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Guy cheated with me and won't tell his GF. What to do?
So, this weekend just gone I had sex with a guy. Him and his girlfriend were split up at the time and he said they weren't getting back together so I didn't see much of a problem. But the next day he said they sorted things out but he didn't tell her about me and him.
I'm really not comfortable about this as I'm friends with alot of her friends so I'm gunna see her about alot and I hate keeping secrets and lying.
I've tried persuading him, but said I won't say a word until he says something to her 'cause she should really hear it from him not me or someone else. But this also means I can't talk to any of my friends about it, which sucks.
He won't tell her though as she has alot of family problems at the moment and doesn't think she'd be able to handle it and isn't sure what she'd do (guessing he means self harm etc).
Some sort of help would be great as I'm really not keen on this situation and can't chat to anyone! Thank you!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Yeah, he really needs to talk to her. However, it seems that he's not going to do that until something presses the issue. This is not a healthy attitude to have about things in relationships, and has the potential to cause a metric shit-ton of tension and trouble between all of you.
Since he probably isn't going to talk to her, it's up to you what you want to do. If you want to just leave it, and let them deal with it on their own time, then that's a perfectly valid decision. You do not have to deal with his mess, so long as you understand that it may come back to bite all of you in the ass.
If you decide to talk to her, do it when you two are alone and in a way that isn't confrontational. Tell her the situation directly-you slept with her boyfriend while they were split up and you thought she would want to know. Then see where it goes from there.
Honesty in a relationship is really important. This guy needs to understand that.
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Honestly I actually was in your shoes except for I only made out with him but honestly tell her the sooner the better! Because I waited and she found out by him cracking an inside joke about that night and it was months later but then she asked me to tell her the whole truth so I did. And long story short I lost a really good friend because of it. And honestly you need to tell her together that it was a serious mistake and that you value her to much to lose her as a friend.
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Yeah, see by doing this youve now gotten yourself into a bit of a precarious situation, because you and the other woman run in the same social circle. anytime you talk to any of the mutual friends you have, anything you say could trickle down to her, so i would be VERY careful about what you say to any of the other females that know her.
I think the best thing to do here is focus on other friends that dont know or care about her (maybe friends from high school) or people you know still care about you but have faded with you friendship wise not because something went wrong but because life took over. ((people/friends can get drawn apart sometimes once you graduate and start your own lives but it doesnt mean that their caring about you faded any)) i would start hitting them up or trying to get away from people that will most likely tell her anything.
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If you don't feel comfortable just tell her. You don't owe anything to some loser that used you for sex. I have had this happen to me before and the guy knew very well that everything was going to be fine with his girlfriend the next day. You're also right-He is never going to tell her and honestly he'll probably end up cheating on her again.
She might not believe you anyway, but she has a right to know...How would you feel if you were committed to a relationship that wasn't what you thought it was?
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You shouldn't be comfortable with this situation. He's putting you in a really uncomfortable position with all of your friends.
This isn't a place where 'don't kiss and tell' applies, because that is not what he is asking for. He's asking you to actively lie to people, even your dearest friends, because he doesn't want to acknowledge what happened. He's asking you to act like you are ashamed, and have a dirty secret, when you have no reason to feel shame and every reason to talk over your feelings and what happened with your friends.
However, there is a lot of grey area between "Not telling a lie for him" and "Telling his girlfriend you fucked him."
Frankly, in your shoes, I'd tell him that although I agree it would absolutely be best if she heard it from him and I wont be calling her up to tell her, that I also won't lie about it if asked, and I will be talking with some close friends about what happened - because it's my life too and I deserve the love and support of my friends when something is upsetting me.
Tell him this is going to come out eventually, and even though you wont go out of your way to cause his girlfriend pain, you also wont go out of your way to keep his secret. The sooner he tells her, the better it'll be for them both. The longer he keeps the secret, the more betrayed his girlfriend will feel.
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The problem here is just what is the truth between him and her. Did they really break up or did they just have a fight. Either way who called who to make up is also important to know.
If they were truly broken up at the time and she called him to get back together then no harm no foul. To me it would depend on how long they were broken up before he asked you out.
Do you normally go out with a guy and have sex on the first date or was this a compassionate thing you did for him. If you two had dated a few times she may have gotten wind of his dating you and it is just coincidence she called him the day after you two had sex.
I'm fairly certain that regardless of circumstances she is aware of you two seeing each other and may assume you two had sex. To throw it in her face would be wrong if she has other problems for if she wanted to know and she knows you I believe she would ask you or ask a mutual friend.
As far as being able to talk about having sex with him, I'm of the mind set you don't kiss and tell. Your sex life is your business and no one else's. It can get real complicate years down the road when you and your friends start to marry. Do you really want your best friend to know you may have slept with her future husband or she slept with your future husband? It may be fun now to talk about it but it will ruin a great friendship later in life.
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First, he sounds like a fucking idiot.
How the hell are you going to break up with someone and then go fuck someone else? That's pure stupidity. And trust me, he won't tell her.
If I were you, I'd look past all her life problems at the moment, because telling her would be the RIGHT thing to do. I mean, if you was in her shoes, wouldn't you want someone to tell you?
The longer you wait to tell her and the day you or him tell her, it'll hurt her even more. Trust.
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If he really wasn't with her when you two had sex he didn't cheat on her and he isn't obligated really to tell her nor are you because that means you are just inserting yourself into a dramatic situation. For all he knows his girlfriend could have been with someone else why they weren't together too. So I would just mind your business especially if it's going to contribute to issues to her mental health. And if any of your mutual friends are really your friends you should be able to talk to them (not saying you have to tell every single one of them just the ones you are very close with) without them telling her.
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He's not gonna tell her... ever... unless she pisses him off and he wants to hurt her... That's how cheating works...
So... you have options...
You can tell her, but all it's going to accomplish it that she'll be hurt, he'll be mad, you'll be labelled "the other woman" which often comes with the title of "hobag," and everything will be chaotic and awful.
You can tell your friends... which will result in similar consequences as the previous option... because, let's face it, ain't no one can keep they trap shut.
You can NOT tell her or anyone... which will make you uncomfortable for a while... and then it will fade off, except when you see that guy, at which point you will remember he is a scumbag.
Been here, done this... That girl is now my sworn enemy. All the guilt stuck to me. All of it. That guy got off so free they dated for years afterward. I lost a lot of friends... it's not worth it.
Do what you will, but in general, that guy is an asshat that used you, and thinks you're gonna keep your mouth shut because he told you to. I don't like that and I'd have to say something or hold it over his head and manipulate him... He shouldn't get away with it. But you shouldn't destroy your social life for him either.
I dunno how evil you are, but I am the brand that would use this opportunity to suck that man dry... money, favors, whatever.
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