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love without sex?
sorry if this ends up being long but i have two questions kinda...
17/f
ive never understood why society made it so bad for teenagers to have sex. i mean people 13 and even younger were having babies in the past, and that was considered acceptable? In fact if a girl WASNT married by 17 she would be considered too old...
i just dont get why its SUCH a horrible thing for someone my age to have sex if they are ready. and i know about sex. i know that it should be done only out of love, and only if youre mature enough to handle it, and only if you can take on the responsibility of sex and protecting yourself to avoid pregnancy. but if everything is perfect, then whats the big deal? thats my first question if someone could explain that to me...
the second ???? is more personal.
ive been dating my bf for a month, and weve been talking for two. hes already said he loves me, and hes proven it. but then again i can never again trust someone so blindly and im not sure its even possible to love someone after only going out for a month. (i havent said it back btw)
and i asked him how long he would be able to wait because im a virgin and i wasnt planning on having sex anytime soon so he should know that. he looked at me and said "i dont want you to have sex with me until you can look me in the eye and tell me honestly that you love me". That was great to hear, but of course i still get paranoid sometimes. because we started having oral sex and sometimes we get so into it we both just want each other, and i feel like i really wanna do it. BUT i know i shouldnt yet and want to wait longer...just that he forgets about what he told me about sex in the moment as well, and im understanding of that. I asked him if he remembered what he told me later and he said "yeah, but its easy to forget when youre in the moment" which is true because it happened to me as well. i guess my question is...can someone give me a reason why i shouldnt have sex with him, becacuse im running out of reasons... i already told him to get tested before we even had oral, and im going on birth control next week for acne issues so pregnancy wont be possible. and i really feel like im falling for him, and he shows that he loves me everyday....so...y wait? can you have love without sex for an extended period of time? im turning 18 this year btw...
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well the first question is hard to answer. everyone has their own opinion. now your second question. sex isnt everything in a relasion ship. you can love eachother and still not have sex. like you said you shouldnt have sex until your ready. yes sex is supose to be for people who love eachother (if you go by the book or what people say) but love isnt just physical its supose to be mentaly as well. and it is hard to control yourself when your in the moment because your hormones kick in. love is a tricky thing. if think your ready then you should go with it. it all depends on you. good luck. anything else just ask.
-Tamera.
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Look I had a baby when i was 15 years old. I can tell you it isn't easy. You grow up pretty dang quick. Now I only being 17 I want to find my mr. right get married settle down. My son needs a steady enviroment not his mother dating around. which i have been doing. I get lonely and end up having sex like i can't control my self and I hate it. I finally found a good guy.. but we just recently started even talking relationship wise. Im late for my period. scared that what if im pregnant. i was stupid and messed around. whos the dad? sex complicates things. yes you are curious on what it feels like and the first time it hurts. but sex complicates the relationship and if you like it as much as me you want it more and more often. i lived with one my boyfriends for 6 months. when we broke up i was lost at first i used to it all the time and them to none thats what made me rebell. Also 13 year olds and getting pregnant.. oh man.. high school was so hard to finish but i did it. and now i am starting college and it isnt much easier. i work to support my son. i live with my father and hate it. i am working on moving out. live is tough and single young parent.
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I think WittyUsernameHere said most of what I was going to say but they left out the part about people who were getting married and having kids at that age were also dieing a lot earlier. And out of the 10 kids they had only 2 might survive. People grew up faster then girls weren't in school for the most part all of that jazz. Now listen I get where you are coming from. I'm 19 and I didn't have sex until I was 18 and don't regret it one bit. I'm the oldest out of most of my friends and one of the last ones to do it. But hun it came with a lot of drama for them.
I don't miss highschool but I remember it well. I was like you, I wouldn't tell a guy I loved him until I felt I did. I thought there was a lot behind those words. I even told a few not to say it to me and that they don't know what it means.
You want your first time to be special and with a guy that truly cares. Make a rule for your self. That if you still have strong feeling for him in 6 months and can say you love him you will have sex with him. If you can't wait that long maybe when you turn 18 or maybe you want to make it 3 months. I know its hard. But I'm now so glad I waited with all the other guys and after that time saw I didn't want to be with them. My rule was 6 months. I'm still with the guy I did truly love and we're engaged.
I look back and say thank goodness I didn't do it with the others because weather you realize it or not you will be emotionally tided down to this guy. If anything goes wrong it will be hard as hell for you to get over him. Make sure you really want to remember him as your first. & if you need more reason to wait then just think about how much it will hurt. You won't enjoy it the first time anyway or many others after that for that matter.
I'm glad you had him tested. & birth control is great but my friends mom had her little brother while using a condom and being on birth control.
& I don't know where you live but 17 is the legal age to have sex in NY.
I hope I helped or at least gave you something to think about.
Good Luck!!
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First part.
I could write an essay, but what it comes down to is we don't raise our kids to be adults at 13 anymore.
That argument about having kids at 13 doesn't apply when you consider that they were usually married, and 18 year old young men were heads of household and taking care of families.
Further, you'd have to go pretty far back to have 13 year olds having kids, or you'd have to pick a culture that likes marrying off little girls to old men.
The bottom line is, sex complicates things, and biologically you aren't fully capable of an adult relationship at 13.
Do you know why 13 year olds have sex? It is most definitely not because they're adults and capable of handling their shit. Its because they're children and they want to feel grown up, so they _imitate_ adults.
Now, besides the fact that most teens are not mature enough to handle every aspect of sex, theres also the whole "its dirty and immoral" aspect.
Thats mostly an American affectation. Most other first world countries have a much more healthy general attitude towards sex. The most common age of consent worldwide is 16, most countries realize that 16 year olds are capable of making their own bad decisions and don't want to hold others legally responsible for a teen's stupidity.
In my opinion, you aren't ready because you too are a child imitating adults.
You've figured out alot of the common sense aspects. Thats good. But you don't really understand them. For example, you said "I'm not sure its even possible to love someone after only going out for a month"
Thats something you hear, but you have no personal experience to tell you why that is or what it means.
The simplest form is to say that part of love is knowing a person. Opening up, sharing yourself with someone else. Trusting someone else with your hopes and your fears, having them trust you in return, and learning how each other work.
You can't do that in a month. You can't learn all about a person, the good and the bad, in a month. In truth, you can't really know a person until you fight with them. Your relationship gets its first real tests when you exit the honeymoon phase and start fighting over things, start relaxing and not both trying to be perfect.
Its not enough time for you to relax around each other, and while the seeds of love might well be there, thats all it is right now. Seeds, and passion.
A last note.
When you start being regularly sexual (not just having sex, but where sexuality is a big focus of your time together) its common in young relationships that for a time every meeting becomes about sex. The anticipation before, trying not to fuck anything up so that you actually get laid, and whatever comes after.
When the sex eventually becomes somewhat routine, you've got to have a relationship to fall back on. If you have sex really early, theres not a whole lot of relationship there, and because you don't have the anticipation of sex driving you, its alot easier to just get bored and drift apart.
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Hey there,
You sound like you understand how making love should be.
The main reason that teens shouldn't have sex is because you could end up with a child. I am not saying children are real bad, they are just a lot of work. Teens should not have children because they are usually not ready to raise a child and able to take care of it inbetween school, your friend life, work schedule, and free time. With a child,if you did have one,would take away time from every single one of these things. Most of the time,a teenagers parent is stuck to care for thier teen daughters child since the teenager is not able to balance all the activities I mentioned above with a child. There is no free time,you would constantly have to be with your child 24-7. I can see where you are coming from though, and these are only a few of the several reasons why pregnancy can be a big deal.
The only reasons why kids are ever having children that young is because in certain countries the life expectancy is very low, and therefore to keep thier society alive the kids have to have children young before they die. Also because of the little awareness that young people have in our world today about the precautions to take when having sex. Therefore they end up with a child since they have never learned or heard of protection and truly understood what sex can do.
About your second question..
I think if you are not ready for sex, and if your boyfriend truly loves you, he will understand and respect your wishes of not having sex until you are ready. One month is a short time for someone to realize they really like a person, but love does come at different times for different people. When you are going to give oral or anything sexual, continue to remind eachother that you don't want to go to far, or just don't do anything sexual at all if you feel you won't remember to stop. At least until you have told him you are ready and love him.
There are three simple reasons that should be reason enough for ANYBODY not to have sex, and those are: because you are not ready, you are afraid he will dump you after you have sex or because you do not want to become pregnant. Those are the main three. The second one I mentioned most likely does not apply to you. So, if you feel you are protected enough and can handle a child if you do become pregnant (for there is a slight chance) and you have both been tested, then I do not see why you should not have sex for any other reason.
And YES! You can have love WITHOUT SEX! for an extended period of time, or forever..
There are so many things that represent love! Things such as: holding hands, taking walks along the beach, smiling at eachother, cute flirtacious actions, giving eachother massages, making eachother handmade items, looking into eachothers eyes and thinking the same thing, going to movies together, giving him a gentle kiss on the cheek then looking away as if you never did it ;) , baking him cookies, making him breakfast in bed, telling him something you love about him every day, going swimming together, cuddling on the couch, watching a romantic movie at home, dancing together, kissing, touching eachother, feeding eachother chocolate dipped strawberries, making eachother love notes to find on eachothers pillow, and warm bubble baths together.. there are so many things you can do, these are just a few.
Its the little things that truly matter, and that a person will remember forever :)
Days from now, when you play the 'remember when' game, there will be so many things you will have done that you can look back and laugh at together, and that mean more than any sex will.
I hope I have inspired you to do more loving things in your relationship. Keep it going <3
Good luck :)
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