I'm not here to tell you what to think or do, but to give you as much honest, accurate information as possible. If I don't know an answer to a specific question, I'll research it before replying. I won't sugarcoat things; my job is to tell it like it is.
I've got a particular interest in sexual health and sexuality. I know a lot about fertility and pregnancy - and firsthand now, as I've just had twins. I'm also an accredited sexual health worker.
Gender: Female
Occupation: Counsellor, writer, mother of twins.
Age: 31
Member Since: August 9, 2004
Answers: 1493
Last Update: November 5, 2009
Visitors: 173031
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I recently broke up with my boyfriend who is 16(I'm 14), because he didn't want a relationship and I did. All he wants is friends with bennefits. I told him I wasn't going to do that with him, and he said that was ok. He asked if we could hang out today, just hang out. so I said yeah, and I told myself that I wasn't going to do anything with him and then he came over, and the next thing I know, im straddling him (fully clothed) and making out with him. It got carried away and I ended up giving him a hand job. He thinks it was just friends with bennefits and I'm a piece of ass. I don't want that, and I want to know if I should just cut off all relations with him and stop talking to him, I dont need him as a friend. or a boyfriend. what do I do!? (link)
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I think the most important thing is to make sure that your words are matching your actions. If you tell this guy you are not willing to be friends with benefits, but you get sexual with him the first time you see him, then that's sending a mixed message.
It can be tempting to mess around with someone for a couple of reasons: you like them and want to be close to them, you want to make them like you, etc. None of these are good enough, especially when the guy has already said that he doesn't want anything more than messing around.
Take some responsibility for yourself and do what you think is right. It sounds like you already know what that is, and knowing is half the battle!
Best of luck.
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ok. well im really truthful about my feelings toward my girl friend but only when we are alone or in a moment. well anyways she doesnt show her feelings to me. It's only once and a rare while that she says something and I mean that is very rare. Does this mean that she's not feeling the same way about me as I am for her? Does she like to keep her feelings secret from me because she's afraid how I'll react
PS im 14/f (link)
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There's no way anyone can tell you what your girlfriend is feeling. What you can do is make sure that she knows how YOU are feeling.
If you let her know that you want to know exactly how she's feeling, even if she's confused about something, then maybe she'll open up. Be sure to let her know how important it is to you to feel like you both share your thoughts and feelings.
She might feel uncomfortable because you only share your feelings in private - after all, this could be interpreted as you not wanting other people to know you care for her, and that might upset her.
The only way any of this can be sorted out is by the two of you sitting down and having an honest conversation.
Best of luck.
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I have had this really good firend for like seven years and we are like sisters. Ive noticed that she never really took a liking to guys and always wondered if she was lesbian or something. She told me just a few weeks ago that she was and that she was sexually attracted to me. I was really confused and disguisted. I dont wanna throw away a seven year friendship...but i dont want my best friend hitting on me. (link)
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It seems to me there are two things going on here: one, you don't want your friendship to be uncomfortable. Two, you're homophobic.
Now, it's okay to feel confused or scared of things you do not understand. Your friend being a lesbian doesn't make her a different person at all - she still likes the same things on her pizza, still finds the same things funny, and still finds the same things scary.
She's always been gay, so the only thing that has changed is that you now know. She probably really trusts and cares for you to have told you about her sexuality, so be flattered.
Also - be flattered she was attracted to you! It feels good when people like us, but now it's your turn to tell her how you feel.
Namely that you are not attracted to her and that you do not have any interest in dating her. This situation is awkward no matter WHAT the sexuality of people involved, but best friends have gotten through it in the past. It's important that you are both open and honest, and that you both are trying to hear the other side of the story.
Best of luck.
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I've been with my girlfriend for over 18 months. I'm 19 and female and i just transfered schools. She's 18 and is just going in to college. We're only going to be about an hour apart, but for some reason she thinks she's going to get her heart broken. I keep telling her that we will have to work together to make it work, but for some reason she doesn't think so. Is it possible that she wants out? Can our relationship survive while we're in college? (link)
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Sure it can survive, if you are both up to the emotional demands of a long distance relationship. An hour apart isn't that bad - you can still see each other on weekends and evenings if one of you has a car.
Trust is the main thing in this type of relationship - both of you have to know that the other is utterly committed. There's also feelings of sadness that you can't be together more often.
Still, it can make the times you ARE together even better.
I don't know that your girlfriend wants out, but she could just be really worried about living so far from you. Keep comforting her, and have discussions about the ways you can stay close: letters, phone calls, visits, etc.
Best of luck.
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Well my friend Jake is in love with me, and I cant date anyone without him getting mad at me and I really wanna go out with this guy named Austin, but I cant I feel forced to go out with Jake cause if I dont everyone is going to get mad at me and he will hate me forever. Jake really loves me a lot all of my friends and his friends no it HELP! what do I do?
(I am a female and im 15) (link)
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You sound unhappy, pressured, and unable to do what you really want. Is this how you think a relationship should start?
The easiest thing for me to say is that you should do what you want. But HOW to do it is the question. Your friends should understand that if you don't like someone, you will be unhappy dating them. A real friend would not pressure you once you clearly explained how you were feeling.
There's nothing you can do about Jake's friends; of course they're going to be upset - they don't want Jake to be hurt. This is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to be true to yourself, while being considerate of Jake.
Let him know you care about him as a friend, but you do not want to date him. This might feel awkward or uncomfortable, but once you get rid of his hope you'll also be getting rid of a lot of the pressure people are putting on you.
Ultimately, you can only make choices that make you happy. Date who you want to date. Be friends with who you want to be friends with. It's your life, and if you don't stand up for you, who will?
Best of luck.
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So, my questions are usually opinion issues, but this one's actually an "I don't know" issue.
What is the guy's equivilant of a promise ring?
My guy and I are going ring shopping for me, and I want to get him something that says "I'm taken" basically (because I don't trust girls, and we're going to different colleges in the fall).
My problem is that he doesn't wear jewelry. Like, at all.
There's the sliiiiiim possibility that I could get him to make an exception for a ring (or even get him to put the ring on the only necklace he wears (a dog tag on a chain)) but I doubt it.
So...what can I get him that'll tell other people he's taken besides a ring or a tattoo with my name in it? Lol. (link)
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It's okay to doubt other girls, but at the heart of all of this is your trust in your boyfriend. If you trust him, then you don't need to brand him as yours.
Sometimes girls will try to test how much a guy cares about them by trying to make them wear rings, etc....lots of people do it, so if this is on your mind, you're normal. However, guys do function a bit differently than girls and are usually quite happy to have no ring - they still feel loved and don't need outward signs of coupledom.
If you trust your guy, then be happy with your ring and the committment you've made to each other.
Best of luck at college in the fall.
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I'm 12 and a female and i really need a strapless bra but i'm only in an A.Where can I get a cheap,good strapless bra?
CD (link)
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If you're a cup size A, you're probably safe to go without any bra at all!
If it's for a formal dress or something, you'll be fine for one evening with no bra...and you'll save yourself some money.
But if you must buy one, cheapie stores you might try are walmart, target, etc.
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Yeah, so my guy and I have been together for almost 20 months, and he proposed awhile back.
The thing is, about a month ago we had a big fight over something INCREDIBLY stupid and almost broke up before realizing that it was completely fixable, and that we'd both be miserable without each other. So really, we never broke up...but I want to know if we're still engaged. It's getting close to a year since he proposed. Should I just randomly do something like "You remember what you asked me a year ago today?"
I mean, he still talks about our relationship as if it'll never end, so I think he still feels the same way. I know he still loves me (if anything, he seems to love me more, and I love him)
So...how do I go about bringing this up? (link)
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Being engaged to someone should mean that both parties are willing to enter into a marriage. For that to be a realistic situation, there needs to be honesty and open communication.
If you're not sure whether you are engaged, or if you feel uncomfortable asking your partner if you are, then this isn't the best engagement ever.
I don't mean you might not end up together, but that maybe individually or as a couple you just aren't ready to be engaged. Particularly as it sounds like no wedding plans have actually been made.
The best I can offer is a suggestion to talk to your partner and see what's going on. It sounds like you both care very deeply for each other, and I'm sure things will be fine - if you're both honest and avoid misunderstandings!
Best of luck.
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im 15 and me and my boyfriend got a little too "happy" and well we started to somewhat have sex but stopped after about 4 thrusts because we got scared. i got my period since and i have no symptoms of being pregnant...but once he starts to finger me its fine if its for a short period of time but if it gets too long he says he feels like he scratched something and all the sudden i get a mucus like brown discharge that leaks all over. i dont know if i have something wrong with me or if its a result of the fooling around with the sex or if im pregnant or what. can you help me out a little? id love it if you could. as i said im 15 so i dont really want to have to go and ask my mom to get me to a doctor to check it out or anything. ack. (link)
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Right. Realistically, four thrusts (if he did not ejaculate in you) probably didn't make you pregnant - especially if you have gotten your period.
So that's one worry off your mind. As for the unusual discharge - and the lack of your normal smell/discharge - well, you're probably going to need to see a doctor. I completely understand you might not want to approach your mom about this, but I wonder if you can have her make an appointment for something else - you know, getting to the doctor without having to tell you things you'd rather she didn't know at this point.
Your other option is to search for 'Planned Parenthood' and see where your local clinic is. They offer free advice and support for sexual health issues, and you could make the appointment yourself.
The reason I advise this is because it's never a good idea to mess around with your health; plus, I'm not sure what this new discharge is.
If you were fingered only a day or so after your period ended, the prolonged stiumulation could have caused your lubricant to 'wash out' any blood that was left from your period. On the other hand, the semi-sex with your boyfriend might've caused a small tear and it's being aggravated.
If a tear has happened at any point, whether from his penis or his finger, it's important to get tested for STDs. Your discharge changing could be a signal that something isn't quite right.
So my best advice? Figure out a way to see a doctor and get your mind put to rest.
Best of luck.
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Ender's Game is the best book ever. (link)
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Yep. I think so, too. I've read it a million times. Are the others in the series as good?
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I live i Nj and im a 13/f. I moved from Austin Tx 3 months ago. In austin over the summer last year, i met this guy who is soooo amazing. i know he liked me alot and i was obsessed with him and i would meet him at the pool every day, but one day we got in a fight because he was like surounded by girls and i was off to the sidelines. he left and didnt come back. thats when i moved. i got enough courage to call him and apologize and we started talking on aim. i have a major crush and i swear i think about him every day but yesterday i found out he was going out with this other girl,and he said i was a good friend!!!! he doesnt realize that for the past two and a half months ive been hinting on aim that he's my major crush and i dont know what to do to get him to realize i like him without actually telling him. what should i do?
-confused (link)
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Realistically? Accept that you've found a guy who considers you a good friend, and then move on and find someone in your own area. Long distance relationships are very difficult, even without all the extra stress you guys have - your age (less money to visit!), the fact that you weren't dating before you left, etc. This guy might've been perfect for you if you were still in Texas, but do you really want to date someone you'll never actually get the chance to see?
No notes passed at school, no hand holding, no anything. On the flip side, it can be a big bonus to have a close guy friend. When you do find a new guy (and you will!), it can be helpful to have a friend that can let you know how guys think. You can bounce ideas off of him, build an even stronger friendship, and possibly benefit a lot more from having him as a friend than a boyfriend.
Of course, if you feel this guy really IS the one for you, you're going to have to come out and say it. With no face-to-face contact, there's no opportunity to hang back and see what happens - good communication is the KEY to long distance things, and at least if he decides he wants to only be friends you won't have to see him in school the next day.
Best of luck.
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When I was little I loved reading. Now, because all my friends read stuff that doesn't interest me, all I want to do when I pick up a book is finish it. I hate it. I know I should be reading more to be educated and all, I just don't know exactly what to read.
My friend and I have come to the conclusion that I like Steinbeck/Orwell kind of stuff, not fiction or fantasy, but told in a surrealistic way. I also like government conspiracies, and philosophy. My parents won't let me even read the book A Clockwork Orange..ugh..so my question is, what are some really good books/authors I might enjoy to expand my brainn? (link)
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These types of books are called 'dystopias.' Some common dystopias are:
The Handmaid's Tale
1984
A Clockwork Orange
The Giver
Children of the Dust
Animal Farm
Neuromancer
Some uncommon ones are:
The House of Stairs
The Midwich Cukoos
Ender's Game
Brother in the Land
Gathering Blue
These are just a few of them - this is my favourite type of book, too, so let me know if you have any other questions!
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Everyone at my school is calling me fat! The last time I checked the scale I weighed 144 pounds! But I gain weekly! I hate my weight! I am very self consious and I've tryed diets but they haven't been working. So lately I have been making myself throw up after very meal! Is it really that harmful? This seems like my last resourt! What should I do! My friends are worrying sick about me! The only thing wrong with this is that it makes me feel kindly weak! But mostly when I get hot or something! What should I do? (link)
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Throwing up after you eat can lead to a disease called bulimia; bulimia is VERY hard to overcome.
Physical problems from throwing your food up:
Not getting enough nutrients
Rotting the enamel on your teeth
Causing abrasions in your throat
Abrasions can lead to throat cancer
Dizziness
Fainting
Hair falling out
Heart problems
And the list goes on and on and on...
Sometimes people overeat because they feel anxious or sad - and it sounds like the people in your school aren't making things easy for you. But it ALSO sounds like you have a great group of friends who really care about you.
144 is not obsese. Depending on your height, that's not even overweight.
A good strategy could be to stop gaining weight, but not actively seek to lose weight. Toning exercises can sleeken the look of your body, giving you a really healthy look (and making your muscles healthier!).
Best of luck.
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does anyone know how to get rid of disscharge...its so gross i know but i really want to be sexually active but its holding me back (link)
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Discharge isn't gross - it's your body's way of keeping your vagina clean and healthy. Discharge can happen in small amounts daily and shouldn't seriously affect your life. If it smells very strong or is a strange colour, you'll need to see a doctor.
Your normal discharge won't be noticeable during sexual activities because your vagina will produce a special type of lubrication. This is your body's way of making sex safer for you - less painful, easier to insert penis/fingers/etc into your vagina, etc. This is a natural response to feeling excited, and while it may seem strange, it's perfectly normal.
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ok say you go get tested and they say you have herpes, how will they know if the herpes was from giving someone head or if it was from air borne herpes(which is when u can get it just by breathing in the air) or if it was from switching saliva. like by sharing drinks.. whats the difference.. and if u go get tested and you have herpes how can they tell which one you have..???? (link)
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There are only 2 types of herpes.
One is oral and appears as cold sores or fever blisters. This appears ABOVE the waist.
The other is genital herpes, genital sores or sores BELOW the waist.
The viruses look the same under a microscope, and either CAN affect the opposite side of the body, but most commonly it's oral-top and genital-bottom.
It sounds like you or someone you care about is worried someone else might have been unfaithful. Herpes is not a curable virus, but if you feel you have been exposed it's important to be tested as there is medication which can keep it under control.
Hope I helped.
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ok so im 13 and ive been going out wit this guy for like 2 days...and when i tell people they go...omg eww i cant believe ur going out with him...or people will walk up to me and be like ewww i cant believe u even like that kid...its not everyone but most people and its really annoying and i really really like him...wat should i do to make them stop? (link)
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You can't make them stop. All you can do is date who you want to date and not worry about what other people think.
I know it can be stressful and annoying when people make comments like this, but ultimately YOU are in charge of your life and what makes you happy - not them.
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ok. this might be long and if it is im sorry. anyway. first of all, im 14/f. i said i would always be straight, but there is this one girl. shes 17/f. i dont no. just every time i no im goin to see her i get VERY happy. when i dont see her i kind of get depressed. we play softball together in the fall. she only talks to me then. whenever softball is over, we barely talk. when i see her and she doesnt say anything to me, it kills me. when she looks at me and smiles, i go crazy. i want to be like her and have everything she has. it kills me. she is also graduating next year and i will prolly rarely ever see her after that. and that thought CRUSHES me. sometimes i cry myself to sleep because i can barely talk to her. i want to get to no her and maybe (?) start a special bond with her. also, she is bi (i think, that is what everyone says). whatever she asks me to do for her, i will do it in a heartbeat. is this really a crush, love, or jealousy? im tellin you, i CANNOT live without this girl! (link)
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I'd say this is a crush, because you're not in a year round friendship, so it could be hard to be genuinely in love with her. But crushes have the potential to turn into more.
Unfortunately, her going away to college next year makes things much more difficult. It's an age difference that wouldn't matter if you were in your late twenties, but at this point it does. I'd say - enjoy your crush and your feelings.
Maybe take some risks and approach HER. I've heard it's better to regret the things you've done rather than the ones you haven't - I don't know if that's true or not, but imagine how you might feel if school ended and you had never tried to get closer to her.
If things don't work out, don't fear. I'm sure a girl (or guy, whatever!) your own age will come along. You could be gay, and this crush could be a SAFE way of being gay as so far you haven't had to really risk your feelings with this person. Lots of people do this sort of thing, so you're not alone!!
Best of luck.
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Hello, Im 28 and I was talking to a member of the opposite sex online one day, and I asked them what they were wearing at that time. They replied with the type of clothing they were wearing. They then unexpectedly turned the question around on me and said that since they had answered my question, I had to answer the same one for them. After some persuasion, I timidly admited that I was actually naked at that time. They did not take offence at knowing this. It felt risque at first, but afterwards, I felt kinda releaved to have been able to tell a member of the opposite sex that I was nude. Was it wrong to tell someone of the opposite sex about my nudity when chatting with them? Anyone else have any oppinions or suggestions? (link)
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You wouldn't have asked this person what they were wearing if you didn't want this conversation to happen - whether you realized that was your intent or not.
As an adult, you can choose to tell anyone anything you want online. It's important to remember that many younger people pretend to be older, so you could be telling these things inappropriately to a much younger person - which is an offense.
I wonder why you felt 'relieved' to be able to tell someone you were nude. This suggests that you have some issues in that area - but please rest assured that you were born nude. It's a natural state.
Telling someone you are nude will probably lead to a more 'physical' conversation. If you are seeking out an emotional connection, it might be best to skip the nudity thing.
Best of luck.
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okay im 16and me and my boyfriend have been goin out 4 2 years now we had a massive argument da ova day and he put a knife to my throat and ses he would kill me if i shouted at him like that again i really like him thought and he dont always act like that but now im scared just to have an argument with him ive talked 2 him about it and he ses im being stupid bt i dont wana break up with him what do i do? (link)
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Anyone who puts a knife to your throat is threatening your life. Anyone who threatens your life is not mentally stable. Anyone who threatens your life does not genuinely love you.
Everyone fights, and if you feel you can't express your opinion you could be moving into dangerous territoy. This could become a hugely abusive relationship - if it isn't already. This means that you live in fear of being yourself. You have to choose between being yourself and risking violence or hiding yourself to make your boyfriend happy.
Relationships ending are always tough, but you deserve someone who will treat you with respect. The only way you will find that person is to treat YOURSELF with respect.
You are not stupid.
You are being abused.
It's not your fault.
You can help yourself.
If you really resist the idea of breaking up with him and ending this abusive relationship, then your only real option is to demand that he get professional help. There is free counselling available for teenagers almost everywhere, and if he isn't willing to accept responsibilty, you need to end things with him.
If he really loved you, he would VALUE and LISTEN to your concerns. Best of luck. Be smart.
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17/F
Ok, so I lost my virginity to my boyfriend the friday before last. I love him more than anything. But the other day he told me that a couple weeks ago he got really drunk and ended up having sex with one of our girl friends who was there. He is really truly sorry. When he told me he was crying hysterically, and kept telling me that he made a mistake. And I knew he was really sorry and felt horrible. We spent a long time crying together but eventually we got through it. He told me everything that happened, and I forgave him. We're still together, but it seems like I can't trust him the same. It's like when I'm not there, I'm scared hes going to do something again. I don't know why I feel this way when I forgave him, and we're actually better than before. How can I get myself to trust him like I did before??
Thanks to anyone who answers. (link)
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I think there is a different between forgiving and forgeting. If you were able to forgive him quickly, I would question your dedication to yourself.
Losing your virginity to this person might've cemented in your mind that you are meant to be together, but that shouldn't affect your judgement.
Yes, he made a mistake. A mistake that he CHOSE to commit. Sex doesn't just happen. There's flirting, huggging, kissing, making out, etc. At any point he could have chosen to stop. Alcohol does not give people a pass to do whatever they want; it's not a good excuse.
If you've considered all of this and genuinely think you can forgive him for the RIGHT reasons, then you can't expect yourself to automatically forget the sitation. You've been deeply hurt.
Trust might never come again, or it might come months or years down the line. Cheating is a deep wound in a relationship; it shows one person is not committed or loving towards the other, and the person who's been cheated on will need loads of time to believe she can trust him again.
If you want to be with this guy, you just need to give yourself - and your relationship - the time to heal. Glossing things over and trying to wear a brave face will only make things harder to deal with. I know it's painful, but unless you work through the pain you can't come out the other side.
Best of luck.
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