole time that if I date Bob it makes me an awful friend and she's gonna be done with me. At this point I wouldn't mind it because she is the only thing making things difficult. So should I just let the friendship die? Or should I give up Bob because of her? Giving up Bob for Jane's sake isn't fair because he and I both should be able to do what we want. It's oh so complicated and I need help dearly! (link)
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If you value the friendships, don't go out with him.
If you do date him, you can't keep her as a friend. If you don't date him, you can hopefully keep both of them as friends, and maybe when things cool down you can date him later.
I've been in that situation before, where a girl freed up from a friend and she expressed interest in me. I've always had a bros before hoes mentality for stuff like that, and its served me well.
And I have dated more than one girl who I was in that situation with. I just waited until it was obviously over and the guy started dating other girls, then picked them up without any animosity.
But its up to you whether you still want to be friends. It sounds like she might well be worth the effort, but it also sounds like you don't really want to put that effort in yourself.
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Well my problem revolves around relationships and sex. I am 19 F and have never had a relationship in my life.I have been asked out a lot and at the moment have a couple of friends who really like me, but I don't want to go out with anybody and don't want to have a relationship. I have never kissed anybody on the lips, don't feel sexual needs and haven't been attracted to anybody. I'm no blind, I can tell that someone is hot and cute, but i'm not attracted to them. Once I thought about going with someone who is really close to me and likes me, but then I had a headache and just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's as though I have this STOP switch in my head and can't overcome it. My problem is that I think I like someone but my STOP switch is in full activate mode whenever I think of trying something. My family tells me that my condition isn't normal and I need to see a psychiatrist if I can't overcome it myself, because it will create problems in the future and it might mess me up mentally. Is it really? Is there potential danger of that happening? Do people who just can't be in relationships or don't feel attracted to others other then me exist? I am becoming worried. It was never a problem before, I was just who I was and didn't care what others thought about it. But with the appearance of this new friend who I like this is becoming troublesome. And yet I don't want to change it. I know that when someone starts seeing a psychiatrist about a problem he/she has they have to want to change that problem in order for the sessions to work. Otherwise they are just going with defenses put up and ready to argue and defend their problem. I not only don't want to change it, I don't see it is a problem. It's just a part of me, which I can't and don't want to let go of. If I can't see it as a problem than why would I even go to a psychiatrist? Because it is hurting my friend that I like, who also likes me, and it is also hurting me when I think about that friend. And what my family told me seems to be coming true. I feel confused and lost and extremely ready to defend this part of me that others see as a problem. What should I do? Do I really have a mental problem? (link)
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It sounds as if theres some kind of barrier between you and your emotions.
I would honestly advise seeking a therapist. I could easily be wrong, but off the cuff what you described sounds like subconscious avoidant behavior.
A usual likely cause is repressed memory trauma.
Its possible that you simply have a much lower amount of hormones flowing through you than normal. That is easily fixed, once they figure out how much you're lacking they can give implants, possibly oral hormone pills to make up for the deficiency and get you back up to normal levels.
The other option is alot less fun, but if it IS psychological then theres something triggering. Your description of the "Stop switch" sounds VERY much like the avoidance I described earlier.
You are viewing a psychiatrist visit as an admission that "theres something wrong with me".
Thats not right.
As people grow and mature, they develop ways to help themselves, they learn more about how they function and learn to integrate that into the rest of the world.
Sometimes, the tools we need in a given situation are harder to find. A psychiatrist is someone who is trained in the use of the best tools to help yourself that people have learned. They might well be able to help you understand something about yourself that you didn't know before, or be able to help you solve problems you've had that you had been stumped on for a long time.
I was diagnosed with ADD when I was a kid.
This wasn't now, when ADD is a common excuse to give your kids ritalin to calm them down. This was when they didn't know a ton about it and were just starting to test for it. I was on the rather extreme end of the ADD scale.
I spent 4 years of my life taking meds for it. The school nurse would find me during recess to give me a couple of pills which I could never really explain to anyone what they were for or why I had to take them. I settled on "theres something wrong with me"
Thats the wrong way to go about thinking about it.
ADD is an obstacle I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. My attention span is that of a gnat unless I have enough energy for alot of concentration, and while I don't currently medicate for the condition, I don't see anything wrong with that choice.
Your mental state is an obstacle. Thats a fact you'll have to deal with. Sticking it out alone and trying to figure it out and integrate it into your life is one path around it, seeking help is another.
Personally, I would at least get tested for the hormone deficiency option. It should be an easy fix, and I think that if you figured out enough to know where this difference comes from and why its there you'd be able to make a better decision to try to change it or try to accept it.
Going to a psyche doesn't mean you have to decide that you want to change yourself. But it does show the maturity that you are willing to consider a change if you judge it to be in your best interest.
Oh yeah, and not having sex has no known physical negative repercussions. Sex is not vital for life, merely for its perpetuation.
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sorry if this ends up being long but i have two questions kinda...
17/f
ive never understood why society made it so bad for teenagers to have sex. i mean people 13 and even younger were having babies in the past, and that was considered acceptable? In fact if a girl WASNT married by 17 she would be considered too old...
i just dont get why its SUCH a horrible thing for someone my age to have sex if they are ready. and i know about sex. i know that it should be done only out of love, and only if youre mature enough to handle it, and only if you can take on the responsibility of sex and protecting yourself to avoid pregnancy. but if everything is perfect, then whats the big deal? thats my first question if someone could explain that to me...
the second ???? is more personal.
ive been dating my bf for a month, and weve been talking for two. hes already said he loves me, and hes proven it. but then again i can never again trust someone so blindly and im not sure its even possible to love someone after only going out for a month. (i havent said it back btw)
and i asked him how long he would be able to wait because im a virgin and i wasnt planning on having sex anytime soon so he should know that. he looked at me and said "i dont want you to have sex with me until you can look me in the eye and tell me honestly that you love me". That was great to hear, but of course i still get paranoid sometimes. because we started having oral sex and sometimes we get so into it we both just want each other, and i feel like i really wanna do it. BUT i know i shouldnt yet and want to wait longer...just that he forgets about what he told me about sex in the moment as well, and im understanding of that. I asked him if he remembered what he told me later and he said "yeah, but its easy to forget when youre in the moment" which is true because it happened to me as well. i guess my question is...can someone give me a reason why i shouldnt have sex with him, becacuse im running out of reasons... i already told him to get tested before we even had oral, and im going on birth control next week for acne issues so pregnancy wont be possible. and i really feel like im falling for him, and he shows that he loves me everyday....so...y wait? can you have love without sex for an extended period of time? im turning 18 this year btw... (link)
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First part.
I could write an essay, but what it comes down to is we don't raise our kids to be adults at 13 anymore.
That argument about having kids at 13 doesn't apply when you consider that they were usually married, and 18 year old young men were heads of household and taking care of families.
Further, you'd have to go pretty far back to have 13 year olds having kids, or you'd have to pick a culture that likes marrying off little girls to old men.
The bottom line is, sex complicates things, and biologically you aren't fully capable of an adult relationship at 13.
Do you know why 13 year olds have sex? It is most definitely not because they're adults and capable of handling their shit. Its because they're children and they want to feel grown up, so they _imitate_ adults.
Now, besides the fact that most teens are not mature enough to handle every aspect of sex, theres also the whole "its dirty and immoral" aspect.
Thats mostly an American affectation. Most other first world countries have a much more healthy general attitude towards sex. The most common age of consent worldwide is 16, most countries realize that 16 year olds are capable of making their own bad decisions and don't want to hold others legally responsible for a teen's stupidity.
In my opinion, you aren't ready because you too are a child imitating adults.
You've figured out alot of the common sense aspects. Thats good. But you don't really understand them. For example, you said "I'm not sure its even possible to love someone after only going out for a month"
Thats something you hear, but you have no personal experience to tell you why that is or what it means.
The simplest form is to say that part of love is knowing a person. Opening up, sharing yourself with someone else. Trusting someone else with your hopes and your fears, having them trust you in return, and learning how each other work.
You can't do that in a month. You can't learn all about a person, the good and the bad, in a month. In truth, you can't really know a person until you fight with them. Your relationship gets its first real tests when you exit the honeymoon phase and start fighting over things, start relaxing and not both trying to be perfect.
Its not enough time for you to relax around each other, and while the seeds of love might well be there, thats all it is right now. Seeds, and passion.
A last note.
When you start being regularly sexual (not just having sex, but where sexuality is a big focus of your time together) its common in young relationships that for a time every meeting becomes about sex. The anticipation before, trying not to fuck anything up so that you actually get laid, and whatever comes after.
When the sex eventually becomes somewhat routine, you've got to have a relationship to fall back on. If you have sex really early, theres not a whole lot of relationship there, and because you don't have the anticipation of sex driving you, its alot easier to just get bored and drift apart.
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the other day my boyfriend was going through my phone and saw his cousins number in my phone (he's a boy) but the thing is he's my second cousin too (me and my boyfriend arent relataed so dont worry) and he went off.. he pushed me and was calling me all kinds of names. now he wont call me back, answer my calls, or even answer my texts. its been 2 days and i still aint heard from him. i love him. and i know he didn't mean to push me. what should i do? im female and 16 will you please tell me what to do? (link)
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Thats a bit much of a reaction.
I'm going to assume that he knows or that you told him that the guy is related to you.
I think you feel in love with an idiot, and I honestly think its time to move on. This kind of huge overreaction usually points to anger issues, something he's going to need to deal with before he's datable.
And even pushing is crossing a line when you're being verbally abusive to go with it.
Honestly, I think its time to realize that he's not as great as you thought, and get used to being single again.
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hey..ive been asking you many questions about the same situation. it was this. i met a freshman at my friends house, i slept over, we started to like eachother, only he didnt like ME he liked me sexually and only thought of me in that way. in january he asked me to give him a handjob, this was over computer, he meant for the next time i see him. i said i would. and ever since that day its gotten worse and he convinced me to have sex with him. we didnt, because last saturday after saying he would come, he never went to our friends house. i bitched him out over the computer and was asking why never came, heres a little sample-
me:
do you know what what you did wasnt right though.
that what8
that what**
him:
idc it wasnt bad
me:
it just seems like you used me to help you jack off and tried to get pictures out of me but u never actually wanted to see me, am i right
him:
no
me:
okk haha whatever let me know when you decide to answer my question then..i bet you dont even know why tou did it either ha
him:
im not avoiding it god im not scared jesus fuckin christ your such a whore
me:
who do you think you are?
you dont call me a whore.
your a freshman.
im a sophomore. dont ever call me a whore again.
so yeah then he IMed me..monday..and was like i heard you said ew when we were talking saturday night. and i was like i said ew because you called me a whore. and then he said, oh im sorry bout all that and i said, its ok i guess..and he said, im really sorry i blew off and i really do want to do those things like i wont make plans and i said, yeah but im going to be away this weekend..weekend after maybe..and he said, ugh yeah and you still want it. and then i said, i dont know..after you called me those things..it just hurts. and all he said was, yeah im really sorry baby
i know that he just wants ass. he doesnt care about me, or what i have to say, unless it involves me saying what im gonna do to him when i see him. which, by the way, isnt happening anymore. my friends mom isnt letting anyone over because there moving out in 3 days after that day would have been. i was crying when she told me..because i realized id never see him again..ever. i even asked if maybe i could go to his house and do it or maybe that would be a bad idea..but he said it prob wouldnt work unless his parents were gone for a while.
OKAY- basically im posting this because...ive come to realize..for some strange reason..i really really crave boy attention. all the time. so much that sometimes i think about being a stripper or something when im older and have nothing better to do. when someone knew me, they would NOT think id do that. i dont seem like a slut..its almost like..i kind of want to be. and the crazy fucked up reason that i wanted to see this kid so badly is because..he gave me sexual attention, and i liked it.
i never used to be this way. i used to want a guy who liked me for me, and not my looks or body. even when this kid started talking to me, i wasnt like this. the day i said id give him a handjob, it got this way. now its almost like i WANTED to give him those things. like i used to not want to. at all. but i actually kind of wanted to give him a blowjob and a handjob..as crazy as that sounds. i neverr was like this. and no, it isnt hormones. its him. he has brainwashed me. i swear. i actually think he has made me into that worthless slut he wanted me to be. im not kidding. good job! your plan worked, asshole!
i kind of want to be a slut..thats not normal. something is wrong with me..i know its him thats done this to me. i used to have self respect. now i have 0. please explain why im having thoughts on being a stripper when i get older. that isnt normal. and ive become addicted to male attention.
(link)
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You are wrong.
Wrong.
No one can make you feel anything about yourself that you don't allow them to make you feel. You have a craving for male attention. He didn't create that, the mere fact that you've asked me numerous questions is proof.
The fact that the only interest in you hes willing to show is sexual interest is because he's a douchebag.
Yet, in spite of knowing this, and knowing that all he wants is a slut, you stayed around him. There are plenty of other guys you could find genuine care and respect from, but you can't seem to walk away from this guy.
It almost feels like you're trying to prove to yourself that this guy can like you for more than sex, as if you're staking your self worth on it.
You don't seem to get that you have no control over it, and need to stop trying.
You entered new territory. And at this point, the only thing standing in your way is YOU.
Thats right, YOU.
YOU are the one not walking away.
YOU are the one who gives this guy attention.
YOU are the one who is investing yourself in what this guy thinks.
Whether you want to face it or not, you're making a daily decision to be around this guy.
You need to stop friggin talking to him, you need to stop trying to blame him for traits you possess.
Let me explain something to you. You're horny. This is not bad, its not unusual, and at your age its relatively expected. Teens don't usually get the full impact of what puberty is. The hormones directly responsible for sexual desire and arousal are being produced for no particular reason. Guys in puberty get hard sometimes for absolutely NO reason. Its not because you're this super slut in hiding that he created, its because you're a normal damned teenager with a high sex drive.
You need to get a grip on that fact and start acting more like an adult. Adults know its OK to be horny and control it until they know its the right time to act on it.
As far as the desires to be a stripper, thats partially an expression of that high sex drive. Some people have higher drives than others. Its a fact of life. Everyone loves attention from the opposite sex, but the hornier you are the more attractive the prospect is.
I say the same thing I say to all girls like you.
Find a guy you like. A guy you fall for. Make sure that guy falls for you. And let all that rampant sexuality be kind of a gift you give him.
Thats what I did. I found a girl who is almost as sexual as I am, and I save that sexuality for her. I've opened for her a world of infinite possibility where sex is concerned, there is absolutely nothing she would ever want to do that I would not be able to be OK with.
The bottom line here.
Everyone wants to be liked for who they are, and everyone wants to be sexually appealing. The problem for you is that puberty combined with a high natural drive for sex is making the sexually appealing part even stronger.
And given how little experience you have with it, its something you're curious about and want to explore.
Thats in no way a bad thing IF you act like an adult and only indulge it after the first category (a guy liking you for you) happens first.
Theres your solution. Rein yourself in, walk away from any guy who seems more interested in sex than in you. Find a guy who is interested in who you are, and likes talking to you as much as he likes kissing you.
When you finally find a guy like that, let your freak flag fly.
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My Boyfriend. I've never felt so close to anyone.
So I did something stupid and had sex with him too soon on Thursday. He sometimes would talk to me on the phone until I got home which would take 30 mins. He didn't afterwards. He wasn't even going to walk me to my car until I mentioned it or didn't give me a kiss goodbye. Maybe because I had to end it short because I had to go home. Ever since then he hasn't been the same. To think someone could be so cold and to use someone for sex, BUT I have my doubts because these are the good things he did that no one could just think of :
-He'd wake me up everymorning for school and text me after to make sure I was up.
-We text all day and he would tell me everything that was happening at work; even little jokes his coworkers said.
-After I was done with my hw he would call me.
-I texted him saying I was going to take a nap he said, "no, call me so we can fall asleep together."
-I told him I can't help driving fast and one day out of the blue he said, "please don't drive fast. I care too much for you." So, I stopped.
-He wrote a song for me and only let me hear a verse and said I couldn't hear the rest until he was done.
-He always texted me to drive safe, even if it was just around the corner.
-He took my ring finger a lot and said "This will be mine one day..."
-He asked what age did I want to get married and let him kno when I found out.
-He looked me in the eyes and said "please don't cheat on me." (because he'd asked if I ever had on someone because I did...)
-he would hold my hand while we watch t.v. and then smile.
-he would hold me and squeeze me tight while saying he missed me.
-He thought I was sleeping once and kissed me on the cheek.
-He would never hang up on the phone when he needed to make calls; he three-wayed me with them. Especially his parents. AND He always insisted I meet them.
(when he called people he would say, my name and say I was on the phone.)
-He would look me in the eyes and hold my hands and say "forever...?
-He kissed me on the cheek and then I would kiss him on his and then we'd kiss on the lips; a small cute peck.
-He told me then always showed me what an eskimo kiss was.
-He always asked if I was hungry or ok?
-He hated mangos, but I loved them, so one day at work he bought a mango drink and took a pic and sent it to me.
-I knew most of his friends and we'd laugh and play videogames with them.
-If I even mentioned a boy, he would get annoyed and not want to hear it. If I mentioned a girl for him he'd get even more annoyed.
-Right before we were going to have sex, he asked if I was sure and looked me in the eye seriously.
Bad, after sex (Thursday):
-He was getting in his car after I was leaving and said he was going to his mom's, when I got home and asked if he was still there he said he went to get food instead, but was in bed. (usually he would have told me he changed his plans.)
-He did not text me bak that night until midnight (before he had said "if I dnt text you back that means it didn't send. I'll always text back)
I asked him about it the next night and I said "out of all nights we don't talk on the phone, its the night we had sex. he got mad and surprised and confused basically. so I said I guess I'm trippin."
-Friday no call hardly text. said he was moving things with his dad's new house. Last week when he was moving his things, he talked to me on the phone and texted me while moving.
-Saturday a goodmorning baby text. I ask if he's done moving at around 9, he said all he had to do was move the tv. but around 1230 I asked if he was done yet, he said "No, its an all day thing." !! and by the way, he never texted me back after that.
-Around 8 he calls me after I called him on this girl's phone to see if he'd answer n he DID. he sounded like he was driving and said "hey baby I been turnin me phone on and off so I havnt called you. Can you come over at around 1 or 2 tomorrow? I'm leaving my dad's house in the morning. And baby I just want to let you know I have been thinking about you--" I hung up on him and gave him "yea sure" answers. 1st: when someone is lying they make up an excuse, I wasn't going to ask why he didn't call me. 2nd he never says a time for me to come over!
Concluding this: Am I overreacting to things? Is this just me trying not to be a broken hearted girl? Or is he just a hit it and quit it guy? But WHY and HOW could he do those things to me with such sincerity JUST for sex? Is he really that cold........?
(link)
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Completely honestly, I cant tell you.
Theres alot of odd things going on, I don't think you're off base in feeling that somethings changed. As to what, I have no idea.
The amount of attention you detailed before sex is unusual if he was just hit it and quit it mode. Usually a guy who just wants to get laid shows the bare minimum amount of attention to achieve that goal.
Its possible, in the realm of human emotions and actions, that he is a cold asshole who went way overboard to make sure he got laid. I can't rule it out, I've known guys who did more and waited longer. But usually in those situations there was an extenuating circumstance, a reason they tried that hard.
I think it more likely that having sex fucked him up in the head too and now he's awkward. You need to talk together about what is going on. Be honest with him, tell him things feel different and tell him you want to talk to him about whatever is going on inside his head, and you want to share whats going on in yours. See what comes of the discussion.
If you can't get the discussion to happen, stop sleeping with him. I don't think you're anywhere near a breakup, but if he can't be adult about sex then you two aren't ready for it as a couple. The clothes don't come off until he's willing to talk about it.
A sidenote, don't blatantly state that talking is required for sex. Just tell him that it didn't feel right and you want to wait before you continue, and keep pressing for the conversation.
He'll either open up, or shut down and drift away.
If he drifts away, its time to end this.
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So I've known my friend Chris for almost 5 years now and we've become pretty much best friends. But I've been in love with him since I met him.. And I know he feels the same, but he won't do anything about it. Like we'll be driving in his car to get our friends, and he'll just reach over and grab my hand like it's no big deal but as soon as our friends get in the car, he lets go. Do you think he could be embarrassed of me or something? Because when we're alone, he's lovey dovey and huggy and acts like he wants to be with me but then around friends and at school most of the time he's totally different. Should I pursue something with him or let it go cuz it'll never happen? Please help me! :/ (link)
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Jesus Christ.
Get off your ass, go smack him upside the head, and kiss him.
Now.
::FakeEdit::
Seriously though, your friendship is doomed if there is mutual like. You can't be friends with someone you want to date, and if you don't date, you will drift apart.
If you do date, you might drift apart, but you gave dating a shot. Or you end up dating. No matter what, I can promise you'll regret it if you don't do anything about it. So go kiss him.
Now.
::/Fake Edit::
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