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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I was raised baptist. Going to church every Sunday. I don't know if this has anything to do with it but I figured I would say it. I have come to the conclusion that I'm afraid of sex. I'm 24, still a virgin and have fooled around with guys with no problems except when it comes time to have sex. Its like I freeze and then change my mind about going through with it. Which makes me come off as a tease. Please help me find a way to get past this!
The Answer
You should talk to a therapist.
If you genuinely want to have sexual encounters, but are having too much anxiety to actually go through with it, that's the kind of thing we can't really unpack for you.
Maybe it's your religious background haunting you. Maybe it's anxiety rooted in another thoughts like performance fears, or other intimacy fears.
But no one here is going to be able to unpack that for you or give up a magic trick to change it. Doing some serious work with a pro is probably the best approach to solving the problem you are facing.
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The Question
First of all, thanks for taking the time to read through this. I'll just get straight to the point. I'm a 24 (almost 25) year-old guy, and I have a roommate who's 19. We met at work, and are great friends. When I met his family, I felt a pretty strong emotional pull towards his sister. After a while, I realized I was pretty strongly attracted to her, and so far it seems like the feeling is mutual, though I've not actually asked her about it yet.
Without going through too much backstory, I found out during that time of growing attraction that she's actually sixteen, rather than the 17, close to 18 that I thought. Now, I'm really wanting to do the right thing here, not to mention without landing myself in jail, but my problem is that I've always fallen hard and fast when it comes to matters of the heart, and I'm in a bit of a pickle... I've talked to my roommate, and he's alright with the idea, but I really need some advice as to how to approach this. My gut says to tell her, and stay friends for the next year and a half, but I could really use your advice on this. Also there's the little question of talking to her mom about it...
P.S. In case it's relevant, I live in Arizona.
The Answer
The age of consent in Arizona is 18.
There are no 'close in age exceptions' in the law, although a 'close in age' argument can be made as a defence, it cuts off when the older individual is more than 24 months older than the younger one.
The 8 or 9 years between you two is not considered 'close in age'.
Which means, for roughly the next two years of her life, having anything more than a friendship with her could land you in handcuffs, then in front of a judge, and finally sent to prison with an arrest record for a sex crime for years afterwards.
Her mother's consent is irrelevant. If fact, if her mother is aware of a sexual relationship between you and her daughter, she could also be found to have committed a crime as well.
Do you really think you two can be 'just friends' for two years with you carrying this kind of torch AND her knowing about it? With all respect, I seriously doubt that was really your goal, and I doubt even more that either of you could manage that.
And here is the deeper truth of the situation.
A sixteen year old is a poor romantic match for you. As lovely and mature as she may be, she is not your peer or your equal in society - not under the law and not in our culture and not in her own mind or yours. If you are a healthy, sensible 25 year old, you will have different expectations and needs from a relationship that a 16 year old will. Both of your needs are valid, but you aren't able to met one another's.
This cannot be a relationship between equals, because you would be trying to communicate across a giant gulf of life experience and power over your own lives (ie, you have lots of power over your life, and she has very little over hers).
Don't tell her.
It's not worth the risk, to either of you.
It's not fair to her, to put in her in a position she is poorly equipped to make sense of legally or emotionally, and to burden her with your feelings for the next two years of her life when she should feel free and guiltless learning about romance and relationships with people who are her peers.
It's also not fair to yourself to turn an infatuation, however deep, into a defining part of your life for years.
Take a deep breath, and get some space away from her. "I've always fallen hard and fast" is a choice, not an justification for a bad idea. Changes your choices now, don't wait until someone is hurting, or worse.
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The Question
I am 26, his 41 things have only just started. He is married with 3 kids but things have been over for awhile it is all for the kids. He is very sincere and genuine and I do trust him and I know he won't purposely hurt me. He is very affectionate and I guess he is going to want to take it to the next level some stage. I am a virgin and keeping feeling like I might be like a hermit or frigid or something like that. I just really don't no what to think I don't want this to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me. Just some advice would really be appreciated. Also any questions you have I will answer.
The Answer
You are not frigid to have concerns and misgivings about more intimacy with this man.
He's significantly older than you, in a totally different stage of his life.
He is married, with children, and you don't actually say that he is separated, or living apart from his wife, which makes me suspect he is still living his life as a married man.
You also don't mention if your relationship is public, or if his wife actually knows he is dating.
If you are in a relationship with a man who is still married to his wife, (that he probably hasn't told anyone about) that's not really a relationship. No matter how affectionate or kind he seems to be, that is just an affair, and he is not committed to you and he is not respecting your needs or dignity.
Be very, very careful. Older men are not necessarily more intelligent or mature than younger men, but they are always more experienced - and that experience can include manipulation and deception.
Keep your eyes and ears open, and don't rush into anything with him. Better things will happen to you than a married 40 year old. I promise.
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The Question
There is at gay guy at my college who is amazing. He is nice, cool, sassy, athletic and awesome. I am a girl and I live with him at the dorms. Unfortunately, I have fallen in love with him. I don't why I fell in love with him, but I did. But things got worst. I gave him a present for Christmas and in exchange he gave me my first kiss. I was happy, but sad at the same time. I am not sure how to approach him anymore. I am so confused. I want to get over him, but I'm sure how. I don't even know if he likes me that way.
The Answer
If he has told you he is gay, then you need you respect that.
Part of respecting him is assuming he is NOT interested in you as anything but a friend. If he has been clear with that he is gay, it's quite rude to assume he would be interested in a girl.
If this is something you want to talk to him about, I think you really should, but you need to do that with respect for him and what he has told you about himself.
It's okay to feel awkward and not know how to behave. This IS awkward. Getting over him will happen, probably quicker than you think, because as intense as what you may feel for him is, it will never be as real and intense as it will be with someone who actually has a romantic attraction to you as well.
It you want to talk to him about this, then do. But if you just want to get over him, then take some time and space and focus on other friendships.
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The Question
im getting sick and tired of mom always trying to put me in a suit and tie or tuxedo whatever they call it i mean maybe on occasions i can where but i just dont want her taking pictures of me in it fitting in is not or will it ever be my thing sticking out is better after all im nobody but me so how could i get her to stop that i dont want to wear a tuxedo especially if its about fitting in .
The Answer
If an event calls for a tuxedo, you should wear a tuxedo.
That's not about 'fitting in'. That is about showing respect by honouring the expectations of your host and the nature of the event your are attending.
It's totally fair to not want photos taken, especially during fittings, and you should tell your mother to stop that.
If you don't want to attend an event, you should be able to talk about that with your mother as well.
But sometimes being part of a family means having certain obligations, and dressing appropriately and respectfully. Refusing to wear a tux ever is not reasonable.
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The Question
how come when u drink soda too fast it burns ur throat
The Answer
Well, it is acidic.
A by product of making drinking 'fizzy' is carbonic acid, which is a rather weak acid, but it's enough to cause a burning sensation for some people, especially if you aren't a regular soda drinker, or if you drink it immediately after opening it.
Just slow down. Most people can enjoy it if you they don't chug it.
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The Question
Hello everyone! So i have a slight acne issue, nothing horrible.. just zits here and there, and they make me feel really insecure. So i went to a skin doctor, and he put me on these pills and told me to stay on them for a few months, about 6 months Ive been on them for like 3 -4 so far and its been really good for my skin so far but i noticed that my hair and eyebrows got a bit thicker and my hair doesnt get oily anymore..or not as much atleast(im not complaining, im actually happy about this) do you think this is hormonal or is it because of the pills? Im confused because i think it has something to do with the pills but im not sure it has that effect, ALSO, whenever i eat chocolate my acne gets worse and when i stop it immediatly gets better, is chocolate bad for your skin?
The Answer
These are definitely the kinds of questions to ask your skin doctor. He's the pro.
Without knowing anything about the medication you are on, it would make sense that it might effect the oils on your scalp, though it seems unlikely that it would change the thickness of your hair.
There is no proven connection between chocolate and acne. None. It's a total myth. You are probably just seeing a connection because you were told the myth at some point.
Overindulging in junk foods can contribute to acne, but that's not the same as having a bit of chocolate now and then. If you think chocolate is contributing to your skin troubles - it's more likely the milk and sugar fault than the chocolate's - and you could try eating just dark chocolate instead.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/05/does-chocolate-cause-acne_n_1566076.html
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The Question
it's like taking a bath with a bunch of people you don't know. Disgusting. If you want to relax in some water why not fill up one of those small tubs in your backyard
not to mention you have to wear a pretty embarassing outfit in front of everyone. Doing the swimming unit in school and both boys and girls are there. Though at least those are your peers
The Answer
Yeah, I'm with you. Swimming. Immersing yourself in whoknowswhat, all with the risk of being cut off from oxygen, the single thing we most need to go on living. I've never understood the appeal.
I also don't get skating. The idea of strapping knives to your feet and going as quickly as possible on ice. What suicidal maniac thought that one up?
I also don't get the appeal of the TV show Lost or Doctor Who, or cheap beer, or having cat as house pets. I think all of these things are kind of stupid.
But I don't get my panties in a knot about them, and neither should you.
Don't swim, if you don't want too.
It's an easy solution to your problem.
You may never understand why other people enjoy something else, and you don't need to understand. Just respect it, and don't waste your time slagging it.
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The Question
There's an acquaintance of mine who has a fucking obsession with taking people's crushes/boyfriends/any boy that another girl is even just talking to away from them. For example, she would notice that I'm talking to a guy that I have even a casual crush on and then pounce on him right when she has the chance! And I'm getting sick of it! It's like an obsession with proving to the whole world that she could get any and every guy she wants. I think I should confront her with this for the 20th time, but I know this hasn't been effective, so I would like some ideas please? I just want her to stop.
The Answer
No one can be 'taken' without their consent.
Unless she is kidnapping people, then there is nothing much you can do. She may be a bitch, but boys have free will and can freely choose her company, or someone else's. If she in fact is doing this to prove something, then confronting her about it is the surest way to encourage her-as far as she is concerned you bringing it up is just letting her know she's winning.
So ignore her. You can mention to guys that she tries to get every guys attention, but in the end, you'll have to trust a smart guy to see through her attempts, and not hold it against guys who don't know her if they don't recognize her attention seeking behaviour right away.
There are jerks in the world. People who like to be jerks aren't usually put off it by confronting them.
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The Question
This is kinda weird but am I the only one to notice this? It seems like some people have specific natural scents. I've only noticed it in my girlfriend and my cousin. As long as I could remember, my cousin has had a specific scent that I can recognize. I can pick up a bracelet, and by the smell of it, I can tell it's his. (This actually happened) Regardless of soap, cologne, laundry soap. I've asked him about it. He said that only one other person had noticed it. The same thing with my girlfriend. Regardless of her body wash or axe spray that she loves, she ALWAYS has a specific distinctive scent that I notice. Especially when I let her wear a jacket or she comes to my house. I can tell she was wearing the jacket, and Ii could tell she was sitting on my bed. These are the only people I've noticed it in as well as myself. I could dip my hands in alcohol and scrub them. Let them dry off and they will have a specific scent. Luckily my hands, my cousin, and gf's scents are really good. Can someone explain this? Has this ever happened to anyone else? It's really weird
The Answer
It's true that people have a particular scent, and maybe you are particularly sensitive to scent.
There was actually an interesting study done years ago, where women rated the attractiveness of male body odor. Without knowing whose was whose, women found the odor of men more closely related to them unappealing, and men who were unrelated to them more appealing to them.
Humans beings as we know them never used scent as a primary sense, but way, way back in our development as a species it would have been a much more important one than it is now. Many other mammals use scent as their primary way to distinguish members of their own group., so the roots are definitely in us, even though it's not powerful anymore.
Just a quick note on Pheromones:
The idea of human pheromone is still highly controversial and in question among scientists. Given the current knowledge base, it's far, far more accurate to refer to human body odor, NOT human pheromones. No human pheromones have been discovered, or proven to exist. There is not anything near to compelling evidence that human beings respond to pheromones signals, and strong evidence that human beings respond to scent just using their normal olfactory system.
Which is to say, no one has proven that human beings respond to pheromones in any way. Any one who tries to sell you something based on 'human pheromones' is a snake oil salesman - a con artist.
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The Question
Please don't think I'm a bad person. I know this is such an awful question to ask and I would never ask it if I was adopting a baby. I don't really see the difference between a baby you have and a baby you adopt, but imagine that you were adopting an older child. Like a pre-teen? I'm asking because that's the situation I may be in.
I want to love this kid more than my life. I want to take this child who has never been loved by anyone before and shower him with love. I want to love him so much that I would die for him without even having to think about it. However, what would it say about me to love him as much as my other kids who have been with me since I held their little naked bodies in my arms shortly after their births? What would it say about me if I didn't?
As I'm writing this, I realize that it sounds much worse than it did in my head. I don't blame you if you think I'm a jerk, but while I feel capable of loving this kid as much as any other, I wonder if it will say very little about my relationship with my other kids. What would it say if a new kid could come along an automatically mean as much to me as they did? What would it say about me if I took this kid in and didn't give him the love he needs so badly and has been deprived of all his life?
Also, I find myself treating the kids differently. For example, one of my sons was going to get a dirt bike for Christmas, but I've been wondering if I should get him one or not. They can be so dangerous and I'd biting my nails every time he used it, worrying that he'd get hurt. However, I when I thought about getting the new kid a dirt bike, I didn't have a problem with it. I don't want him to get hurt either. I'd rather anything happen to myself than that, but I'm not as nervous about him having one.
Tell me what you think of this situation. Really imagine yourself being in this situation yourself and give me complete honesty. If you want to call me a jerk, go ahead, but please, give me some direction. Thanks in advance.
The Answer
You are going to love everyone, everyone you ever love in your life, a bit differently. No one is the same.
Your love for children is going to be different throughout their lives. You probably wont think about it much, because most people never really bother to unpack their feelings towards their biological children, but that love will shift and change. It will be effected by their needs, their temperament, the situations they encounter and the choices they make. The love you feel may be different every day.
It's comparing apples to oranges to compare your feelings for one child to another, even if they were all your biological children.
Does 'different' mean 'less than'? It really doesn't have to.
It's good to be aware, and thinking about these things as you bring a new child in your family, but you need to relax a bit. You are over thinking this, and you are getting in your own way. You know the love you want to have. You know the mother you want to be. You know this child will be different, that your relationship will be different, that building the relationship you want will happen differently.
None of that is bad. It's good you recognize the reality of the situation and your own feelings.
Your relationship with your adopted son is a new one, and you can let it be new. It doesn't have to be an end game, where all the love and trust you have now is exactly the same as all the love and trust you have tomorrow. Your journey with your adopted son will be very different than your journey with you biological children. Accept that and celebrate it, don't fear it.
Talk to a therapist if you need to discuss this more, but frankly, I think you are imagining a much bigger issue than there really is.
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The Question
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year now. Around about the time we got in a relationship together, it had been 3 years since him and his ex girlfriend had been split. All the way through our relationship, she has done nothing but harass him. Sometimes she will go weeks without texting him, then she will harass him all day for days, it's mostly when she's drunk. She sometimes texts him in a general chit chat, like "Hi, how are you?" Etc, and he replies being short and blunt, but when she texts him saying she loves him, he just says ok and haha. She knows he is with me, so why won't she leave him alone? Why won't he tell her to leave him alone? He says he feels sorry for her, I tell him that the only way she's going to get over you is for you to completely blank her. When he sees her in public, he won't even look at her. Why is this? I've told him to ignore her, for her to move on but he just doesn't listen... I know he doesn't have feelings for, but why is this? What can I do?
The Answer
Back off and relax.
You've given your boyfriend the best possible advice: He needs to cut her out. Her behaviour has crossed the line to bullying, and he needs to stop accepting it.
And eventually, he probably will, but he's not there yet, and that doesn't have to be your problem.
Yes, it's annoying, and yes, it's offensive.
But if you know he is faithful, than just take a deep breath, and file this under "Not my problem." By all means, keep reminding him that the right response to this is to just cut her out, tell her off, and stop having any contact with her... but calm yourself down and let him do it when he's ready.
Lots of people are afraid of being mean - even to people they have no feelings for. He'll come around eventually, and frankly, you might help him get there faster if you take a back seat, tell him it's his problem to solve, and let him do it. Your frustration with her might simply make him feel the need to defend her. Letting it go can help the person feel the full annoyances of bad behaviour themselves.
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The Question
I have a catholic friend that has been having bad luck for the past 17 years.With health loosing there job,even had no money and was eating out the garbage.It was just unbelievable.I felt they were cursed in some way.I started asking questions and they have a voodoo doll and have been having it for 17 years.It is from New Orleans and it is dressed in a purple dress with a yellow purse it has sea shells on it with 3 charms.What is the best way to get rid of it respecifically.
The Answer
The kindest thing you can do is make your friends a nice dinner, listen and be supportive, loan them money if you able.
The doll has no power. Zero. It isn't doing anything. You may not believe that, but that it is the truth. It is not cursed. It is even extremely unlikely that anyone who actually believed in voodoo, or curses, ever touched that doll! The doll was almost certainly made for tourists, probably in a factory in Asia.
Frankly, even if it WAS created by someone who actually practices voodoo- voodoo dolls aren't really used for curses. That was myth made up by Catholics to demonize the people they were trying to convert. Most voodoo dolls, created by people who actually practice voodoo, are created for out of reverence or bring to good fortune and good health.
Please, Please, PLEASE, help your friend with her ACTUAL problems.
If you really want to get rid of the trinket, just google "How to dispose of a Voodoo Doll" and you'll get tons of difference answers to choose from. There are even lots of sites out there, willing to take your money, and sell you all sorts of kits. Choose whichever rituals makes you (and your friends) feel comfortable.
Because that is all that is important when it comes to this doll. Whatever makes you think the voodoo doll is gone, is going to make you feel better, because it's only the thoughts and beliefs of people that are suggesting it has any power in the first place.
Read this article, for a good, and honest, discussion on how to deal with this problem. http://www.examiner.com/article/voodoo-curses-magic-or-psychology
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The Question
So my period came on September 5th. I had sex with guy #1 my ex boyfriend on September 14th but he DID NOT ejaculate in me, and we've been dating for some time. And has been having unprotected sex, and I have not gotten pregnant. I had sex with guy #2 which is my new boyfriend on September 17th and he DID ejaculate in me, and that was the only time. I went to the doctors and they said the day I conceived was September 19th and I'm expected to have my baby June 12. 2014. Which one is the father? Need help please!!!
The Answer
It's impossible to know for sure, until you can perform a paternity test.
It's more likely that it was the sex on September 17th, where you know for sure your boyfriend ejaculated inside you, but the sex on September 14th cannot be ruled out completely.
Sperm can live inside a woman's body for up to five days (some have suggested longer), and sperm can be present in pre-cum, so it is possible for either guy to be the father. The egg can be fertilized as soon as 30 minutes after sex, or as long as several days. You haven't given enough information to accurately determine when you ovulated, but since it's perfectly possible for sperm for the first guy to still have been living inside of you even on the 17th, or 19th, the day you ovulated isn't too important.
So, it's probably the second guy, who you had sex with on the 17th. It's pretty unlikely that it would be the guy you had sex with on the 14th, but it is still possible. (I am assuming that you are correct, and guy on the 14th did not ejaculate - if the guy on the 14th did ejaculate in you, then it's pretty much a 50/50 chance.)
Good luck.
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The Question
20/f
I noticed that ever since I've been on birth control, my hips have gotten wider. I know because I have to go a size up in pants and I have always been slender. Recently, I started noticing that my upper body is getting bigger. I do not mean my breasts, I am not sure if my breasts are getting bigger but I have been noticing that I am starting to no longer fit in my regular size tops and I would need to go a size up.
I recently contacted my doctor and they said widening hips are not due to the birth control pills. I was thinking that maybe I was eating too much but I have always had a fast metabolism. But my doctor also said that the birth control that I am taking does not slow down my metabolism either.
I am slightly paranoid just because my coworker told me that she knew a girl that was taking birth control pills and she "blew up."
What exactly is going on with my body?
The Answer
You're aging.
If you are concerned, by all means book a physical, but the most likely explanation is the simplest one: You are getting older.
It's not how we think of growing up, but the truth is our bodies don't stop maturing until very early twenties for women, and early to mid twenties for men.
For most women, it is some point in their early twenties that they stop growing completely, and their metabolism slows down. If you aren't really super active, it's usually enough to be noticeable.
The idea that birth control pills cause weight gain it almost utterly a myth. There are very, very few forms of contraception that are linked to weight gain, and even still, only a minority of women experience the weight gain due to their contraception. The myth is born of the fact that most women begin taking birth control at about the same time they finish physically maturing, and their metabolism slows down naturally.
You aren't going to have the same body at 25, that you had 19. That you just have to accept. Some of the changes you've noticed might simply not be reversible in any healthy way. But you've also reached an age where you need to start considering how you take care of yourself.
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The Question
I asked a supervisor to write me a recommendation letter for graduate school.. Many programs allow electronic submission via an online centralized program. I helped her copy/paste the letter onto the site, and once we submitted it and reviewed the PDF, we realized that the formatting was altered so that there is excess space between the last two paragraphs.
Though there's nothing we can do to change anything now, does a formatting issue such as this look bad to schools? Can this potentially bring doubt to my credibility?
The Answer
No. They won't care.
If it happened to you, then it's happened to others.
I know it's stressful, but relax. This won't reflect on you negatively.
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The Question
People pick on me and call me a "hipster" because I like to wear vintage clothes, headbands, fedora hats and listen to old music & I'm not into the music being played today. My friends are like this too & they don't consider themselves "hipster". I'm really down to earth and make friends easily. I'm very carefree/laid back. I don't like brand names, I love funky jewelry, always have, and I have an obsession with skulls and vintage items. I'm not sure what a hipster is, but I don't think I am one, but I get called a stupid hipster. Do I sound like a hipster?
The Answer
Why do people call you a hipster?
Because it bothers you.
Yes, you exhibit some of the core behaviours that are associated with the hipster culture: vintage clothing and rejection of pop music. So it makes perfect sense people would call you a hipster.
There is no real definition of hipster - because it's a movement that tries to reject labels and is really just a self-selected group of people who identify with one-another.
But really, people are doing it because it bothers you. Lots of people are proud, or at least at peace, with being called hipsters. The word is only an insult if you allow it to be.
Stop letting it bother you.
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The Question
Both my sister and I have a relatively close relationship with my father. But he is really starting to both me, at 22 and 28 years-old I think that the two of us can talk like adult when something is bothering us.
A little over a year ago to live with her boyfriend and she is in a really toxic situation, in which she thinks she is acting rationally (even though she's really not). Her live-in boyfriend attempted to kill her a month ago but she returned to him. Additionally she struggles to pay bills, while her boyfriend who is unable to hold onto a job lives off of her. During the whole time she was way from her, she remained attached to her phone, and did not get any time away from him. I think that he is indeed controlling every word and every action she does, although she would never admit that to anyone... because in her eyes he's Mr. Right.
I wrote her a letter out of sincerity, love and compassion from her from the very bottom of my heart. I reminded her of the situation, let her know that she is indeed affecting everyone, and requested that she think about going on a break from her boyfriend. I was concerned about emailing it to her because I had no idea how she would react, and indeed she emailed my father.
In a way I like to control things that I feel uncomfortable about, I guess, and I hate how out of my hands this situation is. I do not enjoy the fact that my older sister thinks that me telling her to take some time off of her relationship is me trying to dominate her life. If it were not a concern for her safety and her future, I would not do that.
What bothers me the most is that my father thought it was appropriate that he saw everything that I wrote to her, when indeed it was not. I tried to explain to him that when she's upset with me, he needs to tell her to talk to me. Instead of agreeing to abide my wishes, he insists that he should get involved because we are his children. That repeated itself after an argument that I had with my sister in which I told her that my mother, grandmother and I suspect that her boyfriend abused her dog because he experiences night terrors. I overheard him tell her to report to him whenever I do or say anything inappropriate about the situation... um, excuse me?
How exactly do I get him to break himself of this habit. Please don't tell me that it's only because he's looking out for us, because any adult would despise their parents getting involved in their personal affairs with someone who means anything to them.
I'm sorry if this is hard to understand at all, I'm just really upset about both things.
The Answer
I think you need to unpack this a bit.
Your sister showed your father a letter you wrote to her. Your father didn't butt in, your sister invited him into the issue.
You can wish she didn't, but she was free to make that choice. This isn't just your father's habit - it's your sisters.
The only way to stop your father from getting involved with your relationship with your sister- if SHE wants him involved- is to ignore him. Simply tell him the issue is between you and her, and you aren't going to discuss it with him. You have no power or authority to stop her from involving him, you can only cut him out on your end.
You also made some mistakes in the way you choose to handle this... A letter was unwise. Especially when you fear for someone's safety in a relationship, you do NOT leave evidence of your criticism of their partner. Doing that can compromise your sister's safety.
Please understand me on this one: If you fear for someone's safety because of their partner, the best thing you can do to help that person is leave no evidence of your conversation that is critical of their pattern. If you leave evidence, the person who is being manipulated is more likely to turn on you, like your sister did, just to protect themselves against the evidence every being found and them being blamed for it.
Private phone-calls and face-to-faces. That's the right way to address abuse. Phone calls and face-to-faces are also less likely to be interested as you trying to control her behaviours - because there is more of an equal back and forth. Even the best intentioned letter can be very prescriptive and insulting.
Finally, you need to stop speaking for other people. You aren't helping the situation when you speak on behalf of your mother or grandmother. In fact, you are making it worse, because you end up taking all the heat on yourself, and your mother and grandmother are less likely to stand up for THIER concerns and fears. You play right into the 'bad guy' role when you speak for anyone other than yourself.
You are very right, and very smart, to recognize that your own control issues are wrapped up in this. It might help you to take a deep breath and write down a list of what you can and can't control. For example:
You can't control what your sister says to your dad, or what he says to her.
You can control what you say to both of them.
You can control the style of the message, to make it easiest for your sister to hear and engage with.
You can't speak with authority for other people's feelings or opinions.
It might seem like I'm coming down really hard on you - and I definitely don't mean to be. You are absolutely right to want to make sure you've shared your concerns with your sister, and you are right to want to manage your adult relationship with her without parental involvement. But you made some errors in the way you handled this, and the way you keep approaching it.
Ignore your father's behaviour, and take your sister out for lunch or coffee. Apologize for any offensive she took, and speak only for your own concerns and fears for her.
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The Question
Hi. I am 26 and I have a 26 year old Muslim boyfriend. When I first met my boyfriend, he wasn't a muslim yet. Last year he decided to become a Muslim, and he became really devoted to his religion. I'm a Christian. At first he told me he wouldn't push me to convert as a muslim. But these past few months, we are always arguing about our faith. He doesn't respect my faith and being so discriminating towards other religion. I told him I respect his faith but I don't want to talk about it anymore cause I don't want to argue. But he wouldn't stop. And tonight he told me that he will give me time to think about converting. I told him not to expect cause I'm really not going to change my religion. He said it will not work abd broke up with me.
I tried to understand this guy so much but I feel disrespected. Please help. I don't want our daughter to grow up without a father. Am I still going to accept him when he comes back to me? I'm sick of tired of arguing about our faith. I accepted him the day he told me he wants to be a Muslim but why can't he respect my faith? I was born as a Christian and I want to stay as a Christian forever. He told me too that he's not going to marry me if it's not in an Islamic way. Don't know what to do. :'(
Thank you for all your answers
The Answer
Let it go. Let this relationship be over.
He's a bully and an ass. He's controlling and disrespectful.
This wasn't the right relationship for you, and it's not healthy for your child for their mother to be bullied and disrespected by their father.
She wont 'grow up without a father'. He can still be in her life as a co-parent. If he can't respect things that are as important to you as your religious faith, than he can't be in a relationship with you. That doesn't mean he can't have a relationship with your daughter.
The best example you can set for your daughter is to be happy, confident and respected in your relationship. If he can't do that, then you can't be in a relationship with him.
So let him go.
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The Question
hi, I am in my fifties and cannot work due to health issues and and have child in thirties who has own company makes in a week what I live on a year yet feel taken advantage of for numerous reasons. This child asked me to care for pet for a few months and I was honest and said I didn't want to and they got mad and guilt trip me about it. so then I feel taken advantage of as needed for food and child got me watch pet for few dollars a day but I said I want what would pay kennel as a lot of work. question do u think child should pay going rate or at least more than a few dollars a day which I feel is an insult and person treats animal better than own mother and its stressful I would like at least 25 a day and they only give me 4 dollar whats fair and right also I trained dog as was not trained and is a lot of work and feel not appreciated what is fair price and how can avoid guilt trip especially as is my child even though I am the mom
The Answer
If you aren't happy with a situation, you need to say no.
If you are feeling taken advantage of, then you shouldn't have taken the pet.
However, if this situation has already began, then there isn't too much you can do about it now, unless you are willing to escalate this to the point you surrender the animal to a shelter.
Frankly, I think that would be cruel. It's not the pet's fault that you and your child couldn't come to a respectful agreement.
You are right. Kennels are very expensive, and it's fair to want more compensation for caring for the pet. HOWEVER, that is an agreement you need to come to before the pet arrives. Changing the agreement now is going to be very, very difficult.
Your child might be rude and ungrateful, but you need to learn how to say no. If you gave into their bullying, then you are stuck. Next time, don't give in.
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