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Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Member Since: July 16, 2007
Answers: 2588
Last Update: April 13, 2014
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13/f
My school went on a field trip to bush gardens(an amusement park)last Friday. wen we were in the area called jungala, my group and i were playing around in the nets. we were talking to almost everyone who passed by saying "hello whats your name?" and stuff like that. this one kid we said that too was like "my name's Dylan" and then he left. then a few minutes later he came back and sat with us and we were all talking. He's 14 and in 8th grade. He also gets his permit next month. then we exchanged numbers. then after talking for like an hour, he had to leave to go back home in Fort Desota. i live in Tampa, so we don't live far away. (only about a county away)then when he left he was texting my friend and he asked her if i liked him. i said no because hes not real cute, and we don't live near each other. So then he texted me. This was our conversation:
HIM: i have something to tell you
ME: What?
HIM: i like u A LOT.
ME: how we just met like an hour ago
HIM: because your pretty, funny, and cute.
(*then my friends told me to tell him*)
ME: wow that was cheesy
HIM: fine....you be hawt
ME: sorry but i have a boyfriend (when i dont)
so what should i do
(link)
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Ahaha.
Keep up the "I have a boyfriend" line, block him on every conceivable online contact method, and don't answer his phone calls or texts. If he doesn't let up the texting, consider having your phone number changed.
Also, don't give your number out to guys you've just met.
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First, I'd like to let you know that I have the utmost respect for you. I'm looking for advice exactly the way you give it. I'd like to give you as many details as possible so you can analyze the situation to the best of your ability, so this is going to be long...Here goes:
I'm a 22 year old female, and my boyfriend is 28. I know, big age difference, but we don't feel it at all. We've been together for just a few months, but we've been friends for years. He's turned into my best friend, and we've made it clear that we're not dating just to date; we're looking for something more permanent.
Before my current, I was trapped in an emotionally abusive/addictive relationship cycle with a guy who made me hate myself and even pushed me over the edge into anorexia. It got to the point that I thought the only way to feel better about myself was through a camera lens. I modeled nude for friends on two separate occasions. They're still close friends of mine and I'd trust either of them with my life. They assured me that they would not use the pictures or show them to anyone without my permission, and I believe them when they say they haven't. My boyfriend doesn't, but I can understand that.
One of my friends is going to gather up the photos from that shoot, and I'm going to pick them up tomorrow after work, so that's in the process.
The other friend, though, would be more than willing to give me the pictures and delete his digital copies, but his computer was fried during a lightning storm, so he can't get to them. The drive is not dead. My boyfriend is a computer tech, and actually has a device that would allow me to access the drive through my computer (or another computer) and delete what's necessary. Problem is my friend is saying there's personal stuff on there and he's not willing to let me do that. I've offered to pay him, I've offered to just be in the room when he accesses it and just hit the delete button when the time comes so I won't even see his personal stuff. He's putting it off and putting it off, and I don't know how to convince him to let me access the drive to delete my pictures. I need this to happen ASAP.
Am I wrong for wanting to do this?
But, these don't even seem to be the biggest problems...I have a tattoo between my shoulder blades of a butterfly with wings made out of treble clefs and bass clefs with tribal lines surrounding it - I designed it when I was sixteen or seventeen at the height of my vocal career. I originally went to college to pursue vocal performance, but had a major falling out with the music department because of some politics. After I "failed" my performance (during which I was forced to sing songs in the wrong range for me, so I couldn't sing to the best of my ability), I couldn't stop doubting myself, and didn't sing for about a year. At some point, I moved to my own apartment off campus, and as I was unpacking the boxes, I found the notebook and the tattoo design. I decided to get it because when I looked at it, I remembered that no matter what anyone says, I still have my music. I still have my talent, and no one can take it away from me. Every time I look at it, I remember that.
Even though my boyfriend is aware that this is the reason I have it, he is absolutely disgusted by it. He said, "People with tattoos are the epitome of trash. They're disgusting - tattoos mar the beauty of the human body. Instead of embracing your beauty and your incredible talent, you massacred yourself. All I can think about when I see that disgusting blotch on your skin is how many people have seen your naked body, and all those fucking photoshoots."
It may not be word-for-word, but that's pretty much what he said. He even went so far as to ask me if I could imagine raising a child with that mark on my back. He even warned me that it could be enough to stop our relationship from going anywhere, which really hurt. I don't feel comfortable wearing low-backed shirts anymore, and I don't feel comfortable with my back to him now. I've started to think about getting it removed because it's just not worth it to me anymore, if it causes this much difficulty for us. Realistically, right now, I do not have the money, but I could find a way...
It hurts that he's so closed-minded about tattoos, and he attributes a meaning to it other than the real one. He says if he didn't love me so much, none of it would matter, and I understand, but shouldn't he love all of me? Shouldn't he be willing to open his mind and heart to my flaws and love me despite them?
I don't know how he can be so prejudiced against people with tattoos and think they're so low-class and disgusting when he claims not to think that about me. I work in an outpatient mental health office (I'm a secretary), and EVERYONE in that office has at least one tattoo. When I pointed this out in an effort to demonstrate that tattoos don't make people low-class or disgusting, he basically said they all have psychological problems because they work in the mental health field. That hurt, because I want to be a psychologist. He's a great guy, and he really, deeply, truly loves me. I really want to find a way to work this out, and so does he.
So, I don't know what to do or how to think about this. The only request I have to make is that you don't simply say, "Dump him." I'd really like you to take some time to analyze this.
Thank you for your time. (link)
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That is indeed a lot of information to process.
My first thoughts are along the lines of "Wow, what a nice list of giant red flags"
At 28, he should be more aware and less egocentric. The disgust is alarming. While I somewhat understand the mindset of "your body is a temple" he should be willing to understand and respect a different point of view.
That streak of unchecked arrogance he's got could very well kill the relationship after you've been dealing with it for half a decade.
Another thing that alarms me is that he's got you calling your personal choices "flaws". Tattoo removal to save the relationship? You're buying into his bullshit because you think that amounts to compromise. And in a way you are compromising.
Compromising yourself. Don't do that. Not for anyone. It's one thing to try to be a better person for your partner, or to not do something that annoys the shit out of them. It's another to try to undo a decision that has meaning just because this guy's that much of an asshole about it.
I can tell that your boyfriend has a very forceful personality. I imagine he can get pretty angry. He's also...
Blanket generalizations are something people do when they're too arrogant and too ignorant to actually have anything worthwhile to say. Dismissing your profession, disgust expressed because of his prejudices, and I'm sure you've only scratched the surface of some fairly toxic opinions.
If you want this relationship to continue, he's got some growing up to do. Along those lines
- You need to express that your tattoo and the decision to get it are a part of who you are, and he doesn't get to love you in spite of whatever aspects. You need to express that your body is part of your identity, and so is music, and in your opinion wearing that on your skin is a reminder to yourself and others and an expression of self that you value.
- You need to let him know that he doesn't get to win arguments by making stupid generalizations like "people in the mental health field have issues"
- You need to let him know that the way he's spoken to you is degrading. Using things like the generalizations above and direct expressions of disgust is degrading to you. He is prejudiced against things and will insult or dismiss them instead of trying to expand his horizons and learn something new or see the world a different way.
That is unacceptable, and is the biggest issue for me. Dismissive is one thing, but he was openly insulting, and when you tried to reason with him he sank into irrational assholery.
If there's one thing I personally find disgusting, it's people who cover their ignorance or the fact that they've lost an argument by turning into an asshole. It's juvenile and extremely self centered, he basically does not want to admit that he might be wrong and so he makes you feel like shit so you want to drop the argument.
See through this. You've got to break him of it or you're going to have to break up.
Think about this. Start a conversation, and confront him in what way you think best.
There are two warnings that I want to give you.
First, keep a VERY close eye on his temper. Watch when it flares up, and why. Watch that arrogance too, see if and when he descends into insults and stupidity. These are attempts to manipulate you into giving him his way.
Do not let them succeed. If he gets insulting, stop the conversation and tell him you will resume if and when he feels like giving the woman he loves due respect.
Don't let him wind himself up. Do not tolerate it, leave the room if you have to (let him know that you'll come back when he's not acting like a child) and keep the conversation calm at all costs.
Use this as a test to evaluate him. See if he is willing, starting from a calm and mutually constructive standpoint, to change an opinion. Or if he holds onto it and fights you on it and uses anger and condescension to try to beat you into submission.
Second, watch yourself. It's very easy to let someone as forceful as this guy probably is to steamroll over you. Watch the reactions he generates in you, if he makes you feel inferior, stupid, small, or otherwise belittled.
Pay attention to these because in the moment, that's what he wants you to feel. He's not been described as an overly controlling asshole, but he's definitely arrogant and he's willing to loose that to not be wrong.
You need to let him know he can be wrong in front of you and you won't lose respect for him. At the same time, you need to let him know that you're intelligent and independent in your own right and YOU are right this time. His behavior has been unacceptable, and if he expects to be in an adult relationship he needs to conduct himself as an adult.
Last, the hard drive issue. Yes, I'd say thats important. Random nudes dwelling outside your control are never something fun you want to have to worry about.
You need to pursue that, and keep on it. Daily. Tell him you need this done regardless of whatever personal data he doesn't want you to see. Personally, I wouldn't trust him at this point. I'd demand the drive and just destroy it. Tell him that you want it gone and you don't want to have to worry about it, and if he can't let you scour that drive clean of pictures yourself that you want it smashed with a hammer into many small pieces.
Really final note: My advice is a next step. The confrontation will tell you alot about his motives and willingness to change, and his reactions will give you a good bit of insight into his character.
If you don't feel the need for a followup, then good luck. If the situation worsens or you've got something still on your mind about it, bring back news of the things I told you to pay attention to, if you can remember fairly close to accurate dialogue between the two of you that would help me a good bit.
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I broke up with my long distance ex-boyfriend 3 weeks ago. I've decided no contact with him is best for me to get over him, so we haven't spoken in 2 weeks so far.
The 1st week was a little hard, 2nd week easier, and this 3rd week's been going good. Until today.
I found out today he is now in a new relationship. It's been 3 weeks!! Well, 2 since we talked.
I was doing soo well, not crying over him/thinking about him as much..and then this shocker happens. It's like I'm right back at square one. But I left him because he treated me like crap, and I KNOW I deserve better. But we dated for 10 months, and knew each other for 1 year. And he's with another girl in 3 weeks?! He told me his ex-girl before me took him 2 years to get over!!!
I just need advice. I REALLY WANT to get over him, I know he's not the person for me, but obviously I still care for him. I know it takes time. I think not talking to him helps, the only thing is I still sometimes go on his facebook and twitter. (Facebook is how I found out about the new gf, which everyone commented on congratulating him :/) Should I block these websites and just force myself to rid my brain of everything that involves him? Please, any advice would help. It's like a slap in the face knowing that he moved on fast, so this just adds more hurt to my heart. Thanks. (link)
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Stop contact.
First off, I honestly couldn't tell you why he's moved on so quickly. It's possible that he's not over you and is so lonely that he's rebounding hard on anyone who will fill your spot. It's possible he's just looking for easy sex and putting on a brave face. It's possible that he's a manipulative asshole who used you for everything you could get, walked away without giving a shit, and has moved on to his next victim.
I don't know. Honestly, I doubt you do either.
So stop thinking about it.
There is nothing for you to be gained by keeping yourself in touch. Whatever his moving on means to him, he is. If you keep returning yourself here, you won't.
Something you should understand, guys don't process emotions as clearly as women do. Generally speaking, it takes a hell of alot more self examination to understand what's behind why we feel like shit. So most of the time we just fill empty spaces in our lives and try to make things stop hurting.
Being occupied makes us forget. Being happy helps us forget. It's why you never want to be a guys rebound, because as soon as he actually IS over whatever was fucking with him, he's going to re-evaluate the entire relationship. It's not uncommon for guys to date girls they never would during a rebound period just because it's easier to deal with someone who's right in front of you than to go hunting and spend time alone.
Bottom lining it, you probably don't know this guy all that well, people can still be very walled off after 10 months, and you don't know why he's out there. You don't need to either. All you need to know is that it's over, and it's time to move on yourself.
Every time you think about him, see him, are exposed to him, it's going to hurt. Get a book. A PSP or Nintendo DS. An iPod. Something you can carry around to entertain yourself when you start thinking of him. Good books are great breakup helpers, it lets you pretend you're not living your life for a while. Work to forget. Stop yourself from visiting websites. Block him, delete his numbers, do whatever you have to.
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i need help. i have a friend that i am IN LOVE with. we are both 13. hes my neighbor. i know he likes me because he flirts with me ALL THE TIME. so my question is......how do i get him to ask me out. (ps he asked me out at the beginning of the year and i told him i wasn't aloud because my mom doesn't want me to go out with my neighbor. but im willing to hid it from my mom because i LOVE him)
so what should i do????
Thank you in advance. (link)
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Be obvious. At 13 neither of you really know a ton about dating or about the opposite sex. A big part of what you learn through dating is some of how the other gender thinks. This is especially important for us guys because while we work off mostly logic, women work off mostly emotion. Half of what you do makes no sense to us because we'd never do it ourselves and thus can't figure out why you're doing it.
What all this means, is that flirting, hints, and many other ways you might try to let him know how you feel are likely to sail right over his head. At 13 I didn't have a clue what was really going on when I was getting flirted with, this kid likely won't either.
That means you should be a bit more obvious about it. Tell him. Don't jump out with "love", but something along the lines of "I like you alot and friends isn't enough" wouldn't be unreasonable. Probably sounds scary, believe me I get that, but it sounds like you already told him no. If that's true, he might well be completely backed off, and since you told him no at some point up front you're going to have to be up front about the fact that it's actually a yes.
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my kids father took me to court a year ago. His wife wanted him to lower chld support, get rid of kids medical, all so he could continue to pay for her 4 kids. he covered all of her kids (none are his)on medical and asked to drop mine. They submitted a request and made me sit there until i agreed to sign over my son for tax purposes, drop medical, and lower support. A mediator submitted a form and i was supposed to be notified of the outcome. Thing is, the judge denied it. There are no court papers on file, i went to the courthouse yesterday. He gave the original mediators request to a tax preparer, who claimed my son, and gives the same INVALID paper to his employers so that he doesnt have to pay medical. we both claimed my son and now I am wondering how much trouble he could get in for showing this false paper to everyone. I told him i wouldnt sign my sons exeption paper because he never sees the kids and is always behind on support. His felon exwife drew up these papers by the way. Am I missing something. The court has nothing on record for me to see?he has a$5000 return and is $2500 behind on support, is jobless and wont pay a penny o me.what can be done? thanks guys! (link)
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Do not repeat what happened. The judge denied it because you're an idiot.
Who gives a fuck what he wants. It's your kids (and his kids) that are in the balance here. You need to speak to a lawyer. You've allowed two people who are entirely selfishly motivated to lead you into a legal circus you do not know how to get yourself out of or even sort out into a coherent set of problems.
Get legal advice from a lawyer. Now, before the IRS starts talking about auditing you both for his fraudulent filings.
Sue him for every penny you can get if he violates the orders for child support. Do not sign ANYTHING he hands you unless your lawyer has looked over every inch of it first. Do not show up to any court proceedings, mediations, or anything else that your ex and his bitch set up without a lawyer present _and_ having been served a subpoena.
As I said, Lawyer up. On Monday, make time for t his, don't wait an extra day to get it done. Start with a family law attorney or firm, get them to look into the tax issue for you and get a letter sent to his employer with the correct paperwork so that your son gets put back on his insurance ASAP.
You are letting two self serving assholes lead you around by the nose, and only some Judge who's inclined to read through things saved your ass at this point. Take advantage of the gift that strange man or woman has given you, and go contact a lawyer.
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Okay, so I know that I am bisexual. Well, kinda. I am sexually attracted to girls, but I would never date or marry one. I guess you could say I favor guy, but I get really aroused when thinking about girls, or having sex with a girl. My question is, do most girls think like this but are afraid to show it ? Nobody really knows this about me, and I feel like.. how could a girl NOT feel this way ? I know that there are some girls who are completely straight and would think that is disgusting.. but I go to a large school and out of all my friends, all of them claim to be "stright". Is this true ? (link)
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It's been theorized (without an overwhelming amount of supporting evidence) that most people are less straight or gay than they seem. Guys and girls alike, most people have some latent ability to be attracted to the same sex or the opposite sex if they're gay/lesbian.
The "straight" orientation comes with expectations of both genders. While it's a bit worse for guys, everyone who identifies as straight is supposed to behave in certain ways, and stepping outside those roles in any visible way is considered to "infringe" upon that straight identity.
A straight woman who wants to be considered feminine will often be concerned about being thought of as a "dyke" or any other more masculine negative stereotypes about lesbians. The same way straight guys are tirelessly paranoid about doing something that might justify being called "fag"
The world (stupidly) views masculine and feminine as two separate opposites. The truth is that everyone has some degree of both inside them. People will try to emphasize one side and deny another because that's what people tell them they're supposed to be, and it causes alot of the reactions you've seen.
It's also been theorized (with a bit more supporting evidence) that people who exhibit strong homophobia often have stronger latent desires towards the same sex which conflict with their worldview of right and wrong, or acceptable and not. This cognitive dissonance causes the extreme reactions like disgust at the idea of being labeled as what you're trying to pretend is no part of you.
When it comes to people and relationships, things change. There's a scale of sexuality, but relationships are black and white. Most people who are bisexual are like you, tending towards dating one sex but open and even enthusiastic about sleeping with both sexes. There's a good chance that some of your straight friends have some sexual tendencies towards the same sex, but it's likely that none of them would ever be able to actually date the same sex, even if they genuinely wanted to give it a try for some reason.
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iv been with my boyfriend for almost two months and im starting to question if we should stay together. we are perfect other than at times he is veryyyy immature and he is younger than me and a mamas boy. he asks his mom everything even advice about us, laughs at words 3yo's do and carrys a big red bookbag n puts it between us in the car saying its a barrior for a flood, wouldnt even let me buy a new lighter bc his mom wouldnt approve. he goes out of his way to talk to my mom ALOT and i hate my mom... but hes so sweet and im starting to love him, but i did just get out of a few year long serious relationship, should i ride it out or try and move on? and whats some advice as to how i can fix how he does all that? (link)
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Move on.
The older he gets, the worse this will grate on you. Immature and younger is one thing, mamma's boy is something else. He's got to grow out of that on his own. If you stay with him, one of two things will happen. Either you'll break up later because you expect him to stop being mother's little bitch and he doesn't, or you'll be the one who gets blamed when he does grow up a little bit and mommy has to blame someone for the fact her little boy doesn't worship her anymore.
Step out of that landmine of family drama now. You're 16, deal with that shit in your 20s when you might actually care about the guy in question to be thinking about settling down with him.
And honestly, don't date younger guys until the younger guy is at least drinking age. Men mature late when it comes to emotional intelligence, you're kneecapping yourself to date someone younger at 16.
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My friend (we are both 16-year-old girls), was recently sexually assaulted by a 15-year-old boy at school who is her ex-boyfriend. The police are involved and so are the teachers and school. (the assault happened at school. It wasnt rape, he just touched her innapropraitely and tried to do stuff. Also the boy and her broke up months ago and he seemed ok with it)
My friend is taking it ok. She is upset and angry and stressed, but she is a very strong girl and hasn't been emotionally affected as bad as people usually are.
The thing is, I dont know what to say to her. When this subject is brought up i dont know what to say. When she told me about it i didnt know what to say. And recently she told me that her dad cant look at her and called her a "slut" and he "cant belive she is her daughter". I think that this is completely outrageous and horrible, but i dont think i should say that to my friend because it is her father.
I just need advice on what to actually say. Should I just say nothing at all? What if she just says "I dont know what to do" which she does say alot. How do I respond to that? How do I respond to someone telling me they have been sexually assaulted by their ex?
I just need to know what to say and how to comfort her. (link)
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Honestly, this is less about talking and more about listening. Your friend more than advice probably needs a safe, non-judgemental rock to retreat to when she needs someone to share things with that she can't with anyone else.
That's you.
Tell her that you're there for her whenever she needs, and that anything she tells you will never be heard by another living soul. Ask her how things are going occasionally and listen. Don't try to solve her problems, just try to be someone she can trust to stand with her through them. The things you should say to her are just your honest opinions you've already said here. Keep up the quiet message that this isn't her fault. Keep letting her know that her father is wrong without attacking him.
And her "I don't know what to do" statements? Tell her that she needs to think about it when she can, and she needs to talk to someone about it when she can, and otherwise just try to put it behind her as best she can. Ask her what she's feeling and thinking, and when she tells you let her know that you understand (as best you can) and that shit is going to be OK.
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My boyfriend and I have had unprotected sex. I was due on my period last Saturday. The Thursday before I bled, but only a very little bit. I then didn't come on or bleed for a full week until the next Thursday, where I again only bled a little. Did I come on my period? I've never missed one since I've started... Could I be pregnant? I'm confused! (link)
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Give it two weeks, and take a test.
And on to the "your cycle" speech. I should notepad this...
Sperm can survive up to a week inside your body, it's not overly likely (they have to get up into the fallopian tubes) but it is very possible.
You ovulate on the 14th day after your period (generally). This means that sex seven days after a period ends can potentially get you pregnant. This possibility pretty much continues until your period ends when you can guarantee that the egg has been flushed out. Though, because human bodies can do weird shit for strange reasons, even that's not 100%
If sperm and egg connect, the fertilized ovum must attach to the side of the uterus, which can take anywhere from 3-12 days after conception.
So, assuming that your period just ended, wait two weeks (over 12 days) and take a test. If you are pregnant from the unprotected sex that you had, two weeks from this past Thursday should be long enough for you to tell. If it's negative, you should be in the clear, and it'll only be a little while longer until your next period to be absolutely sure. If you miss another period, take another test. If that too is negative then your period is just being abnormal to freak you out.
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18f.
i want to wear my extensions when i'm going to have sex. wearing my extensions makes me just feel really hot and have alot more confidence. the thing i'm worried about is .. there clip in extensions so they could easily be pulled out,etc.
have any of you girls worn clip in extensions during sex and had them come out? pretty embarassing that would be .. but i'd really like to wear them.. (link)
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If I was having sex with a girl and her extensions fell out, I would ask why she was wearing them during sex. If I got an answer even remotely resembling "I need extensions to be confident in bed" I would make excuses as to why I had to leave and never call her again.
Insecurity can be a turn off, but acting on insecurity in this manner is a definite turn off. I don't know a single other guy who'd be any different. Ask any of us what we liked about a girl during sex, I guarantee that if you got a million answers that not a single one of them would be "what her hair looks like during sex"
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19/F
I just got out of my first year of college. I became friends with an RA in the building and we eventually turned into best friends. I immediately developed feelings. During the first few months I knew him (Oct-Dec), everyone was sure that he had a crush on me, or at least was interested. For example: we would fall asleep and cuddle with each other, he would kiss my hand (he doesn't do that with ANYONE), he would call me beautiful and compliment me all the time(again not normal, he's not very open about things like that), would want to stand by ME during football games, and over Winter Break we talked every night online from 1am-5am (literally).
He was really cute with me, but in January or so he became weird and distant with me. One night he drunkenly came in my room and started talking about hot girls and just being a jerk, and I, who was drunk as well, got hurt by this so I cried and called him an asshole and told him he had been treating me terribly. During the next week he was mad and kept asking me why I said those things, and I responded "I can't tell you". He eventually forgave me but later on that week, his best friend told me that this guy knew the whole time that I had feelings for him, and he didn't want anything. His best friends words were "he's really f***ed up right now, he needs time to figure things out. He really freaked out when he found out you liked him. He just sees you as a friend. Maybe in the future...."
That weekend we hung out again, he was drunk and I was sober. He said, "I know why you were mad, but I want you to tell me yourself." I told him I would tell him when he wasn't drunk, but he kept pushing the issue. He ended up dropping the subject and then asked me to stay the night. We cuddled again that night.
He became weird/rude again to me and my friends so we just stopped talking to him altogether. Then randomly, in early April, he started being friendly with me again. He apologized and his best friend told me that he had been going through things. I forgave him and we got close again. Just me, not my other friends (who used to be close with him). We became totally fine and started frequenting each other a lot. We also started cuddling again and falling asleep with each other. When I was leaving school to go home, he raced to the dorms (he was out, eating) just so he could say goodbye to me. And now he's been telling me that he misses me all the time, we skype a lot, and I feel like he likes me again just based on his mannerisms. Another weird thing is that he kept talking about this girl who he WASN'T interested in at all, but he would give it a chance because she TOLD him that she was interested in him. & he kept saying that last part over and over again randomly in conversation. (this girl really is all over him, she texts/ims/calls constantly even when he doesn't reply) Just thought it was weird because keep in mind I never admitted to him my feelings.
Do you think it's worth it for me to try again, or should I just move on? (link)
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Christ girl.
Be honest. You're into him. If he's into you, you two need to work that shit out. If he isn't, you need to know so you can move on and stop hanging around him (because it's not a good idea to be around a friend you want to date as badly as you obviously do)
Sit him down. Tell him that you like him, want to date him, and if he feels the same way he needs to man up and make a move.
Something like "I like you. And I know things have been screwed up, but this is screwing me up too. If you feel the same way, come over here now and fucking kiss me. If you don't, let me know now so I can start getting over this" should work just fine.
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What is the differents between cock worship and blow job? (link)
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The first is a sexual fetish, the second is a sexual act.
A fetish is defined as loving or being turned on by a specific object in a way that is identifiable separately from normal sexual drives.
As a similar example, foot fetish is when someone is turned on simply by seeing, being around, or thinking about feet. By way of example, two people can give a foot massage, the person with the fetish will be turned on during the massage because they are touching feet, while both will enjoy the fact that the massage is being enjoyed by the receiving party.
That's what I mean when I said "Identifiable separately", in the above example the desire to touch, be near, or see feet is separate from the desire to give someone a massage that they enjoy.
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how far should you go with a guy at age 13...and don't say "however far you wanna go"--thanks (link)
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Imagine yourself in a pair of shorts which aren't Daisy Dukes and a one piece swimsuit.
Don't let him touch anywhere the clothes cover.
At 13 I'm going to assume you're talking about a guy who's 16 or under. If that's wrong, stop talking to him, you don't need to be around guys four years older than you anytime in the next couple of years.
You're both underage which means you both aren't supposed to be doing sexual stuff with each other. Kissing is fine, it's not considered overtly sexual. While kissing, like I said, don't let him touch you places that would be covered by the clothes I had you picture.
There are types of non sexual touching you can explore though, things that shouldn't land you in situations you aren't ready to deal with yet. Massage is an easy one. Sit him down (or sit down) on the floor in front of a couch or chair, the other person sits in the chair, and you rub each others shoulders, neck, even scalp (scalp massages are awesome)
You can also have one of you lie face down and have the other rub your back. It's relaxing, it's fun to give or receive, and it should keep you out of trouble.
A tip, and I'm a guy so trust me when I say I know what I'm talking about, boys push boundaries. Whatever you're comfy with, they're going to want to do more. They might ask, they might sneak a hand where it isn't supposed to be, people get caught up in the moment and often times doing one thing makes you want to do others.
You should stand by what you are comfortable with and whats appropriate. When someone passes your boundaries, you should stop them, show them what is appropriate, and expect them to adhere to it. If you're kissing and a guy goes for a boob feel, take his hand and put it back on your shoulder, arm, or neck where it belongs. If he tries it again, let him know that he can stop trying or stop everything.
Understand that relationships and physical intimacy are about what two people want to do together and are OK with doing together. When someone pushes you past your boundaries, it is ALWAYS within your rights to stop whatever is going on any second you choose to. That's how this works.
Now, onto the warnings.
Most (90 percent probably) of guys have some degree of asshole in them. It's the same side of us that, as adults, drives us to want to sleep with every woman we find even moderately attractive that walks into view.
Part of becoming an adult man is learning to control this side for the appropriate moments. I still push boundaries (or would, were I not married), and generally I steadily progress the physical relationship when dating a girl unless she throws up a stop sign. Even so, the last girl I dated I slept with fairly quickly, and she felt we'd moved too fast and wanted to wait a while before we repeated.
I never did anything more than tell her what I wanted. I pushed without making anything a requirement, and she filled in the blanks and did something she wasn't comfy with just because I was horny and willing to say so.
Don't be this girl. I'm not dating her anymore for a reason.
There will be assholes. Guys who will do anything they can to get laid, say whatever they can, who will tell you that you should do something, that it's required, who will make you feel immature, inexperienced, young, or otherwise inferior because you aren't doing exactly what they want when they want it.
These guys deserve a swift kick in the balls, and a swift breakup afterwards. Do not waste your time on men or boys who tell you that you are inferior for doing things at your own pace.
Other guys around your age though, might push just because they have no idea what they're doing. Guys who might say you should do something and then back off when you confidently state that you're not going there yet. Pay more attention to these guys, they just have growing up to do.
The point of all of this is to add "I don't", "I won't" and "No" to your vocabulary and to make you comfortable with using them. It'll keep the assholes away, they'll search for girls who listen when they tell them what to do. And it'll get respect from the rest of guys who are interested and just a bit too horny for their own good.
A last bit.
It is likely that there will be people around you who go alot further, and people around you who don't go anywhere near as far as you want to go or are comfy with sexually. In your case, there are 13 year olds who are having sex and 13 year olds who wouldn't let a guy anywhere near even kissing them or touching them.
The ones who AREN'T doing anything are generally pretty quiet. They're fine with what they do and don't (usually) feel too much of a need to make others be like them.
The ones who are doing stuff are generally loud about it. Especially the ones having sex, a 13 year old having sex knows it's frowned upon, and so he or she is going to want to encourage others to be like them, they're going to tell people who don't want to do things that they're abnormal.
Don't let people get to you. Teenagers tell each other what is "right" or "normal" based on what they want "right" and "normal" to be. A guy who wants blowjobs will make it seem like it's expected. A girl who fucks a new guy every weekend is going to tell you that "hooking up" is normal and everyone does it so she's not the only one slutting it up.
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My parents have been divorced for several years now and until about a year ago I've had a good relationship with both of them. I live with my mom and I used to see my dad every second weekend. Then about two years ago he got re-married. At first things were going good and then she got pregnant and my step-sister was born just before Christmas. I spent last Christmas with them and that was the last time I've seen my dad. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden he just stopped calling me. I used to try and call him but he never answered the phone or was too busy to see me. So I've basically given up. It's gotten to the point the point I don't even want to see him anymore because I really feel like he doesn't care. Everyone tells me I need to re-establish a relationship with him, and I've been thinking about it, but he acts like he doesn't want to see me. What should I do? (link)
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Until you actually try to have an adult discussion with him about this, you have no right to be angry.
He's got a newborn in the house. You've got to understand that they likely ARE incredibly busy. Newborn kids require tons of watching, attention, and time investment. Waking up in the middle of the night to change diapers means sleep deprivation. Trying to balance any career he has with all of that alone is a taxing process.
You haven't talked to him. You're making assumptions based on nothing but your own hurt feelings. I'm not saying that he's a model father and he's just overwhelmed. You could be right, and justified in what you feel.
But you personally don't know that until you try to tell him whats going on with you and ask him why he's never around. Go see him in person and talk to him.
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Two people, they like each other, perhaps even are in love with each other. They are best friends, in college. And they are from completely different planets. She's white, he's black. From completely different economic backgrounds, different views on life, different goals, yet somehow the two people just click and understand each other. Maybe even better than they understand themselves. There's passion, compassion, and intimacy between them. They would do anything for each other.
But they have never mentioned their feelings to each other, it was always a big elephant in the room. Why? Because they are scared, what if it won't work out? What if what they have now will be ruined?
Can a long-term serious relationship exist between these two people? Or will their differences drive them apart?
(link)
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There's no way for us to know.
You said from completely different planets, that means nothing to someone not you.
I can tell you that if you're really 19 like the question says you are, you've got plenty of time to figure shit like this out. So date him, see where it goes. Have fun, and when things start to get more serious, have serious discussions.
He may not be right for you. He may work out. The two of you might end up happily married or hating each other's guts.
But I can at least tell you that the relationship you described has a limited life span. Romantic tension destroys friendships, so either you go for it and risk destroying the friendship early, or you wait until he falls for someone else and gradually phases you out of his life (or vice versa)
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Ok so my grades have never been that great, like bs and cs. Last quarter I got all As and 2 Bs. I get a "good job" and then my younger brother who got all Ds. And gets a freaking new xbox game and other stuff! I got nothing! And all my
mom says is "well I know you are capable of that" like what. No. I've never done that good, so I just don't think it's fair! And my brother tried hard at his baseball practice so
my mom got him ice cream and I got none. And then my
mom says "I always spoil you." I haven't gotten anything in a really long time. "/ it's not fair. I know I'm just jealous, but when she does this it makes me feel bad and I get a why bother attitude. It's not about getting stuff, I'm not that
materialistic it's just the fact he gets it and I don't. When I try so much harder and I'm such a nicer person"/ (link)
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The poster below is spot on. She doesn't want to spoil you, and I'd bet you're older as well (parents are always more careful with the first kid)
He's a D student, who obviously can't manage much better than that. They're trying to get him up as high as possible, and trying to keep you where you are. So he gets treats for progress because in their eyes he needs alot of work. You get nothing because they're not worried about you flunking out of school or not being able to pursue education past high school.
Parents push harder on kids who are more capable. It's not always the smartest way to handle things, but it's an understandable enough motivation. They pay less attention to you because they believe in you more, which I know makes you feel ignored.
They're not trying to ignore you. But in ten years when you're done with college and your brother is working minimum wage jobs and they're trying to find vocational training he can handle to be worth more in the job market than just being a high school graduate, you'll understand.
You can talk to your mom, but it's likely not all that much will change. It feels unfair because it is, but at the same time it's unfair to your brother too. In five years he's going to know that he got all that extra attention because he couldn't handle his shit the way you do. Your parents are looking at that as well, and they're trying to keep HIM from feeling the way you do.
Not an easy thing to do when you're not too far from failing and your sister can handle her shit. They don't want him to feel like you're a God and he's a loser. So they make a big deal out of him while they have the chance.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that your accomplishments don't mean anything to them. It's just... with your brother in the house they've got a kid who needs all the help he can get to still do worse than you. They're focusing their attention on the one of you two whom they think needs the help to keep his head above water. You should take pride in the confidence they show in you, and understand that the lack of attention has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that your parents want to turn out two functional children, and right now they've really only got one. So they're fighting to make your brother functional enough that they can send him out into the world someday and have him succeed, too.
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18/f.
next week i'm going to have sex for the first time. not sure which day but my parents are going out of town so i have the house to myself.
are there any last suggestions any of you could give me? any pointers? i've been on birth control, take it on time, never miss one. and we will be using a condom. i KNOW for sure FOR sure i want to do it.
i just want to know if there is anything i should know prior to having sex .. such as things to expect .. any helpful hints? any comments will be appreciated! :)
(link)
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Helpful hints?
Keep an open mind. Until you've tried something you won't know if you're into it or not. Sex is gross, when you really think about it, so rejecting ideas based on that really isn't the best way to go about it.
Don't do things you aren't comfy with. Instead wait, think about them, try to GET comfy, and try again later when you've got a better handle on things.
Sex can be awkward, goofy, loving, hot, and many other things. Good partners gauge each other's moods to try to be compatible with what the other's feeling. Also, one of you might fart, or elbow the other in the face, or something similar. Being able to laugh stuff like that off is kind of important.
The Post Sex discussion is always a good idea. Ask what he liked. Tell him what you liked. Ask and tell what you might like to try in the future. Bring up anything that was a little off (like painful, maybe)
Be vocal. If you like something, say so. If you don't like something, say so. If you've got suggestions on how something could be better, say so. If something feels good, don't stifle the moan unless you're worried about the neighbors hearing you or something.
Always be doing something. Don't just lay there. Rub whatever you can reach, if you're doing all the work and he's laying there, grab his hands and encourage him to rub you. Put them places you want him to touch.
Massage exchange. Everyone has different parts of themselves that are sensitive. The only way you figure them out is by playing around and touching everything. Lay him down and rub every inch of him. Throw in kisses. Whatever. Lay down and let him explore you. Point out areas you'd like him to touch often, tell him what you feel when he touches there.
Sex is about learning each other. Take your time together, and do the learning.
Last, shower after. Especially if he's using condoms, they make penises taste bad. Keep that in mind and don't drop the glove on until you're done with foreplay.
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20/f, dating a 20/m.
My bf and I have been together for almost three months, and we're getting ready to start having intercourse. Niether of us are virgins, and we've done basically everything else with each other except have sex. In the past month I've begun birth control and he and I have both gotten tested for STDs, and we're planning on using condoms. So safe sex is a sure thing.
But I also believe that having a dialogue about sex before starting it is crucial, involving discussing our sexual history. I've told him about my sexual past, including funny embarassing stories and things that I do and don't like in bed. He didn't seem at all uncomfortable with hearing it and it really got us to a new level of trust. I invited him to share his experiences with me, but all he said he didn't like talking about it.
I'm really curious about his past, but I don't want to pressure him into telling me about anything that makes him uncomfortable. All I know is that he's had "Maybe just the one" previous partner, but I don't know anything else. Should I just get used to not knowing? I really don't want to pry, but if I'm going to be sleeping with him, does that make it at least a little of my business? Or no? I'm confused and I just want to know if I should drop the whole subject, and get used to being curious.
Thanks in advance! (link)
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You should not get used to not knowing. Communication and willingness to share is important. If he's not willing to talk eventually, move on.
That said, there's probably a pretty good chance that he's more inexperienced than you are an is insecure about it. Maybe he's lying about not being a virgin. Maybe he's had a drunken one night stand that never repeated itself. Undoubtedly he's less experienced than he wants to admit to.
You need to get him to share. Sex is going to suck between you two if you've got a boyfriend who's hung up on performing and meeting expectations, especially if he IS inexperienced.
Make it clear that you don't care what his history is, but that you want to know it. Let him know that what matters to you isn't what he's done, but that he trusts you enough to be willing to share it with you and trust you to only like him more as he shares himself with you. But be firm about it. This isn't something you should compromise on, because whether it's pride, embarrassment, or mistrust that's getting in the way, you need to figure that out before the intimacy gets jacked up a few notches.
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17/f
I have a major crisis.. i just got my period today and in a month i'm supposed to go to florida for volleyball nationals and i'm supposed to get my next period during that tournament :( the reason why this sucks is because
- i can't wear tampons. like i've tried at least 20 times and it just doesn't work for me. and there's no way i can get the experience now and be able to succeed wearing them in a month.
- the place we are staying at (rental home) has our own private pool and i can 90% guarantee that we will be swimming a lot.
- nobody on my team knows that i can't wear tampons, so it would be really embarrassing if i told them that i can't go swimming because i have my period.
so any advice??
btw- my mom won't let me go on the pill. i was thinking about asking my bff to get birth control pills and let me use them for a month until the tournament starts. do you think that will work? like if i started taking the pill asap, will i be able to skip my next period in a month?
also, is there any way i could make it come a week sooner? my period normally comes every 26 days, is there any way??? helppp i'm desperate. and please don't say "grow up and wear tampons" because i honestly can't use them and i won't have enough experience to use them in a month. thank you! (link)
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I would like to correct the poster below. There are two different types of birth control pills, the type that uses only progestin and the type that uses synthetic estrogen and progestin together (far more common)
There are different brands which contain different amounts of these hormones, for instance ortho tri cyclen has different amounts of hormone each week while loetrin 24 (the type my wife was on) has the same amount of hormones each day throughout the month. But these all contain the same active chemical hormones inside them.
Taking just a month wouldn't help, however. The last week is sugar pills, and likely you'd still get your period somewhat on schedule when the hormones stop. Pills work by tricking your body into thinking you're pregnant. When the hormones stop, your body picks up where it left off and your period starts. Other methods can get rid of your period for a while by giving you a constant hormone dose. The shot is an example, instead of a pill with a tiny amount daily, it's a bunch all at once that lasts for three months. Some women actually don't like it because when sexually active missing your period for three months out of the year can be nerve wracking.
Also, we really can't advise you to take a friends pills. It's still proscription medication, which you aren't supposed to have without said proscription. Minor as it is, we can't advise you to do something illegal.
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I haven't spoken to my father in 8 months, Let me begin...
A year ago, My oldest sister and my father had a fight as my father is remarried and my oldest sister never saw eye to eye with her. My stepmother is very manipulative and often told my sister the right and wrongs of how to raise her children. Eventually, My father had felt that my sister was coming between him and his wife because my sister had stated that she doesn't appreciate her stating her opinions also she wrote a letter regarding her feelings towards my father. My father never really seem like he wanted me or my sister in his life, His time spent with us were almost as if they were a burden to him as he put his wife before his kids.
My father had called my oldest telling her (at 8 months) to have a nice life, Leaving behind her and her 3 children at the time. I was bothered from the beginning and over time my relationship with my father began to fade due to lack of respect and gradually I began to feel my step mother had got her way. It is now 8 months later since I have spoken to my father, I have been wanting to write him a letter for quiet some time now and I haven't had the sense to even know how I would approach it as I just cut complete contact without saying a word. I feel I need closure and that letting my father know how I truly feel is never too late, Although it will not solve the issue I would like to let him know that I will no longer be involved in his life and why. What I am asking is should I do this? I need opinions and much is appreciated
Thank you (link)
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I'd advise against it.
You've got a small chance that you might actually get some level of relief from it. You've got a bigger chance that he'll just use it as an excuse to hate and forget about you too, he'll read what he wants to hear and think about you into what you say whether you say it or not, and you'll have sent a letter that makes HIM feel like he's justified in being the asshole he apparently is.
Some of us get shitty parents. It's the truth. I did, you did, many other people I know did. There are a ton of people on this planet who should have been sterilized to prevent reproduction, but human rights kind of gets in the way of that. My parents and yours both fit into that category, and now they leave the burden of their broken children to others to pick up the pieces.
Go to therapy. Not kidding. A letter is more likely to continue to hurt you and provide another issue to be upset about. He's probably getting what he wants, and a letter he can ignore, which will hurt you further.
Therapy will help you learn to cope with the realities of your life and move on, which means the victory is yours, because he's still an asshole.
At the very least, a therapist who's been seeing you for a while can give you much better advice on what sending this letter might do to you or for you, and give you better advice on what and how to send it.
Right now, my answer to you is wait. You want to resolve this somehow. The letter more than likely won't resolve it at all.
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