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Drunk texts
I'm a 20 year old female. My boyfriend got super drunk last night and texted me saying his ex has a nicer butt and prettier face. I broke up with him because I feel like drunk words are sober thoughts. He's begging for me back now and saying he'll never forgive himself even told me he loves me. We've been seeing each other for 5 months. Should I forgive him or should I let him go right now that I'm still early in the relationship?
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I know as adviceman that when drunk, peoples inhibitions are lowered. As said, things they wouldn't do or say while sober, they suddenly find easy to say or do.
The real question to ask yourself is if this is a one time behavior or one of many such related events that are giving you a glimpse of who he is at core inside himself. These would be the things that make up his personality and character. My guess is he's somewhere close to your age so he may simply be very very inexperienced in common sense and how to interact with a girlfriend...you know...the do's and dont's.
So has he been unthoughtful in other ways, does he often stick his foot in his mouth and say the kind of things that tear you down rather than support and build you up. He may try to hide his true self but a glimpse of what he is really thinking, making comparisons while drunk, is very likely the way he tends to think most the time, but is sober enough to know to not share. As stated already, if he drinks to get drunk often, there may be a problem already, alcoholic or there will be problems in the near future if he doesnt get help soon. Being partnered up with someone who is taking their own life down the tubes will inadvertantly start taking yours down a road you don't want to go either. You know him best. If not sure, start watching to see how often he places himself in a situation of being so drunk he doesnt know what he's doing. It can hurt a relationship, can hurt his ability to hold a job, etc.. so think twice about staying if alcoholism is the issue.
Now as to the actual words said, I have an opinion on that too. I will use my 2nd husband as an example here. When we met, my husband told me even when he was a kid still, he dreamed of meeting and marrying a woman with my body type. He didn't have a clear image in mind of face but it wasnt a one time statement and told when sober as he never gets drunk. He doesnt wait for me to ask him how I look but compliments me all the time, saying how he likes how my butt looks in a certain pair of pants or my chest in a certain top. I get the compliments with the clothes off too. To be realistic, we've also had conversations about people we both dated in the past. He has never said anything about a previous girlfriend being nicer or prettier. I have never done than either in comparisons. All we have shared is what the case truly is, that they were different, smaller or larger breasted, a flatter, broader or more heart shaped butt. Since I have the flatter shape and according to him and my own observations, when he says a previous girlfriend had a heart shaped butt but says nothing else...I might start thinking, oh he likes that better, I have the wrong shape. But what he will add is, the other shapes are personal favorites for some guys but I actually like the flatter look better especially in the right jeans cus you don't end up looking like you have a 'bubble butt'. I had to laugh at that...well I know I dont have a bubble butt and that his personal preference is mine type.
The example here is that it is okay that exs looked different. Some guys don't have a preference on the size of boobs or butt or what the face exactly looks like, they are more interested in who the person is inside. Its not about one looking prettier or better than another, so he made a bad choice of words which could be due to being drunk, but he was making comparisons. Instead, it would have been better for him to be reinforcing in you what it is he likes a bout you all along while sober as my husband does. then it would be easier to toss away and not pay mind to what he said while drunk.
It was thoughtless for sure. Making better or worse comparisons are not a wise way to go in relationships. People are going to be different and everyone is going to have different tastes in what appeals to them visually. But some of us have a mate who has changed over the years as we age, so they don't look like they did while young. If this guy is the kind who is superficial enough to only look skin deep when choosing a gal for a relationship, then it is also likely he can easily choose to leave you for a younger gal when you get older, after you have kids, or just because another pair of pretty eyes caught his attention and he becomes unfaithful. So you need to discover how he feels about women in general.
A good way is to engage him in conversation some day when he's feeling good and relaxed and just start asking questions, but do not be in a jealous or defensive mood at the time or he will subconsciously pick up on it and clam up. Make it fun. While at the mall, 'lets play a game. I'll point at a woman and you tell me if you think shes attractive and why. Then you do the same for me." If its one sided, he'll suspect you're up to something. Actually I know lots of very happily married secure couples who play this game or a version of it. They are secure knowing each loves the other exactly as they are and are not yearning for anything more. In 5 months, if you two do not talk about lots of deep heavy subjects like this often enough, its hard to get to know each other. Just knowing his current favorite rock band and favorite foods is not going to do it. Going to movies and never talking doesnt help. Have the kind of dates where you can really talk. If he is unwilling to talk and share enough for you to get a better feel of him, then even in many years or marriage, it will still be the same, 2nd guessing each other as he isn't willing to open up. So either take some time to get to know him better, really take lots of time in the next couple months and if you still feel wary about him, leave. You need to feel total trust, being able to bare your heart to him, like even sharing the things you shared here, not blaming him or anything but letting him know how it made you feel. If you can't, he wont have opportunity to know he needs to correct his behavior, wont have opportunity to apologize for unintentionally hurting you, and wont have the chance to learn to do better next time. If you don't have trust in him now, you'll never feel secure in the relationship and that will make dating him any longer useless. We date to discover the things that pull us even closer together or the things about someone that we just can't put up with every day becuase they are harmful or hurtful to us in some way. Once discovered, then those bad things are the signal that its time to part and start all over, this time looking for someone better, who doesnt have the same bad trait as the last one.
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This one is completely up to you.
You know this guy better than we do. If he usually says stupid things when he drinks, you might be better off or else he might do things like this more often. But if this is a rare thing, maybe you should forgive him.
But like I said, completely up to you. Also depending on whether you'd be able to move past it.
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It's really up to you.
Five months isn't that long, but it should be long enough for you to have an idea if this a guy who made a single really stupid mistake, or a guy who thinks lots of stupid things and just got caught saying some of those things aloud.
Personally, I don't like to say that 'drunk words are sober thoughts'. We all have thousands of thought pass through our minds that we know are stupid, petty or wrong. Those thoughts don't define us. What we choose to say and do defines us. Certainly, those thoughts passed through his mind—and of course that is hurtful—but it doesn't mean they are his true feelings 100% of the time.
Trust your gut. If you believe better of him then this, and want to forgive him, go for it. If you are feeling more 'meh' about him now, and are completely comfortable letting him go, then don't allow his over the top behaviour now to wear you down.
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Whether to forgive and forget is something only you can decide to do. As to your thoughts on drunk thoughts being sober thoughts that are not said. The bad news is you are correct.
Alcohol breaks down one inhabitations. When drunk people are more likely to say or do things they would never say or do while sober. Now this does not mean he meant those words. Think back over the last few weeks. Did anything happen where you may have said something to hurt him. Remember I said people do things when drunk they would not do sober. If you did something to hurt him he might not have said anything while sober but being drunk he said something to hurt you back. If that is possible or even close to something that may have happened. Then think before throwing a good man away.
Another thing to think about is how often he gets drunk, If he gets drunk often then he is probably a problem drinker and that presents a whole other set of problems. If you were to take him back I would suggest it be on condition he gets help for his drinking.
Don't expect him to agree he is a problem drinker; most drunks will not ask for help until they hit bottom. Ask and aa member and they will tell you everyone's bottom is different and your boyfriend will have to find his. You can only hope that the possibility of loosing you will be his bottom.
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