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Should I stay or leave?
About 4 months ago I was 13 wks pregnant and had an unexpected miscarriage. It was days after finding my best friend since 6th grade and my childs father naked in our bed together when I came home (they swore nothing happened--that they were just really drunk and . So, I blamed the miscarriage on him. He thought that I had gotten an abortion or done something to hurt the baby (never would I have done that). Well... Long story short, my child's father & I split up and I slept with my ex 2 times. When I came back to him I told him what I had done. Well, he told me in order for him to forgive me that I had to quit my job, pack up and move to sc with him for a job offering that he had gotten... & I needed to get pregnant again. So, I did it. Well, after I got pregnant he finally told me that he had slept with my best friend. We were so close. My kids called her aunt & I was her sons godmother. We have always been so close. I even used to tell her that she is the only person in the world I would ever trust to lay naked next to my husband. We were inseparable. I'm not sure why she did what she did to me. But it hurts. I feel so betrayed by both of them. On top of it, my child's father told me that I need to come clean with whatever else I am hiding because he "KNOWS there is more"... Well, there is absolutely nothing more that I am hiding from him. No secrets. I wish there was a way to prove that to him, but I can't. Other than to continues flu tell him that I am telling the truth. I have told him absolutely everything! I have no secrets anymore and I should feel great about it. But, he is making me feel terrible... Like I am lying to him and still hiding stuff from him. He says I just need to come clean for closure or we will never move on from this and we will never be happy again. It is making me resent him as the days go by. I hate the fact that I have told him every little secret and he still doesn't believe me. I hate that he will never find closure because he has his mind set that I am still hiding stuff. I think if I stay, he will eventually cheat again because he thinks I am still hiding stuff from him. I can't deal with it again. But I also do not want to miss out on the amazing life we could have together if he would just let me prove to him that there are no secrets. We have potential to be great. A happy loving godly family who should and would be forgiven for the sins they have confessed. I don't know whether to stay or walk away. Please help!
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I am so sorry you are going through this.
Unfortunately I don't feel you will have the life you want with this man because it sounds like he is taking advantage of you.
You telling him you slept with someone else is just what he needed to "not trust" you anymore.
People have secrets and yes it is possible he feels you have more but if you tell him you don't he should believe you. If he does not trust you how can this relationship grow?
He also slept with your best friend. Cheating is cheating but when it's with someone that close to you that's pretty low. There are so many women why choose your best friend? It seems like he wanted to hurt you not only because he did this but because he told you! You asked but he only decided to tell you after you got pregnant again. Doesn't that make you feel like you are stuck? It seems like he knows how to manipulate you in my opinion.
But let's say that I am wrong....
1. He does not trust you
not many places your relationship can go from here and like you said to mask his pain it's quite possible he will cheat again.
2. He slept with your friend.
so not only did he betray you he basically help ruin a friendship.
and he tells you after he suggests getting pregnant again.
3. you worry he will cheat again
since he feels you aren't being honest
All of these things in my opinion are not easy things to get over.
If you feel that you can forgive him for all of this and get past the fact that he does not trust you than continue giving it a shot.
If not then you know your answer. No need to rush into this answer let it settle a little but not too long you deserve to be happy and with someone who loves you.
Good luck! xx
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So from what I hear. He cheated on you. and some how it's your fault that he is not happy. Granted you did sleep with your ex soon after. But you were not together then. How are you to 'prove' to him that you don't have anything to hide?
No matter what you say, he will always beleive you have more skeletons in your closet because he has more skeletons in his closet.
This man is being an emotionally abusive person. He is belittling you into being unhappy saying you have to tell him the truth or else you can't move on.. Well in my opinion since you are having his baby. that's moving on.
If he can not treat you with the respect that you deserve, and forget the past. Then he is not worth your time.
I would walk away. not only for you,. but for the sake of your baby. It will be better for the both of you.
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I agree to a certain extent with Razhie. Before you quit this marriage I would like to see you both try some Marriage counseling. I believe with a good marriage counselor the fact that his closure is making you the bad guy can be drawn out a dealt with in a responsible manner.
A good marriage counselor will work with you together and separately so you can both have a safe environment o get anything off your chest that will never reach the other yet help you deal with whatever that may be so it is not a roadblock in your marriage.
If you or your husband has health insurance through an employer then most likely you also have an EAP program. EAP stands for Employee Assistance Program. This is a great benefit program as you can turn to it for help with a variety of problems. Get the number to call and ask for a referral to a marriage counselor. Most programs will pay for the first few visits after that your health insurance may step in and help.
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You should probably leave.
This man has so little trust and respect for you, that he disbelieved you about a miscarriage. That's the first, huge red-flag. Now, he's trying to desperately to invent a way in which you were 'just as bad as him' even though all you did happened during the break-up.
He needs you to be the bad guy. He needs you to be the one who has to 'make it up to him'. You already saw this before, when you had done nothing wrong, and he insisted you move and get pregnant to appease him. That means he is unwilling to accept what he actually did. It's likely that he doesn't want 'closure'. He doesn't want to forgive. He wants to win. And for him to win, you must lose.
Stop fighting with a man who only wants to win. No amount of relationship potential will make up for a guy who sees you as his opponent, not his team mate.
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Your womens intuition is working really well dear. You may not understand why you feel this way but you need to learn to trust it even if you don't understand. I'll explain using your words and give my impression of what I see going on.
"I hate that he will never find closure because he has his mind set that I am still hiding stuff. I think if I stay, he will eventually cheat again because he thinks I am still hiding stuff from him.
My first husband, the guy I married at 20, ended up having mental illness. There are certain behaviors that were subtly there when I met him but I didn't know to take them as a warning to not associate with him. He wasn't as bad in the beginning, bad enough tho and he got worse as he got older and never got diagnosed with mental illness. Many mentally ill people manage to hide their mental illness and function fairly well in society. However something about his behavior after 7 yrs in began to irritate employers and he kept losing jobs for what seems like normal reasons, downsizing co. last hired, first out. This is nothing compared to how he treated me emotionally and verbally. So I will make the comparisons here, for what its worth, I may be wrong about one issue but there are too many about your guy.
HIS MIND IS SET: This could mean that he is a person who feels he is always right even when he is wrong. Or he may know that he isn't quite normal and it scares him so in order to not allow others to get close enough to him to really begin to look at him under a microscope to see all his flaws and possibly unearth this very thing he is afraid of, he will point the finger at others, creating a problem or situation in his mind and not just tell you, but eventually he'll be telling plenty of others, even in front of you, that you are the problem. This is a self defense mechanism, of trying to get other peoples focus off him to placing their focus on you. And usually this thing a person is afraid of discovering, same reason people with a heart condition don't go to a doctor even tho they know something is wrong with them, they are afraid of having their fears confirmed, that they have an issue that requires medical intervention.
HIS MIND SET THAT I AM HIDING STUFF: Well it should be obvious, there is a lack of trust. Funny thing about Trust and Love, those are things that can't be proven by words, by sharing stories, or coming clean if there really was anything to admit in the first place. He only knows how to make himself sound convincing as if he is a very knowledgable person and knows what he is talking about, as if he has credibility, another thing people do to cover up whatever it is that lays hidden in them that they are afraid of having confirmed to themselves and others.
Trust for example is gained by being around a person often enough to see, witness, experience that person's consistancy of being exactly who they say they are or are insinuating they are. I am now remarried, and the 2nd husband wasn't going to be a mistake for me as the first, and I knew now what warning signs to look for. I spent every day either talking on phone or in person hanging out with him, not doing the regular dates to dinner or movies but just being together to get a feel of who he represented himself to be and see if he consistantly acted that way and treated me that way without once changing or even twice changing or slipping up. Example...He would never tear me down with words,or ever raise his voice to me. thats who he is as a male, and so he said in his first contact also via dating site. I was with him at times that something didn't go right with his day, or when he was sick, and not feeling well, or stressed out, etc...the usual times one of us in frustration and a need to calm down need to release pressure...which was always released by using me with the ex. My new husband has never done that in 7 years. Have I witnessed him getting irritated or stressed? Oh yes...plenty of times as he is a highly functioning Autistic but it fluctuates, the times when he can't handle too much input or things that go wrong and he will calmly let me know that he is stressed right now and to please give him his space until he has calmed down. He has never directed his frustration at me, blamed me,or belittled me. He might go to a whiny voice only when over stressed but even then talks endearingly to me, "Sweetheart, I just can't handle this right now cus I am stressed. I love you but I can't really be there for you to really listen to your story right now. Could this wait? " See, there is a difference, he has proven to me over time that I can trust him in so many different ways and areas of relationship and how he is treating me, by his actions, not words is the real proof of how he loves me. Love like trust can be spoken I love you or I trust you but without the actual proof of a persons actions and how they treat you, the words are empty, hollow and mean nothing.
Lets go back to the beginning where you said
"... Finding my best friend since 6th grade and my childs father naked in our bed together."
So the excuse was that they were drunk? Heres 2 ways to look at it. ONe: They were lying and having an affair. Two: Told the truth but there is still the issue of being the kind of person who would put themselves in the position of not being in control of themselves mentally speaking, not able to make good decisions. And alcohol will lower inhibitions and bring out that in you which lays buried and hidden when you are sober. You've heard of the funny and silly harmless drunks and the mean nasty, scary, threatening ones. Well, when his inhibitions were down due to alcohol, the real him, who he is at core, his core values and morals and beliefs, etc. came to the surface and he put himself in a very compromising situation, perhaps even hoping something would happen even if it didn't (altho to tell the truth, I don't beleive that unless the alcohol caused him to not be able to get it up, there's plenty else they could have done together).So when drunk, he flirted with danger, by being a bit too friendly with your best friend, going over the lines. Unless all of you are nudists and its normal for you to be found nude together in all sorts of situations, I'd say, this really isn't one of them.
I BLAMED THE MISCARRIAGE ON HIM: I don't know if you were just thinking this or actually said it to him but if speaking the words of blame, heres what you need to know. When there is blame to owned, most adults do not like being told they have done wrong, made a mistake or are the blame for an event. We all get our dander up and will resist instantly what ever the other is saying. If you spoke out, it might be better to learn to use tact in what you want to accomplish and getting a clear picture in your mind of what you actually want to accomplish. Blaming didn't bring back the child. Did you believe that blaming would prevent this from happening again, even if the blame was only in your mind? Heres what I see. Stress is the cause of most all problems within a person whether the stress affects you on an emotional level, a physical level or both. My exs treatment of me caused stress on a physical level, migraines, total body itchy stress rashes, and stomach ulcers to name a few. Cancer and Heart attack are also caused by stress in many cases, not all tho.
Don't worry hon,when I was in my bad marriage, in the beginning when I was young, I made the mistakes of blaming or trying to defend myself when verbally attacked. After some time, I realized that even if I used tact, didn't blame him back and only tried to use logic to get through to him, it didn't work. I know now what I didn't then, logic will work on a person with a normal mind but not on many mental ill people. I confirmed that later in life as a caregiver for mentally ill people, two different clients and tho I tried, logic didn't work on them either.So he wasn't directly the cause, just indirectly and it was the stress that may have caused the natural aborting of the child but then again, it may not have been and just been a coincidence occuring at the same time. Drs dont really have a way of knowing the reasons why or causes to a natural aborting of a fetus. They can only guess. But his deciding that you had gotten an abortion is another example of how he really doesnt know you or trust you. Not a good choice in a mate.
"my child's father & I split up and I slept with my ex 2 times." Splitting up was the smartest thing you could have done. It was for me too. But I found that I was tested after that by meeting two other men thru dating site who seemed promising and hid their real selves successfully only until the third date for one and about 4 months for the other. Once I saw the signs, would I cave in and stay, believin I couldnt find anything better, or that it was my fate in life to have to put up with the duds, or what it some kind of karma? All I knew was that I'd rather be alone than go through that circus again. I don't know why you went back to an ex. Maybe, you just needed to feel validation from a male source that you are not only a wonderful woman but a desirable female. However if he's an ex, depending on the issues there, that probably wasnt the best choice. However, when you split up with the babys dad, there was no longer a promise or commitment to him, it was canceled so in truth you were free to be with anyone you wanted to and were not in the wrong, even if lets say you split over silly issues, nothing important and it was a good guy and you went back to him and you both are getting counseling for the relationship. That's just a what if to explain what I am saying and it is not your circumstance, not even remotely. It doesnt matter who initiated the break up, ending a relationship is final to whatever promise and vows there were. So you had nothing to be forgiven by the first guy for. For him to tell you that he wouldn't forgive you unless you jumped through his hoops was simply his controlling your mind. He talks about forgiveness, making you instantly feel guilty, even though you on your own shared with him what happened in your life while you were away. You didn't owe him that as a way to get back together. Then he gives you a list of requirements you must meet for him to accept you back??? I can't see why you fell for it. Perhaps he has some way or psychically persuading you or even others. There is such a gifting but if in the hands of a corrupt person or the mentally ill, it's always going to affect those in his life in bad, terrible ways, being controlling rather than living your own life. No one can control you dear unless you give that person the control. Yes, I did that too with my ex but it didnt feel like it and thats why it happens so often. Lets put it this way. Lets say you left a job where the boss was sexually harassing you. You went back to an old job but quit after a short time, and instead of looking for a new job elsewhere, you went back to the old boss maybe hoping things could be better this time and told him you went back to a competitor in the field of what his company does. He says that he will not take you back, that he can't trust you unless you agree to do the following things. this part is the verbal negotiation of his telling you what you need to do to be in his life and you agreeing to it. LEts say one of the things on the list, is that you have a sexual affair with him and have his baby, even though you aren't sure he isn't still having an affair with one of the gals at work that everyone suspected was in his bed by the very incriminating circumstances and events they saw. So would you really decide to take that old job back and jump through all the hoops the Old boss gives you, including giving him sex and a baby? If so, then hon, I can't help you right now because you need to have an entirely different set of self esteem and gain the self confidence you lack in yourself as a female and how you have a right to have your own demands, your own borders and a right to be with a good man.
So the reason you feel so terrible is because this is all you are being bombarded with and without at least twice a much good compliments from others to offset the bad, you are going to wallow in the bad and continue to go downhill. A controller will never go after a female to be in relationship with who is a wise and self confident woman because she frankly would never put up with this shit and its too much hard work and trouble for him to get her to bend to his will. He subtly tries to break a woman down, humiliate her, belittle, hurt her and then take away all the people or places of any kind of security she might have like family, friends, job, etc. which he has done. Oh boy, he sounds like the classic manipulator if not having the mental illness of being a controller.
So when you say: I think if I stay, he will eventually cheat again because he thinks I am still hiding stuff from him", that once again is your womans intuition telling you that he is not good news and to get away now.
Then you say: I also do not want to miss out on the amazing life we could have together if he would just let me prove to him that there are no secrets.
Hon, do you see in this sentence where he has already twisted your mind into producing distorted thoughts by how he's treating you and what he demands? You just said IF HE WOULD LET ME PROVE TO HIM THAT THERE ARE NO SECRETS, when I've already told you that there's no way to prove trust. He is demanding something of you that you can not give him and even if you were consistant, he is not a person with a normal mind to be able to pick up on it over time to realize that you are indeed trustworthy. If I asked you to walk on water, could you do it? Just because I asked and I insisted that you do so to prove something to me? No you couldn't because its not possible and you'd be tormenting yourself over wishing you were able to do so. Honey, its absolutely nuts.
If you want a happy loving Godly family, you have to find another guy cus you aint gonna have it with him.
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