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Please Help! What shoud I do about my boyfriend?
Long story short, I've been dating a guy for two months. He puts on this persona like he's this really funny and awesome to be around guy. Everybody thinks he's a rising star and he's pretty much the "cool guy" on campus. He also pretends like he's very religious and sweet.
We're both 21 and live on campus at a University. I started dating him under the same pretense and for the first month things were great. Then he got very manipulative, dark, and controlling. He started telling me who I can and can't be friends with. He approached them and told them to stay away from me. He made me quit a club I was going to and also stop going to bible studies. Anytime I go out with my off campus friends he gets very angry with me and tells me my friends are losers and whores when he's never even met them. He's even waited in front of the dorm building for me to get back to see who I was with.
When we were on spring break and he had to go back home to another state he was constantly asking me who I was with and what I was doing. Even when I was with my mom he wanted me to constantly be answering him and got mad if I didn't do so promptly.
I also just got a new job and he's always heckling me to quit even though I need the money.
Another thing was when we first started dating he told me he wanted to wait until engagement to have sex. Then I found out he wasn't a virgin and then he started wanting sex from me. Now every time I'm with him he wants sexual favors and gets mad when I don't give in.
I've have a kidney infection for two days and I've been in a lot of pain from it. He knows this, but he refuses to believe it even though I'm on two prescriptions and he claims that the doctor is wrong. My doctor told me not to have sex until it goes away so I refused last night, and he started guilt tripping me and told me that our relationship isn't healthy when I refuse to have sex with him. I got upset of course and told him that it's my right to say no and then he replied with "You know I've ruined all of my ex girlfriends lives" and went into detail about it including a story about he convinced an ex's family that she commit suicide.
When things like this happen he always tries to smooth things over, by layering on compliments and telling me how much he cares about me. He's always asking me if I have faith in us and our relationship and telling me he does. If I try to tell him that I feel like his behavior is wrong he pretends to get really sad and says that I'm just misinterpreting his intentions and that he really cares about me and can see us together for the rest of our lives and then I get confused.
I'm so lost. I don't know what to do! I feel like I'm stuck and like hes blackmailing me into staying in the relationship. Nobody on campus would ever believe me if I reported him because he acts so nice and sweet to all of them. I don't want him to ruin my life and I know if I broke up with him he would. I'm scared that the only way for me to get away from him is to stick it out until summer vacation and then transfer colleges.
Please help!!! I don't know what to think or what to do!
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Get out now! Get a restraining order if you need to. You can start a report with campus police if you ever feel in danger. You've already seen him morph and not in a good way. It will only get worse. Dont fall for the charm or the pleading. The longer you wait to leave, the harder it will be. They prey on a certain type of woman. Be forceful about leaving and dont look back. You dont want this problem! Good luck!
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I don't know why you stayed in this relationship as long as you have. And I don't understand why it's even a thought of what you should. Why do you have faith in the relationship? what is there to have faith in? He mistreats you, he controls you, how are you happy in a relationship like that?
You need to get out of the relationship, you deserve way better than something like that. He doesn't deserve you. You can be friends with whoever you want to and you shouldn't have ego be worried about him not liking something you do, it's your life and he should respect that. There are so many other guys out there who will treat you way better than how he treats you
Respect yourself and get out of that relationship now
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I didn't have to read much further than the third paragraph to know what advice I was going to give you. The rest of you message confirmed I was right in what I thought.
GET OUT NOW BEFORE THIS GUY HURTS YOU ANY WORSE. He is a controller. This is a character flaw that no amount of psychological therapy will fix. TO change he first will need to want to change then work daily at changing. Most controllers will not do so.
What you have written is typical of a controller they do something to hurt you either mental abuse or physical abuse. Then they apologize, are all sweet and everything until they have you back in their control and it starts all over again.
Any women that stays with a man like this ends up being physically harmed and many end up in hospital and some in the morgue. Get out now while you can. You're worried about him ruining your life don't be go to the campus police and get an order of protection from them against him which will require him to stay away from you. You may have to go to the local District Court if so then do so.
He has sexually harassed you, mentally and physically abused you. Both of these are more than enough for a Judge to issue a restraining order so do so. IF he violates the order it is his life that gets ruined not yours.
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Well this is really sick and sorry you have to go through all this. This guy is really a total control freak. You need not fake this relationship any more. Its very abusive. Get out of it. This guy is total two face. When you break up with make sure you go with a friend or 2 in case things get ugly. And no matter what be firm on your decision. He may try to make you emotional, blackmail you but do not give in. Also after the break up,if he still pesters you, tell the cops about it,like a restraining order. In no way does he seem to 'care' about you. He is taking away all your freedom. I have been in such a relationship myself although it was not as horrendous as yours. Trust me, do not stick out coz it makes gettin out more tough. It ll be really emotionally draining for you. You deserve a lot better.If it helps,try informing your parents. They are gonna be there for you always.if not,a close friend or a sibling. And do not worry at all.you havent done anything wrong here, and trust me,ive been there in your position. Your life isnt gonna get ruined, its just gonna get better. I wish u good luck and happiness in life.Hope this helped. Take care
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What you need to realize, something I didnt at your age, is that no one can 'make' us or 'force' us to do something we don't want to do. We want something bad enough, and that would be, being in a relationship, dating someone and being their gf or a marriage partner and so we lie to ourselves that what they are doing to us isn't all that bad, we make compromises all the time to do their will and from the first time that we give in and do their will, the bad person see's that giving in as you having given control of your life over to them even if you don't see it that way. Unfortunately, people like him only prey on women that are weak, not strong willed with good self confidence. And sometimes they are fooled by a woman just 'appearing that way' even if she isn't so that when she does fight back after giving in just once, the battles of wills begin and since he's bigger and stronger, we fear for what might happen and so we tend to try to go along with him.
Of course, all of this is the wrong thing to do with a controlling person. It will not get any better. My ex was a controller. He was bad enough but doesnt sound quite as bad as this guy you've got. Who cares what anyone else thinks. They don't have to believe you but I'll bet all of his ex's would believe you cus they've lived it. My ex was same in that no one, not even church leaders saw him as anything but a good godly man...not so when alone with him though. A person like this will also try to whittle down your own self image and respect by telling others what a problem you are, making up lies and pointing the finger at you and belittling you in public, all very terrible things but it is a self defense mechanism of the mentally ill and controlling people who deep down inside know they aren't quite as normal as others but too afraid to discover whats up with them so they don't go to see a Dr. And being able to function well enough to pass dectection in society they are never caught or exposed. But if they subconsciously feel someone is close to discovering or getting too curious in a dectective type way about them, they begin to look for a scapegoat and will point fingers at you, make it so believeable that everyone thinks you are the one with major issues and problems instead. I was a fool and stayed 30 yrs raising 3 daughters. Now divorced, I have to live with seeing the results in my daughters of what growing up with him as the male figure, father in their life has done to them. One daughter has mental illness but like him wont accept help and has rejected family and extended family. Middle daughter is gun shy of relationships and although she does get into them, only with weak milktoast type guys who wouldn't hurt a flea but then she gets bored with them and leaves or they decide they don't like her running the show and the last is acting as caregiver to a guy who is really messed up in the head mentally and I am not sure what all his issues are and he has an anger problem and has been violent at times so I fear for her safety. People like your guy will keep spreading their poison on. Even tho it didn't affect me mentally, it did physically cus stress has to go somewhere. I am happily remarried and still could kick myself for staying with him as long as I did but my reasons seemed sound to me at the time, one being church doctrine to trust God to heal my marriage.
If it any time you fear for your well being, feel threatened, even tho he hasn't spoken words like "I will kill you", there are things that will qualify like forcing you to have sex when a Dr. has said you need bed rest. I know a woman with a similar situation, husband forcing her when she needed time to heal and the law was on her side and now she's working on the divorce process. Since you are in school, go see a school counselor and tell them everything you told me. Ask her to point you in the right direction to get help. You need to stop seeing him but he will likely say all sorts of bad things and try to ruin your life. However if there are reports filed with psychologists for yourself first and your reports to the police, even tho they can't do anything with him yet, the paper trail will be your defense when he becomes vindictive. There needs to be a paper trail already now, before you transfer schools because there's always the chance he may try to hunt you down and actually find you. Imagine how bad it looks for him to have you reporting him to police in another town for stalking you, bullying, harassing, and or threatening and they hear that police in your last town have the same kind of paperwork on him. He will likely be questioned and they'll be keeping their eyes on him. Doing nothing because you are afraid is actually the worst thing you could do. Get started talking to a counselor and find out what suggestions she has, talk to the police and ask them as an ahead of time thing, as to what you can do right now to protect yourself from him and get him out of your life and follow their suggestions and give them any reports of where he has threatened or forced you to do something you didnt want. And once you know what to do and have it all in place, tell him you are no longer interested in dating him and ask him to please leave you alone. Don't show fear, don't accuse him, don't say why you're leaving him. ..because there's likely a trigger finger anger that could jump to life if he felt you thought anything bad about him. Say nothing to rile him, just use the age old best excuse, that after a couple months of time invested, you still feel that there isn't enough chemistry. Hopefully he will give up. If he doesnt, the police already have your report, let them know he's stalking you still. And keep seeing a counselor for a while because I know when I was confused and stressed I couldn't always think straight either and even tho I have no mental illness, I did benefit from counselors. I saw one first and it helped a little but she and I weren't the best personality match for Dr/patient so I had another one later who was the greatest help, I just kept looking and trying til I found the counselor who could help me who was actually retired but doing more of the life coaching stuff in retirement yet he helped me the most. I will be praying for you dear. good luck.
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You do need to end this fake relationship. It's only abuse now, and you have to save yourself. Waiting it out is truly dangerous at this point.
You should also find out what sort of support your school has as far as counsellors or mental health support, and go to them for help. You need to ask them about support you can expect from security, if he starts showing up and following you on campus again. You should tell your employer that you have an ex who has said he will try to hurt you, and to please be on guard and not share your information or schedule with anyone who comes around asking. You also should try and tell your family, and close friends what is happening.
You should not be ashamed. You need support. You should demand that support. You are being abused. You haven't done anything wrong. You are being abused. There are people who should believe you—and maybe some of them wont—but there are also people who will. Start looking for those allies in your program and in your school. If you live in residence, that is a great place to start. Those people are usually a bit more aware of these issues than others.
Please. Please. Please. Be brave and ask for help. I can't guarantee you that everyone will believe you, trust you and respect you, but there are people who will, and you need it and deserve it.
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