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Massive dissonance in my relationship because of my imperfect past.
First, I'd like to let you know that I have the utmost respect for you. I'm looking for advice exactly the way you give it. I'd like to give you as many details as possible so you can analyze the situation to the best of your ability, so this is going to be long...Here goes:
I'm a 22 year old female, and my boyfriend is 28. I know, big age difference, but we don't feel it at all. We've been together for just a few months, but we've been friends for years. He's turned into my best friend, and we've made it clear that we're not dating just to date; we're looking for something more permanent.
Before my current, I was trapped in an emotionally abusive/addictive relationship cycle with a guy who made me hate myself and even pushed me over the edge into anorexia. It got to the point that I thought the only way to feel better about myself was through a camera lens. I modeled nude for friends on two separate occasions. They're still close friends of mine and I'd trust either of them with my life. They assured me that they would not use the pictures or show them to anyone without my permission, and I believe them when they say they haven't. My boyfriend doesn't, but I can understand that.
One of my friends is going to gather up the photos from that shoot, and I'm going to pick them up tomorrow after work, so that's in the process.
The other friend, though, would be more than willing to give me the pictures and delete his digital copies, but his computer was fried during a lightning storm, so he can't get to them. The drive is not dead. My boyfriend is a computer tech, and actually has a device that would allow me to access the drive through my computer (or another computer) and delete what's necessary. Problem is my friend is saying there's personal stuff on there and he's not willing to let me do that. I've offered to pay him, I've offered to just be in the room when he accesses it and just hit the delete button when the time comes so I won't even see his personal stuff. He's putting it off and putting it off, and I don't know how to convince him to let me access the drive to delete my pictures. I need this to happen ASAP.
Am I wrong for wanting to do this?
But, these don't even seem to be the biggest problems...I have a tattoo between my shoulder blades of a butterfly with wings made out of treble clefs and bass clefs with tribal lines surrounding it - I designed it when I was sixteen or seventeen at the height of my vocal career. I originally went to college to pursue vocal performance, but had a major falling out with the music department because of some politics. After I "failed" my performance (during which I was forced to sing songs in the wrong range for me, so I couldn't sing to the best of my ability), I couldn't stop doubting myself, and didn't sing for about a year. At some point, I moved to my own apartment off campus, and as I was unpacking the boxes, I found the notebook and the tattoo design. I decided to get it because when I looked at it, I remembered that no matter what anyone says, I still have my music. I still have my talent, and no one can take it away from me. Every time I look at it, I remember that.
Even though my boyfriend is aware that this is the reason I have it, he is absolutely disgusted by it. He said, "People with tattoos are the epitome of trash. They're disgusting - tattoos mar the beauty of the human body. Instead of embracing your beauty and your incredible talent, you massacred yourself. All I can think about when I see that disgusting blotch on your skin is how many people have seen your naked body, and all those fucking photoshoots."
It may not be word-for-word, but that's pretty much what he said. He even went so far as to ask me if I could imagine raising a child with that mark on my back. He even warned me that it could be enough to stop our relationship from going anywhere, which really hurt. I don't feel comfortable wearing low-backed shirts anymore, and I don't feel comfortable with my back to him now. I've started to think about getting it removed because it's just not worth it to me anymore, if it causes this much difficulty for us. Realistically, right now, I do not have the money, but I could find a way...
It hurts that he's so closed-minded about tattoos, and he attributes a meaning to it other than the real one. He says if he didn't love me so much, none of it would matter, and I understand, but shouldn't he love all of me? Shouldn't he be willing to open his mind and heart to my flaws and love me despite them?
I don't know how he can be so prejudiced against people with tattoos and think they're so low-class and disgusting when he claims not to think that about me. I work in an outpatient mental health office (I'm a secretary), and EVERYONE in that office has at least one tattoo. When I pointed this out in an effort to demonstrate that tattoos don't make people low-class or disgusting, he basically said they all have psychological problems because they work in the mental health field. That hurt, because I want to be a psychologist. He's a great guy, and he really, deeply, truly loves me. I really want to find a way to work this out, and so does he.
So, I don't know what to do or how to think about this. The only request I have to make is that you don't simply say, "Dump him." I'd really like you to take some time to analyze this.
Thank you for your time.
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That is indeed a lot of information to process.
My first thoughts are along the lines of "Wow, what a nice list of giant red flags"
At 28, he should be more aware and less egocentric. The disgust is alarming. While I somewhat understand the mindset of "your body is a temple" he should be willing to understand and respect a different point of view.
That streak of unchecked arrogance he's got could very well kill the relationship after you've been dealing with it for half a decade.
Another thing that alarms me is that he's got you calling your personal choices "flaws". Tattoo removal to save the relationship? You're buying into his bullshit because you think that amounts to compromise. And in a way you are compromising.
Compromising yourself. Don't do that. Not for anyone. It's one thing to try to be a better person for your partner, or to not do something that annoys the shit out of them. It's another to try to undo a decision that has meaning just because this guy's that much of an asshole about it.
I can tell that your boyfriend has a very forceful personality. I imagine he can get pretty angry. He's also...
Blanket generalizations are something people do when they're too arrogant and too ignorant to actually have anything worthwhile to say. Dismissing your profession, disgust expressed because of his prejudices, and I'm sure you've only scratched the surface of some fairly toxic opinions.
If you want this relationship to continue, he's got some growing up to do. Along those lines
- You need to express that your tattoo and the decision to get it are a part of who you are, and he doesn't get to love you in spite of whatever aspects. You need to express that your body is part of your identity, and so is music, and in your opinion wearing that on your skin is a reminder to yourself and others and an expression of self that you value.
- You need to let him know that he doesn't get to win arguments by making stupid generalizations like "people in the mental health field have issues"
- You need to let him know that the way he's spoken to you is degrading. Using things like the generalizations above and direct expressions of disgust is degrading to you. He is prejudiced against things and will insult or dismiss them instead of trying to expand his horizons and learn something new or see the world a different way.
That is unacceptable, and is the biggest issue for me. Dismissive is one thing, but he was openly insulting, and when you tried to reason with him he sank into irrational assholery.
If there's one thing I personally find disgusting, it's people who cover their ignorance or the fact that they've lost an argument by turning into an asshole. It's juvenile and extremely self centered, he basically does not want to admit that he might be wrong and so he makes you feel like shit so you want to drop the argument.
See through this. You've got to break him of it or you're going to have to break up.
Think about this. Start a conversation, and confront him in what way you think best.
There are two warnings that I want to give you.
First, keep a VERY close eye on his temper. Watch when it flares up, and why. Watch that arrogance too, see if and when he descends into insults and stupidity. These are attempts to manipulate you into giving him his way.
Do not let them succeed. If he gets insulting, stop the conversation and tell him you will resume if and when he feels like giving the woman he loves due respect.
Don't let him wind himself up. Do not tolerate it, leave the room if you have to (let him know that you'll come back when he's not acting like a child) and keep the conversation calm at all costs.
Use this as a test to evaluate him. See if he is willing, starting from a calm and mutually constructive standpoint, to change an opinion. Or if he holds onto it and fights you on it and uses anger and condescension to try to beat you into submission.
Second, watch yourself. It's very easy to let someone as forceful as this guy probably is to steamroll over you. Watch the reactions he generates in you, if he makes you feel inferior, stupid, small, or otherwise belittled.
Pay attention to these because in the moment, that's what he wants you to feel. He's not been described as an overly controlling asshole, but he's definitely arrogant and he's willing to loose that to not be wrong.
You need to let him know he can be wrong in front of you and you won't lose respect for him. At the same time, you need to let him know that you're intelligent and independent in your own right and YOU are right this time. His behavior has been unacceptable, and if he expects to be in an adult relationship he needs to conduct himself as an adult.
Last, the hard drive issue. Yes, I'd say thats important. Random nudes dwelling outside your control are never something fun you want to have to worry about.
You need to pursue that, and keep on it. Daily. Tell him you need this done regardless of whatever personal data he doesn't want you to see. Personally, I wouldn't trust him at this point. I'd demand the drive and just destroy it. Tell him that you want it gone and you don't want to have to worry about it, and if he can't let you scour that drive clean of pictures yourself that you want it smashed with a hammer into many small pieces.
Really final note: My advice is a next step. The confrontation will tell you alot about his motives and willingness to change, and his reactions will give you a good bit of insight into his character.
If you don't feel the need for a followup, then good luck. If the situation worsens or you've got something still on your mind about it, bring back news of the things I told you to pay attention to, if you can remember fairly close to accurate dialogue between the two of you that would help me a good bit.
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