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Am I Supposed to Love My Adopted Son Like My Other Children?
Please don't think I'm a bad person. I know this is such an awful question to ask and I would never ask it if I was adopting a baby. I don't really see the difference between a baby you have and a baby you adopt, but imagine that you were adopting an older child. Like a pre-teen? I'm asking because that's the situation I may be in.
I want to love this kid more than my life. I want to take this child who has never been loved by anyone before and shower him with love. I want to love him so much that I would die for him without even having to think about it. However, what would it say about me to love him as much as my other kids who have been with me since I held their little naked bodies in my arms shortly after their births? What would it say about me if I didn't?
As I'm writing this, I realize that it sounds much worse than it did in my head. I don't blame you if you think I'm a jerk, but while I feel capable of loving this kid as much as any other, I wonder if it will say very little about my relationship with my other kids. What would it say if a new kid could come along an automatically mean as much to me as they did? What would it say about me if I took this kid in and didn't give him the love he needs so badly and has been deprived of all his life?
Also, I find myself treating the kids differently. For example, one of my sons was going to get a dirt bike for Christmas, but I've been wondering if I should get him one or not. They can be so dangerous and I'd biting my nails every time he used it, worrying that he'd get hurt. However, I when I thought about getting the new kid a dirt bike, I didn't have a problem with it. I don't want him to get hurt either. I'd rather anything happen to myself than that, but I'm not as nervous about him having one.
Tell me what you think of this situation. Really imagine yourself being in this situation yourself and give me complete honesty. If you want to call me a jerk, go ahead, but please, give me some direction. Thanks in advance.
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I was married and had two step children. I took them as my own treated them as my own. I used to watch my sister in laws kids all the time who never got attention from their parents and I treated them as my own. Children are innocent pure. Its awful so many children are in need of a family. Ive never treated a child different from my own. With the dirt bule i think you want to give him one because he hadnt had anything and you want to make him happy and feel loves as in your fear of treating him different you are over reactting i did the same thing i was worried id treat my step kids different than my own but we all fell together like. Puzzle just remember he doesnt no what its like to feel loved by a family
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Just so you have more positive feedback, no you're not a horrible person for thinking that. I agree with everything adviceman said. I was going to say all exactly the same.
I will add though that being a mother of three, I know that the love I had for my babies as I first held each one has morphed and grown over the years as I experience life together with them, seeing their preferances and talents coming to the surface. So what you feel for your own is not the same as it was in the beginning.
With the adoptive son, you will be taking him in without the years of bonding and experiences that you have with the others, so you'll have to be patient, for those feelings will develop in time.
Right now, if I were adopting a kid, it would be with a loving and compassionate heart one human has for another, the mothers heart would not yet be there, be will develop over time. It doesn't need to take long but will come naturally as you go through daily life together. The loving and compassion will have deep caring and nurturing added to it and all of a sudden you realize that you love him like a birth mother. It's not being biological birth-parent that makes one a loving parent, its all the nitty gritty that goes into the raising of a child...and that will come in time.
Right now I am grandma age and face something like that. I will be returning to be closer to my one granddaughter from my daughter. The dad is remarried and so she has a half sister but there are also two previous children of her own. Neither him nor the wife are my biological children and none of the other 3 children are tied to me that way. I watched the birth of my grand daughter and have had years to be in her life intimately. I have not have that time with the others. I do not want to leave them out and will likely occasionally have a one on one time with the grand daughter but all will be included on the grandma time for special events, trip to the fair, christmas cookie baking, etc where we create the memories and bonding together. At the moment tho, I must admit I also don't have the same grandmotherly feelings for the other grandchildren yet but that wont hold me back from going for it. Blessings to you for opening your heart and home to add one more if it works out.
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I believe what you are feeling is normal. You love your children and you don't want to hurt them or this adopted child is what I believe you're saying.
Adopted children be they infants or teens are special children. They have in a way received the short end of the stick and need all the love and affection you can give them. As to what others will think. Well I fall into the category of those others and I feel it takes a very special person to give of themselves and to open themselves and their home to someone. To offer all the love and support they would offer their own. Anyone who thinks differently truly needs to reexamine themselves for there is something wrong with them.
As parents we both know that each child we have requires a different type of parenting, no two children are alike and we parent them differently. Sometimes this is very subtle and no one notices, other times the difference is noticeable.
In parenting the adopted child you are going to have to parent him differently, especially at first. I'm positive the love from you will be there. For him, especially depending on his background, he may need to let his guard down and accept your love and learn to love you. This is going to take sometime and maybe some forbearance on your part on some behaviors you would not accept from your natural children. This will require some explanation as to why he might get away with something at first that you will not tolerate from them.
In the end though if you do this correctly, and you will, he will come around and be apart of your family. You will love him as your son, you will parent him as he needs to be parented which may be slightly different from your other children. This is okay as this how we parent correctly.
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You are going to love everyone, everyone you ever love in your life, a bit differently. No one is the same.
Your love for children is going to be different throughout their lives. You probably wont think about it much, because most people never really bother to unpack their feelings towards their biological children, but that love will shift and change. It will be effected by their needs, their temperament, the situations they encounter and the choices they make. The love you feel may be different every day.
It's comparing apples to oranges to compare your feelings for one child to another, even if they were all your biological children.
Does 'different' mean 'less than'? It really doesn't have to.
It's good to be aware, and thinking about these things as you bring a new child in your family, but you need to relax a bit. You are over thinking this, and you are getting in your own way. You know the love you want to have. You know the mother you want to be. You know this child will be different, that your relationship will be different, that building the relationship you want will happen differently.
None of that is bad. It's good you recognize the reality of the situation and your own feelings.
Your relationship with your adopted son is a new one, and you can let it be new. It doesn't have to be an end game, where all the love and trust you have now is exactly the same as all the love and trust you have tomorrow. Your journey with your adopted son will be very different than your journey with you biological children. Accept that and celebrate it, don't fear it.
Talk to a therapist if you need to discuss this more, but frankly, I think you are imagining a much bigger issue than there really is.
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