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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Why do European Jews think that Israel is their homeland, when a lot of them have 100% European ancestry, according to genetics tests?
Wouldn't that make their ancestors converts, and them not the descendants of the original Middle Eastern Israelites? By this logic, why are converts to Judaism generally frowned upon, compared to converts to many other religions? It's like Americans of European descent hating immigrants, despite their ancestors being immigrants, and Native Americans being the true Americans. Going further with this logic, why isn't there more sympathy for Palestinians, when surely they're more likely to descend from ancient Israelites than the average European Jew in Israel today? Just curious.
The Answer
I don't know where you got the idea that genetics are so important to global history. It's clearly not. Genetics is a very recent science. It has nearly nothing to do with the centuries of history, wars and politics that have brought us to the point we are at today.
Human distinctions where never based on genetics, but on perceptions and stories we tell about about race and religion and nations. Our culture is based on stories of belonging and familial mythology - not on science.
Those stories are why things are the way they are. Religions that don't encourage there members to go out and convert others, are usually less welcoming to converts. Many other religions are evangelical - they believe that God commanded them to go out and convince others that their religion is correct. Judaism places no emphasis on converting the world - that isn't part of their story - and that is reflected in their attitudes toward converts.
As for why European Jews feel that Israel is their homeland, it's simply because the concept of 'homeland' is a story. A powerful, meaningful story that is rooted both in thousands of years of history, as well as in the religion itself. It's not based in genetics, but in family narratives and beliefs. Suggesting that some Jewish people are somehow 'less worthy' than others is as arrogant as it is foolish. You don't get to define the stories of others for them.
As for why Palestinians are treated poorly, that is far more politics and a much longer story then I'm prepared to get into here on Advicnators, but if you are going to try to learn more about the history of that part of the world, I'd suggest you recognize it as the human story it is, and not try to make it make sense in light of most recent scientific understanding of genes. You wont be able to understand human history by looking at 21 century scientific advancements.
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The Question
If a guy has cancer and you swallow his cum do you get cancer ?
The Answer
No. Cancer isn't 'catching'. A healthy person cannot “catch” cancer from someone who has it. Cancer cells from one person aren't able to live in the body of another healthy person. (Except in some really extreme situations, like an organ transplant.)
Cancer isn't caused by infections or viruses or germs—the sorts of things you can catch sometimes catch from other people. Cancer develops because of mutations changes that take place in a person’s DNA. Those mutations just can't be spread through contact like sex or kissing. Just can't happen.
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The Question
So I will start off by saying 24/female. I have been now living around the world for two years, across 4 continents and am really enjoying this lifestyle for the moment. It is a true blessing that even though I made happen, I still feel lucky to have the opportunity. I even fell in love in one of these places, and though its not perfect due to the traveling nature of both our jobs, it makes me happy.
The question I want to ask is regarding friendship. My friends from back home although I try to keep them in the loop of my life as often as I can, do not really know what is happening, which country I am in, or any real details about my love life.
Recently talking to a friend from home she asked me how my relationship was, and I told her it was great, though i went into detail for the first time about why it is challenging. Her answer truly disturbed me and made me wonder, do good people say and think things out of jealousy subconsciously even when they don't mean to?
Her answer to me explaining the challenges of the relationship was matter of factly, without her really knowing the details, the guy, or the situation at all. it was simply: " I don't mean to hurt you but it sounds to me like you're just not the one for him, he doesnt really love you". She was implying that if he did love me none of the challenges I described would exist because in the end love conquers all????
For someone to say that when they don't know much about the situation just made me think...is it possible that people say things because they are subconsciously rooting for you to fail (not because of anything to do with you, but because they feel better about their own lives and situation if they see someone else struggling).
I don't want to think my friend is like this on purpose, or at all, but the whole ordeal just made me want to stop telling anyone any details and just keep what is my personal life to myself. In the end you are the one that has to live with it and make decisions, but having an answer as such coming from a friend really took me aback, not because I think she is right (although I've considered all sides of this), but because during the whole conversation, no other option seemed possible to her except that I should dump him and be single because he doesn't love me. And with this girl according to her no guy has ever loved me because this has always been her advice. (I've only had 3 guys in my whole life and not one of them was good enough or truly loved me according to her)
Just doesn't seem right to me.
What do you think?
The Answer
I think you are making the same mistakes as your friend did. You are assuming the worst of her, assuming she doesn't care enough when it's much, much more likely she is simply reflecting her own life experience and responding to the very limited information about your life.
If you think she is subconsciously rooting for you to fail, then you shouldn't be her friend, but honestly, you should check yourself on that assumption. It's almost more unkind than any of her assumptions about your relationship.
Chances are very good that her negativity is having a far greater impact on her own life than it could ever have on yours. So let it go. So she gives bad advice on guys. Sounds like this wasn't the first time she'd given you bad advice on guys either—you already knew this wasn't a strength of hers. Stop looking to her for advice on guys. If you have a friendship that is strong in other ways, focus on those other ways, and trust your own judgement when it comes to guys.
Don't let one person's bad advice create your entire outlook on advice and friendship. That's a bit overblown, and you are going to end up cutting yourself off from some good advice and support as well as the bad.
You are right that in the end, we need to make our own choices and live with them, but honestly, you also need to have the strength of character to accept that other people may view your choices differently, without shutting down, tuning out and never talking about your life with anyone.
We all have our weaknesses, our biases and our damages, but most of us do not actually want to hurt others. When someone gives you horrible advice, it's far more likely that they are reflecting their own struggles and biases than they are trying to do you any harm—even unconsciously. It means they are a bad person to seek advice from. It doesn't mean people are evil and all advice is bad.
I know this friend's comments hurt you, but you need to take a big step back from this ledge and put her comments in the context of your wider life. There are people worth listening to and considering their opinions. There are people who are not so much worth listening too. You've learned something about this one person. Don't let her mistakes colour your entire outlook.
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The Question
Good morning,
I'll start off by telling you that I'm 25/f. I work in a university in an office, 8:30-5:00. Seems like a pretty regular work schedule. But, for some reason, it's really taking a toll on me. I'll elaborate. There are three of us in the office and we all take lunch at separate times, with the exception of the manager. He is not included in the three people I just mentioned, so he takes lunch whenever he wants. Because I was the last person to be hired in the office, I take the latest lunch, which is from 1:30pm-2:30pm. This has posed a few problems for me. I am hypoglycemic, which means that my blood sugar drops and can get very low. In order to avoid this, I typically eat about every 3 hours. But, when I have a full meal, I can extend it a little bit longer. The problem is that if I'm eating snacks all day, that's not very satisfying. By the time that it's lunch time, one of two things has happened:
1. I've eaten way too much throughout the day. I've had to be eating snacks continuously to avoid my sugar dropping and at 1:30, I'm not even hungry, but I still have to eat... because I'm not gonna get another chance to eat until 5.
2. I haven't eaten enough and I'm starving. I have a glazed look in my eye. My hands are shaking. Basically all the symptoms of a hypoglycemic person.
If I were able to switch my time to a more descent time, like 12 or 12:30, it would be a lot easier for me!
When I leave at 5, the food is typically still heavy in my tummy because it's only been about 2 hours since I ate last. It makes it difficult to feel energetic after the work and get things done, like going to the gym and running errands. I am trying to get my lunch switched, but it seems like my supervisor isn't budging.
I know that I need to find a new job soon because they are not being at all sensitive to any accommodations I have requested. I requested a day off in April because it's a Jewish holiday and I was denied the request because it's a "blocked off day." However, I think religious observation is a pretty legitimate exception. I think that switching my lunch time due to a medical condition is also a legitimate exception. But, still, no one budges. So, I am looking for a new job. In the meantime, can anyone offer me some advice on what to do?
The Answer
Besides be more careful about your pre-lunch snacking, I'm afraid I have no advice.
You are right that both refusing to alter your lunch hour and denying you a religious holiday off, are serious errors. The kind of errors you might be able to take up with human resources (a university workplace will almost certainly has some policies that should offer your some protection) or failing that, to court.
But, that's a lot of hassle. Maybe more hassle to fight than to find a new job. Whether you want to fight it or not, looking for a new job would be a good idea.
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The Question
It was our last day of school today so I thought it would be a great idea to tell my old crush that I liked him so I approached him and said "Hey I liked you." but what I didn't expect was his reply, "Same". wtf After that when we bumped into each other he seemed like he was abashed or some sht and after like a few minutes, when we were told to go home i was going in a different direction than he was but he tried to go in the same direction as I'm going like tf hahah but like what confuses me is that he didn't really show that he liked me but I kinda noticed something but he did some things that contradict with the romantic gestures and stuff. Damn this was harder to explain than I though. XD
The Answer
So, your plan wasn't good enough.
Saying "I liked you." is useless! What were you trying to achieve? You have to have a follow-up like "I want to talk/stay in touch/whatever." or "I want to go to a movie with you."
You dropped it. So he dropped it. He literally followed your lead here. He's probably sitting around doing the same bullshit you are doing right now where he thinks you aren't serious because your actions after you blurted that out, contradicted what you had said!
You can't just blurt it out and expect it to take off. You want something to come of this? Try again, and don't walk off until you've had an actual conversation about it.
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The Question
Long story short, I've been dating a guy for two months. He puts on this persona like he's this really funny and awesome to be around guy. Everybody thinks he's a rising star and he's pretty much the "cool guy" on campus. He also pretends like he's very religious and sweet.
We're both 21 and live on campus at a University. I started dating him under the same pretense and for the first month things were great. Then he got very manipulative, dark, and controlling. He started telling me who I can and can't be friends with. He approached them and told them to stay away from me. He made me quit a club I was going to and also stop going to bible studies. Anytime I go out with my off campus friends he gets very angry with me and tells me my friends are losers and whores when he's never even met them. He's even waited in front of the dorm building for me to get back to see who I was with.
When we were on spring break and he had to go back home to another state he was constantly asking me who I was with and what I was doing. Even when I was with my mom he wanted me to constantly be answering him and got mad if I didn't do so promptly.
I also just got a new job and he's always heckling me to quit even though I need the money.
Another thing was when we first started dating he told me he wanted to wait until engagement to have sex. Then I found out he wasn't a virgin and then he started wanting sex from me. Now every time I'm with him he wants sexual favors and gets mad when I don't give in.
I've have a kidney infection for two days and I've been in a lot of pain from it. He knows this, but he refuses to believe it even though I'm on two prescriptions and he claims that the doctor is wrong. My doctor told me not to have sex until it goes away so I refused last night, and he started guilt tripping me and told me that our relationship isn't healthy when I refuse to have sex with him. I got upset of course and told him that it's my right to say no and then he replied with "You know I've ruined all of my ex girlfriends lives" and went into detail about it including a story about he convinced an ex's family that she commit suicide.
When things like this happen he always tries to smooth things over, by layering on compliments and telling me how much he cares about me. He's always asking me if I have faith in us and our relationship and telling me he does. If I try to tell him that I feel like his behavior is wrong he pretends to get really sad and says that I'm just misinterpreting his intentions and that he really cares about me and can see us together for the rest of our lives and then I get confused.
I'm so lost. I don't know what to do! I feel like I'm stuck and like hes blackmailing me into staying in the relationship. Nobody on campus would ever believe me if I reported him because he acts so nice and sweet to all of them. I don't want him to ruin my life and I know if I broke up with him he would. I'm scared that the only way for me to get away from him is to stick it out until summer vacation and then transfer colleges.
Please help!!! I don't know what to think or what to do!
The Answer
You do need to end this fake relationship. It's only abuse now, and you have to save yourself. Waiting it out is truly dangerous at this point.
You should also find out what sort of support your school has as far as counsellors or mental health support, and go to them for help. You need to ask them about support you can expect from security, if he starts showing up and following you on campus again. You should tell your employer that you have an ex who has said he will try to hurt you, and to please be on guard and not share your information or schedule with anyone who comes around asking. You also should try and tell your family, and close friends what is happening.
You should not be ashamed. You need support. You should demand that support. You are being abused. You haven't done anything wrong. You are being abused. There are people who should believe you—and maybe some of them wont—but there are also people who will. Start looking for those allies in your program and in your school. If you live in residence, that is a great place to start. Those people are usually a bit more aware of these issues than others.
Please. Please. Please. Be brave and ask for help. I can't guarantee you that everyone will believe you, trust you and respect you, but there are people who will, and you need it and deserve it.
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The Question
I'm a 20 year old female. My boyfriend got super drunk last night and texted me saying his ex has a nicer butt and prettier face. I broke up with him because I feel like drunk words are sober thoughts. He's begging for me back now and saying he'll never forgive himself even told me he loves me. We've been seeing each other for 5 months. Should I forgive him or should I let him go right now that I'm still early in the relationship?
The Answer
It's really up to you.
Five months isn't that long, but it should be long enough for you to have an idea if this a guy who made a single really stupid mistake, or a guy who thinks lots of stupid things and just got caught saying some of those things aloud.
Personally, I don't like to say that 'drunk words are sober thoughts'. We all have thousands of thought pass through our minds that we know are stupid, petty or wrong. Those thoughts don't define us. What we choose to say and do defines us. Certainly, those thoughts passed through his mind—and of course that is hurtful—but it doesn't mean they are his true feelings 100% of the time.
Trust your gut. If you believe better of him then this, and want to forgive him, go for it. If you are feeling more 'meh' about him now, and are completely comfortable letting him go, then don't allow his over the top behaviour now to wear you down.
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The Question
OMG! I really longed to have a pet cat but my mom is allergic. The only pets i like are cats! But my mom wont let me keep them because she is allergic to them! But I really want one! Please help!
Sincerely,
Confused Cat Lover
The Answer
Your mother's health is far more important than your desire for a cat. I'm sorry. There is no two ways about this. Allergies are absolutely, without question, more relevant to this decision than your love of cats. You cannot bring a cat into your mother's home if it will trigger her allergies. That is not okay. No one should have to live with constant illness caused by allergies, or spend thousands on allergy medications and treatments, if it can be avoided. You cannot expect or demand your mother do either of those things.
Wanting a cat is not a good enough reason to make your mother sick.
You might want to look into volunteering with an animal rescue or SPCA. That'd be a good way to spend time around cats who could use the company.
Until you are living in your own place, in an arrangement where a cat can be brought in and everyone can be healthy and happy, you cannot have a cat.
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The Question
My 14-year-old daughter identifies as gay. Let me make it clear right from the start that I have absolutely no problem with that. If she wants to date girls, I'll treat her girlfriends exactly as I would her boyfriends, and if she got married to a woman someday I would totally welcome my new daughter-in-law into the family.
The thing is, I'm not sure she really IS gay. The reason is that those who I have known who are gay say it's something they've known all their lives (I've certainly always felt hetero). That's not the case with my daughter; in her childhood, she talked about "cute boys" and such, and she's even said that this is something that evolved in her over time. And I don't think it's that she was afraid to tell us; my wife and I have always been very open with her about our position that there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with being gay. She, in turn, tends to have very little shame about revealing her feelings about people and things (often to a fault!).
My question is: Is it possible for one's sexual preference to change with the onset of puberty? Is it even possible for it to change AT ALL?
The Answer
Yes, sexual orientation (and I would encourage you to call it orientation, and not 'preference') can change. A person's understanding of their orientation can also change. People can also choose to assign different labels to the feelings they have always had, or to change labels in the light of new feelings they are experiencing, as they grow and learn more about themselves.
I've assigned a lot of different labels to my sexuality over the years. My understanding of myself as changed, but the love, attraction and affection I felt for others remained honest and real no matter how I was identifying at the time.
Your idea that people always 'know' from a young age is simply mistaken. That's a common story, but it's not everyone's experience. Some people wake up at age 30, the pieces fall into place, and they realize what they really want. Not because they were repressed, or homophobic, or lying to themselves, but because they just didn't get it till that moment. That can happen and it does.
More importantly tho, you owe her the respect of believing what she has told you and taking her self-reporting seriously. That really is the golden rule here—it sounds like you know that—but you are faltering in that respect a bit right now.
Honestly, I know that sucks to hear, because she is 14 years old and nearly everything in her life is your business, but this isn't. This deep knowledge of herself is out of your purview as her parent. The only knowledge you get on this subject is the stuff she figures out and chooses to share with you. She's becoming her own human being and that means she'll always be the expert on the subject of her own orientation.
So try to stop speculating. It's not kind or very helpful. You've got a great start here with honesty, openness and respect. Don't muck that up by undermining her. Listen to her. Ask her questions, but don't assume, and don't assign labels or descriptions. That is for her to do. Her language and her understanding may change. It may not. You'll know when she tells you, not before.
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The Question
I dont want to live with my mom anymore because she is a complete B*tch and is always yelling at me. I will do nothing wrong and she will scream at me and say im lying. Im 14 year old girl and I dont know what to do. It says that I can be emancipated at 14, and I really want that, but she is a strict as f*ck person. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
The Answer
I know you don't want to hear this, but the truth is emancipation is probably not an option for you.
Emancipation is a legal tool for young people who need to *protected* from the legal decisions of their parents. Typically, because their parents are refusing them medical treatment, or are using their name for unethical finical dealings, or their parents are criminals and involving the young person is criminal acts, or are being abused in some way.
Emancipation may seem like a good idea, but it's actually a very difficult process. To be emancipated, you have to prove to the court you can rent and love someplace else and are capable of supporting yourself (including food, health insurance, all those things), and are able to provide a reason to the court that you would be better off out of your parents home. "My mom's too strict" isn't going to be a good enough reason. Your home life will need to be found to be abusive. There would have to be a reason to protect you, legally, from your mother.
So, emancipation isn't your solution.
If you don't want to live with your mom anymore, the better thing to do is look around for a place you may to go, and be welcomed. A family member, or a family friend can take you, with your mother's permission.
If you are being abused, call the cops. Talk to a teacher or a counselor at school for help. It's okay to ask for help, but help from another adult is what you need right now. Emancipation is a legal tool for going it entirely alone. You are probably not equipped to go it entirely alone. Look for support.
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The Question
About 4 months ago I was 13 wks pregnant and had an unexpected miscarriage. It was days after finding my best friend since 6th grade and my childs father naked in our bed together when I came home (they swore nothing happened--that they were just really drunk and . So, I blamed the miscarriage on him. He thought that I had gotten an abortion or done something to hurt the baby (never would I have done that). Well... Long story short, my child's father & I split up and I slept with my ex 2 times. When I came back to him I told him what I had done. Well, he told me in order for him to forgive me that I had to quit my job, pack up and move to sc with him for a job offering that he had gotten... & I needed to get pregnant again. So, I did it. Well, after I got pregnant he finally told me that he had slept with my best friend. We were so close. My kids called her aunt & I was her sons godmother. We have always been so close. I even used to tell her that she is the only person in the world I would ever trust to lay naked next to my husband. We were inseparable. I'm not sure why she did what she did to me. But it hurts. I feel so betrayed by both of them. On top of it, my child's father told me that I need to come clean with whatever else I am hiding because he "KNOWS there is more"... Well, there is absolutely nothing more that I am hiding from him. No secrets. I wish there was a way to prove that to him, but I can't. Other than to continues flu tell him that I am telling the truth. I have told him absolutely everything! I have no secrets anymore and I should feel great about it. But, he is making me feel terrible... Like I am lying to him and still hiding stuff from him. He says I just need to come clean for closure or we will never move on from this and we will never be happy again. It is making me resent him as the days go by. I hate the fact that I have told him every little secret and he still doesn't believe me. I hate that he will never find closure because he has his mind set that I am still hiding stuff. I think if I stay, he will eventually cheat again because he thinks I am still hiding stuff from him. I can't deal with it again. But I also do not want to miss out on the amazing life we could have together if he would just let me prove to him that there are no secrets. We have potential to be great. A happy loving godly family who should and would be forgiven for the sins they have confessed. I don't know whether to stay or walk away. Please help!
The Answer
You should probably leave.
This man has so little trust and respect for you, that he disbelieved you about a miscarriage. That's the first, huge red-flag. Now, he's trying to desperately to invent a way in which you were 'just as bad as him' even though all you did happened during the break-up.
He needs you to be the bad guy. He needs you to be the one who has to 'make it up to him'. You already saw this before, when you had done nothing wrong, and he insisted you move and get pregnant to appease him. That means he is unwilling to accept what he actually did. It's likely that he doesn't want 'closure'. He doesn't want to forgive. He wants to win. And for him to win, you must lose.
Stop fighting with a man who only wants to win. No amount of relationship potential will make up for a guy who sees you as his opponent, not his team mate.
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The Question
... and ever since my dad's been talking about him, I've felt this high spiritual connection with him. Yet I haven't even met him. But I've never felt this spiritual love for another guy before. A little while ago, my dad finally sent me a picture of him, and he's... not my type. Like he isn't... attractive. But since I feel this spiritual connection towards him, do you think if I get to know his personality (start talking to him on a daily basis) I'll eventually find his looks attractive?
I know looks don't matter, so you don't have to tell me that.
The Answer
You might not like my answer, but you developed a fantasy around a person you never met, or saw before. You wrote a love story starring him and yourself before you knew a single thing about him. What you are calling a high spiritual connection, is much more likely just fantasy fixation.
If you think you feel a connection to him then you should definitely get to know him as a person—and abandon the story you have built in your own head about who he is so you can truly met the person he is without your own judgments clouding that possible new friendship. HOWEVER, you should not pursue a romantic or sexual connection with someone who you do not find at all physically attractive. That is unkind to him and to yourself.
Will you eventually find him attractive? Probably not. That is very, very rarely how sexual attraction works.
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The Question
Why do girls giggle, laugh and make stupid comments when they see me shirtless?
The Answer
Because young girls, just like boys, are curious, distracted and a bit uncomfortable with bodies of the opposite sex.
Or, it could be that they think it'd be rude to just tell you to put a shirt on.
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The Question
I have a friend, we have been friends since Pre-K. I have always had strong feelings for him, but I never saw him interested in being anything more than friends. Now he claims that he likes a girl in our school and grade but he couldn't tell me who because of 1 thing. So, naturally, I asked him what that 1 thing was and he said he couldn't say. I think his friends know who he likes, but he wouldn't tell me. Finally I pestered him enough and he told me he liked a girl at our school named Lauren Freeman, but I checked the directory and there is no one named Lauren...do you think it's me? Should I tell him I like him after 10 years of friendship? WHAT DO I DO?
The Answer
Crazy idea: You could be honest.
You've liked him for years, this would be a good time to tell him.
One of you is going to have to be brave enough to risk rejection. If it's not gonna be him, then maybe it needs to be you.
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The Question
I'm 17,F. I've had a crush on this guy for a couple years, and recently I've been trying to get up the courage to tell my friends and then try to talk to him/tell him I like him. However, just this morning I found out that over March break he went on a date with another girl.
My friend who told me was all excited, because she thinks they will make a great couple, and I see her point, but this news left me totally shaken. I felt betrayed, even though no one knew they were doing anything to me, because no one knows how i feel about him.
How do I get over my feelings for him? I've had a crush on this guy for 3 years, and for the past 2 months I've been crushing especially hard...Also, the girl he's with now is sort of one of my friends, and I don't want to hold a grudge of any kind against her, but it's really hard...every time I saw either one of them in the hallway today, I nearly started crying. I couldn't concentrate on anything.
How do I move on? I think I have sort of had like a fantasy in my head for a while where I started dating this guy, but now that fantasy world has been destroyed! For the past few months, I have thought about this guy every day, so how do I stop now that he is no longer available? Because I don't want to go on wanting him when I can't....
I'm just so confused and upset...I don't know what to do...please help!
The Answer
I know it sucks right now, but you are actually in a really healthy place, even though this is disappointing.
It's really good and healthy for you to recognize that a large part of what you are mourning is the fantasy. Hell, it's even normal to feel a bit sadness when a celebrity you have a crush get married or thing that! It may seem silly, but it's not wrong or evil.
You won't get over your feelings over night, but one of the best ways to get past them is to not dwell on them. Avoid too much contact with your crush, and avoid conversations about your crush. Don't feel like you have to gossip about him all the time to prove you are okay. Just change the subject. No Facebook stalking.
If there was ever anything you'd like to learn in your life, like how to bake a cake or how to knit, now is the time. Busy hands and a busy mind will help.
Letting someone go takes skill and practice. It's not something we're born knowing how to do, but you're in good place to learn. So don't be too hard on yourself.
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The Question
I've been told by a few men that I've had crushes on and I approached, "You're too good for me and I don't deserve you" Huh? How is someone too good for someone? I have a good head on my shoulders, a good job, and I take care of business like a woman should, I have morals, values and self-respect... how challenging can that be for a man?
I had asked this guy out last year and he said lets just stay friends, I said yeah ok....and then a week ago he came out the sky blue and said you're too good for me and I don't deserve you...WTH?
The Answer
They just aren't into you.
It's nice to think that you are just too awesome and they are insecure—and maybe their insecurity is part of it. But the more important takeaway from this is that these guys aren't that into you—not into you enough to overcome whatever insecurity or opposition they have—and are choosing to tell you that in a way that is complimentary and flattering.
And the truth is, if these guys reject you with that kind, half-truth then they aren't a good match for you anyways.
The last thing you need in your life is a guy that needs constant reassurance that he is 'good enough'.
You may also consider the kinds of men you are crushing on. I see no problem whatsoever with a woman approaching a man or asking him out—but if your type tends to be more reserved or introverted, then too much directness might be uncomfortable for them. Not because you're a woman and they are a man, but because they are a more reserved person in general. If calm, steady or introverted men are your thing, take it a bit slower with them and express your interest in their character, hobbies and opinions for a while before you express romantic interest.
It's not about changing yourself, or toning yourself down, it's about recognizing that other people's feelings are important and that the approach that one person finding flattering might turn another person off.
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The Question
How would you feel or react to seeing your son in the nude? Example being if you come home from work one day and you find him relaxing nude sunbathing in the backyard and you get the full eye view of him and his nude body, how would you feel?
The Answer
Why are you asking this question?
It sounds a lot like you are asking for someone to talk you through the opening scene of an incest porno. If that wasn't your intention, you should probably reask your question and ask about the advice you'd actually like to receive.
As it stands, this isn't an advice question. This is just a really awkward personal question, that ends up sounding really sketchy.
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The Question
So I am a male and I'm 21, this past weekend I attended a party with at my best friends girl friends house (there were other friends as well. We were all having a good time then it came time to go to bed because everyone has had enough. I send them to bed and My best friends girl asked if I would cuddle with her. Before I tell you what my response was, I became friends with this girl before I knew her boyfriend, I even asked her out. So when she asked me I said yes, I knew where this could have gone, we downed quite a few drinks and we weren't ourselves. So we are cuddling and then we start talking and she asks "do you still have feelings for me" I didn't want to reply but I ended up saying yes anyways. We continue to talk about how she felt sorry that she didn't give me the chance I deserved and how the past two days she saw how much I really cared (I am just a caring kind of guy). After a little bit of conversation we are face to face and I ask her what are you thinking, I don't really remembered what she replied but we ended up kissing, I stopped her and I told her " why did you do that" she had no clue but I didn't question it and kissed her some more. We talked some more and I told what we are doing is really wrong I love your boyfriend we are practically brothers, and she understood but she kept repeating that "I don't think it's fair for you to be alone while i'm happy with him" I said I rather you be with him than with me and I knew when I said that I should have left but I stayed in bed with her, and we continued talking and we ended up making out some more. I once more repeated why are we still doing this, she then started talking as if she was going to leave him for me, and I told her to not do such a foolish thing. We continued talking until I fell asleep around 4 am. I get use the rest room and go across the room to another area to sleep in. We wake up the next day and we talk about it and she felt horrible about what she did, and she had no idea why she asked me that question, I hated myself to my core because I allowed it to happen. We both ended up agreeing that we are not going to tell her boyfriend anything because it would hurt him greatly because this girl was his first girl and maybe the last. I told her that I wouldn't want to hurt him either. So that's that, but ever since then I cannot stop thinking about how passionate our kisses were as if she truly felt something for me. The kiss didn't mean much to me I really liked it but it didn't have any umph. I guess the question how do I deal with this because this guy is my best friend I talk to him every single day and to know that I made out with his girlfriend makes me hate myself because his girlfriend is his world. Help me find closure. Side note: the worst part is we had full control of our actions, the alcohol didn't effect much at all.
The Answer
There is no closure. You get to suffer. Seriously. Nothing anyone can say can absolve either of you or make this better. You both fucked up royally and although I actually agree with you that right now, the only thing you can do is suffer silently, alone, and not drag more pain and suffering into this by telling your friend, even that is probably going to cause problems in the future.
The way you describe this makes this girl sound like she is a super shady and an attention seeker. You aren't super special—if she sought your attention like this there is a real chance of her seeking someone else's too. She is probably going to hurt your friend, which means you are probably going to have come clean at some point.
No matter how this shakes out, it's going to suck for you. For now, just keep a good healthy distance from this woman and encourage your friend to have more in his world than just this girlfriend. Pinning all his hopes for happiness on her is probably unwise if she's the kind of woman who'd seek out this sort of attention from her boyfriend's best friend, and then think about dumping him for that friend after a late night make out. You both fucked up, but the particular way she fucked up doesn't leave a ton of hope for long-term happiness for her and your friend.
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The Question
I wanted to know if there are others out there who feel that it is still ok and normal for parents and their adult age offspring to discuss their sex lives with each other?
The Answer
There is no one, single correct way to have a healthy relationship with your parents. Normal, shouldn't be the goal, healthy, respectful and happy should be the goal.
For some parents and adult children, talking openly about sex may be perfectly healthy. For others it may be invasive, unwelcome, or hurtful.
The more important question in any relationship between adults is to ask if everyone is feeling respected and cared for. If that is happening, it doesn't matter if you are talking about the weather or your latest one night stand.
If your parents are talking to you about their sex lives and making you uncomfortable, speak up and tell them that it's not a part of the relationship that is working. If this is something you want to speak to your parents about more, feel them out and ask if this could be part of what you talk about AND respect their comfort level if they say no.
If talking about your sex lives is already a normal part of your relationship, and no one feels hurt or uncomfortable by this, then just keep doing what you are doing.
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The Question
I am an ex-catholic. After leaving, at 10 maybe, I was an atheist until about 12 when I found Wiccanism and Paganism, and I really felt like I fit in and found new faith. Now I've read some articles about how Christianity and all forms of christianity are declining rapidly and religions such as Buddhism, Islam, Wiccanism/Paganism and the such are growing drastically on the other hand. Islam isn't really my cup of tea, but I've met Muslims I respect and if that's the right path for you go for it. Buddhism I find admirable. Wiccanism attracted me like a magnet because all it's beliefs aligned to mine, I especially loved the idea of a God AND Godess. I also thought it was a much less strict, basically if it won't hurt anybody, you could do it when in the Bible it is super strict but doesn't persecute things such as slavery and rape. I left Christianity because I did not feel welcome as a homosexual women and it's views stopped fitting me like they once did. I notice many catholics and christians are leaving the religion extremely fast. About 99% of the kids in catholic school are there because their parents make them and the priests are desperately trying to appeal. A majority of conversations about spirituality I have begin with the person saying,"growing up I was Christian but now..." It is pretty sweet to see Paganism and Wiccanism, religions that were feircly being pushed out bounce back. I think the internet is the cause. Now many Wiccans and Pagans could interact and reach out, and new converts can learn all about our God and Godess, beliefs, majick, etc while laying comfortably in their bed in pajamas eating snacks. I also feel that theres more tolerance (not for Islam, unfourtanetly), of course there is a long way to go. But I want other's opinions: what's your opinion on what is causing the rise of Islam, Buddhism, and Wiccanism/Paganism? Why do you think Christianity is suffering while the other 3 are gaining every day?
The Answer
Just a quick fact check: Christianity is still growing faster globally than Buddhism, Hinduism or Paganism. Although those numbers may be different in the particular country where you live, looking at the whole planet, it is Islam, followed by Christianity that continue to make the greatest gains.
In the US, Buddhism and Paganism are growing quickly, but globally, neither is growing much as a percentage of the human population despite the gains in places like the States. Some studies would even suggest Buddhism is headed into decline.
It's best, I think, when looking at religions, not to make the mistake of thinking what is happening in your community or your country is an example of what is happening on the whole planet. What is happening to religion in the US is nothing like what is happening in Africa or India, or even much like what is happening in Europe.
You are probably right that beliefs like Paganism are really benefited by the internet age, especially countries where literacy is high and internet access easy. The generally higher tolerance in these educated, wealthy countries for religious minorities also helps. Many forms of Paganism are much less prescribed and reflect a more individualist view of spirituality and faith, which is more in line with a modern understanding of belief and religion. I don't think strict is quite the right word, but because these religions rarely have one book of authority to be strict about! Without those central authorities, the rules and norms change with the age we live in and can reflect modern understandings of ethics and morality more easily than those religions which find authority is the writings of those who lived long ago.
It's worth remembering that ancient practitioners of Pagan religions included some pretty war-like groups, and groups that practiced slavery, or forced conversation on their opponents. Modern paganism is quite peaceful and usually very inclusive - and it deserves all the credit in the world for that - but the ancient world those faiths came out of was not peaceful. Pagan groups just didn't keep 'Bibles' condoning rape, war or slavery, but many Pagan groups, like the Celts and the Norse, and some North American Aboriginal groups did embrace exactly those sorts of things, and used their religion to justify those codes and laws. Those groups just didn't (or couldn't) write down those awful beliefs for people thousands of years later to insist on following. So those terrible ideas got rejected more easily by those who came next.
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