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My Father Dominates My Relationship with My Sister
Both my sister and I have a relatively close relationship with my father. But he is really starting to both me, at 22 and 28 years-old I think that the two of us can talk like adult when something is bothering us.
A little over a year ago to live with her boyfriend and she is in a really toxic situation, in which she thinks she is acting rationally (even though she's really not). Her live-in boyfriend attempted to kill her a month ago but she returned to him. Additionally she struggles to pay bills, while her boyfriend who is unable to hold onto a job lives off of her. During the whole time she was way from her, she remained attached to her phone, and did not get any time away from him. I think that he is indeed controlling every word and every action she does, although she would never admit that to anyone... because in her eyes he's Mr. Right.
I wrote her a letter out of sincerity, love and compassion from her from the very bottom of my heart. I reminded her of the situation, let her know that she is indeed affecting everyone, and requested that she think about going on a break from her boyfriend. I was concerned about emailing it to her because I had no idea how she would react, and indeed she emailed my father.
In a way I like to control things that I feel uncomfortable about, I guess, and I hate how out of my hands this situation is. I do not enjoy the fact that my older sister thinks that me telling her to take some time off of her relationship is me trying to dominate her life. If it were not a concern for her safety and her future, I would not do that.
What bothers me the most is that my father thought it was appropriate that he saw everything that I wrote to her, when indeed it was not. I tried to explain to him that when she's upset with me, he needs to tell her to talk to me. Instead of agreeing to abide my wishes, he insists that he should get involved because we are his children. That repeated itself after an argument that I had with my sister in which I told her that my mother, grandmother and I suspect that her boyfriend abused her dog because he experiences night terrors. I overheard him tell her to report to him whenever I do or say anything inappropriate about the situation... um, excuse me?
How exactly do I get him to break himself of this habit. Please don't tell me that it's only because he's looking out for us, because any adult would despise their parents getting involved in their personal affairs with someone who means anything to them.
I'm sorry if this is hard to understand at all, I'm just really upset about both things.
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I think you need to unpack this a bit.
Your sister showed your father a letter you wrote to her. Your father didn't butt in, your sister invited him into the issue.
You can wish she didn't, but she was free to make that choice. This isn't just your father's habit - it's your sisters.
The only way to stop your father from getting involved with your relationship with your sister- if SHE wants him involved- is to ignore him. Simply tell him the issue is between you and her, and you aren't going to discuss it with him. You have no power or authority to stop her from involving him, you can only cut him out on your end.
You also made some mistakes in the way you choose to handle this... A letter was unwise. Especially when you fear for someone's safety in a relationship, you do NOT leave evidence of your criticism of their partner. Doing that can compromise your sister's safety.
Please understand me on this one: If you fear for someone's safety because of their partner, the best thing you can do to help that person is leave no evidence of your conversation that is critical of their pattern. If you leave evidence, the person who is being manipulated is more likely to turn on you, like your sister did, just to protect themselves against the evidence every being found and them being blamed for it.
Private phone-calls and face-to-faces. That's the right way to address abuse. Phone calls and face-to-faces are also less likely to be interested as you trying to control her behaviours - because there is more of an equal back and forth. Even the best intentioned letter can be very prescriptive and insulting.
Finally, you need to stop speaking for other people. You aren't helping the situation when you speak on behalf of your mother or grandmother. In fact, you are making it worse, because you end up taking all the heat on yourself, and your mother and grandmother are less likely to stand up for THIER concerns and fears. You play right into the 'bad guy' role when you speak for anyone other than yourself.
You are very right, and very smart, to recognize that your own control issues are wrapped up in this. It might help you to take a deep breath and write down a list of what you can and can't control. For example:
You can't control what your sister says to your dad, or what he says to her.
You can control what you say to both of them.
You can control the style of the message, to make it easiest for your sister to hear and engage with.
You can't speak with authority for other people's feelings or opinions.
It might seem like I'm coming down really hard on you - and I definitely don't mean to be. You are absolutely right to want to make sure you've shared your concerns with your sister, and you are right to want to manage your adult relationship with her without parental involvement. But you made some errors in the way you handled this, and the way you keep approaching it.
Ignore your father's behaviour, and take your sister out for lunch or coffee. Apologize for any offensive she took, and speak only for your own concerns and fears for her.
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