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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
So, this weekend just gone I had sex with a guy. Him and his girlfriend were split up at the time and he said they weren't getting back together so I didn't see much of a problem. But the next day he said they sorted things out but he didn't tell her about me and him.
I'm really not comfortable about this as I'm friends with alot of her friends so I'm gunna see her about alot and I hate keeping secrets and lying.
I've tried persuading him, but said I won't say a word until he says something to her 'cause she should really hear it from him not me or someone else. But this also means I can't talk to any of my friends about it, which sucks.
He won't tell her though as she has alot of family problems at the moment and doesn't think she'd be able to handle it and isn't sure what she'd do (guessing he means self harm etc).
Some sort of help would be great as I'm really not keen on this situation and can't chat to anyone! Thank you!
The Answer
You shouldn't be comfortable with this situation. He's putting you in a really uncomfortable position with all of your friends.
This isn't a place where 'don't kiss and tell' applies, because that is not what he is asking for. He's asking you to actively lie to people, even your dearest friends, because he doesn't want to acknowledge what happened. He's asking you to act like you are ashamed, and have a dirty secret, when you have no reason to feel shame and every reason to talk over your feelings and what happened with your friends.
However, there is a lot of grey area between "Not telling a lie for him" and "Telling his girlfriend you fucked him."
Frankly, in your shoes, I'd tell him that although I agree it would absolutely be best if she heard it from him and I wont be calling her up to tell her, that I also won't lie about it if asked, and I will be talking with some close friends about what happened - because it's my life too and I deserve the love and support of my friends when something is upsetting me.
Tell him this is going to come out eventually, and even though you wont go out of your way to cause his girlfriend pain, you also wont go out of your way to keep his secret. The sooner he tells her, the better it'll be for them both. The longer he keeps the secret, the more betrayed his girlfriend will feel.
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The Question
Hi I just wanted to ask should I go to college if I already know what I want to do and it doesn't involve college? And my family is forcing me to go to become a teacher nurse or doctor and I don't want to do that... What should I do?...
The Answer
This depends quite a bit on what you know you want to do. It might be a great idea to ask for some advice on how people got started in the work you want to be doing.
Is college still generally a good idea, for most people? Absolutely.
Is it probably a good idea for you? Without knowing what it is you want, yeah, I\'d say the right program at the right school probably does exist that would help equip you for nearly anything you want to do.
You shouldn\'t allow your parents to push down a career path you know you don\'t want. You just wont be successful if the only reason you are doing something is because they are making you do something.
But you do need also need to be realistic and take a good hard look at your goals and how to achieve them. Some further education after high school will be a part of the vast, VAST majority of people\'s goals. You need to find out what you need for yours.
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The Question
I am Muslim . I understand the community. The actual religion of Islam is beautiful . The community, is different. Whenever I am at an azima, or gathering, it's like a competition (who married a doctor, who's kids or who is in the better college, who went to Hawaii . It's sick. Another thing that annoys me is that the people try to hind women from sex by covering them up. Yet all many men allow them to do is have sex and cook and clean.its sicker. I do know some Muslims that are different, but it's just the majority..... Also women do to men's every bidding the man comes home from work and then women are treated like servants...... After all, the man did work the day in the office - while the woman worked at home ..... Cooking and cleaning and not having a lunch break. It's SICK!!!!!!! Plus, most women cover up so if you show up in a bathing suit to a pool or shorts when it's not it is considered eb or shameful/forbidden. Again not all Arabs are like this............. I want to be part of a community but I don't know who to be with as in church group ?????
The Answer
You leave out your age and your location, which makes it a bit more difficult to advise you about looking for another mosque or community centre.
The parts of your complaints - about oneupmanship and competition - I'm sorry to say that is present in most larger communities, whether they are religious, or workplaces, or even just Parent Teacher Committees. You can find some groups where that behaviour is minimal, but you'll struggle pretty damn hard to find a place where it doesn't exist at all. That's not a Muslim thing - that's a human thing.
It does sound like you want to find a group of women who think more like you, and have values more like your own - and that is a great thing to do. You might have to get creative to make new friends like that. You could volunteer for muslim organizations you know are more liberal or pro-women, or maybe find a book club or study group that is more female friendly.
Remember you can be part of more than one community, and have more than one circle of friends. If you have needs and interests that aren't being met in your current community - widen your circle - but that doesn't' necessarily mean rejecting your current community entirely.
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The Question
So, I'm a 14 year old girl and I honestly can't cope with the way my parents tell me to live, I feel like I am trapped in my home and I can't do anything!
They have these rules that I cannot go on my iPad/phone until 8pm every night, even at weekends I'm not aloud to use them. They say I'm to antisocial and I need to get out more, I go almost everywhere with them! I do go to town with friends aswell. They won't let me out of my town, I live in Barnstaple, devon and I'm not even aloud to Exeter or Bristol to go on a shopping trip with friends which is only about 2 hours away. Also I'm not aloud to be friends with a few people I know, one of them because there is a rumour going around that her mum is a prostitute and the other one who is my best friend and I still hang out with her secretly because she said something rude on Facebook like 2 years ago! It annoys me how I can't be friends with who I want to be friends with. My parents won't let me go out after school and I always have to be back home at 4pm if I go anywhere, which means I can't go out in the evening or at night and have a laugh :(
They also won't let me use social networks other than Facebook and Twitter, I want to be able to use snapchat, Instagram and tumblr but I'm not aloud to have it on my phone, another thing is that my dad still reads my texts and my messages with friends online!!! I'm 14 and I literally have no privacy! It's really annoying I want to just tell him "no, I won't give you my phone" or just not tell him the lock to my phone but he always makes me! :(
This is really annoying me now how I feel like I am stuck with nothing to do and no privacy at all :(
Anyone know what I could do?
The Answer
Ask them to give you more space to prove you have good judgement - because if they are constantly making choices for you, you'll never have the space to practice making choices yourself - especially when it comes to your selecting your friends.
Frankly, I'm all for parents checking phones, texts, and emails and limiting social media use. They have the legal right to do so and I think a parent should keep some idea of what a young teen is doing online. You are in the process of earning their trust in that capacity, for now, if I were you, I'd let that go and focus on the right to choose who you want to be friends with.
Because your parents are taking it a bit too far with their rules about who you associate with. It's not respectful of them to hold a grudge against another child for over two years. It's a bit moronic for two reasonable adults to actually BELIEVE a rumour like 'Your mom's a prostitute', and even if they actually believed such a stupid playground-variety insult, that should mean that they don't allow you to be under that mother's supervision, not that you can't be friends with the child.
The question that might help you get your parents thinking about their boundaries is to ask them WHEN and HOW. When do they think you're old enough to make choices about who is your friend and who isn't? When do they think you'll be old enough, or mature enough, to travel with friends for shopping trips out of town? How will they decide that you've shown enough good judgement and sense to be given more freedom and respect? How will you be able to show that judgement and sense if they don't give you a chance to make additional choices for yourself?
Obviously your question can't give the whole story, but in my opinion your parents may have their own reasons for the curfew and the checking your phone - but they take it too far when they refuse to allow you to be friends with people. Unless they perceive a very real threat to you - that is a choice every human being should be free to make, and that is one area were I think you should start pushing back.
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The Question
Hi! I am from India 22/f. I have a bf.we are together since 2010. He is much older than me. He is sweet. But i cannot find any match between us. He is very orthodox by nature. I am littlebit modern than he. He cannot like girls/woman, except his mother and sister.he has a negative point of view on women. But he had a relation before me.and he also proposed me.so i can't understand his mentality.also he has a big issue with working women.he thought that those who(woman) work in office,she cannot run a family and grows child.his idle woman should be stay at home after marriage,bt do household work only.i am educated and want a good career.also a husband and child.i think woman can easily handle both the thing easily.but he can't accept it.although he never force me to do so,but when we discuss such thing.he told me this. I love him so i remain silent always.what should i do?? Does his point of view is normal??plz suggest me. Thank you.
The Answer
It sounds like you understand him pretty well.
He doesn't believe that a woman can, or should, work outside of the home, and also have a successful home and marriage. He doesn't think women are capable of this. He insults and looks down on women work outside of the home.
It doesn't matter if this 'normal'. There was a time when slavery and beating your children was 'normal'. Normal is not the same as okay.
You need to stop remaining silent. If your vision of a happy married life and his vision don''t line, that needs to be openly discussed - or else both of you are doomed to be unhappy. You say you think he wont 'force' you, but listen to what he says about working women now. If you work, that's exactly what he'll think of you. Can you live with that kind of disrespect and ugliness being thrown your way? Do you want your children to grow up knowing that their father thinks their mother is a failure and bad parents because she works outside of the home?
Face this head on. It's not going to go away.
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The Question
I'm a lesbian, and i'm always getting used by my straight friend. She is always dirty texting me, and touching herself when she's talking to me, but she says that only i turn her on and she wouldn't date me because she doesn't want to be a lesbian. She has a boyfriend, yet she comes to me when it comes to pleasure. I love her as a best friend, maybe more, but only if she accepted. But, it seems like lately, all we've been doing is "making love" and she doesn't even love me.
Is she gay? Why is she using me like this? When she asks me to turn her on, etc, she tell me to "Make love" to her. Does that mean she loves me? because she normally says sex, unless she's talking about me. We've never actually done it, but we talk and touch ourselves.
The Answer
She\'s disrespecting you, and using you, even though she might not mean to be.
Yes, some people may just want causal sex. Others may genuinely want romantic relationships with more than one person at the same time. Lots of people get confused about their sexuality at some point in thier lives.
None of that justifies cruel behaviour, and her behaviour towards you is cruel, no matter how genuine her desire or confusion. And she is still betraying her boyfriend - even if you are helping her do it. She doesn't get a pass on her bad behaviour just because yours isn't perfect.
She is also almost certainly perfectly aware that this arrangement isn't the kind that makes you happy. She knows that your feelings run deeper. She probably knows even if you haven't told her, and I get the impression you have. So she is choosing her happiness at the the expense of yours. That's what it means to be a user.
You need to let her know, very clearly, if you aren't happy being her secret, occasional, fuck buddy. Then you need to put an end to that part of your relationship for good. The only way to get the respect you deserve is to demand it, and the only thing that will save this friendship is if it goes back to just being a friendship, unless she decides she can have the kind of honest relationship you desire.
Don't hold your breath. That's not very likely.
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The Question
Hi guys, am new here and i am also new to been a Christian. My parents are out and i just learnt the story of Joseph from the children's bible. I do not know why Joseph was sold into slavery. Can someone help me with that?
The Answer
Because Joseph was dick. Their dad liked him best. He kept prattling on about how God told him in his dreams that he was going to become sooooo much cooler than all his brothers and that they\'d all have to bow down to him, and their dad took these dreams seriously.
So they threw him in a pit to die - but then felt a bit bad - so they sold him into slavery instead. Not really a reasonable reaction to your little brother acting like a little shit, but there it is.
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The Question
We moved in with my parents about a year ago so we could save some serious money for our future. When we got settled in my mom started cooking A LOT and has been piling up our plates. My GF went along with it and started eating A LOT. She started to put on A LOT of weight. Then about 6 months later I watched her start wearing slippers and stretch pants instead of jeans and heels. By now I've put on weight too. So, I talked to my GF privately last night:
Me: Hey honey, I feel like I'm getting fat. Wanna start dieting with me? GF: I think you're confusing "fat" with "happy" we're living like royalty.
Not sure what's going on, but it's weird. On the other hand, our savings account is not laughable anymore.
The Answer
You know what's going on: You are both eating more.
You also know that it\'s bugging you, and that it doesn't seem to bug her.
So what can you do? Well, you could go on a diet yourself if your own body is important to you. That might inspire her if, on some level, she\'s not happy with her own. You could also start offering to cook sometimes, and preparing healthier meals for the whole family.
What you can't do is say "You're a fatty and I don't like it."
Well, you could, but you'd be an asshole.
So stop blaming your girlfriend for choices you have, up to this point, made together and start making some changes towards the kind of body you want to have. You'll be in a better position to show her that this important to you in general, (and not simply an insult of her weight) then to encourage her to make healthy changes as well.
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The Question
I'm a 14 year old girl and my nails are disgusting, the white bits are peeling off and it's embarresing too! I cut my nails once a week and I use Avon cream which Is supposed to keep your nails nice but it doesn't seem to work? Is it because I'm not getting enough of something?
Someone please help! I want to have nice nails :)
The Answer
It\'s not a bad idea to make sure you are getting enough iron. Most young females are iron deficient, and one of the places you can see that reflected, is in your nails.
You may also want to stop \'cutting\' your nails, as that can start the chips and cracks. Instead, regularly file your nails down. If you want to be really gentle on them, soak your fingertips in warm water for 30 seconds to a minute before filing your nails (you don\'t want them to be too soft, just a bit softer than usual). If you don\'t want to stop cutting them entirely, at least go out and buy a brand new and sharp set of clippers.
You could also find a clear, protective polish (or a hardening polish) to put on them. Creams are not always the best - they mainly affect the cuticles, which may help you have healthy nails in the future - but have minimal effect on your existing nail.
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The Question
My gf and I got a new roommate because our apartment has an extra bedroom and it makes rent easier on us. He's a really nice guy that works in the area. He loves to cook. Since he moved in 8 months ago he has made breakfast, lunch, dinner and desserts EVERY day. He said cookings a hobby for him and its great the tastes are really rich. My gf and I both think it would be rude to refuse what he makes for us so we're eating all the time. He always insists that he'll take care of things like cleaning shopping and other errands if we try one of his cakes or pies or something. We both feel lazier and sit around a lot more now. Cant help but feel lethargic and we both agree the foods so good. And we've put on about 30 lbs each and we have to wear stretchy pants now. Even close friends and family have asked if we're alright...
The Answer
What do you expect people to say? Take back control of your own life. This problem exists solely because you have given up control you should not have given up. That's the only advice there is to give.
You both think it would be rude to refuse? No. It's not rude for adults to choose for themselves, in their own home, what they are going to eat. You'll just need to be thoughtful, careful and respectful as you negotiate new, appropriate boundaries with your roommate.
That's not rude. It's hard work. Stop trying to avoid it, and accept that it will be difficult to change the current patterns, and that it will be even more difficult to do so while making sure your roommate still feels respected and appreciated.
At this point, I can't help but wonder if your roommate has takes a perverse sort of pleasure in fattening you up, but regardless of whether his intentions are truly kind - and not actually the behaviour or someone who craves control over others - it's time to put an end to them.
If you are't able to just rip off this bandaid and be clear with him about what needs to change, then start small, by managing your own breakfasts, or by going to eat out as a couple. Start asking what his plans are in advance, so you can have some input into them or tell him that it's too much before the tempting sweet it right in front of your face.
There isn't any trick to this tho. In the long run, both of you are going to need to man up, and take control of your lives back. I can't spell out for you exactly what the correct boundaries and agreements between you all should be, but clearly, this current situation isn't it.
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The Question
I am a 22 year old female and I just contracted genital herpes about 2 months ago. I am taking daily medication for it, and always use condoms, and would never have sex with any present sores. I read that with daily suppressive therapy and condom use, there is about a 1-2% chance of passing herpes from female to male, including shedding.
If it is that tiny of a risk that I would pass it to my current partner, what is the point of telling him I have it? Also, 80% of people who have herpes dont know they have it, and therefore are not taking any medication, making it a lot less risky to have sex with me than just some random girl, especially with such a low percentage of me passing it anyways. So, without lecturing me, please give me a legit reason why I should tell my partner?? If you were in my shoes, would you?
Thanks!
The Answer
I would tell him. In fact, I'd be incapable of not telling him, and still being about live with myself.
To do less is to actively deceive him. No sort of relationship can survive that kind sort of distrust and lies.
Does telling him suck? Absolutely.
Will you need to educate him about the reality of herpes, and listen to all the myths he has been taught? Absolutely.
Do you risk him not being able to deal with it and breaking up with you? Absolutely.
Do you risk him being so angry that you didn't tell him sooner that he can no longer trust you? Yeah. You could have avoided that, but yes, if you have sexual contact with him without disclosing there may be extra anger and hurt on his part.
And you still have to tell him, because the risk does exists. You have no right to expose him to a health risk without his consent and he has a right to know the risks he is exposed too (which you are utterly aware of) even small ones. Most importantly, you are a decent enough person to do the right thing even when it may inconvenience or embarrass you - right?
Look, I don't think you are idiot or an evil person. So I'm sure you already know that every legit reason out there is on the side of you being honest with your sexual partners about your STI status. There is only one 'legit' reason to excuse yourself from that really basic ethical responsibility - and that is if you fear that disclosing means he'll beat you up. Really. Fear of physical violence is really the ONLY excuse you've got, and since it doesn't sound like you fear for your life, you are obligated to tell him.
A 'low risk' is not a legit reason to lie. 'Safer than some random chick' is not a legit reason to lie. '80% of people' is not a legit reason to lie. These are excuses to try and minimize the real facts. The real facts that the risk does exist, and that you are aware of it.
I know it's scary, but there really isn't any dodging this.
You have no legit reason NOT to disclose.
If you tell him the truth, you may loose him.
If you don't, you WILL loose him. 100% guaranteed. Someday he'll find out and the lie will kill every good thing you have together between now and then.
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The Question
I have been having chest pains on and off for a while now. Some sites say it can be nothing and some say it is very serious. Thanks to obamacare I no longer have health insurance so I need to be really convinced I NEED to go to the doctor before I spend money I do not have. Can you help me decide what to do?
The Answer
You should see a doctor.
You should also take another look in the what\'s available to you under ACA. You might not agree with the law, but it does have provisions to help the vast majority of people access insurance. Some states have made it harder to find out what those provisions are. Some states have even rejected parts of the law, leaving some people without access, but the ACA itself left a hell of a lot of doors open. It might not be simple for you to find them, but they are almost definitely there.
If your insurance plan was cancelled because it didn\'t met the really basic requirement the ACA set out, there are programs specifically for people in that situation to help. You could even get a “hardship exemption” and you may not even face a penalty if you didn\'t me the deadline, but you have to reach out for those services.
It\'s tough to give any precise advice without knowing your state, but you could look the questions here and see if they can direct you correctly:
http://apps.npr.org/affordable-care-act-questions/
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The Question
Female
Here is the scoop i have a puppy who is 5 months old
me and my bf live together.
When he was 3months he tried to chew my shoes but i spanked his booty and he hasnt done it since
The thing is Everytime me and my bf go out and we come back there is something chewed up that belongs to my bf but never anything belonging to me
For example
Just last week me and my bf went for a run and we left our shoes lying in the living room night time fell and we awoke to the sound of him biting something and with a doubt it was my bf's sneakers he was chewing on
We had our chargers plugged up to the wall and he chews my bf's charger and yes he knows what sides we sleep on (he always sleeps with me) my question is could a dog have preference ? Or does he feel im more of a master? Or why doesnt he chew on anything that is mine.
Things that might help
The dog is 90% of the time with me because my bf works 12hr shifts
He gets along with my bf fine (except when he destroys his stuff)
He does have chew toys and dog bones and denta stix
If me and my bf both get up at the same time he will choose to follow me instead
Any ideas or thoughts why he does this? Because my bf is starting to hate him :/
The Answer
Your boyfriend should start feeding him.
For most dogs, it\'s really that simple. The person who puts their food down more often, is the person they are more likely to respect.
Dogs don\'t pick which person they like more, they respond to doggie-logic like \"Who seems to be in charge? Okay. I\'ll got suck up to them!\" There are lots of ways to tell a dog you are \'In Charge\' but one of the big ways is to be the one who feeds them.
He also might be chewing on your boyfriend\'s things because he misses him, and wants t be closer to his scent. It\'s pretty much impossible to know what is going through the little guy\'s head.
But that doesn\'t mean you can\'t address the problem. It\'ll take a few weeks, but your boyfriend should be the one who gets up and give the dog his meals whenever he is home to do so. He should make the dog wait, or do a trick before he feds him. That is probably enough to help the dog see him as being someone who is charge as well.
You also have to remember that 5 months is really young. At that age dogs still tend to be very attached to their mother. He\'s are only learning now how to bonded to a larger group. If your boyfriend takes on some of the care and playing with the puppy, he\'ll help the puppy learn that he\'s part of a family, not just a puppy who wants his mommy.
You might also ask your boyfriend what kind of relationship he wants with the dog. Does he want to cuddle? Or play fetch? Since you are home with the dog you could take the lead to start training the dog to do the things your boyfriend likes, and then let your boyfriend take over with treats and praise when he is home.
We got a puppy about a year ago, and since I was working from home, I did a lot of the feeding, training and basic care. My boyfriend worked hard to be involved tho - when we went to obedience classes my boyfriend took the lead - and that is why the dog bonded closely to us both. (Actually, I'd say our dog bonded a bit closer with my boyfriend, since I'm always around I'm not special to him, and it's a much more special time when my BF is home and has time to play.)
Your boyfriend has got to make some effort, but there are lots of ways you can help set him and the dog up for success.
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The Question
OK, I've thought about kissing girls, or something like that and it seemed fun, and when I think of kissing a boy I feel… nothing. I never feel anything to boys. There's a lot of other reasons on why I know I'm lesbian, but I won't get into detail. Anyway, my mother accepts gays and lesbians, but that doesn't mean other people will. Some of my friends think that they're gross, and I'm afraid of loosing my friendship in them, and being harshly judged and bullied. Maybe my friends will be able to accept me if they thought I was lesbian. I've tried to have relationships with guys, but ended it because I knew deep in my heart of hearts this wasn't right. I know I'm still a good person, but I'm having trouble accepting myself now. Is there a way to become…un-lesbian?
The Answer
Some people find that, during their lives, what they find attractive shifts or changes. Having said that - no, you can't control what you find attractive - you can only control what you choose to do about how you feel - not what you feel.
I think you'll live a happier, healthier life, full of people who love your better and more fully, if you are honest about your sexuality with those around you. Being out as a lesbian might lead you to be bullied, or treated cruelly by some people, but in the end most homosexuals are far happier for living honestly and with dignity and pride, rather than hiding and being afraid.
But that doesn't mean you have to come out today, or tomorrow. You'll be ready when you are ready. My suggestion would be to try not to worry too much about it, but also try to make friends and networks with people who are positive and accepting, and to avoid people who make you feel anxious or ashamed.
You are just fine. Whether you are a lesbian or not, you are just fine. It's really great of you to recognize that you can't be with guys in the way that would be fully honest and respectful of them. That's a huge step and a really kind and self-aware way for you to behave. That's definitely the mark of a good person. You are going to be okay.
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The Question
What is it and how do you keep from getting it? Is there a cure?
The Answer
Pink eye's proper name is conjunctivitis. Usually it's caused by bacteria or virus, but there are other things (like allergies) that can cause it too. It just means that the membrane that is around the eyelids and on top of the eye itself is irritated.
There are lots of cures - but which cure will work will depend on what the root cause of the irritation is. For viral infections, the best thing to do is simply to wait it out and make sure it doesn't spread. People take a few days off work or school, make sure to wash their hands, and try not to touch their.
The vast, vast majority of the time, pink eye wont be serious and it'll be treated, or waited out and pass in a week or so.
Best way to stop it spreading is to wash your hands well and don't share washcloths or other things that touch your face with someone who has a viral or bacterial case of pink-eye. Allergies, of course, can't be caught or spread.
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The Question
Is there a list of general knowledge questions that will help me to know more about the world? I know nothing of trivia and feel like I would get so much more out of life if I just knew more about how the world got to this point. My dad laughed at me when I didn't know who some famous people were, and I feel weird. My dad was surprised I never heard of John Wayne or Maureen O'Hara (I have looked them up since) and I thought my mom was going to hurt me because I didn't know what "Gone with the wind" was. Maybe these people and movies weren't a big deal in Canada where I was born? I don't know, but I am not playing "trivial pursuit" ever again unless you help me figure out what I DON'T know!
Thank you smart people who actually know things! :)
The Answer
It sounds like you might actually benefit from watching some classic movies.
There are lot of lists out there of the Top 100 Movies of All Time, and the Top 100 Fiction, or even (if you are ready for a real challenge) the New York Times Non-Fiction lists. A General Knowledge quiz may seem like a good short-cut to knowledge - but it's sort of false knowledge - I think it would be better to actually expose yourself to the culture by really engaging with the art and writing that came out of other eras. When you start doing that, you'll find the things that really jump out to you and the areas that you'll want to develop more expertise in.
Honestly, depending on your parent's ages, John Wayne, Maureen O'Hara, and Gone With the Wind are the same as Madonna or American Idol, or maybe The Beatles or Star Wars are for you. It may seem obvious to them if they lived it, or if they lived just after it while it still a big phenomena, but for you, it's history. John Wayne's last big movie was probably made at least 10 years before you were born, and Gone With the Wind was published in 1936, and made into a movie in 1939. It's great history, but it's history.
These sorts of things you learn by living and giving a damn. Don't rush yourself. Give a bunch of the classics a chance, and look deeper into the things that resonate with you. To borrow a phrase from Miss Cyrus - it's not what's waiting on the other side, it's the climb.
And don't play Trivial Pursuit. I don't know how that game could possibly be any fun for anyone under 40, and if you must play it, make sure you are playing a version that was released in the last 5 years. Too many people will have boxes that are full of questions that were written before you were even born sitting around in their basement It's simply not playing fair to ask general knowledge questions from when Pluto was still a planet and the phrase 'war in Afghanistan' meant the 1970 war between the mujahideen and the Soviets. General knowledge doesn't stay the same.
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The Question
I am getting married next year. I have a big family and all my cousins are like siblings to me. Two of my cousins are bridesmaids and I have three younger cousins who I have asked to be my junior bridesmaids. My fiance has a smaller family and some of his family is not close with him. There are 6 nieces on his side that I have chosen to not be in the wedding. They are all girls and I am not close to them whatsoever. Although I feel bad..I feel like this is my day and I should choose what I want. My fiance understood but is still a little unsure of how this might play out. I am worried about how his family may react. We have already had some drama come from his side because of an engagement party and they have yet to apologize which is very upsetting to me. Should I speak to his family about their presence in the wedding or should I just wait until the day of the wedding for them to find out? I don't want drama and if they cause drama on my day I'm going to be extremely livid.
The Answer
You are going to marry this guy, and these people are his family.
They deserve to hear from you both what the plans for the wedding are. Leaving it to the day of for them to find out basically guarantees that there will be drama. Don't do that. It's not kind.
Instead, let them know what the plans are in a calm, friendly way. If you present your plans for the bridal as though they are not a problem (and they aren't) then they are less likely to react badly. If you hide your plans, they are more likely to assume you intend to insult them and be upset. Simply tell them the truth - this isn't about them being your cousins - this is about you being close to these young women and counting them as your dear friends.
Don't start your marriage this way. I don't buy this "It's all about the bride" bullshit. That's a silly myth. The bride is important, but she is also the person who hosting all these other people at her special day, and she is owes to them to be a gracious host. A wedding is a celebration of family. These people may be assholes, but they are about to be family. You don't have to like them, but you will live a happier life if you are kind and respectful, even when they aren't.
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The Question
I'm 23 he's 22.
We've been dating for a little over a year but we've been friends for 8 years.
Lately, we have just been fighting incessantly. We can't even be on the phone for 10 minutes without wanting to kill each other. He swears he's not seeing anyone but the way he's acting makes me think otherwise. We usually fight but not to this extent. Usually when we fight he'll call back and apologize and be sweet and we'll get over it. But lately he seems like he's just saying and doing anything to hurt me and then goes to bed without any regard to my feelings. I'm not usually a person who cries in front of him but that's the only way I can get him to stop being mean to me. He will continuously poke at me to get a response, at the beginning of our relationship we agreed to not cuss at each other because it's disrespectful but now he's doing it nonstop and calling me a b****. I can't talk to him about our problems without him just giving me responses like "ok, whatever, and you're not?, and you don't?" I just wanna yell at him and be like give me some emotion!!! but it's no use. I didn't get into nursing school and all he had to say was "that's not the only one in america...." :/ is it time to end things and move on? What can I do?
The Answer
It sounds like it's probably time to end it.
If you genuinely don't trust that he isn't seeing someone else, you need to end it. If you can't honestly look at yourself and choose to believe him, and respect him when he says he is still loyal to you... that alone means this relationship is utterly over.
He's clearly hurting. He may not show the hurt in the way you want to see it, but unless he is a crazy person, this hurts him. It hurts to be accused of something you aren't doing, and that kind of distrust is an insult to him. That sort of thing feeds into the cycle of disrespect and cruelty between you two.
If you want to break the pattern, you might need to take the first step: When he says he isn't cheating, believe him. When he says he isn't trying to hurt you, believe him. Stop using tears to end conversations that aren't going the way you want - it's not fair to do that on purpose. It's okay to cry, but don't do it just because it shuts him up. Of course he shouldn't call you names, but you shouldn't be trying to manipulating him in to stopping thing you don't like. You should be speaking calming and clearly about the things you don't like. By all means tell him WHY you are hurting ad why you are upset, but start accepting what he says about himself as the truth, and listen to what he has to say, even if you don't love the way he is choosing to say it.
If you can't, or don't want, to take that step towards reconciling and really listening to each other, then just end it now.
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The Question
So, we've been learning about government in school, and the three types of government, and we had used a country for an example of each type: Canada,parliamentary, Cuba, dictatorship, and democracy, why not USA, best country on Earth (if you disagree, don't mention it, it seems that when I write a little thing that doesn't matter everyone goes into outrage about it and ignore my ACTUAL question)and we were watching an interesting video about life in Cuba, and for some reason everyone's always shouting something about some sort of revolution. I don't know much about revolutions except America had one to earn freedom. If a Cuban did something like that, then wouldn't they be jailed or killed? So, what is the Cuban revolution? What is it for? Are they planning a war on Amarica? If they are, I personally think they are wasting their time. America's much to huge for a small island like Cuba to defeat (once again, don't say anything about this)
The Answer
No one in Cuba is planning on a war with the US.
You are exactly right. That's just nuts.
The US has over 300 million people living on 3.79 million square miles. Cuba has a little over 11 million people, living on less than 50,000 square miles. Even if the levels of technology and wealth weren't what they were, no nation of 11 million isn't going to take on a nation of 300 million. Not ever. No one is that stupid.
The Cuban Revolution that you are hearing about already took place. It happened during the 1950s, and it resulted the current communist government that is still in power today in Cuba. The revolution was widely supported by Cubans at the time, and it removed a dictator, Fulgencio Batista, who had enjoyed a great deal of support from the American government. Even President Kennedy acknowledged at the time that America had to accept a good deal of responsibility for the current situation on human rights violations in Cuba, due to all the financial, military and diplomatic support the that had been offered to Batista by the US, even while he was using the military to suppress and kill Cubans who disagreed with him, and he was blocking the free elections that he was sure to loose.
Early on in the Cuban revolution (just like in virtually all revolutions) people were jailed, tortured and killed for trying to start a revolution against a dictator. Batista censored the media, and carried out torture and public executions. He killed thousands of people who disagreed with his government.
That is also what would happen today in the US if people tried to start a revolution. A revolution is, by it's very nature, an illegal act against an existing government or power structure. A revolution only happens when enough people are desperate enough to risk imprisonment or death in order to drastically change their government. So yeah, revolutions tend to begin with a lot of arrests and deaths.
You may believe communism is morally wrong (There is virtually nothing about the current Cuban government that I personally like or agree with) and you may believe that America is the best country on the planet, but but when it comes to Cuba-US relations, the facts are pretty shameful one for the States as well. America supported a dictator in nearly every way it could, and when that dictator was overthrown, American leaders regularly crafted plans to assassinate the new Cuban leaders and provoke a war with Cuba. I don't think any leaders in Cuba has ever seriously intended to begin a war with America. In fact, Cuba has been forced to put up with violations they would rather not have to deal with because of their inability to take on the American military. For example, Cuba's current position on Guantanamo Bay prison is that it's illegal for America to be running that prison within their country, and is violation of international law. They would like that prison to close, but Cuba doesn't have the power to insist on their own sovereignty. They can't stop the American military from doing what it wants on even within Cuba itself.
I'm not trying to argue with you about which nation is the best, and I'm not trying to defend Cuba's government in all it's behaviours, but you do need to recognize when the American government fucks up - and when it comes to Cuba, there is a long history of fucking up, and war-mongering, on the American side.
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The Question
My dog is reactive towards people running. Today I took my dog out to use the bathroom and I saw a kid running down the sidewalks. When my dog saw him she barked and lunged at him and he turned around and barked right back at her. Before he crossed her path I told him to slow down because I know she is reactive towards running and he slowed down but still kept going. Then he turned around and taunted her and he came closer to her. I've had her since she was 10 months and haven't had a bite incident, but if he taunts her again I don't know what will happen. I've taken her to a professional reactive dog class, and there were no results. (I live in an apartment complex)
The Answer
You need to take every reasonable step to can to make sure you are able to control your dog when it reacts.
I'm not saying the kid wasn't a horrific little shit. He clearly was. If you are aware of who his parents are, you should absolutely inform them that he taunted your dog, and that although you are able to control her, not all dog owners are as good as you are, and he's going to get himself bit by some dog if he thinks acting like that is acceptable.
You may also want to make a formal complaint to the building. In case anything does happen in the future, it would be good to have this incident on file.
Finally, is she on leash? If she is on a sturdy leash, with a collar or harness that allows you proper control, then you are doing everything you can to control her.
But the way you describe the incident, it's unclear. It sounds like she might off leash. If your dog has reactive issues, she must be on leash so you can control and respond to any thing like a lunge. I know lots of apartment complexes are lax when it comes to enforcing on-leash rules, and I'm sure your neighbours let their dogs off all the time, but your dogs safety, she needs to be leashed, and you might want to look into a harness that gives you more control in case of lunging.
Yes, this kid is horrible little shit and I hope he does get bit - but not by your dog! You have to remember that even if this kid taunts her, if she bites him, it'll be worse for her than for him. In the long run, she's more likely to get hurt. So for her safety, you need to make sure you are in as much control as physically possible and that means she must always be leashed.
God forbid anything does happen, but if it does, a investigation that can support the fact your dog was always properly leashed while on the property and the kid invaded the dogs space (rather than the dog being able to lunge and chase the kid freely) could be the difference between life and death for your dog.
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