Ok, so I lost my virginity to my boyfriend the friday before last. I love him more than anything. But the other day he told me that a couple weeks ago he got really drunk and ended up having sex with one of our girl friends who was there. He is really truly sorry. When he told me he was crying hysterically, and kept telling me that he made a mistake. And I knew he was really sorry and felt horrible. We spent a long time crying together but eventually we got through it. He told me everything that happened, and I forgave him. We're still together, but it seems like I can't trust him the same. It's like when I'm not there, I'm scared hes going to do something again. I don't know why I feel this way when I forgave him, and we're actually better than before. How can I get myself to trust him like I did before??
Thanks to anyone who answers.
alisonmarie answered Tuesday May 17 2005, 4:33 pm: I think there is a different between forgiving and forgeting. If you were able to forgive him quickly, I would question your dedication to yourself.
Losing your virginity to this person might've cemented in your mind that you are meant to be together, but that shouldn't affect your judgement.
Yes, he made a mistake. A mistake that he CHOSE to commit. Sex doesn't just happen. There's flirting, huggging, kissing, making out, etc. At any point he could have chosen to stop. Alcohol does not give people a pass to do whatever they want; it's not a good excuse.
If you've considered all of this and genuinely think you can forgive him for the RIGHT reasons, then you can't expect yourself to automatically forget the sitation. You've been deeply hurt.
Trust might never come again, or it might come months or years down the line. Cheating is a deep wound in a relationship; it shows one person is not committed or loving towards the other, and the person who's been cheated on will need loads of time to believe she can trust him again.
If you want to be with this guy, you just need to give yourself - and your relationship - the time to heal. Glossing things over and trying to wear a brave face will only make things harder to deal with. I know it's painful, but unless you work through the pain you can't come out the other side.
Van_10 answered Tuesday May 17 2005, 6:35 am: hi there,
how are you, i now that you must be in pain, at least he admitted it, maybe because you were going to find out anyway, if he said he was so upset why didnt he tell you immediately ?
how can you trust someone who has betrayed you like that? there has to be forgiveness but can you really forget and get over it ? i don't think any woman can get over it? why didnt he tell you before you gave him your virginity ? he waited until you both done it then confessed
all i can say is, if your love is strong and you are able to forgive and forget and not throw it at his face with every oportunity go for it. [ Van_10's advice column | Ask Van_10 A Question ]
DrAnqel answered Monday May 16 2005, 9:56 pm: I've been through the same exact thing, exactly. There's no way that if he'll do it once he won't do it again. I'm sorry, but if you don't want to get hurt, you need to end this relationship. I'm only telling you because it's happened to me and it's really unfortunate. No matter how sorry or great or perfect he is, guys are endlessly testing their limits with their girlfriends. If you really want to jump back into the relationship, there will be no trust and you might as well put him on a leash. I hope I helped, and I hope you do the right thing. Good luck! -Angel [ DrAnqel's advice column | Ask DrAnqel A Question ]
mArKs_advize answered Monday May 16 2005, 9:15 pm: Your boyfriend doesnt seem like that bad of guy because at least he admitted it. he could have easily kept it secret, but he was honest. you shouldnt be mad at him at all. Since he was crying, you can totally tell that he wouldnt even want to do something like that again and that he regreted it. You dont really have to worry about him doing it again because, he was drunk. It wasnt really his fault. being drunk entirely impairs your sense of right and wrong. i dont think you have to worry at all about him doing anything like that again so it is FINE to trust him [ mArKs_advize's advice column | Ask mArKs_advize A Question ]
Fallenangel_109 answered Monday May 16 2005, 8:47 pm: Ok i totally understand your situation cause ive had a girl that i know that happend to. What advice i can give you is if he truly is sorry then forgive him, BUT watch him like a hawk because you dont wanna get your heart broken. It rilly does seem like yall got it there for each other so ima jus leave it at watch him like you were joined at the hip for a while an then when ur sure hes not gonna slip up again give him a lil slack on the leash [ Fallenangel_109's advice column | Ask Fallenangel_109 A Question ]
ava123cat answered Monday May 16 2005, 8:45 pm: Losing your virginity is one of the most important things to a girl and naturally when you do it is generally going to be with someone you trust and have real feelings for. Naturally you are upset and hurt that just after you gave your boyfriend this precious thing he sleeps with another friend. My advice to you would be to dump him. He doesn't respect you and drink is definitely NO EXCUSE. He only told you incase someone would tell you first. Believe me there are plenty more guys!! [ ava123cat's advice column | Ask ava123cat A Question ]
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